Gift of Friendship

Friendship real gift having travelled hugely lose touch modern Life is this

Perhaps her finances are under strain but she is too embarassed to say?

Don't many folk just grow into not giving gifts. Why don't you ask her what she feels? Perhaps a card would be enough for birthdays or a gift if a significant one. Surely your friendship shouldn't be based on birthday gifts.

that is not my idea of a friendship. but then I think there are different "levels?" of friendship

I would think that she wanted to stop the presents.. does the reason matter? but my friend, I would ask outright, but that`s just me.. and then, I don`t have that many friends,,, as I think , so many different levels of friends...

I don’t think I need gifts to be friends, I acquired a new friend two years ago and she gives me things that I don’t want or need and I stupidly make sure I give her something back. I’m now trapped! I was doing well until then. I note men I know would not join in in this behaviour!

I think there's nothing nicer than receiving a card on the appropriate day. That in itself shows thought without the worry/ expense of going around looking for gifts----that nobody wants anyway. I wouldn't worry.

AiryFlyingFairy
I was your friend - I'm talking about friends I have known 40, 30 and 20 years. My rationale was that I had everything I needed so why should they go to the trouble. They all agreed and we are still all friends.

I would be relieved if some of my friends hinted not to do gifts, I don’t think it impacts on a friendship at all. Meet up for a coffee/cake or a meal or trip out - that’s what I prefer from my husband/children too - think I’ve got everything I need! This has made me think of suggesting similar to friends but don’t want to cause the upset OP feels!

I see two possiblilities here.

One, as you mentioned, that the friendship is more of an acquaintanceship and your "friend" is trying to increase the distance between you.

Two, which I personally think is more likely, she is hard up and really cannot afford to go on giving presents, but cannot make herself say right out that that is what is behind her tentative questioning whether you want to go on giving presents.

If you value the friendship, I would drop the presents myself.

After retiring, I asked the people who I had worked with and used to buy gifts for (birthdays and Christmas) and I wouldn't get to see regularly, if they were ok just sending cards, we all agreed and now send each other "nice" cards, which we enjoy buying and sending in the post.....we have been doing this for 10 years now.

Friendship is way beyond giving gifts.
I am guessing that the problem is that she doesn't want to stop being your friend, but that maybe she is struggling financially so maybe not be able to afford to buy even a £20 gift ?
If it means so much for you to give her something - why not just say that a card will be ok ? You can always get a bunch of flowers from the supermarket whenever it is that you can meet up again.

I do think I've been overthinking! Being stuck at home so much since C19 doesn't help.
Realise I've been seeing the presents as a confirmation of continuing friendship and I shouldn't need that, especially after 25 years!
I've spoken to friend today. All fine and going to meet for coffee soon so I will let her know I'm fine with no presents..... so long as we stay friends! ?
Thank you for your words of wisdom Gransnetters.

I think your making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Galaxy is spot on.

Oldbutstilluseful

Your friend isn’t manipulating you, she just feels it’s time to stop a pointless exchange. My closest friend and I no longer give presents but we do have lunch somewhere different to mark the occasion and pay our own way. It’s what adults do.

That's right Oldbutstilluseful lunch is a nice idea too.

Just a card and a small bunch of seasonal flowers or a plant, for my friends. No big deal. Just say to your friend ‘ yes let’s just stop buying’ , as she obviously wants to.

There’s one close friend I exchange birthday gifts with because it matters to her. The rest? Only for milestone birthdays. It doesn’t mean they are less close, my personal view is friendship isn’t measured by gifts but rather by the care we have for each other. Perhaps think about your relationship as a whole, if she is someone you value then why let this issue come between you, if you have drifted apart then it’s time for a re-evaluation. Relationships to change over time.

Your friend isn’t manipulating you, she just feels it’s time to stop a pointless exchange. My closest friend and I no longer give presents but we do have lunch somewhere different to mark the occasion and pay our own way. It’s what adults do.

geekesse

I don’t think adults need to exchange birthday gifts. It doesn’t mean I don’t have close friendships, it’s just a bit pointless.

Exactly.

We’re not 5 year olds going to birthday parties any more.

you don't sound very sensitive to your friend.
she obviously wanted to stop the gift-giving, but you made it difficult for her by saying you wanted to continue it.
that is a surprising response. why do you want gifts.
and then you say she is manipulating you.
it sounds like you don't want to be friends with her, so maybe best to just let it fizzle out.

I would be happy if a friend suggested stopping pressies, not that I buy many for friends. It is not the financial side of it, but thinking of something to buy especially now we are all older and probably have everything. Something less to think or stress about.

Anyway, AiryFF/FHB I hope you sort out your problem with your friend to both your satisfactions.

I give a gift every year to my 2 neighbours when its their birthday and they give me a plant on mine. I spend what I want to and they do quite well out of it, that's fine, its my choice. I also used to give them lovely Christmas gifts for 20 years and never received one back. That's fine too, it was their choice and I don't mind. I'm not very well off and decided to stop the Christmas gifts, no problem there. In the end it's up to the individual what they want to do. I like plain speaking, so I would have said ' do you want to stop '? Simples !!!

I don’t think adults need to exchange birthday gifts. It doesn’t mean I don’t have close friendships, it’s just a bit pointless.

I have friends where we always bought cards and presents. In recent years we all agreed to stop the presents simply because we all buy what we need. We still send a card. If it’s a special birthday like a 70th for example, I will send a floral gift. Otherwise we don’t do it anymore. Nor at Christmas either. One of the friends told me that another friend of hers gave her things that she gave to a charity shop. This decided me, we don’t need all these things. Others just recycle unwanted gifts they’ve received, passing them onto others. It all gets very silly and in our group we have just stopped it completely.

Do you really want a gift from your friend - i.e., would you be upset if the gift giving stopped? If so, why?
I get the feeling that your friend is trying to say, although indirectly and probably directly would be better but she doesn't want to upset you, that she would like the gift giving to cease and you are not taking the hint. This does not mean that she wants to distance herself, as you suspect. There could very well be valid reasons why she needs to stop buying gifts for friends, reasons you don't know and she doesn't wish to divulge, or it might simply be that she no longer wants to do it, after all, it's now reduced to you giving each other the same thing, (a bottle of booze), which is somewhat pointless, I think.

I have friends I think the world of, but we do not give birthday gifts regularly (only for significant birthdays), nor Christmas gifts. I value my friends for who they are, not for gifts they might give me. I think your friend wants to stop the gift buying and receiving, but this does not necessarily mean she wants the friendship to cease - you go back a long time, therefore ask her outright if that is what she would prefer and accept what she says. Why do you think she is manipulating you? If you think this, then what kind of friendship do you have - maybe it's time to ease off? I don't know - only you do and only you can decide what is important.