Daughter's bombshell - how do I cope?

Please try to stop feeling ashamed of your daughter's behaviour, However hard you try to conceal it, those feelings will show and quite honestly how three adults chose to live their lives is not your business.

I understand why you feel that this is a situation that could well hurt the children involved, but whether they are hurt or not depends largely on how the adults involved act.

Your son in law was presumably well aware of what was going on if both you and your other daughters had seen the truth.

Now your daughter has told you in confidence what the situation is.

You didn't say why she felt she should confide in you. Did she want to discuss things, or was she asking for help, or did she just not want to lie by inference to you?

Please try to accept that your daughter has made choices that you would never have made, but that she is your daughter and presumably you love each other, otherwise she would not have confided in you.

We don't have to like or approve of the way our adult children live their lives, but we do need to accept their right to make their own choices and to do or try to do whatever makes them happy.

Your daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions, not good sometimes but as a mother we need to not interfere.
Try not to worry there is nothing you can do about this new relationship and any fall out that may happen.
Enjoy your new grandchild and offer support when needed that's all we can do.
Adult children have to make their own mistakes and find ways to get out of them themselves.

Congratulations on your little grandson. I agree with the advice already given and just want to add a plea for you not to worry too much about what other people think. I know that’s easier said than done but real friends will empathise with you and the others aren’t worth worrying about. Its not the first time in the world and certainly won’t be the last that this has happened! As for your parents, do you have to tell them? If you feel it would be too upsetting maybe they don’t need to know. Though there again, they may surprise you, they have been around a long while after all! I’m sorry that you have to bear this alone but take heart that your daughter must be grateful to have such a strong relationship with you that she was able to share this. Regardless of how much you disapprove of her behaviour this can’t be easy for her. I hope you can work it out and stay close. Can you confide in your other daughters?

I can't put it better than Polarbear2.

Can you let your DD explain the situation to her grandparents? Don't feel bad about it. It is not your responsibility. You can be a good support to all involved but it is your DD's mess and not yours. Wish you well. Hope your mental equilibrium is restored soon.

Spot on Polarbear2.

You have to be the rock of stability in all this. Congratulations!!

I'd try to ignore this and enjoy your new little grandson - but, if the father is expected to pay maintenance I'd definitely feel obliged to speak to my daughter about it. Given that she told you in confidence it does imply some of the story is not "out there".

It's her life. Enjoy your grandchild.

How distressing for you lucyfern. I have a divorced daughter, who changes her boyfriends regularly. And when she has the boyfriend over, the teenage children are not supposed to be there. They are packed off to their friends’ or to their grandparents (more often, it’s me).
I know she has to have a life, but I disapprove of her lifestyle. But there you go - we just have to let them get on with it !!
In the meanwhile, enjoy your little grandson x

Lucyfern I understand why you are so upset by this, but those who say don't take it on, are right.

As for what other people might think or say, you can't worry about that.

I have a friend whose 42 year old married daughter has done something similar (but with "the other woman", not a man). I've been in her company when nosy parkers have tried to pry, and her response is to smile and say "Well, it's a fine kind of madness, isn't it?" and change the subject.

Good luck and enjoy your little grandson. For the rest, rise above it as much as possible.

What polarbear said

Such sensible and straightforward advice, thank you all. I think I'm doing what I always sneered at my own mother for, and worrying "what will people say?" I'm also scared about my elderly parents' reaction- it's just nit what tgey want to hear about their granddaughter.
I'm going to try and adopt an attitude of 'you've made your bed...now lie in it' - hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight.
Thank you all

She has confided in you, that shows maturity, and some thought for you. It is really sad for you, but its up to her. Just enjoy the grandchildren, you will gain nothing by sitting in judgement, you do not want to drive a wedge between you so, as the song goes, let it go. Family are forever, remember that, keep your doubts and worries to yourself, they will fade in time anyway, i am sure. Good luck

\what a dreadful situation; I can understand your distress but I doubt if anything you say will have the slightest impact on this selfish couple. People are naturally going to be curious, at the very least, and your daughter won't be able to keep her behaviour secret, but unfortunately comments will rebound on the child, so you have to keep your own counsel and focus on him; he is going to need stability from somewhere in his life.

It’s difficult, but I’m afraid you just have to be a spectator, giving support/ advice only when asked. The fact you have no one to talk to is probably the real problem. Covid has really killed the ability to perhaps join groups and get to know people.
There are threads here, I think, which specialise in just chatting and getting to know people. You need to separate your life from hers, and just enjoy your grandson. In six months...all could be very different.
Congratulations by the way.

I’d stop worrying. It’s her life and her problem. Just enjoy your new grandchild and stay well out of the drama. Smile benignly if anyone tries to involve you and say “nothing to do with me” and laugh it off. Humour and a lighthearted approach can help greatly. Good luck.