Dad had another family...

After talking to my DD and ex husband (only one alive who knew dad other than his family) I’ve come to the conclusion- for now - to let sleeping dogs lie. I can’t see any likelihood of a positive outcome if I pursue it. What it has done is give me control so if someone comes at me after mum has gone I can say yes I know. Maybe in time things will change but for now I’m settled. Feel tons better and am very grateful for the responses. Thank you.

Take care Polarbear2. Time to look after yourself.

That must have come as a huge shock, Polarbear and, as your father died 40 years ago, you may have lovely memories of him that have taken a radical shift.
It was not this friend's place to tell you.

As your mother knew, she probably thought it best to turn a blind eye and keep the family together and it must have been so difficult for her, but at least he didn't abandon you and you still will have memories of a lovely father.

If they lied, they did so to protect you. Perhaps you now need to rationalise all this and come to terms with it, as your mother did so stoically, before you decide whether you want to find your half-sibling.

Best wishes

People keep mentioning counselling.

How would someone who wants that get to see a counsellor, whoever is a counsellor? Expensive?

I am not a clinician, but one way could be to make an appointment with your doctor - or maybe another doctor in the same practice if it is a group practice - and ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist. This would be on the NHS so nothing to pay (other than in your taxes of course!).

A clinical psychologist is a trained professional, a clinical psychologist is not a psychiatrist.

Well I’ve had counselling before. I went to someone recommended via work. She was great. I’d find her number and call for an appt. I think it was somewhere round £40 per hour?? Same as a haircut or new dress/shoes. Right now I don’t feel I need it. Maybe due to her giving me the tools to manage my feelings??? I fully appreciate not everyone can afford it and then yes via GP.

Polarbear2

I’d thought I should wait til mum dies before saying or doing anything? She can’t have too much time left. Thought it’d be kinder???

I would be inclined to think this way too.

Do get counselling asap. Not just because of the hurt you are feeling, but it may take the sting out of the situation for you to be able to judge more clearly the next move.

Elderlyperson your expected to refer yourself now. The gp may give you the number but you phone for yourself. Well in my area that how it works.
I've been waiting for 9/10 months for my first appointment, after going through several telephone consultations.
It's the best they can offer but it's an awful system!

Elderlyperson there are many organisations that are charitable that use counsellors some are free, some you make a donation to and some are low priced
Going through a doctor to see a clinical psychiatrist will have a long long waiting list usually a year or more and this lady doesn’t need a psychologist she is not mentally ill she has had a shock that’s disrupted her thinking and to talk it over...even with a close friend would give her benefits
I m not sure what you mean by whoever is a counsellor

I wrote clinical psychologist, not psychiatrist.

Well, clinical psychologists deal with that. They are not psychiatrists.

By whoever is a counsellor I was wondering about how one finds one. Are they qualified or can anyone prepared to accept money to listen call themself a counsellor?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Association_for_Counselling_and_Psychotherapy

Although counselling and psychotherapy are not statutorily regulated professions,[11] BACP works alongside other associations to advise and appeal to government[12] in attempts to ensure members of the public who access the counselling professions are safeguarded

Namsnanny

Elderlyperson your expected to refer yourself now. The gp may give you the number but you phone for yourself. Well in my area that how it works.
I've been waiting for 9/10 months for my first appointment, after going through several telephone consultations.
It's the best they can offer but it's an awful system!

Your right Namsnanny it is an awful system. The first contact you will have is a telephone conversation.
They will ask you ( not long into the call ) if your suicidal. If you answer, no, you could wait forever for an appointment to see someone in person.

I don't think is even worth going through the NHS if you can pay. In fact my GP said to me I had 'too much going there' to gain anything from the NHS support available, which is helpful isn't it?

Can I just add something, please don't contact a half sibling without support first. There have been a lot of posters on here who think it is positive to have a family member you don't know about but that is very naïve and you really need to first ascertain what YOU want and then accept there are other peoples feelings involved too.

Yes, definitely no knee jerk reactions. Wait a while, you may feel more able to deal with it in say, six months. We had a similar thing in our family, although not on your level. When my granny died forty years ago, my mum discovered another marriage certificate. She’d been married before meeting and marrying my grandad presumably. My mum had no idea, and neither did anyone else.

There are many things in the past which have happened in families which it is best to leave there.

You will never know what the true story is.

I have a box in my head where the past lives the things that hurt and upset me that I couldn't do anything about.

Occasional the lid opens and I am heartbroken and upset but there is nothing I can change and I know that, so there the past remains and I close the lid and carry on with my life.

Don't talk to mum about this if you see she is upset that would be cruel and certainly don't speak to other members of the family.

If it’s of help in future, when my brother had a DNA test as part of tracing family history, he was given details of other close DNA matches, people that we don’t know.

Just mentioning it here, not for now, but if and when the time is right for you later on, it might help.

Are you making this about you?

Some good advise already given. Having had some upsetting and surprising results back last week from doing my DNA test on My Heritage which has left me saddened and confused I would certainly suggest you speak to your aunt and uncle about it, I have no living relatives left and once they pass the information passes with them. Then the only way to get answers is lengthy tracing of family trees. I wouldn’t wait as you’ll be in the situation I’m in and it’s upsetting and frustrating.

You had a picture of the hero, your dad and have now found that he wasn't as shining bright as you thought he was. That must be very hard to understand and accept.
I think that there are possibly many more families with a similar thing that is known but never spoken about. I found out at an aunt's funeral, that she was actually my uncle's second wife, not his one and only! His first wife was never mentioned.
Your mum, bless her, accepted the situation , which is not uncommon with people of her generation. I think that you gently need to explain to mum that you need to know what happened - she must have known that this would happen some time- reassure her that whatever she says will not make you love her less than you do now.
Bless her, she has probably been badly hurt in the past and talking about it may give her a chance to heal.
I wouldn't talk to anyone else in the family until you speak to her first.

I have a similar story , dad died 31 years ago , when mum died 5 years ago the truth came out - dad had a previous marriage and a daughter which we only found out about after mums funeral , although a shock we got in touch and have never looked back , we have a lovely relationship and so pleased to have found each other . There is no one to ask for info so I would talk to your aunt and uncle while you can ?

It seems it was an arrangement both your mum and dad were in agreement on. I don't think it's anyone else's business how they chose to conduct their marriage. I can understand your feelings however it's not your secret to tell.

Please ask questions whilst everyone is still living. Once they’ve died it’s too late and you may have a life of wondering. It’s like a jigsaw with too many pieces missing. Please be brave and ask. Your mother already knows and your family members could fill in the missing pieces.
Be brave - he stood by your family but needed more. Lots like him.
Please can you post the outcome. Good wishes x

I’m so sorry. Something very similar happened to a friend a few years ago. Devastating to deal with and it only came out after his mum’s death. Turns out she knew and looking back it had obviously made her very unhappy. His father has revealed himself as completely uninterested in anyone’s feelings but his own. A bitter revelation to come to terms with. The relationship with the father has been maintained but it’s more superficial now than he’ll ever acknowledge.
This is understandably a major shock and I’d advise taking your time to process this further by yourself before sharing the information. Talking this through with a trusted level headed but emotionally intelligent friend if you don’t fancy therapy may be all you need but take your time. You’re in shock now and that’s not surprising.

Perhaps instead of thinking all that you hope to derive from a half sibling you shouldn't consider how you making contact would affect the other person. After all these years since your father's death you may well cause a lot of distress. Perhaps do some geneoligy researching to confirm one way or another if there is a half sibling, that may be enough.

Polarbear2

I’d thought I should wait til mum dies before saying or doing anything? She can’t have too much time left. Thought it’d be kinder???

No please don’t wait until your mum has gone. It’s different (I’m speaking as an adopted person in contact with my birth family - and that’s a whole new post!) but once you lose someone there’s a huge amount of information goes with them that you can never recover. It’s tough I know but you do need as much information as you can get.

Thus half brother or sister might well be looking for you. I suggest you get onto the DNA register. This might be the way to find this half sibling...either directly or by being matched with one of their children.
Because of DNA my ex has just be discovered by a woman of 50 who is his daughter....my children's half sister...born before I met him. He had no idea about her.