Security

Don’t be foolish you are a carer for him and he hasn’t a thought about you and the kindness you have shown him for years. You don’t say ur age but I imagine late 50s early 60s. We don’t get. Pension until age 66 have u any pension if your own. If he had pensions at least u would be entitled to half if u married him. This happens so often to Women be brave sort your life out I wish u the very best please let us know how u get on

Flamenco his behaviour doesnt suggest a lot of care or concern I'm afraid! What are you getting from this relationship that enhances your life?

Does he own everything, property etc? Do you have an income on your own right?

We have moved from leafy Bucks to fat North

I'm just wondering why as a grown woman you don't take responsibility for your own security?

So many people taking the trouble to write big thank you.

yes i was beginning to wonder if he is already married, or else he just does not want you to have a claim on anything; why else refuse to marry, when you want to, after so long.
there is an old saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

You are so right to try and address this now. This man has 2 properties, his house and his flat abroad and refuses to make provision for you should he die before you. A fair and reasonable man would discuss his will with you and give you a copy and not leave you in the dark like this. A nice man would want to make provision for his partner's future and know that she'll have a home in the event of his death.
What about his pension(s)? Has he told his provider he wants you named as his partner?
Why does he not marry you? Why is he withholding information from you? I wonder if he is already married?
Best wishes

I too know of this happening to someone I know who was with a man for years looked after him when he was very ill and then died. His sons were soon there to get the money from the house she got nothing after 20 years with him. Lucky her mum had left her some money years earlier and she bought a small house and worked . If not at 62 she would be homeless. They want someone to look after them in old age without a thought about when your left alone with nowhere to go. Start looking after yourself now let someone else look
After him. Be brave everyone is right think of yourself and your future now

Sorry Flamenco , I posted too early. I want to wish you all the best for the future, with him or without him.
Davidhs - I don't think they are married ...

He sounds unreasonable so one of your options is to divorce him now, after 11 yrs you should get a reasonable settlement, it will be less than half so dont expect the moon.

However, he cannot disinherit a spouse, even if he does not mention you in his will, you can challenge the will and claim maintenance. This of course will cost lawyers fees, but probably less than a divorce will cost, so to reassure yourself speak to a solicitor about a wife’s rights when her husband dies. Go to Citizens Rights Bureau first.

Best of luck

Flamenco, this has just happened to a dear friend. She had been living with her partner, for the past 8 years. She was 10 years older and naively thought he would outlive her and didn't see a need for legal documents. How wrong was she ! He died suddenly a few months ago. As someone upthread said, he obviously didn't care for her. In his Will, written just a couple of weeks before he died, he failed to mention her at all. Soon after his death, his family gave her a couple of hundred pounds to tide her over. She has now left the house they shared and is renting a small place. She trusted him to do the right thing by her. She is hoping to get Housing Benefit. She is 68 years old with no chance of gainful employment.

Far north of England or Scotland? It will make a big difference in legal terms. You have given up your way of life in the south, presumably moved far away from family and friends and helped to support your partner who is refusing to support you. What are you getting out of this relationship right now? Perhaps he is burying his head in the sand and ignoring his mortality. But I would not be happy with a vague promise and would be giving an ultimatum and planning my removal back south.

Does he own the house you live in? If so, would he agree to your becoming tenants-in-common? You don't to be married; a solicitor an arrange for the title to the property to be changed at the Land Registry and this will give you a 50% stake in your home.

I agree with Lucca insist on getting this sorted out so that you have some security or leave the far North and return to where you were happiest.
You are not being unreasonable, sometimes we just have to look after our own interests,

flamenco

Thank you for all the messages all very sensible. I haven’t lived in this area long. Miles from all friends and family, we moved as he was ill and wanted to be nearer family. I just cannot get used to it here. We have moved from leafy Bucks to fat North, too far from a lifetime in the south east.

What is the fat North ?! Seriously though if you have such differing views about whether to get married or not it does not sound like a great relationship.I would be inclined to insist On sorting out a will or pack it all in and go back to where you were happy.

I feel for you after 11 years refusing to discuss the future, warning bells sound for me, you have no security

I think you need to decide if you want to stay with this man with him calling all the shots or whether you want to go back to where you were happy.

Whatever you decide to do,I think you need to open a bank account and start putting money in it to finance a deposit on a rental flat and enough money for a couple of months living expenses while you sort things out.

This is an unequal partnership at the moment.Maybe tell him you are unhappy where you are living and see what his reaction is.I think this will give you your answer.

I wish you well?

I would never marry again but it doesn't mean I am waiting for something better to turn up. ? I know I've been lucky twice. But marriage? No. So I don't judge him for that.

But the financial legal side needs to be tied up. When we decided to move in together we got legal advice on all the possible scenarios.

If he won't do that he is just using you. Are you contributing to all the expenses of this house?

Perhaps some legal advice is in order, to help you understand what your entitlements are, after a partnership of many years.

My partner and I married 6 years ago, after living together for 36 years. We did so for legal and financial reasons (pensions, death in service grant, even the admin side of things etc). It made a lot of sense.

I think you are right to feel uneasy. Have you seen your partner’s will? You really need to be able to understand how the dispersal of his assets will happen. Without that knowledge, as a minimum, you cannot make your own plans and safeguard your own future.

If you can’t discuss marriage and property properly, it feels like there is quite an unequal dynamic happening in your relationship. I am sorry, this must be very difficult. ?

Is there any way you can get back to the place you felt happy?
This man doesn't care for you or he would make sure you had somewhere to live if he dies.
You need to look after yourself flamenco. You have done enough for him and he is being very selfish.

if the house was on fire would you feel warm.
or would you think you were imagining, exaggerating it.
you feel used because you are being used.
and have been for a long time.
what would happen if you moved out.
do you have resources to live elsewhere; would you get housing benefit.
maybe contact women's aid. they will know and advise.
he moved to be near his family. again, no thought or provision for you being uprooted.
let his family sort out his care needs.
you've done more than enough.
get your ducks in a row. research. dig your way to freedom.

Leave him

More messages thank you. I have always said if we married we would do pre nup so no danger to his family, still won’t give me one reason why not, find it very hurtful, I have taken good care of him through two big illnesses, gladly done but feeling very used. Now stuck miles away from all social network I had before, and hating city life after a country one.

You haven't stated whether he has children from a previous relationship, obviously they would have to be taken into consideration. Nevertheless, 11 years is a considerable amount of time to be sharing a life with someone.

Good luck I hope you manage to sort something out.

Could you ask him if he would agree to a civil partnership maybe? to ensure you have some financial stability if he were to predecease you;

Septimia Your comment about an aunt who could stay in your uncle’s house until her death. I heard about one such arrangement but the adult children fell on hard times and shamed the lady into moving into a tiny flat. So they got their hands on what they always thought of as theirs in the end. You deserve better than this.