This is my first post, so please be kind ?
Here goes....I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 30 years. I’m 63 now and he’s 73. He’s always disliked young children but accepted my two from my first marriage (they were 10 and 13 at the time). Life wasn’t easy and we had our fare share of problems, especially with my children. He was really horrible to them and when I think about it now my heart breaks. There were plenty of times when I thought I should leave him but back then, I loved him so I stayed, putting him first and my children second. Big mistake. I won’t go into that now though.
My two children are now happily married adults and I am the very proud granny of 4 beautiful grandchildren.
My husband still dislikes small children and when one of my AC visits with their 2DC my husband gets a mood on as soon as he knows they are coming. They do not visit often - maybe once or twice a year - and only for about 3 or 4 nights at a time, never longer. Whilst they are here he’ll go out all day and will only get back late and then he stays in our bedroom. He may say hello to my AC but he totally ignores the children. It’s always very strained when they are here. I will never have a family gathering because both my AC know what my husband is like and they don’t want to put their children through what they went through. They only visit because of me. I tend to visit them more and stay for a week or so here and there. We all live over a hundred miles from each other.
For a number of years my husband and I haven’t done things together like holidays or outings. There’s no romance in our lives and we’ve been celibate for about 20 years. We don’t have family gatherings (he doesn’t have any family) and we don’t have friends. We basically just live together and plod on.
There’s an impending visit on the horizon so today, I asked my husband to cut the metal rods that are poking through the wooden sleepers in our garden. They were used to stabilise sleepers into the ground. They are dangerous, poking up about 6 or 8 inches here and there, but we know where they are so are careful when we’re out in the garden. My grandchildren won’t know where they are. He said why should he pander to the children. If they get hurt it’s their fault. I then asked him how he would feel if one of the children fell and the rod went through their eye and would he like something like that on his conscience. He replied that he doesn’t care about the little f...er and if that happens the kid deserves it.
I couldn’t believe what I heard, my heart broke. I told him he was evil and that I went through loads of troubles with him with my children and put him first and I’m not going through it all again with my grandchildren.
I asked him to pack his bags and leave. I don’t want him here. How on earth do you make someone leave though? He’s still here. I’ve asked him twice to go. The house and car are in my name. We have a joint bank account. I said he can take the car and he can have the money but he must just go. He’s still here.
Could you forgive someone like my husband? I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of what he said. I have so many regrets. I should have left him years ago. I don’t love him. I don’t hate him. I just don’t want him here.
What would you do?
He has no legal right to be there. The house is in your name. Packs his things, call a locksmith and change the locks.
Any problems call the police. Get help from women's aid. His behaviour is abusive. Abuse is not just physical. Its emotional, mental and much more
Your in the fortunate position of the house being in your name
www.womensaid.org.uk/
Fight for your house, it took me 2 years but I got it.
I was your age too and now have a good man in my life who thinks the world of me. Things will get better, eventually Good luck
I'm in a similar situation but in a joint tenant council house and not enough money to rent private plus I love my house you have the chance to change things go for it I'm sure you won't have a moment of regret go through the courts and get him out.. Good luck
from past experience i will not go into firstly do not give him money,open a bank account in your own name and any money that is yours transfer from the joint account, if you tell the bank your marriage is breaking up they will do this quickly for you. do not give him the car its yours as is your home, and see a solicitor ASAP assets only become joint property if both parties have contributed financially to it have you a will leaving him the house or anything if yes get it changed , as you own the house i beleive you can give him written notice to leave and then change the locks once he is out and do not let him back in for any reason but first see a solicitor ,
First thing I would do is open up my own bank account and take half of the balance of the joint account out. Then seek legal advice without consulting him to make sure where you stand legally. Don't make him any offers of the car of the house etc until you have the correct advice. On the personal front he sounds like a mean old man who has always had his way and you are still young enough to have a happy life on your own. I'm 65 and hubby is 72, I've been his carer for nearly 43 years due to him having two brain tumours and now Lewy Body Dementia. I'm trapped and have no life of my own, I wish I had taken steps years ago before the dementia set in to sort out a new life for myself after arranging his care needs. I felt guilty so stayed but looking back you have to look after yourself too, you only have one life, live what's left of it xx
So sorry to read this, I would get legal advice, although things are in your name he may be legally entitled to some things, make a note of all the things that have happened as grounds for unreasonable behaviour, you are still young enough to start over, it sounds like your adult children would welcome this so I’m sure they will support you although there maybe some resentment that you didn’t do it for them, just be prepared for that. Even if things are more difficult financially without him the freedom you experience will be worth it, I am sure. Best wishes xx
When your AC visit and this nasty piece of work is hopefully out of the way I hope you have the courage to tell them all your worries and that you've asked/told him to leave. Is it possible that they could stay with you for longer than just a few days? Safety in numbers? If he felt outnumbered he might be more likely to co-operate.
I agree with others - get half the money out of the account and seek legal advice. Why give him any money or the car? He doesn't deserve such help. Good luck OP.
You deserve better!
You've tried hard to understand and placate him and he is acting like a spoilt child!
I havnt read all of the replies and you may have already explained more, but I wonder what else in your life, he controls
What are the next 20 years going to be like.
Set him
And yourself free and enjoy your life
Good luck xxxx
I agree you need legal advice.
You cannot really expect your husband to take it seriously that you have asked him to pack up and leave if you have never before complained about his behaviour or hinted that you might want a divorce.
However, that said, do go ahead with your plans for divorce, but sort out the legal position.
Cancel the visit from you family, go to them instead in a week or so, once you know where you are legally.
If by forgiving, you mean continuing to live with this man, then no, I don't think I could accept his attitude, but if you meant leaving him and trying to forgive his behaviour, yes I would try to do so, as holding on to a grudge or justifiable hurt feelings is only going to hurt you.
He sounds vile, sorry you have put with him for so long, stay strong
I admire your tolerance and the courage to have put up with such a self opinionated individual for so long.
You need professional advice if, either continuing to live with or leave as you cannot or should not have to put up with what appears to me as having been nothing short of a living hell.
oh Cuckooz don't delay - get legal advice, make sure that you secure your half share of any money in the bank account in a new account...and please don't waste any more of yours of your family's precious lives on this awful man. Do not leave your home unless your solicitor advises you to do so, as long as you are safe.
Your husband does not deserve you or your children and grandchildren - he has to go - and it may take legal action to enforce that. Goodness knows you must surely have enough cause given his unforgiveable attitude and behaviour.
Keep your children in the picture as you take action and don't let your husband frighten/blackmail you into capitulating. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your family without his nasty, unkind and unloving personality in yout life.
Get a workman in to see to the dangers in the garden, get the locks changed and pack his bags. I too am surprised that your children want to visit this horrible man. You are a saint for putting up with his selfish ways Cuckooz. It’s time for you to have some sort of a life with him not featuring anywhere in it. If the house is yours then get help and physically evict him. Good luck. You deserve some sort of happiness with your children and grandchildren.
Pippa22
Big mistake putting a man before your children. Any man that expects you to is not worth knowing and why have you given him so many years of your life ? That is much, much more than he deserves. To be so awful to and towards your grandchildren is unbelievable. Having had a truly lovely husband I just cannot imagine what life must be like with a nasty, vicious and unpleasant man or why you would ever have wanted to be with him, whilst making your children and now I expect your grandchildren unhappy. I could never have done that.
Pippa22 the OP wants advice not judgement.
Big mistake putting a man before your children. Any man that expects you to is not worth knowing and why have you given him so many years of your life ? That is much, much more than he deserves. To be so awful to and towards your grandchildren is unbelievable. Having had a truly lovely husband I just cannot imagine what life must be like with a nasty, vicious and unpleasant man or why you would ever have wanted to be with him, whilst making your children and now I expect your grandchildren unhappy. I could never have done that.
Can you get someone else to make your garden safe. Don't rely on the moody sod! Tell him to give you some space to host your family on your house. He could eff off for the day or week, the longer the better.. Then change the Locks.
Honest opinion , get yourself to a solicitor get advice and give him notice . I'd change the locks . Your still young enough to have a new life. It's never too late . All the very best
Lots of good advice on here.
I will say you are only 63, there are years of happiness ahead for you, your children and grandchildren.
Freedom lies ahead. Be strong.
This man is something of a monster with no regard for anyone other than himself. Whatever action you take, changing the locks, refusing to cook for him, etc., be prepared for things to get even worse once you do. Clearly, you need to consult a solicitor as soon as possible but do enlist the help of your children as you will need their support with any action you take. Don't allow any feelings of sympathy or sense of loyalty or duty toward this man seep into your decision and prevent you making changes. He has completely forfeited the right to any such feelings you may still hold for him. If you don't make the break, and show him the door, you may well be looking at many more years of misery ahead. It won't be an easy decision, but if you are strong there will be a time in the future when you will look back and heave a huge sigh of relief to have 'unloaded' this pretty horrible individual. That'll be the time you take those positive steps into your future. I hope it's a happier one for you.
Shazmo, Sole ownership means nothing in England,marriage changes all of that,he can't legally be locked out of his home.
I think there has been a recent change in Divorce Reasons in England which mean you no longer need to cite Unreasonable behaviour and Break Down of Marriage is sufficient ?
As I said previously Wikivorce is very helpful to go to for advice,costs nothing,and gives support and Professional advice too.
Why stay with such a horrible man? Get some legal advice as soon as you can, life can be so much better.
Get legal advice as soon as possible he won't change its not too late for you like you my heart breaks when I look back at what my ex put our children through two who I brought to the marriage and one who we had together please be strong it's too late for your AC but think of your GC and how it is still possible to have a peaceful and loving family life for yourself and how wonderful it will be to welcome them into your home when he isn't there he sounds like a cruel and selfish man so probably won't make it easy for you to move on without him but one day at a time and let your AC know what's happening so they can support you
Pack his belongings and get the police to eject him and change the locks and have nothing else to do with him .. he’s a purely nasty selfish man...
I haven't got anything to say that has already been said or advised but I do have to say what a nasty piece of work he sounds. Just like my Father.
So sorry
Hope this may help;
1. Get a lodger. This will help protect you in case he turns even nastier, and
2. If you do decide to transfer your money to a new account, make sure he cannot access your phone or computer - change the
Passwords.
Best wishes.
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