Very difficult DIL

Again, everyone is different.

Wow! I am the Mother of four Sons with two Daughters in Law and while I really would cherish time with my DSs and Grandchildren, I do think she is being rude. If she said' do you mind if I buzz off? That would be great. However I really don't think it is worth getting upset about. Be the better person, continue to extend your hospitality. Maybe your DS is embarrassed about her behavior? Totally ignore it and enjoy your special time xx

It seems some posters are so desperate to keep the peace they put up with bad manners and entitled in laws

It may be less about keeping the piece and more about keeping contact. When one has not experienced the "eggshell treading" it can be very hard to imagine doing it....in the end it comes down to the priorites...regular contact with ACs and GC or an in-law behaving exactly as one would expect in ones own home maybe!!

I am not specifically referring to the OP here, just pointing out that this sort of situation is just not always as simplistic as it might initially appear ...from all perspectives of the people involved in each different case.

I think it’s fine for DIL to have a nap, timeout whatever but it would be polite to just say, if only to DS, that’s what she’s doing.

I really don't get it tbh. If I invite someone to stay the weekend I really don't expect them to follow me around until bedtime. They are guests at my house, I treat them like guests not entertainment

I didnt like my MIL either. She really wasnt a very nice person, very manipulative and controlling. But I was brought up to have good manners and ALWAYS treated her with respect, out of respect for my husband as well as good manners. She was my children's grandmother after all. It would take just a few seconds to join the skype conversation to say Hello, Happy Birthday etc then excuse herself to go and do something else. What example is she setting her daughters? Very rude to just disappear. I would quite accept the need for some 'me' time for a busy mum and encourage her to do just that. That would also give the OP a little special time with her GDs. It takes effort to get to know and understand someone - it's a two way thing. Sounds like in this case it's one sided on the OP. I hope things improve over time

I really don't expect them to follow me around until bedtime.

I don't think that this is what's being suggested though is it? There's a distinct difference between a guest saying that they'd like to go and have a couple of hours nap and the guest who just absents themselves from the household without saying anything at all. I don't think for one moment that the OP was suggesting that her DIL should shadow her from morning till night!

Yet again someone Starts a thread doesn’t get 100% sympathy and disappears. I think that’s quite ill mannered actually!

I really don't get it tbh. If I invite someone to stay the weekend I really don't expect them to follow me around until bedtime. They are guests at my house, I treat them like guests not entertainment

I don't expect that either from guests, either but I'm not sure that is what is being expected in this case or suggested by other posters

Lucca The original poster is not I'll mannered, she/he let us know that they would not be returning due to some of the harsh responses. Another new poster probably lost to Gransnet, which is a shame.

What a wonderful response!

If a guest followed me around all day, I'd not only suggest that they should go and nap, I'd follow them up and tuck them in,nice and tight.

MissAdventure

If a guest followed me around all day, I'd not only suggest that they should go and nap, I'd follow them up and tuck them in,nice and tight.

Love it!

Like this MissA?

Love the picture Chewbacca

That's the one!
My mum used to tuck us into bed like that.

rafichagran

Lucca The original poster is not I'll mannered, she/he let us know that they would not be returning due to some of the harsh responses. Another new poster probably lost to Gransnet, which is a shame.

Not really a loss if they just expect everyone to say “oh yes you’re right”

8 pages so far...

Is the OP upset by DIL going for a nap/ read/ quiet time or by the fact she hasn’t announced it?
I would much rather a family member felt that they could have a bit of “ me time” than all of us sit about having “ polite “ conversation. When my granddaughter comes to visit we do baking, craft etc to give her parents a bit of a break & we love it too.
If it bothers you why not preempt it by suggesting an activity & making it clear that those who want to can participate & if they don’t they can do their own thing for a couple of hours?

Are you over bearing ???

Lucca -- "Not really a loss if they just expect everyone to say “oh yes you’re right” -- I agree and so true. Some here complain that the site is no longer friendly. And by "friendly" I translate 'that' into VALIDATING.

Because of my background I have my 'view' of the world which is considered "unfriendly" etc. to some because I refuse to, 'just take people at their word' like I (apparently) expect when I say I am a child abuse victim/survivor...

As a true victim/survivor of real Narcissistic abuse I not only never saw myself as a 'victim' because the victim was clearly my 'mom' but I also understood and still 'get'? No one believes Me. That's the message that is stamped onto a child-abuse victim's forehead... "NO ONE will 'believe' YOU over Me." So when people say/tell Me (paraphrased), "You expect/want people to believe You but you refuse to give 'others' the same consideration/courtesy." Me -- "Not when I see all kinds of red-flags in what you say/have said... Abusers twist and manipulate stories/'truths'... True victims bought and believe those truths. Enlightened/recovered abuse survivors are tired of listening to parental 'stories'..."

That is why certain actions/behaviors/words are such red-flags for Me. OP didn't receive 100% validation/SHE was "right" and walked off... WHICH if you think about 'it' might be the type of attitude/thinking/behavior that makes DiL creep away... And as others' have helpfully suggested/stated, to paraphrase -- "Count yourself lucky you have the contact you do. Some DiL's in the 'same situation' would happily cut You out."

If no one ever said "I think you are being unreasonable" to anyone then we'd just be a society throwing a mass tantrum.

Everyone is different which is exactly why we need to compromise. Especially when different is just different, not awful/horrrible/rude etc

We live in a multicultured, constantly changing and evolving (usually for the better) society. If we can't give a person a little leeway for not having a good childhood and not really feeling comfortable on Skype or even face to face sometimes due to probably feeling shy and overwhelmed... Well there are other people who do love us as we are, and the parents of the adult children who love us as we are should at least happy about all the love going around and place priority on that, not having a picture perfect DIL/SIL.

Maybe?

I dunno.

the parents of the adult children who love us as we are should at least happy about all the love going around and place priority on that, not having a picture perfect DIL/SIL.

I agree to some extent Starblaze and certainly allowances can be made and understanding shown. I dont though think that all parents are necessarily looking for "picture perfect" as you describe it. More trying to get their heads around the relationships etc not maybe being what they had pictured, the nuances of different behaviours, their own ideas of "rudeness"/unfriendliness as opposed to someone elses etc. That is not the fault of anyone really, and is hard for everyone in relationships isnt it especially when it is such an important relationship. It can take time for some to accept differences, and maybe also priorities and certainly some never do which is where huge problems understandably arise.

Holy Hannah, I don't always agree with you, but I do this time.

There's a lot of 'She should behave the way I want' on here.

No wonder she's pulling away. No one gets to control anyone else.

My son and his partner stayed with us for 2 years before they decided to get a place of their own.From day one I expected her to treat this as her home ,I didn't expect her to ask permissionto get something from the fridge or when she could go to bed ..or even to let us know when she was going to bed.IF this young woman is to feel part of your family she must be treated as such..not just a guest who you see now and again and clearly dont like .She should have the freedom to act as she would in her own home .

For the record my sons GF gets on just fine with us ,she is very close to he r own family though so we dont see that much or her or our GD ...AND THATS FINE .We still get drop in visits from our son and his oldest daughter who lived with us for 10 years until the new baby arrived ...and decided new baby sister was better fun .