Different pace in retirement

My DH is Seventy I am sixty four we both have age related health issues. I have quite aggressive osteoarthritis but I try not to let it hinder me. I have a great passion for my veg patch and other little creative hobbies. I study on line various subjects. My DH has an interest in railway modelling and owns a classic car. He also volunteers at a sports club but has missed it this last year. I think he watches too much TV but that's his choice. We go out for walks together with our dog I love to bird watch we play cards together.
I like to plan a special meal one evening every couple of weeks. It's usually themed so we wine and dine it's like courting again.
I had a very difficult first marriage I learned alot from that experience. You have to compromise and be flexible to make a partnership work.

Retirement doesn’t always work out as planned. In any case, your partner is still working. Surely this gives you the chance to do your own thing for a while? Then plan what you would like to do together and what you are better doing separately.

I had plans to travel when we retired, the trouble was, DH started another job! He is fully retired now, after a further 10 years work, but his health is not what it was. I am not keen on travelling alone, and been nowhere for over a year now of course, but I am soon going to go for day trips by myself and take it from there. As it is, I have several interests which fill half my week, whereas DH spends lots of time doing nothing much.
I think you need to talk, using post COVID as a starting point, about future plans, and see how aligned you are.

OH and I are the opposite. I started planning for my retirement a few years in advance. I made copious lists about things I wanted to do, places to visit, things to join and classes/courses to take part in. By and large I have done most of the stuff I wanted to. At the other extreme, OH who retired a year after me, refused to do any planning. He had two hobbies, both sporting. He has had to give up one because of ill health and the other is difficult for him at the moment. So, even during the pandemic I am involved in zoom things while he does basically nothing. Because he worked overseas a lot he doesn’t really have many friends. He refuses to discuss the situation and has told me not to feel guilty about being busy when he isn’t. Another problem is that because of his medication he doesn’t get up until after 10 am and isn’t really with it until noon. At least one day, when restrictions are properly lifted we can start going to the cinema and theatre again. What I am trying to say is, encourage your partners to plan for retirement!

Hi all, thanks very much for your comments. Perhaps my initial post focused a little too much on the travel aspect which I feel we can find a way to handle. My issue was more about differences in how to live in retirement as I am restless by nature and want to always be busy, my partner is more laid back and can while away the day doing very little. I have I suppose an attitude of making the most of every day and sometimes struggle with the fact that my partner doesn't share this view. I wondered if any of you on the forum have a similar experience and how best to work around differences like this. Many Thanks

In your earlier post you said that your partner didn’t as much money to go travelling as you, is that , and the fact that she still works still the main problem?

My DH loves to travel and is planning trips for once Covid is out of the way, I hate it, I will still go, but for me it won’t be a holiday as I have to organise everything, including all his Meds, paperwork, timings, bookings etc.

Until DH gets bladder and stomach problems too he won’t understand how I feel.

I wonder if there is more to this besides a need to travel are you bored? Everyone ages different and have different ideas for retirement. Do you have family? because this can change plans in retirement. It's not all about you it's about a relationship.

I am always the person in our relationship who initiates our travels, my husband thankfully is happy for me to plan and organise everything and he goes along with it.
Retiring at 62, we set off with our friend of many years on a 12 month backpacking trip around the world.
What an amazing time we had, I kept a journal and took thousands of photographs.
You have to understand long distance travel is not for everyone but I don't understand why you would consider spiting up with your wife when there are alternatives for you unless there are other things where you are not comparable.
My hubby and I don't live in each others pockets we have different interests for some things and share interests.
Relationships are not easy, you are both individuals and there are times when you class.
We are going away separately for one of our holidays this year, that's not a problem for either of us. I am going with a friend and he is going from his club.
I feel sure you could find someone with the same travel interests as yourself or use one of the solos holidays.
I remember when we went traveling in Africa by lorry we were the only couple on the trip the rest were singles ranging from late thirties to early seventies. Don't be nervous about going it alone a friend of mine does it all the time. Best of luck

Hi!
I thought your issues sounded familiar, and I note that you posted in a very similar vein back in October ('Retirement stresses', October 24th) and that this generated 39 posts offering help and advice in reply.

It would seem, sadly, that you are no further on?

Your partner isn't retired yet. You may feel ready to branch out, but she is still tied to work, even if it is part-time.

How would you feel if you broke up your otherwise content relationship, only to find that you are unable to find someone that you relate to as well, and not only end up travelling alone, but being alone all of the time?

There is nothing lonelier than being in the wrong relationship. I've been miserable in many countries, while travelling, due to this very problem. These days, I prefer to travel alone. No one to please but myself!

Perhaps ask her if something is worrying her. Yes, I realise Covid is a worry but I mean beyond that.

Does she have stomach problems that she hasn't discussed with you? If so, travelling might be hard for her and a worry.

If you are generally happy with her and she is good to you, would she agree to joining you for some short breaks and you do one big trip alone every year?

I hope you can work things out.

I can relate to your partner, Rubicon12. We have enjoyed some good holidays together, but I don’t have any desire to go on long holidays with my partner. I wish I felt differently, but we bicker all the time! We are due to have a week on a narrow boat with his children and grandchildren in August, which I’ll enjoy. Other than that, long weekend city breaks are appealing. I’d be very happy for him to go on holiday without me, but like you he doesn’t like travelling alone. Maybe you could come to some compromise.

Sounds to me as though you are feeling restless, and questioning whether you want to remain in your existing relationship.

The travel part of it is just one facet of it all.

I’ve no idea, of course, how long you and your partner have been together; whether you have shared interests; whether you have many friends, mutual and solo. Relationships do change, and sometimes (as I found out after 42 years of marriage) what you thought you’d always thought your retirement would be like, just doesn’t happen. You do need to talk to your partner. It’s no good just burying your heads in the sand. If you can get back on the same path .. great. If you can’t .. we’ll, cross that bridge if you have to. Enjoy your retirement Rubicon12

There is no right or wrong here you just have different interests. This seems to be about more than just travel though. You may find someone that likes travelling but that does not mean you will be compatible in other ways.

You can holiday with other people without having a relationship with them if that would suit you both.

I think you need a proper discussion about how you see your futures. If she would like to find another homebody and you want to find a fulltime travel companion then it is time to separate. Do you want a travel companion or a new relationship?