Very difficult DIL

My mum has decided differences of opinion are the reason we are estranged, because the real reasons we are estranged have been dismissed (thrown in the bin).

That is frustrating for you Starblaze at the very least and certainly "convenient" for your mum.

This is a genuine question ...do you
find therefore that "misunderstanding" is a trigger for you, seen as a passive aggressive way of saying "difference of opinion" or a method of covering up what is truly meant? I know that I have certain words that can trigger certain responses in me because of past experiences...not always very helpfully!!

No need to answer if you prefer not to ofcourse.

No Madgran my triggers are mostly physical or in proximinity. Someone being very angry and shouting near me, will instantly make me think I am at fault (for example).

I will generally state what I do not like as it happens. If people can't be understanding and not communicate with me in that way, or worse, ramp it up, then eventually I give up. what is the point in communicating with those who want to argue with me about what I mean, how I feel or dictate to me who I am as a person at all?

If people lie about past communication or deliberately misunderstand (refuse to listen to explanations) RED FLAG

Its exhausting, upsetting and rather soul destroying so it's best for me to quit explaining myself, chat with those I want to chat to and move on.

Not everyone has to like me and I don't have to like them. That's a lesson I have learnt the hard way.

Thankyou for replying Starblaze.

Someone being very angry and shouting near me, will instantly make me think I am at fault (for example).

Yes, I can empathise with that!

I don't read or use the word "misunderstand"/|"misunderstanding" as meaning "refuse to listen to explanations."

Isn't it interesting that what means one thing to one person means something different to someone else. No wonder communicating on forums is a minefield eh!!

Starblaze -- "If people can't be understanding and not communicate with me in that way, or worse, ramp it up, then eventually I give up. what is the point in communicating with those who want to argue with me about what I mean, how I feel or dictate to me who I am as a person at all?"

It's beyond frustrating and when people (like my 'mom') think they know what I am thinking/feeling etc. they almost never get 'it' right. So once someone miss-perceives You/how you are feeling THAT is the mentality they are now running on as reality.

Like, "You are so angry/hostile!" Me -- "No... I am quite calm." and then they'll push you to 'admit' that You are feeling the way they perceive/believe until You DO get angry. It's a common deflection tactic and it's made to make YOU into the "bad guy" and avoid the real issue -- probably something crappy THEY DID.

You are so angry/hostile!" Me -- "No... I am quite calm." and then they'll push you to 'admit' that You are feeling the way they perceive/believe until You DO get angry.

I recognise that one Holy Hannah ...experienced it and observed others doing it to someone.

Me too Madgran. Very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of and witness being done to others.

Holyhannah it's crazy making behaviour and when younger quite tempting to go crashing off the rails and just be who they say we are because what's the point in trying? I did it for a bit... Ended up in a bad way. Why? It's just not who I am.

Of course even as a married mother 20 odd years later with a finished education and a career (even if not a high flying, high paying one) I am not allowed to ever forget it and that is who I am told I am.

Because they cannot grow as people, or change or heal. Neither can we in their minds. Especially when they enjoy hurting us anyway.

All we can do is be very proud of each other instead