Ruby wedding anniversary

He’s not a happy man, is he? And you’re not a happy woman either.

Unless this sort of thing is par for the course of 40 years marriage, I think it needs exploring, not burying.

Unless that is the usual pattern, in which case only you can decide whether you want to change it or live with it to the end.

Have you thought about going to Marrakesh with a friend?

Thanks for your responses. We will get over it, we always do but whatever his reasons, I feel it’s for him to talk to me rather than me trying to extract a reason from him. He’s been retired for a couple of years (67 now) and has no money worries but he is struggling with his elderly father and I’m helping him with that. I would have been nice, just got once, for him to think about me knowing it was important to me instead of just doing his own thing. I really think he probably thought we’d been together for the week so why would I be bothered about him doing his own thing and he’s not a guy who apologises. If I want us to be ok with each other so we can go away it will only happen if I move on from my own feelings and let it go.

Not liking the trip to Scotland and being grumpy is one thing, but I would be very upset about his going to the pub for hours and coming home drunk!
You certainly do need to have a serious conversation, only he can explain himself, there’s not point in speculation. If the outcome is not good, I’d cancel Marrakesh and there wouldn’t be a 41st anniversary.

At least he got you a card.
For our 40th wedding anniversary I had to buy my own card and get him to sign it! ( he can’t see the point in celebrating anniversary’s and can’t see what difference buying a card/ present makes to anything )
So I totally understand how hurt you feel.

Sago

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

I would never ever go into anything all guns blazing. It almost invariable makes the situation worse not better and, if you have completely misread the situation it makes you look nasty, uncaring and a fool. It lead to marriage breakdown and estrangement.

Take if non confrontaionally and you are more likely to get a good response and the problem resolved.

Sago, I don't think "all guns blazing" would be the appropriate response at all.

From the sound of it, this man's behaviour is a departure from the usual and he's always been happy to participate in such celebrations previously.

The OP needs to have a conversation with her husband - there could be any number of reasons he wasn't happy (and he clearly wasn't). Maybe he has job/money/health worries he hasn't felt able to share. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy the reminder that he's growing old.

Whatever it is, they need to discuss calmly and deal appropriately with the issue so that they can go off on their Marrakesh break and have fun with clear minds.

As an aside, my late husband always participated in any anniversary or birthday celebrations but usually with a shrug and an "uh, okay then" sort of attitude. He just never really saw much significance in dates. Maybe it's a man thing because current partner is just the same.

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

It seems to me that there must be some reason why your DH has behaved as he has, just as you are upset by his lack of response, he may have been upset by the thought that 40 years of marriage is a sure sign he is getting old, is approaching/has just retired, that the best of his life is behind him.

He may also be depressed. I think, on his side that there is much more to his behaviour, than meets the eye and if you talk to him about it. it should be with gentleness and kindness, not demanding explanations and apologies.

I think you should be discussing this with your DH. He's a man not a mind reader. Give him the chance to see your point of view and apologise. He just might not have thought about it at all and might be wondering why you're in the huff.

I'm sorry that your celebrations fell flat.

Your DH's reactions made me wonder if he's worried about something which is occupying his mind.

It's our 40th next week. We might go out for a meal. We don't really bother about anniversaries.