Whose right here

Thank you everyone. Yes of course there is a history of bullying behaviour, which I am better at handling than I was. I am a bit of a Wimp which, of course goes back to childhood.

As for paying my son, I am happy to do so. They are not short of money by any means, but I would rather pay him than the local council. At least the job will be done properly.DS and I are quite close and he would willingly do jobs for me without payment (this is the first time I will have paid him).

Thank you for your replies!

I was also shocked that your son asked for payment. Fair enough if you offered. But even then, unless he badly needed the money, he should have refused.

Whether we reward our children with cash for dong jobs depends on how well off they are. It is a very face saving way of helping them financially, when perhaps they do not want to admit how much they are struggling financially.

GreenGran78

People should organise a "Neighbourhood Husband Swap" scheme. Most men are off, like a rocket, if someone asks them for help, but jobs at home can wait for ever. If Mrs. A asks Mr. B to do a job, Mrs. C asks Mr. A to help her, and Mrs. B requests assistance from Mr. C all the jobs would be completed in a trice, and everyone would be happy.
My DH was a typical example.
His finest hour was when we had just started decorating the hall, stairs, and landing, which had been on the back burner for months. There was a knock on the door, a request for him to stand in for Cub Camp because a leader was sick, and he had his bag packed, with a "See you next weekend" tossed over his shoulder.
By the time he came home I had done the whole job myself! A feeble, "You should have waited for me." received an eye-roll from me.

Brillant idea can I swap for a real handy man. I don't think anyone would want mine though. He once tried to mend a broken toilet and flooded the bathroom, he had me standing with my finger in the place where the water was gushing from like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke.
We always said flat packs were bought in two's ,one to brake and one to make.
One of our DD's once said "You will have to raffle dad to get rid of him".

I would be upset if I thought you had paid someone else to take it rather than wait for me to do it.
Maybe it's paying to have such a simple thing done that feels wrong.
I definitely wouldn't pay my son or daughter for a trip to the tip.

To a man it means "this year, next year, sometime or never" with the emphasis on the last two possibilities

Not always! I have to carefully time any request because my DH responds instantly ...he is not a prevaricator, if a job needs doing he wants it done...! But this might include me mentioning it just as we are sitting down to eat or going to bed ....so I choose my moments!! (grin)

Sallywally1 you did the right thing. Your son was right to take payment. Next time, if there is a next time this happens, I am sure your son, on the same basis, will find time to do it. As someone said to us we expect a job done within a week or two not a year after. You know yur son does not feel put upon where as your DH made you feel bullied. This kind of response by him is not right, do not give in to it.

People should organise a "Neighbourhood Husband Swap" scheme. Most men are off, like a rocket, if someone asks them for help, but jobs at home can wait for ever. If Mrs. A asks Mr. B to do a job, Mrs. C asks Mr. A to help her, and Mrs. B requests assistance from Mr. C all the jobs would be completed in a trice, and everyone would be happy.
My DH was a typical example.
His finest hour was when we had just started decorating the hall, stairs, and landing, which had been on the back burner for months. There was a knock on the door, a request for him to stand in for Cub Camp because a leader was sick, and he had his bag packed, with a "See you next weekend" tossed over his shoulder.
By the time he came home I had done the whole job myself! A feeble, "You should have waited for me." received an eye-roll from me.

Bobdoesit

Skydancer When I tell my husband I will do the job myself he replies "OK, love". Then he sits back down in front of the TV and lets me get on with it. When I ask how he can watch me struggle he replies he has never suffered from guilt and doesn't intend to.

Try painting something and make a mess. I did this unintentionally when we were first married, I got told never to do anything again.
Nearly 50 years on I am still putting this into practice but threaten by getting the tools out.
All from the man who calls his old woodwork teacher "Harry Shamper" and didn't know what a bradawl was.

DH has stuff all over the garden (from various projects) which is BTW not overlooked and includes a meadow. He is also involved in a rewilding project across the road. I have learned that he has a limited amount of energy to do all the things he wants to these days so his priorities have changed as he's got older. Having a serious heart condition myself has helped me understand this not least because I am guilty of leaving some tasks half completed myself when my energy level drops suddenly. Tackling some others which, for me, would demand an above average level of organising are sometimes postponed by me indefinitely. Live and let live, I say....As for paying AC to help with tasks: that would depend on our circumstances at the time...and theirs.....all of which seem to be in a constant state of flux these days..

If you have to pay you children to do small jobs for you have you thought of invoicing them for all the care and jobs you did for them when they were growing up?

Gaud save us from the passive-aggressive man-toddlers.

I guess he lashed out because he felt guilty!

Maybe he had to hire a van, otherwise a bit much helping your mum and taking money

A friend of mine has a husband just like the OP, he will trim the privet hedge to the front of their property and leave all the clippings on the pavement and the garden. When she challenged him his excuse was 'the wind will blow it all away'! Seriously?
The poor woman has to go out after him and sweep it all up, she even asked him to put a dust sheet down to make life easier for her but that fell on deaf ears; do one job and make three springs to mind!

I'd be more annoyed that your son charged you for doing a job as for hubby if he didnt like it he should have done it his self

Dearie me, you have been married to this man long enough to have an adult son, and you still have not found a way of dealing with the fact that men and women understand "soon" to mean two very different things.

"Soon " to most women, myself included, means today or tomorrow, or at the utmost by the end of this week.

To a man it means "this year, next year, sometime or never" with the empahsis on the last two possiblities.

So you either find some preferably funny way of getting across to him that the job he has started in the garden is not actually finished until the rubbish has been taken to the dump, and that you want this done NOW - another word that means two different things to men and women, or you make other arrangements.

I gather that like me you live in an area where there is no collection of garden waste or large items of household rubbish.

I have a woman friend with a trailer - I pay petrol and help load and unload the trailer, DH, who can do neither because of his bad back and shoulder makes lunch while we are at the dump.

There is no reason for him to feel you are undermining him, nor for you to feel sick at his comments. Explain when neither of you are cross about the issue that you feel ashamed having rubbish all over the place (it also encourages rats!) or simply arrange with your son that he gets rid of rubbish for you three times a year, or at whatever interval suits you both.

Skydancer When I tell my husband I will do the job myself he replies "OK, love". Then he sits back down in front of the TV and lets me get on with it. When I ask how he can watch me struggle he replies he has never suffered from guilt and doesn't intend to.

Technically if you pay someone to take your waste away they should have a waste carriers' licence!!

Well it seems that DH has had plenty of time to take the rubbish to the tip so he really shouldn't be the one to complain!
There seems to be quite a few men, in particular, that work on the idea that they've said that they will do something, but only when they feel like it and nobody else matters!
My son (and his dad) is exactly the same - if I ask him to do something for me, it's a huge problem, but he if he does actually do it, it is when he feels like it so I have just stopped asking .

By the way, surely your son should have done it without any PAYMENT!!

I would have but the rugs upside down on top of the garden refuse (I'm assuming it was all vegetation of some sort!) and you have the beginnings of a lovely compost heap

GagaJo

Is your son also his son? Could it be a bit of competitiveness creeping in?

Good point Gagajo

Is your son also his son? Could it be a bit of competitiveness creeping in?

I agree, you may only have to stand up for yourself once, he needs to know how you feel. Your son offered and you accepted end of story really. I am glad you have lovely neighbours and I am sure they are delighted, so all good there.