Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

Liz I know times have changed but we did manage to bring up our own didn't we.

You can either choose to be offended or you can cut them some slack and remember that they are learning to be parents in a world that is oh so different from the world in which we raised our children. They are doing the best they can. It will be far less work for you to support them in that than to fight against it and risk damaging what should be a lovely relationship.

is this a wind-up.
it sounds so cliched.

Lathyrus

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

Of course you do😀

I had two kids who were allergic to most brands of diapers. I’d absolutely be asking anyone who wore scented lotion, perfume or makeup that rubbed off on my baby’s skin to please not do so when they were going to be around baby.

My baby’s health, wellbeing and comfort are more important than someone’s cosmetic preferences. Plus my own, since anything with lavender or jasmine gives me a raging migraine.

And yeah, I’ve ABSOLUTELY given baby a bath when they’ve ended up smelling like someone’s perfume or cologne. Sensitive baby skin doesn’t need that.

There's a big difference between asking you not to wear anything that smells scented or might contain this or that, she's worried about

and

Everyone without lotions and potions has a natural smell, just who they are, and if she is concerned about that its something to do with "getting MY baby back".

that latter is something psychological, as clearly you aren't trying to "take HER baby away" Yes it's upsetting but it is HER problem not you.

But either way tbh I 'd go along to get along - so many sad tales of estrangement on gransnet - and trust things will ease up in time - fall in, and enjoy your baby grandchild .

What can any kind of confrontation gain you?

Honestly this just makes sense to me. You’re ready going to give up time with your grandson twice. A week over some
Feelings about your scented lotions ? Of course they don’t want their baby smelling of “nonna”. They likely don’t want their baby smelling at all outside of sweet baby smell. Baby’s have sensitive skin. Additionally using an app to look things up is a great idea it takes the guess work out of what they consider safe. Honestly some grands on here act as though anything short of whatever they want is somehow an affront.

NotSpaghetti

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

Completely agree. None of these are difficult to follow and some just good sense.

Oh dear - first time parents and their rules and "boundaries" - all the rage to be telling people what they should and should not do.

They should be grateful to have your help.

I wouldn’t put up with that.

Resign immediately! What a cheek and how rude!

How does your make up get in the baby's clothes or on the baby?

Lathyrus

BlueBelle

No Lathyrus I ve never ever sat near someone and gone home and had to have a shower and wash my hair !!!

Really? Have you never had a smell ”up your nose” that you just can’t get rid of?

Perhaps it’s just me then😬🤔😱

Yes. I took turns with lifts to work with someone who used one of those strong perfumes, Opium or Poison and it used to make my head ache and I felt nauseous.
I could smell it on me all day too, just horrible.

Many things are highly scented these days and the smells sometimes conflict too.

Is there a need to wear a lot of makeup on days when you're looking after the baby?
Perhaps try cutting back on toiletries or scented ones and see how it goes?

They do sound quite anxious, though and there seem to be so many rules these days about child-rearing!

I think many new Mums become somewhat obsessive for a while after the birth of their first born. I saw germs lurking everywhere - my baby’s toys actually smelt of sterilising fluid! By the time no2 came along I realised that I hadn’t got the time or the energy for all that, and had gradually came to realise that babies are not china dolls, and that they don’t actually break.

Being a grandmother is different, you have seen it all (or most of it!) before. Don’t be upset by your daughter in law’s attitude, she is just a new Mum feeling her way. Nine months seems along time, but remember in a child’s life there are so many different stages and milestones for her to get used to. Try to take a deep breath and don’t take things personally, there are new ideas all the time. We know that babies can pick up the vibes if their mother is tense or upset, why not with grandmothers?

Enjoy your grandchild and try to relax.

What kind of 'lotion' did your DiL and your son identify? Was it hand lotion or body lotion? There are plenty of fragrance-free alternatives, if you really must use some kind of moisturising agent on your skin.

I think many new Mums become somewhat obsessive for a while after the birth of their first born. I saw germs lurking everywhere - my baby’s toys actually smelt of sterilising fluid! By the time no2 came along I realised that I hadn’t got the time or the energy for all that

DH still laughs about how I made sure everything was just so with DC1 but by the time the second arrived I was more relaxed then the third arrived and it was all rather laissez-faire.
The problem is that babies can sense if those caring for them are not relaxed and are rather anxious.

annodomini

What kind of 'lotion' did your DiL and your son identify? Was it hand lotion or body lotion? There are plenty of fragrance-free alternatives, if you really must use some kind of moisturising agent on your skin.

DD was very anxious about parabens when DGC1 arrived.
I think she still avoids them if possible.

Tell her to look after the child herself nothing you do will be good enough.

Our grandson was and is cared for within a large family unit. Distance means we’re rarely involved now although until he was 3 we were regular minders.

Because it was important to us all he felt comfortable and settled his Mum explained - verbally, no lists - the important things in his day to day life such as nap times and food requirements. They seemed to change weekly! Outside of that we all had our different approaches to fun times, he enjoyed spending time with us all and had a wealth of experiences.

No one had or has a problem with it, he was and is happy to go to the different places and people, his ‘minders’ were and are happy as were and are his parents. We could also at any point ask his parents for advice, both provided it quietly with no sense of blame or judgement. It was useful to be able to check in when we were uncertain if when as a toddler he bumped himself. .

Surely that’s enough? No need for stringent rules which seem to be more about anxious parents than the comfort of their child.

Try not to stress about this j916, it feels personal but actually isn’t. If there was real concern about you minding your grandchild you’d simply not be doing it. Their stance may feel ott to many of us but for the parents it’s their preference so best try not to let it irritate and follow as closely as you can.

Whether reasonable or not in your view it would be sensible to adapt to the parental wants The baby will be a toddler soon enough and before you know it off to school. Enjoy this time, rise above the comments and no, you aren’t being unreasonable. Your feelings are your own, you are trying to do your best. Adapt a bit if you can, keep the peace, but don’t stop enjoying precious time with your grandchild.

Are most Grans on this site American? No objection but just wondering as people don’t use English language.

Now I am very sure the world has gone completely bonkers. No wonder there are so many children/young people with mental health problems. What ever happened to plain old fashioned common sense. Yes, we're all cautious with our first babies but for goodness sake the poor children will be immersed in the smell of anxiety directly from their neurotic parents. Granny's perfume can't possibly be worse than that.

???? Which posts aren’t in English?
American grans, Canadian grands and Australian grans are frequent posters, but all in English.

Calipso are things really so different now? I feel this suggestion rather dismissive as though somehow we didn't get it right. We are also in this "oh so different world"
Babies are just the same as they have always been.

I have 7 DGC and they are growing up much like my DC did and likely we did too
Although granted my DM was offering DS chocolate to keep him happy and I told her not to bribe him.
DS aged 3 piped up "give me bribes, grannie, I like bribes!"

In what way do you feel my post is 'dismissive' Grammaretto?

The world is ever changing and we adapt and change with it. Of course babies are the same. My children are doing a brilliant job of raising their families, far better than I ever did because they are able to embrace new knowledge and new technology. But they are doing this in hard economic times.
Do you truly believe the world is no different?

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

ethelwulf

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn.