Husband’s Indifference.

I think SODAPOP has it right - he doesn't know how to react to you being ill. It it were me I'd cope a little less when feeling poorly.

I think this sounds very sad, but it depends on whether he does this in relation to other things or just on this occasion. If he turns away from other concerns or even conversational subjects you are raising and changes the subject that can be very frustrating and distressing - I sympathise having suffered from that myself and it can really drive you mad because you feel they are just not connecting with you. But different people have different levels of what they can tolerate and as someone else said we all have our failings. So look at the number of times he does this, and whether it's only on specific occasions, and then consider how deeply it impacts on you.

Mine doesn't really do 'ill' either.

I'll never forget having the flu - real proper flu not a bad cold. It was when, as a carer, I was bottom of the pecking order to get a flu jab so I was still waiting for mine.
Anyway after over a week in bed
I decided to try getting up for a meal. I managed about five minutes before realising it was a mistake and had to go back to bed. After finishing his own meal dh came upstairs and picked a row with me about it!!

I sympathise with you UTI is very painful I have had it a few times also. I grew up with 2 brothers and married to a man very much like your husband, I also had three sons. I always tried to carry on with whatever ailment I had, the trick is with men is you have to tell them what to do, like I’m feeling in a lot of pain at the moment so I’m going to rest, so ask him to do the jobs that need doing, he may not be has good has you at doing it, and don’t forget to praise him for his help then he will be more ready to help again ?

I’d be inclined to say something like, “ a bit of sympathy wouldn’t come amiss you know!”

Or, “ this is the bit when you tell me how sorry you are for me and bring me a hot water bottle/ cup of tea/ gin and tonics!”

Urine infections can be really painful I hope you soon recover I never have any sympathy kind words hugs or anything from my husband I've learnt over the years there is no point saying anything so I don't

I don’t think some men cope with illness they seem to think if they ignore it it’ll go away. I was once ill in bed with acute tonsillitis with two under 5s dh just Popped his head around the bedroom door and said I’m off to work then, i had to ring my mum as I couldn’t stand up she wasn’t impressed.

You should take to your bed and let him fend for himself. Maybe he'd notice then.

Good morning all
Some of your posts made me laugh, especially the idea of Beanie's DH fetching and carrying g upand down the stairs!
On a serious note, Londonwifi, I do hope you're feeling better and looking after yourself by staying in bed or on the sofa with a big jug of fluids by your side. It will be soon noticed when mealtimes come and go and nothing's ready.
We "wifies" do too much for our own good and we need to slow down on all the household chores, then I think we will be appreciated a bit more.
Get well soon.

Selective hearing I would sayI have one the same here!

SOME men aren’t so good at the “emotional” side of life, despite caring about us very much and so are better approached as either a statement of fact from you or request for assistance. So what did you want to achieve from your comments to him? Maybe he thought it was simply statements of facts? If you want him to do things for you then simply ask, even if that’s heading to bed and demanding to be fussed over with him fetching and carrying! Maybe he’s not the sympathetic/empathetic type?

Horrid ailment. My sincere sympathies. However, I wonder if the attention you want from your husband would make you feel one iota better physically. At the moment it seems to be adding to your angst. I'm assuming there are only the two of you. If so, I would do whatever it takes to make me as comfortable as I can be and leave him to see to his own needs entirely. I do mean entirely.

Am sorry, course it might be because it worries him?
Some just can't help it and react by switching off ?
Has he always been the same?
Hope you've seen your dr and are soon well x

My DH can't cope with illness. He hates feeling helpless and out of control, and can't admit to any weakness. Several times recently I've heard him on the phone saying "Yes, we're fine thanks". No mention of my dental problems, tooth pain and sleepless nights. To be fair he has driven me to the dentist five times but that's different because he is doing something practical. More straightforward for him than expressing sympathy.

What do you want him to say?
I know my husband is often at a loss as to what response to give so I get nothing.
If you want help, tell him. If you want sympathy, tell him. Whatever response you want, tell him.
If I've learned nothing else in my 59 years I've learned that a) men don't do hints and b)they will ignore something if they don't know the 'correct' response.
They need black and white, not shades of grey.

Men are born deaf unless we are walking around naked and they suddenly hear everything we say and actually look at us when we are speaking.
Such is life eh.

I’ve the same ‘useless’ DH here - when I was really ill, I had to resort to ringing him on his mobile phone to bring up a drink - as for food, I could’ve starved to death. Out of sight, out of mind!!

Now he’s ill, a recent period of bedrest saw me up and down stairs constantly with drinks, food, meds, newspapers etc etc.

When I broke my arm one night he said he’d take me to A&E the next morning. I think he learned a lesson because they queried why he’d waited and suspected non-accidental!
Stupid me - I’d fallen downstairs in the dark!!

Ouch! A very nasty, painful illness and I hope you get over it very soon, but I am puzzled by your question. Has your husband always been so unsympathetic, and if so why is it suddenly a problem? More to the point, does he expect to be pampered when he has any illness? I would guess the answer is yes, and I expect you behave rather more kindly to him.

You say you aren't a complainer but you told your husband three times in one evening that you were in pain. What is he supposed to do? Is there anything he can do that would make a difference?

I don't want to sound unsympathetic (I'm not; I have plenty of experience of chronic pain), but what sort of response would count as not being indifferent? A hug? The offer of a drink (tea, wine, woteva)? A suggestion that you take painkillers?

Decide what you want from him and tell him what it is.

When I once told my DH that I had previously mentioned something he was questioning he replied "You may have done but perhaps I wasn't listening properly"
That means now that whenever I forget to mention something and he tells me so I tell him that I possibly did mention it but perhaps he wasn't listening properly!
He accepts that .

I think must husbands ignore pain or illness in their wives in the hope that it will go away if no notice is taken of it!

Next time you want him to listen to you while he is watching youtube get between him and the screen.

DH was brought up in a family that gave detailed running commentaries about their health, including bowel movements and emissions of any kind and would compare them in levels of pain, volume, odour with previous episodes.

DH thought that was "normal" and did the same when we got married. Like them, he would also mention such things when we were eating and in front of friends.

I had to ask him to stop but he relapses occasionally.

There's a happy medium I suppose. I am very squeamish and faint at the sight of blood. Others don't mind.

It may not be indifference.

The OP and her DH need to sit down and talk about it.

UTIs are not nice - you have my sympathy. I suspect your husband doesn't know how to display sympathy or handle you being ill and it may even make him wonder how he would manage if you weren't there - so he shuts it out! You're the best one to know if that may be the case.
Perhaps when it's bad, you could say something like " I know it isn't anything life-threatening, but it's particularly painful tonight. I'll have to lie down for a while. Could you be a darling and bring me a hot water bottle and a cup of tea ( or whatever)"
That would just make him aware you really are in pain and that there is something he can do, even if he doesn't know how to express sympathy verbally.
You could maybe discuss it calmly when you're over the infection to explain how it makes you feel if he ignores you when you say you're in pain/unwell?
Just a suggestion. Good luck.

Throw yourself to the floor and writhe around in agony.....that should get his attention - but that’s just how I’d deal with it, I know it wouldn’t suit everyone!

I regret to say this is not uncommon. Husband's hear the voice but not the words. I left hospital having had a major operation to discover my husband had told his uncle I would be cooking dinner that night. He had already been told by the Ward Sister that I was to do nothing in the way of housekeeping or work for a least four months. After four months the floor spotless but the dust layer on furniture and fittings to write your name in. I was so depressed by the dreadful state I wept. The response from H "well as you can't do it you will have to put up with how I do things". I learnt my lesson, and when feeling below par told him he would have to fend for himself as I did not feel up to it.