Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

Of course we don't know the exact story of what happened and although the sister who has Mum living with her sounds pretty high and mighty, it's not for us to judge.
What we can comment on is whether Mum has the right to see her estranged daughter. IF she wants to. She may not.
My contribution is..... 'abuse' is a bit of a strong description. Mum is living with a daughter, sharing her home and being well cared for, it seems. The only fly in the ointment is this argument. That has to be put aside for Mum's last few years. If she wants to see her daughter, the sister's have to work on a way for that to happen. ASAP. It's the right thing to do. The last thing they want is for Mum's dying words to be that she wanted to see her daughter.

Might younger sister agree to contact via Skype?

The mother should be facilitated to see the other sister in her own home.

It could be a Safeguarding issue if she’s prevented from doing so. Controlling who she can see, is abuse.

This is a hard one and I know I would never of let two sisters of mine into my home after what they put my parents through. We were a family of 4 sisters and after bad fall outs in the family, the eldest one never went to our fathers funeral and then when my mother died her and another sister never went to our mothers. I would be very close to my other sister and neither of us will ever forgive them for hurt they caused and some may think we are sisters and should forgive, but no, not ever. To not go to your parents funeral after them caring and loving you for years is a disgrace. You look after yourself, don't take sides and let them make their own decisions, it will be them who have to live with the guilt.

Your Mother may not want to see this younger sister.
Ask her.

Whatever sibling grudge these two are nursing, comes second if a frail, elderly mother is being denied contact with one of her children and visa versa. The fact that your mother happens to live under her roof is irrelevant. Your mother might as well be a hostage.

If that were my mother and my sister, I would have to get involved. Speak to your mother's doctor, a social worker, a priest or anyone who can intervene on your mother's behalf. There should be zero tolerance for this kind of selfish, mean spirited, controlling behavior! Shame on your sister!!

If the family live in Tier 2 or 3, they can't visit in each others houses.

I am the youngest of 3 sisters, and had a good relationship with my 2 sisters (sadly my eldest sister died a few years ago).

When my mother was still alive my 2 sisters wouldn’t speak to each other and I never knew why. However, when my mother died it seems that she would ‘play one sister off again st the other’ for her own means, resulting in the poor relationship. Within 6 months of my mother’s death they were speaking again and we all remained good friends.

Perhaps it is the mother that is causing the rift between your sisters.

Is there scope for a trusted family friend to have a gentle chat with your younger sister, as an ‘ independent third party’ outside the family.

Raise awareness that although the homeowner, she does have a duty of care to a vulnerable adult, & that means not denying contact with family.

Indeed, reasonable people might regard the situation as a ‘safeguarding’ issue & that a concerned person may make a quick call to Adult Social Services. This may well occur a swift welfare check - no notice, no negotiation. Imagine how complicated that would be !

Howabout, just popping out for a few hours at a time so your mum can have her daughter round for a cup of tea?

I agree with Lizzie and others and think it is abuse to keep your mother apart from one of her children. I think you should seek outside help - and explain to your sister that you want to do all you can for your mother while she lives - you do not want to look back after her death and deeply regret not taking appropriate action to give her her wish to see all her children. Better to calmly explain this, rather than having a row with your sister - just prepare her for your getting support from outside if necessary. The GP might help, or Social Services and you could try the Citizens Advice Bureau, or even a mediator ( e,g, a trusted outsider like a vicar, respected teacher, or lawyer and you can find professibonal mediators on line) You need to know while your mother lives that you did all you reasonably could - and I think the sister who is forbidding the other to visit, will, in the long run, feel much better that she didn't deny her mother the chance to see all her daughters. It is hard on you - but a key time for you too to do what you feel is right.

I'm with hithere on this. I might be easier to see why this situation has arisen if we had more background. We don't seem to.know what the 92 year old thinks about it all. For all we know she doesn't want to.see the sister either, so any talk of abuse is wide of the mark.

I'm with Missadventure on this. Your Mum may not own the bricks and mortar, but it's her home and if she wants a visit from someone then she should be able to have one.

Maybe ask the younger sister how she would feel if her Mum dies and hasn't been able to see her other daughter? Does she want that to be a lasting memory??

Have any of you been made Power of Attorney for your Mums Health/Wellbeing...You could speak to the Office Of Guardianship for advice.
Your sister whose home your Mother lives at is just thinking of her own needs and not the needs of her Mother. Your Mother may not have much longer to live and your sister has to live with herself for ignoring your Mothers wishes to see the other daughter before she leaves this world.
Denying your Mother the right to see her other daughter must be heartbreaking for your Mother. Your sister needs to hear/listen to your Mothers needs... Put her Adult hat on and be the better person for your Mothers sake. Your sister will be given your Mother one of her last important wishes of her life and your Mother will never forget that.
So that your sister does not feel that she is losing control of what is going on in her own home...she could decide on the days & times of the visit and the third sister will have to comply with that. Your sister could use that time for herself by meeting up with friends or go shopping whilst you be at her home until the other sister goes home.
In the long run your sister will feel a better person for what she is doing long after your Mum has gone.
The relationship between the two sisters may sort itself out...if not...well, its not the most important issue right now...your Mothers needs is. xx

Actually I think this is a Safeguarding issue.
If your Mom wants to see your other sister, and is being stopped from doing so it can be classed form of phycological abuse.
If your Mom wants to see her other Daughter, (and it is safe for her to do so within the Covid rules) I suggest you carefully raise this issue with your sister, and show her the information on the NHS website.

I heartily concur, the sister that took their Mum in, which means this is also now the Mums house. I despise certain members of my own family, however, I would never force my opinions onto others. You take as you find.

There are several points to consider here. Is the sister whose house it is, using their mother as a weapon against the estranged sister. Does she resent the fact that she is the one with the burden of looking after their mother and is it her way of showing it. Finally, how will this sister feel when her mother passes away, it will be to late to put things right then, and the bitterness will go on. So sad.

I think you will find that your younger sister can't prevent a visit from the other sister under the law. Police won't get involved but social services might help. As a poster has said it is a form of abuse of your mother. Citizens Advice might be able to offer help - either via arbitration or on points of the law. Is your younger sister after inheritance money all for herself? If she is willing to abuse a 92 year old lady in such a way then the younger sister must be a really nasty piece of work. Be careful, your younger sister might decide to ban you as well. This has happened in exactly the same way to me. I am the eldest and younger sister has mum with her. Middle sister has been banned and later I was banned. Mum now sees no one from outside younger sisters house. Motive = inheritance money 100% certain. My battle to see mum is still continuing as younger sister is using Covid to prevent contact. Mum is deaf so phone calls are out. Letters are intercepted by younger sister. Mum's eye sight not good so I get no reply and I don't even know if mum gets the letters. I have sent flowers and presents to mum but I never get a reply. My younger sister should be ashamed of herself!

What would be so nice would be if you could take Mum out in a wheelchair to a nearby park where she can meet with your sister. Is this absolutely out if the question? Or could they meet at your house? It may take some organising but you are more likely to find out what your mother really thinks of the situation if she is removed from the domination of one sister. And no I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is your mum we are talking about and if you can make her life a little better at this time in her life it is the right thing to do.

This is such a difficult one because you or your Mum have little control and that makes it frustrating.
How does the sister who doesn't see your mother feel? It really is up to her to make amends or take confrontational action (like reports to social services, police, etc if she thinks there is coercive control) rather than you. As sad as it is, there is little you can do about it and you risk alienating both sisters if you persist in trying to find a resolution. Take a step back and leave them to get on with it.
That said, as my mother descends into dementia, I have had to put aside my estrangement with my sister for the sake of my mother and the rest of the family. I'll never forgive her for what she did but my mother has so little else going on in her life other than pain and confusion, it seems really cruel to do anything else. Although I am continually reminded of how difficult it is to navigate a relationship with my sister since communicating again and I will never trust her again, it has its up side in that I had also forgotten her good points. I think it is a crying shame that your sister won't give herself the opportunity for the good bits that inevitably intrinsic with family.

Younger sister's home yes - but younger sister doesn't have the right to say - which effectively she is doing - that your other sister can never see her mother again, and vice versa. Imagine your mother dying without being able to say goodbye to one of her children who wants to see her - clearly there was something major between your two sisters but whatever it was your mother's wishes should be the more important concern so she should be asked.

The OP only tells us her sister wants to visit her mother, not that her mother wants her sister to visit. Unless OP comes back to confirm this we cannot really decide if she is BU or not but this really, although it's the questions the OP is asking us, is not the main issue.

The issue here is the situation the mother is in. It seems strange that no-one (unless I've missed it) has even mentioned Age UK. Their Factsheet 78 'Safeguarding Older People from Abuse and Neglect' would be a helpful starting point here. I'm sure they probably have an advice line where you could speak to someone too.

BUT this is only relevant if your mother wishes to see her other daughter, if the mother's emotional/psychological needs are not being met.

I'm an oldest child myself and have found myself in the role of piggy in the middle mediator in a family dispute resulting in estrangement. My advice would definitely be don't get involved in trying to mediate, that ship has sailed, you now have to be guided by the wishes of your mum.

AIBU to wonder why OPs don’t either acknowledge the replies to their requests for help or make the question clearer. (Not only this post) It’s been 2 days since this was posted and no further posts from OP, like many other OPs it would be nice to acknowledge the posts trying to help and not let the discussion turn into a guessing game or worse still an argument.

On the face of it I think what happened has been well explained - no need for more details. The bottom line is that a very old lady is being denied access to see one of her children. This is totally unacceptable- for whatever reason- she is clearly not able to fight for her own rights - however I am presuming that she wants to see her excluded daughter? - decent children would put her Wishes first. The daughter looking after her must have her hands full of course so she’s obviously caring and busy. PLEASE all of you - put your mother first -

Although you are obviously, and rightly, concerned about the situation, I think it needs, as GrandetanteJE65 says, an outsider to get involved.

You could end up losing both of your sisters if you take sides.

Could your sister go out for an hour or so ( you or a friend of hers ) could also be in the house ?