Walking on eggshells with my daughter in law

As mothers of sons we have to be extremely careful. I would probably be thought of as the mother in law from hell if I really said what I think about the various ways in which my grandchildren are being brought up. Occasionally I might make a small suggestion but usually I smile sweetly and say nothing. It’s the best way for a peaceful relationship.

OP hasn't been back in almost a month...

Well I agree with most others on here that you were completely in the wrong for going up to her to ask if she was pregnant, she'd already had 2 miscarriages so was obviously in a very vulnerable position and could even have just put on some weight - how more insensitive could you have been.
You may not have passed the info on to others but others could have heard you.
Whatever... you need to apologise to them both and definitely keep your distance for a while, maybe send flowers to DIL.
Great that your son is looking after his wife, he has his priorities right.

Lathyrus3

I can’t think of any circumstance past or present when it has been anything other than extremely bad manners to ask if someone is pregnant Namsnanny.

The couple “owe a duty of care”. To whom? What care?

I simply don’t understand what you are saying?

Oh my, yes! In fact, there is a comedian named Brian Regan who does a bit about when he asked a chubby lady once "So when's that baby due?" She wasn't pregnant, just fat.

His embarrassment became quite a funny comedy routine.

Yes......wise to never, ever ask........

I agree with M0nica and welbeck, unfortunately, Bettyyy, it does sound a bit as though you were right all along and the idea that they might want to talk to you is ridiculous. I would not say that.

That poor girl! why would you not wait until she announced her pregnancy before approaching her in any place, let alone a public one. It was her news to tell when she was ready, especially given her miscarriages. Also, calling once a week when they were newly weds. Too much! Why not message or text and they could reply when convenient for them. tbh you say she is moody and outspoken! pot kettle. Your son is, quite rightly, a husband first and a son second now.

Oh, and I do want to add, I was very sympathetic to my former DIL...my son wasn't perfect to her.....I acknowledged that and said I was sorry he acted like that. Actually, they both did some things, so it wasn't anyone's fault in their case.

I do miss her. And her family, we were just all getting along so well. Really sucks, it's never just about 2 people, the whole family gets screwed when there is a breakup.

Oooof oh boy. Ok, first, I really don't think checking in with a call once in awhile is that big of a deal, as long as it's to see how they are doing and you are making it about them and their new married life....both of them, not just your son.

It's also good to invite to a dinner too once in awhile, or ask if you can do anything for them.

The Ooooof oh boy is my reaction, as others here, when you went up and asked her about being pregnant!! Even without the miscarriages, which btw make this even worse, it's very invading to their privacy. And besides, many couples just can't wait to surprise the to be grandparents with the news.....

You kinda killed the surprise! And imagine the pressure she feels, now everyone knows and if she isn't or miscarries again......I mean, it's just too personal of a thing at this stage.

I would apologise.....not to your son, but her. Make it clear you give yourself no excuses....you did something without thinking and you are very sorry, will never do something like that again.

When my son married, I made it a point to be my DIL's friend, which wasn't hard because I really liked her.....even after they split up at only 9 months married.

She even called me to explain after my son left her. Now, I did listen to my son's issues and just expressed how sorry I was it didn't work out for him (I was upset too, I liked her, but didn't focus on that)

She called up and explained. I told her what my son said and I listened to her side. I felt they both had issues, so I told her I was sorry she got hurt.

I actually think I would have remained friends with her, but she lived a little far and I figured with no kids, why do that, and I didn't want my son in the middle of it.

I hope you can aplogise effectively and try to become a friend to her. It is really like having another daughter. At least that's how I felt.

welbeck

That message suggested by Bettyyyy above sounds passive aggressive to me.
I wouldn't like to receive it especially in the circumstances.

I would find the suggested text for a note, very offputting and would want to distance myself from anyone, especially someone close who wrote that. As you say, passive aggressive.

That message suggested by Bettyyyy above sounds passive aggressive to me.
I wouldn't like to receive it especially in the circumstances.

I don’t think you were intentionally thoughtless, but you were. So just apologize and reiterate that you love them. Your excitement at the prospect of becoming a grandmother got the best of you. Going forward, just think before you speak. When someone is ready to tell you personal information, they will volunteer it. There are no prizes for guessing what’s in a woman’s womb. You’ll find out when you find out. Nothing is more important than keeping your family together. If all it takes is a little apology and some modifying of your behaviour, do it and get back to being happy. It costs nothing but ego, which is a price you should jump pay.

It sounds like your heart is in the right place and that you truly care about your son and daughter-in-law but you’re being met with distance, suspicion, and a lot of mixed signals. That’s painful, especially when you've tried to be respectful of boundaries, even after being asked to pull back. You're not alone, many parents go through something similar when their adult children build new lives and shift priorities.

In this case, it may help to give them some space for now, just like you said. Let emotions cool, and try to reach out again later from a calm, loving place. Maybe a simple note like, "I love you both and I'm always here if you want to talk or need anything. I’ll respect your space, but please know I care deeply."

You're clearly not trying to cause drama, you're trying to stay connected. But right now, a quiet step back might protect your peace. Keep leaning on your husband and those who support you. Hopefully, in time, your son will realize you were coming from love, not interference.

Namsnanny

Insensitive isn't the end of the world.

No, but it’s certainly a reason to not share information about yourself with that person.

Insensitive isn't the end of the world.

You were insensitive, she has had two miscarriages and yet you did what you did at a family gathering, I wouldn't want anyone to know until I was 20 weeks, however it's not the end of the world, learn from it, cut back visiting unless asked. Your son is married and his wife comes first of course.

Lathyrus3

I can’t think of any circumstance past or present when it has been anything other than extremely bad manners to ask if someone is pregnant Namsnanny.

The couple “owe a duty of care”. To whom? What care?

I simply don’t understand what you are saying?

I was asked if I was pregnant many times. If memory serves at some very poignant moments. Just after a miscarriage was one, 3 days after giving birth was another.
My mother would continuously harp on as to why I wasn't pregnant.
So I do realise how infuriating other people can be.

The world doesn't stop though just to accommodate our feelings.

Especially if we take no responsibility for protecting our feelings.

Agree with your post mmeg

Well, I am appalled by the vehemence (and language used) of some replies on here. The OP made a mistake in what she did - a case of too much too soon - and in retrospect I'm sure she will now have realised that she ought not to have asked. She was clearly excited for them (and for herself) and probably comes from one of those families that shares everything. And maybe she hasn't experienced miscarriage in her own life so far so has imagined that the couple would want to announce the pregnancy asap.

I'm sure (no, I'm positive) that she meant no harm at all (why would she?) but didn't appreciate that her DiL might not be ready for such an announcement.

She will have learnt, and I hope she comes back on here to thank us all - even those who were so quick to criticise her. Though what she thinks of their responses I can't imagine! You've made her sound like a stupid selfish ogre.

My MIL was born and lived all her life in a terraced house that had been in her family for four generations before her. Her parents lived next door and GPs higher up "the Lane". She was close with all her neighbours (and was a Cleaner for some of them), they popped in and out of each other's houses almost daily. She had to learn a new way of life when she encountered a DiL who had a career cos I didn't have time to "enjoy" her daily phone calls (which annoyed me immensely) but I never told her off or made her feel I didn't welcome her calls. It was just how she was - and I was different. Fact. Resolved amicably.

I agree with you NotSpaghetti, Madmeg's response is nice and respectful.

I can’t think of any circumstance past or present when it has been anything other than extremely bad manners to ask if someone is pregnant Namsnanny.

The couple “owe a duty of care”. To whom? What care?

I simply don’t understand what you are saying?

Yes Bon no doubt lacked the understanding and sensitivity most posters are pointing out, but isn't there more to this?
Surely the couple owe a duty of care to their own private situation?

Surely the couple have a responsibility for how the news was delivered (no pun intended)?
People arn't mind readers.

There are many ways this could have bèen handled better.

It seems the dil was obviously pregnant, and people were mentioning it, so one presumes the couple would be aware that questions would follow?

Such a shame so many families are getting caught between newer versions of where the boundaries lie and older ones. Yes things have changed but misunderstandings such as this are causing such disharmony in relationships, and unnecessary heartache.

Grammaretto

Having once asked someone if they were pregnant when they had put on weight and another when was the baby due when it was already several months old, I have never made that mistake again.

Do you suppose Bon has been frightened off by the barage of
criticism?

If she has been frightened off by the criticism then sadly it highlights an inability to look at her own culpability in this situation.

I hope you can find a resolution for you all Bon looking at things from everyone's perspective.

I’m sorry you’re hurting but what on earth possessed you to say this?

I saw them at a family gathering and I noticed she was glowing and put on some weight. I knew right away she was expecting. I went up and smiled. I asked if she had some news to tell me quietly.

How dare you??

Newly pregnant with #3 I was determined not to tell people right away, partly to keep it from the older children who wouldn't understand the wait.
Unfortunately I vomited in the gutter on the walk home from delivering a child to school, and the other mums guessed instantly 😅 and took me home with them to celebrate with cake.

M0nica I was in my 3rd year at university so no real impact on jobs etc. The baby was due during my finals.
I did tell the head of school, after my mother but before friends - I remember telling him to "please not pass it on to other staff" as I knew they would immediately start treating me differently.

Once they knew, they did try to treat me unlike other students (and it was very annoying).

Having once asked someone if they were pregnant when they had put on weight and another when was the baby due when it was already several months old, I have never made that mistake again.

Do you suppose Bon has been frightened off by the barage of
criticism?