Have I made a terrible mistake?

Travel hopefully Ellypat! There may be a few little bumps on the way but hopefully it will work out well for you all in the long term. Don't take any minor disagreements to heart as there are bound to be teething problems. Hopefully it will end up being mutually supportive. Good luck!

There is chance the situation will be fine, pray on that.

Ellypat

Thank you to all who have given me hope that things will work out. That’s really all I was looking for, a virtual hug, if you will. Obviously some people feel annoyed by my post, so I’m resolved not to post again.

Well done, all of those that have put a vulnerable person off being an active Gransnet member.

A bit of kindness never goes amiss.

OP I do hope this works out well
I would suggest you discuss with your daughter how much childcare she expects. On your ‘days off’ make sure you are definitely off. I agree with a pp, how have your bills increased?

You say you have a small suite. Do you have an en suite, your own little sitting area with tv. Have you basic facilities to make tea/coffee, a microwave etc.
Will your little suite be private…… they knock your door. Some of these things may give you welcome space.

I really feel ground rules are needed and should be honoured.

I also feel a little contact would be helpful giving you lifetime accommodation with them, or for as long as you wish in return for your initial financial help. If such a thing is possible. A free solicitor appointment would soon clarify that. What happens if they want to move house again?
I haven’t put that very well but I’m sure everyone gets the gist.

Ellypat I truly hope it works out for you

GagaJo

A few deeply unpleasant attitudes on here.

We're all allowed to need a little boost or positive reinforcement. We all get scared and make dodgy decisions at times

Ellypat, I hope these are just pre-move nerves.

Agree with you.

40 years ago we bought a big house, to share with my DM.
Like you we all had second thoughts too late but after initial wails and regrets we settled down to the new life together. We had a built in babysitter and she wasn't lonely.
However after about 3 years it was affecting my mental health (our mother/daughter relationship was always fragile) and DM realised it couldn't go on but we were locked into the joint purchase.
She wanted to move back to where she had been and we didn't want to sell the property so she, with legal help, let out her part of the house for 3 years while she in turn rented until we had managed to raise a mortgage and buy her out.
It was a relief all round.
I realise your situation isn't exactly the same but shows that things can change if they have to. The strangers in the flat were easy to live beside compared to my dear mum!

Thank you to all who have given me hope that things will work out. That’s really all I was looking for, a virtual hug, if you will. Obviously some people feel annoyed by my post, so I’m resolved not to post again.

Ellypat You have agreed to a huge and significant change in YOUR life, without anyone properly considering the impact on you or the implications for the future. Everything is now sealed and signed you say and presumably legally cannot be backed out of. However I think there are still legal protections that CAN be implemented now and you need to identify those (go to a solicitor) and then sort them out.

Your daughter dismissing your perfectly valid concerns is effectively dismissing YOUR wishes for YOUR life! I do understand how much you love her but her self harming to get her own way is a classic manipulative tactic that is used to control other people including you!! You had a long abusive marriage and sadly your daughter is demonstrating abusive behaviours towards you as well.

Firstly you need to prioritise your legal position as above, and refuse to have YOUR wishes brushed off. Use your solicitor to help you with ensuring you are not brushed off if necessary. I know this may result in huge problems with your daughter but leaving things will store up problems for the future.

I have so much empathy for you, I understand your fears, your worries and your fear of the consequences with you daughter. But please try to find a way through, before you end up in an even bigger mess

GagaJo I do not think you are fair on people who have expressed deep misgivings about what the OP has done.

But what can be done with a poster who has posted before about a problematic relationship with her daughter and was helped and advised then, but despite anything that was said then has committed herself to something else at her daughters instigation that she clearly knows in her heart is a bad mistake?

She has probably known this from the start, but only starts asking for help when a point is reached when she cannot go back, thus being able to avoid standing up to her daughter or having to take notice of the help and advice she has been given here.

EllyPat
I’m torn between giving your ears a box or giving you a hug ?
You feel you’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s not the end of the world. Chin up, deep breath, deal with what you’ve got, not what you haven’t.
I’ve learnt in life that when these situations ( laying awake at night) more often than not work themselves out in the end, as I’m sure yours will.
Just try do be a little bit more assertive ?

A few deeply unpleasant attitudes on here.

We're all allowed to need a little boost or positive reinforcement. We all get scared and make dodgy decisions at times

Ellypat, I hope these are just pre-move nerves.

I don’t want to be harsh but what do you want from this site? The deal is done and no going back. You state you’re unable to stand up to your daughter and she self harms when she doesn’t get her own way. You are the author of your own folly so unless you grow a backbone nothing will change. Probably too late now anyway.

seniorsfirstbc.ca/getting-help/elder-abuse-and-neglect/

www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/family-social-supports/seniors/health-safety/protection-from-elder-abuse-and-neglect/where-to-get-help

Thank you Elegran, It does explain a lot. Must admit it doesn’t sit easy with me. However, glad I know.
Elepat, hope your feeling more optimistic, look at all the positives.

OP

You are coming here to vent.

You are making mistake after mistake and all you do is " I cannot do anything now, it's all arranged" - martyr attitude

You are making your own bed and it will get way worse.

I would hate to see you come back in 2 years that you have been kicked out/your health problems no longer make you useful and your daughter doesnt help you at all and you are stuck in the house with nowhere to go.....

You can still choose not to go with them. This is a you problem and only you can fix it

I suspect that the OP has been doing and giving her daughter everything she wanted from childhood, in the erroneous belief that it shows her daughter how much she loves her, and is now reaping the crop she has sown.

I think, once living with her daughter, she is going to have to be very self-protective and assertive to ensure she is not exploited and not be too hopeful about getting lots of care from her family.

Ellypat, I am surprised you did not mention the possibility that you may need some personal care from your daughter or son in law if you become ill or disabled. This would be so easy fro them to accomplish when they live in the same house as yourself. Was this scenario not discussed before the move?

If not , then it may be best not to mention it now the house move is a fait accompli , but the idea may be some consolation for you.

I don't know why your daughter is stubborn but maybe it would help her if you would be a little more assertive. For instance, by telling her you will look after the kids today if she will cook lunch for you.

I’m afraid that won’t be acceptable to a mortgage lender MOnica and Gaga. They always insist on being repaid first if the property is sold.
It seems it’s too late to back out and OP just has to do her best to make things work out, though I do feel she’s perhaps not well enough to do much childcare. The post which was unearthed from 2020 suggests that one of the children isn’t much more than a baby. I anticipate that she will be expected/have agreed to contribute to household bills - fuel, food etc - so not much of her pension left, and help out around the house. It really isn’t a great situation and OP should have thought about all the downsides before. There are upsides though, in terms of being with her daughter and grandchildren, and she must now focus on those, try to join some groups to enrich her life and make new friends to the extent that childcare will permit, and basically do all she can to make it work for everyone. There’s nothing to be achieved now by focusing on the ‘what ifs’.

The OP says it's all signed and sealed - can a protection agreement be put in place respectively?

Even if that were possible I doubt if the OP could present her daughter with such a demand, given the history.

I think MOnica makes a great point, 'To protect you from utter penury if your D and SiL cannot manage the mortgage payments and the house is repossessed the legal agreement should put a charge on the property that in event that the house is repossessed or sold for any reason, you will be repaid the money you invested in it before anyone else.'

That way you can go ahead with the move but still protect yourself financially.

Please try and enter this new part of your life with a positive attitude. Yes, things will be very different, but you have made the decision so now make the best of it.

You must speak to both your daughter and son-in-law together and establish some "house rules". It is your choice what times you are available to help them out. What days are purely for yourself etc etc.

Explore the area, find places to go and things to do. Don't look back with regret, but forward with hope.

Sorry, had not quite finished. Surely, your savings were there just for this sort of purpose, to provide a comfortable future both for yourself and help to your family,
Stop looking at negatives......sit back and start to enjoy this lovely new life.

What cannot be changed, needs to be endured. Please look at the positives, not just the negatives. Just think how lovely it will be to be in the same building as your daughter, in the future, any time you are not too well she will on the spot to help hyou, provide meals, etc. Also, providing childcare, so much easier in their own home, without you having to go out.

Join the local U3A, etc and make new friends. New chapter in your life, make the most of it. Smaller place, much easier for housework, maybe some nice n ew iems of furniture. Not sure why you think your bills are likely to be higher. Surely, you are only paying your percentage, a fifth if I am correct i thinking there is daughter, SiL and rwo g.children living in this property.

Elliepat Your daughter abuses you just as your husband did previously. Have you ever explored with a councillor why you are so prone to abusive relationships?

Like others I can only but be concerned for your situation when you fail to be of use to your daughter and your needs make demands on her. On the other hand you do not lack self knowledge and you know you are not good at looking after yourself, so you should really have put some work into learning to protect yourself from othe people's unreasonable demands. But you are where you are and have to deal with it.

I think in your current situation there is one thing you can do to help yourself and that is talk to your lawyer and have a legal document drawn up making official all the unofficial details of the agreement with your daughter stating what you are bringing to the deal - the money - and the housing that is to be provided under the deal.

To protect you from utter penury if your D and SiL cannot manage the mortgage payments and the house is repossessed the legal agreement should put a charge on the property that in event that the house is repossessed or sold for any reason, you will be repaid the money you invested in it before anyone else.

Take control of your life, do something to help yourself and insist on a legal agreement, no matter what your daughter says. Do not use the lawyer your daughter is using for the house purchase. make sure that the lawyer specialises in family law, not property or any other branch of law.

We all of us love our children as much as you do, but the vast majority of us do not therefore let our children abuse us or make unreasonable demands on us and you must stop using your love for youe daughter as an excuse for letting her abuse you, financially or any other way.