Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

I think asking for back stories is at best intrusive and at worst distorting the basic question.

We arnt in a court here, sitting in judgement.
We are interested observers. Just that.
As others have said before, who ever owns the property where the Mother lives is irrelevant.
She is entitled to have who ever she wants to visit her.
More to the point, will she have the confidence to insist on this, when her main carer is so against it?

Namsnanny I totally agree with you. It's a horrible situation but I hope the mum will be strong enough to insist that she sees her daughter.

Good luck to you all. I speak from experience as I fell out with my sister whilst my mum was living with me. Sister came round twice a week to see Mum and I made her a coffee, then made myself scarce, and called 'bye' when she left. We were always able to be civil to each other when we were in company and gradually got to having a conversation, although things never did get back to what they were. But as she and I agreed, it's about Mum, not anyone else.

I applaud you and your sister nanasam.
A really good example, showing a thoughtful emotionally intelligent approach to a difficult family problem.

The mother may not be an innocent victim here as most posters claim to be the case.

She chose to stay in the house of one daughter knowing of the rift between that daughter and another one

Is this the first time that visits are prevented?
When was the last time that daiagter could enter the youngest daughter's house?

I know...... more "intrusive" question

What is the point of intrusive questions Hithere. The sisters fell out five years ago.
We don't know whether their mother was already living with the daughter who is her carer.
It doesn't matter who said what to who. It certainly doesn't matter whether we conclude this 92 year old woman, who has been very ill is "an innocent victim as most posters here claim to be the case".
The OP said she feels exhausted by what she sees as her piggy in the middle role. She asked for advice on whether there is anything more she can do and whether she is BU to say visits should go ahead. We don't need to interrogate to try and apportion blame. Most posters recognise the intractable nature of some estrangements and the dreadful pain experienced by all involved. Some suggestions have been made and its up to the OP to decide whether she would best step back or not.

Okie dokie

Regardless of the mother's role (if any) in the situation, the bottom line is that at 96 she is unlikely to have a lot of time ahead of her, and if she wants to see her daughter, there is not the luxury of waiting to see if things change, or rifts are healed.

Yes, the house belongs to one daughter, but it is the mother's home, and even prisoners are allowed to have visitors.

As others have said, the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of what happened are irrelevant, and possibly lost in the mists of time anyway. It really doesn't matter if the house-owning sister is 100% blameless and the other one is rotten to the core - she does not have the right to issue punishments and prevent a mother and daughter from saying goodbyes just because she holds all the cards in this situation.

In many ways, it would be better all round if there could be some sort of truce, or even a temporary ceasefire, so that the funeral (when it happens) can go ahead with a veneer of family solidarity. There will, presumably, be others there who want to see off the old lady, and it would be a shame if their last memories of her were spoiled by all of this.

She chose to stay in the house of one daughter knowing of the rift between that daughter and another one

How do you know this Hithere? The OP says that the dispute between the 2 sisters occurred 5 years ago but she doesn't say when their mother went to live with one of them. So what leads you to think that the mother went to live with one daughter after that dispute? What makes you think that the mother "may not be an innocent victim here"? What do you know that the OP hasn't disclosed? From the information provided by the OP we only know that the dispute is between the 2 sisters; there is no hint that their argument involved or was connected in any way with their mother in any way. So what are you alluding to that the OP hasn't revealed?

Chewbacca (love your sn btw)

The fight happened 5 years ago and the mother is now living with one of the daughters - doesnt matter of the mother moved in before or after the fight.

I'd consider taking your Mum out in a wheelchair to a cafe or other public place, so your sister can see her on neutral ground.

Your sister hasn't said no to that... so if you did do it, what can she say? Is your Mum aware of her surroundings and able to express her wants?

Dooddledog

Some rifts cannot have truce, sadly

All you can do is navigate around the issues to make things happen

I clearly don’t agree with some of the people on here, all these people are your family and of course you feel involved, the sister who is stopping your sister from seeing her own mother, who may pass away without them having met. If this happens it would be a bit tragic. Is your Mum mobile and/or well enough for you to bring her to your house ? Can this be done given COVID ?

The mother probably feels grateful to the sister who has taken her into her home and is possibly very anxious not to antagonise her by making demands about who should be allowed to visit.

Traviata, I don't know whether your mother is dependent on your sister's phone to have conversations, but would it be an idea to get her one of those very simple phones marketed for elderly users. She could then make and receive phone calls from the other sister whenever they pleased (although it's all dependent on her remembering to keep it turned on with battery charged!). Not the same as having a visit, but potentially better than nothing.

So sorry to see you in this mess not of your doing. When your Mom recovers perhaps you might be able to take her out to the local park or somewhere she visited to rekindle good memories and then your sister can see her. You need to be careful how you plan such an activity.

I think there is a safeguarding issue here. Does the elderly mother have access to her solicitor? Has she been able to make her will in private?
Are her wishes taken into account?
Legal advice might be advisable.

Absolutely agree with MissAdventure its neglect of your mother needs when she is vulnerable. I also was a nursing Sister for 40 years and advocate for vulnerable poorly people. I to had two sisters that would not speak nor acknowledge each other for 30 years, but they had to tolerate each other before mum passed away for her sake, which is right. Ask your mother why she wants if she wants to see her daughter then the other will have to agree. That is your mothers home too, I bet some of her pension goes towards running the home or your sister gets carers allowance. It is wrong and neglectful of your sister to stop your mother seeing her daughter, therefore I'm afraid abuse. Your sister can go out or sit in another room, but she has no right to forbide your mother from doing what she wants, its against human rights and morally wrong. X

I'm sure that Traviata has thought of this, but the question to her sister (whose home Mum is in) should be "What can we do to enable Mum to see [other sister]?"

Without knowing details, it is difficult, but I would have thought that Traviata + one sister could help Mum to the car / taxi, then Traviata and t'other sister help her out at the other end (at whichever house is convenient)

It sounds to me as if sister is digging her heels in without helping Traviata to think around the problem. If she refuses to do some problem solving, could another relative or friend help in mediating?

I would concentrate on the practical problem, simply accepting that sister has her reasons.

I hope some of these ideas have been helpful

Surely to deny a visit is coercive control over a vulnerable person who doesn't seem to have a 'voice due to infirmity. It seems unnecessary to isolate the mother from her daughter.

I wonder if the banned sister would agree to being the bigger person and write saying she regrets the past but their joint love for their mother means she would like to visit. She could say the reconciliation (even if it is just for the mother's lifetime) may give the mother comfort. She should also express appreciation for the exemplary care.

Someone has to swallow pride. I think the visitor should also say that she wouldn't be intrusive and call for long periods and only at a time convenient to the main carer.

If it's not going too far, she could offer practical help - reading to the mother maybe whilst her sister has some time to herself - show appreciation of her devotion.

Could you get someone outside the family to mediate between your sisters?

If your sister, who is not living with your mother, wants to see her, she might just have to apologise to her other sister, whatever the circumstances of their quarrel.

If you mother wants to see this daughter, then I too feel that the sister whose house it is needs to allow this. The point could perhaps be made by her doctor, or if you are believers her clergyman.

I would ask citizens' advice whether the householder legally can deny her mother the right to see whomever she wants.

OP, I don't know if this is workable. Your sister who is housing your mum probably feels the strain too. Can you suggest to her that she deserves a break, and that your mum should stay with you for a week or so for respite care? Then when your mum is in your house, she can see your other sister.

Could your sister go out for an hour or so ( you or a friend of hers ) could also be in the house ?

Although you are obviously, and rightly, concerned about the situation, I think it needs, as GrandetanteJE65 says, an outsider to get involved.

You could end up losing both of your sisters if you take sides.

On the face of it I think what happened has been well explained - no need for more details. The bottom line is that a very old lady is being denied access to see one of her children. This is totally unacceptable- for whatever reason- she is clearly not able to fight for her own rights - however I am presuming that she wants to see her excluded daughter? - decent children would put her Wishes first. The daughter looking after her must have her hands full of course so she’s obviously caring and busy. PLEASE all of you - put your mother first -

AIBU to wonder why OPs don’t either acknowledge the replies to their requests for help or make the question clearer. (Not only this post) It’s been 2 days since this was posted and no further posts from OP, like many other OPs it would be nice to acknowledge the posts trying to help and not let the discussion turn into a guessing game or worse still an argument.

The OP only tells us her sister wants to visit her mother, not that her mother wants her sister to visit. Unless OP comes back to confirm this we cannot really decide if she is BU or not but this really, although it's the questions the OP is asking us, is not the main issue.

The issue here is the situation the mother is in. It seems strange that no-one (unless I've missed it) has even mentioned Age UK. Their Factsheet 78 'Safeguarding Older People from Abuse and Neglect' would be a helpful starting point here. I'm sure they probably have an advice line where you could speak to someone too.

BUT this is only relevant if your mother wishes to see her other daughter, if the mother's emotional/psychological needs are not being met.

I'm an oldest child myself and have found myself in the role of piggy in the middle mediator in a family dispute resulting in estrangement. My advice would definitely be don't get involved in trying to mediate, that ship has sailed, you now have to be guided by the wishes of your mum.