Second marriage issues

Some thoughts...... I'm on medication that completely kills off my libido, and I mean kills it off totally and completely. I was happy to make love with my husband if he wanted /needed to, but he was aware that I never reached an orgasm, (i had a pretty responsive body prior to this), but I won't deny I gradually over time used avoidance techniques (early nights, late nights etc).

Over a period of time and enforced abstinence, my husband has now joined me in the loss of libido club, in fact in the last 4 years we have made love 5 times! Like you though this has transferred to non sexual physical contact too. We have talked about it though, and I now understand better. Neither of us miss sexual activity now, but the lack of non sexual closeness is wrapped up in a number of things:

For my husband the hand holding, stroking, cuddling etc were all a part and parcel of building up to sexual activity. With sex dying off they have too. He is happy to hold me just for comfort or to meet any sexual needs I have, but needs me to instigate that closeness. (He doesn't think about it).

Happy? No not really as I've realised that his need for sex with me met my need to feel desired even if I didn't really want to go anywhere with it. But libido wise its not an issue.

Will it change? With my husband being in his 70's, (I'm 58), unlikely to change.

Monogamy comes with problems.

The lack of affection to me would bother me more. I think you need to tell him, even if only by a letter if you feel he will not talk, that the lack of touch is affecting you greatly

My DH fairly suddenly turned away from sex, and anything like cuddles, hugs or kisses that may lead to sex. Turned out he developed diabetes. After years of metformin, sometimes insulin, we changed our eating habits to keto/low to medium carb. No more medications, both of us lost 10 kg, feel much healthier, and now have more energy.

Sadly this does happen, my husband lost interest in sex completely about 8 years ago, I was still in my late 30s however we have a fabulous life together and I love him dearly so I have to accept it, I would never want to leave him or be unfaithful.

I had the same thing with my partner. After 3 or 4 very highly sexed and fun years his sex drive suddenly disappeared. He wouldn’t talk about it, would brush me off, walk away, anything not to confront it. I spent many cold lonely nights just staring at his back and questioning myself. I grew my hair. Then I cut it. I went blonde. Then I returned to my natural colour. I gained weight.Then I lost weight. I changed my wardrobe style, changed it again, changed it again! I joined in his hobbies. Left him alone. You name it, I did it, I was going dizzy!
Sadly after 12 years, I found the cause. He was visiting prostitutes and I actually then found out that his first ever sexual experiences had been with ‘working women’ and when he had now found himself suffering with erectile disfunction he went to the ‘professionals’ so to speak. He was too embarrassed to let me know his ‘failing’, because he thought he would appear to be a lesser man in my eyes. He read me so very wrong, I wouldn’t have thought any less of him! It could have brought us closer but by the time I found out it was past the point of return. His unfaithfulness for so long (although he didn’t see it) was something I found unforgivable and although I loved him deeply I knew that staying with him would eat me up inside, make me bitter and twisted and leave me unable to love anyone. Viagra (amongst other things) proved to be the cheapest easiest and quickest solution finally for him and when he realised it was something so simple, he begged and pleaded for me to return but the trust had gone for me. If only he had just talked it through with me and we could have found this solution together we may never have had to part. I do hope this won’t be your experience but ED is more common than any of us would imagine and t can start at any time. It opened my eyes I can tell you!
Please please talk to him or I believe Relate do sex therapy ?
Good Luck
x

Are you sure he’s not seeing someone else? Mine went right off it, early 50s, and I blamed myself (I am 9 years older). He wouldn’t discuss it. Turned out there were other women. Took me too long to see it. We’re now separated.

Men are terrified of not being able to get an erection when it's "expected" so they avoid getting into the sort of situation (eg kissing passionately) where it might be expected. There is of course viagra etc but it seems unfair to have him risk his health just for the sake of performance. You're both actually quite young, so the "getting old" must be just his way of saying he's not getting aroused for whatever reason. He could offer to satisfy you without his penis, but you might not find that much fun if he's not getting anything from it. If shared sex is very important to you and since you're still both just in your 50s I think you'd be justified in looking for someone else - preferably being honest about it. I am no fan of secret affairs.

Everyone seems to be suggesting medical issues as the reason. They may well be right, but it strikes me that a lot of us loose the desire for sex if we are worried about anything.

Could there be some worries you are not aware of?

It can be dreadfully difficult to get a man to tell you if there are, but it is a possiblility.

Could he be worried about money, or feeling that he would like to retire, but realises that retirement is still some way off, or on the contary be dreading retirement?

Affection can be shown in so many ways, not just be kisses, cuddles or sex. Does he do things for you? Do you share hobbies, go for walks together?

Could a marriage consellor help?

I hope you find a solution that you both can live with.

I am 68 and my husband is 70. He had his prostate removed at 56 and that was the last time we had sex. We don’t now have any intimate contact. He sleeps on his side and I sleep on the other side. No kisses or cuddles. I don’t miss intercourse but so miss cuddles and physical contact. I’m aware intercourse can’t happen, due to the prostate removal. We did at first try viagra - and other medical suggestions without success. I just miss our closeness. He says he isn’t bothered. He’s an excellent husband and provider, but gone is the intimacy and hugs and kisses. I cry and feel so alone. He doesn’t want to talk about this - I have tried.

Our sex life was good until we were in our mid-50s. I put it down to my husband’s diabetes which I was told could lower the sex drive. So I just realised how lucky I was to still have a loving man, even if it was just a kiss and cuddle. However, then when he was 63 he told me that if all I wanted was a kiss and cuddle it wasn’t enough for him so he found someone else. What a blow when I was certain that his sex drive had lowered.

Pipely,
I had the same problem, my wife told me when i was in my 50s that she no longer wished to make love. My libido has always been there, even after my prostate was removed. She was plased as she thought her prayers had been answered so to speak. We are now in our 70 s and i would like to stiil make love but....... I have got various hobbies, which keeps me occupied. We have been married for over 50 years. We have talked about it over the years, time and time again. I was told by my doctor that anti depressants do suppress the libido, having taken them for some years, i can say they dont work for me. Still as they say cant complain, i am still above ground. Smile wink.

Oh my god I so wish
My partner expects sex EVERY bloody night and he's nearly 70,personaly I have zero interest but no option but to Co operate

Lots of good advise already given re- illness depression, impotence etc.
But please don’t rule out he could be getting his kicks somewhere else, it doesn’t have to be human contact either, if he has internet on his phone there is a whole world of pornographer videos he can access and contacts and chat rooms they are so easy to access. He’s young to have gone off any form of sexual activity.

The GP can do a testosterone level test. Very often that is the problem, testosterone level decrease with our menfolk in the same way of oestrogen falls off with women.
I have completely lost my libido along with any genital sensitivity which I didn't realise can be worked upon as it is related to pelvic floor issues. If your husband is on medication or is diabetic these can be a problem.
Affection and sex is usually intertwined with men so when one goes, so does the other. My husband has now lost his libido and it is the thing I miss most but have to accept that it isn't personal. If he's having an affair, I must be blind because we are rarely apart!

BBkay.
Of course you have an option and you don`t have to co-operate.
Just tell him you don`t want it as often as everyday.

Show him the Lovehoney website?

I lost my husband 16 years ago to prostate cancer. When I read your post I heard warning bells. Please please make sure he has his PSA checked as soon as possible.

I make a point of suggesting PSA tests to men of 40 and above and so far 2 have got back to me having received a positive test result. I “hand held” both of them through their treatment, advised brachytherapy and both have passed their 10 year checkups and are cancer free, fully functioning with no side effects.

If he loves you he can be persuaded to see his doctor. Good luck.

LovelyLady. Removal of the prostate does not equate with inability to have sex though sometimes that can be an unfortunate side effect. The main difference in before and after prostate removal sex is that there is less male ejaculate and orgasm may be delayed. (The latter being a benefit to the woman?)

Dibble Just remember draining the prostate is important to prevent cancer. Hope one of your hobbies is DIY.

Not all hubby's will sit down and discuss it, mine literally runs away and hides! I am 54 and he is in early 40's, I realise now that he is in fact ASEXUAL. I just did not recognise it when I first met him. We have only been married 5 yrs and he only reluctantly had sex for a couple of times just after we were married. It now explains why his first wife went off and had an affair as she was desperate to have a baby. I managed to corner him into a discussion about sex a few yrs ago and his actual words were "I will endeavour to make an effort and try to 'want' to have sex!" makes a girl feel really wanted! NOT! I do want sex because he feels it is a chore, I want him to want me! No affection, apart from he will pat me on the head like a dog. I have never felt so alone. He asked for separate bedrooms this past year. I am climbing the walls with frustration and have had 2 opportunities to have an affair but refused both times. I cry at the thought of never having sex again as I find it a tremendous stress relief and comfort. I have every sex toy going, but it is not the same, I am missing the intimacy. He will not go the Dr or discuss it. So sometimes sexy lingerie, BJ's, is he seeing working girls, affairs, viagra, etc is not the answer for every guy. If he is ASEXUAL he cannot help it, he literally has no sexual urges whatsoever, in fact he has often said to me he cannot understand it at all, it is all alien to them, like us saying do you not find that coffee cup sexy, it is the same concept. Mine is a lovely guy, genuine, hard working, honest, likeable. I did not realise that I would have to spend the rest of my life celibate with no love and affection when I married him, bitter pill to swallow!

Feel for you Piperly. In the same boat with my libido at age 70, the same as it always has been, good, and my husband at 64, not interested at all. At least you know others are in the same situation which I feel is comforting and I’m sure you do too.x

Following the excellent advice from Esspee, it’s worth noting that not all prostate issues relate to cancer. My present husband (of five years) suffered from the occasional inability to pee. When he finally consulted his GP, a PSA test reassured and a bladder and prostate scan revealed nothing sinister.

Medication failed to improve matters so, after several years, there was no option but surgery. This was conducted under local anaesthetic and was painless. Five years later and now 71, he has no difficulty with erection or libido and still achieves orgasm.

I hope this enables those with similar issues to recognise that medical intervention can be relatively painless and may yield worthwhile improvements to the quality of life, in and out of the bedroom.

@cookiemonster66 My mum’s second husband was never interested in sex. They divorced and afterwards their mutual friends asked her if she had known that he was gay. She didn’t. But she felt better about herself after that!

Ashcombe in regard to your post @13:15 today, I was diagnosed as having an enlarged prostate which was not cancerous in any way. I have been on medication treatment for four months now which has made an enormous difference in all areas of that department.

Be aware though prostate tests are very "uncomfortable" to say the least and the initial medication kills your libido completely. However the second stage of the medication remedies that to a great extent