Adopted children finding birth mothers.

A few years back I was contacted by someone through a genealogy site who had identified me as being related to their birth family and turned out to be an unknown cousin. I then had to explain to my cousin that she had a sibling she was unaware of. It was a very challenging time for her and her other siblings and most were very upset. Their mother had died some years earlier which I think was for the best. As I was the only family member in the same country as unknown cousin, I sort of provided a link I suppose and for sometime their family and mine were close and as other posters have said it was rather disconcerting to see characteristics of our mutual grandparents and their birth mother in this person who I had only just met. Sadly, there was a falling out between us and we now just exchange Christmas cards.

I was adopted in the 50s by the most wonderful parents you could imagine. As others have mentioned, as I got older and had my own family, I felt I needed to know where I had come from. I got hold of my original birth certificate and was surprised that my birth mother was an older mum. In the midst of my search, I received a phone call from a man who said he was my brother and was aware of my search. He explained that my birth mother was dead but I had three older brothers, one of which had also died. He also gave me details of extended family and grandparents. My birth mother had kept 2 of her children but had the other 2 adopted. To cut a long story short, I have been in touch with my brother who was adopted and we have a lovely relationship. I am also in contact with cousins. Sadly, the brother who phoned me died before we had a chance to meet. My search was full of highs and lows but I'm so glad I did it. Lovely to see family resemblances. I was so lucky to have such wonderful adoptive parents and they will always be my mum and dad.

My niece, 16 years younger than me, was given documents when she reached a certain age. She didn’t do anything for some years. Eventually she started to investigate but, by then, my sister....her birth mother.....had died. Tracking further she found my sister’s first husband and, eventually me. She has been in our lives since then. She even lived with us for three years. Now married and lives in the next town. She found she had three half brothers, an aunt and uncle. My mother didn’t really want anything to do with her. I believe that may be a guilt thing. Even though my niece was put for adoption before the age of one she has many actions and reactions similar to my sister.

I have 2 cousins that were adopted - both fully aware as they always had 2 celebrations - one for their actual birthday and another the day they were adopted.
When they both turned 21, they were both given the option of looking for their birth parents. 1 of them said he had no wish to as he regarded his adoptive parents as the only ones, the other said "Why should I? They didn't want me!" . Both were given files with all the info in, just in case they changed their minds
Year later, both adoptive parents had died. Unfortunately there was a big fall out between the two over the estate of their father .
My female cousin decided to look for her birth mother after all and actually found that she was part of a much larger family. She cut off all contact with her adoptive families relations that she had grown up with as well as her adopted brother.
I only found that out when I found her on facebook - I lost contact with her after her first marriage broke down - after I was in contact with her for about 6 months, I got an email from her where she stated that she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me or any of the rest of my family as I was no longer anything else to do with her family anymore - she had a family and us "borrowed family members" were no longer wanted or needed!

I have an adopted cousin who is rather strange and very few of the family like him. His adoptive parents were wonderful to him, and he was happy, but when he was about 18 he successfully tracked down his birth mother. She travelled to his home to meet him and his parents. Unfortunately the meeting did not go well and my cousin and his birth mother never met again.

i was adopted at birth in 1942. I did trace my birth family tho never met my mother as she died at an early age. I did however find a half sister and 2 half brothers. one I did not get to meet as he lived abroad and died from cancer several years ago, I did meet the other brother and my sister. My daughter said how strange it was to see people with a family resemblance.

I found my birth mother in my teens.
We were good friends until she died.

I always knew i was adopted and said that i would never search for my birth mother but when my son was very ill at about 17 years of age i went to the Birmingham library as had got a copy of my original birth certificate, found her went and met who told me medical history etc. and she was a lovely lady but her husband who she went onto have 2 more daughters with said that he was only concerned with his own 2 children and that the past was the past, but i understood why she did what she did as my father being American left her and her parents had kicked her out and she couldnt survive in a one room and would have had to give up her job then, but maybe when both my parents have died i may search for the 2 half sisters i have who i know live in the Wiltshire area. My son says i should, whereas my daughter is against it saying her grandma and grandad are her real grandparents at the end of the day and they brought me up through thick and thin with what they could afford so its something for the future, but she didnt trace me through that system that is mentioned on one or two of the comments, and my son needed urgent surgery to remove glands from his neck as his calcium level was very high and it was called hyper-parathoyridism (think thats right) which has bearing on the kidneys and so found out also that here was no history of any cancers. But i would have liked to continue a relationship with her as she seemed nice enough. Oh well. Life.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

great contribution flamenco, thanks.

I was very interested to read all the letters posted. I was adopted and had the most amazing parents. I always knew I had been adopted and of course wondered about my origins. When my parents died, I got my original birth certificate, I was helped by Norcap ro find my birth mother, she was found but didn’t want to meet mr, she was then an old lady and I understood her reasoning, but I found a wonderful brother and we get on so well. I would just say be prepared for some rejections along the way. But knowing ones origins is very good.

I am glad to hear that annsixty.
One of my DH cousins was adopted and she is a vital part of that family.
The couple had a son but couldn't have more DC so they adopted her, a baby girl, a Polish orphan.
Thousands of Polish troops were in Scotland during and after world war 2, when the Poles had defended Britain from a possible Nazi invasion, and there were many marriages and liaisons between Scots women and Polish soldiers and I presume she, for whatever reason, couldn't be cared for by her birth parents.

For many years now, it's been rare for a mother to ask for her baby to be adopted. Those young mothers in the 1950 and 60's probably rarely asked for their babies to be adopted. They were often cajoled by their own parents or societies disapproval of unmarried mothers, to give up their baby. It was seen as a new start for the mother and the baby. Adoptive parents were given little information about birth parents. There was usually a lack of medical history of birth parents as well.
Over the past 30 years and more, the majority of children placed for adoption have been removed from their birth parents because of neglect or abuse. Adoptive parents should be provided with medical and social histories so they can help their children develop age appropriate understanding of their family history.
A need to know where we came from is part of being human. Sometimes it works out well, other times less so, as comments on this thread demonstrate.

I had known I was adopted from and early age and traced my birth Mother 15 years ago. I has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and has opened my eyes fully to all the lies my adopted Mother had told.
We have a wonderful relationship and my DGS calls her Granny ***

Yes I have my daughter 'found me' about 15 years ago and introduced me to three delightful grandchildren I didn't know I had. We all get on fine. I would say close but more like friends.

My cousin, spoken about upthread was very much loved by all I was about 16 years older but we still have a very good relationship.
Her adoptive mother, my aunt in law, had a very close family and her cousins on that side, being much closer in age and geographically are very very close to her.
I feel this has always made up for her with her birth mother.
Well I really hope so, she is very grounded and a wonderful mother to her 4 children and a very loved gran to her GC.

My nephews traced their birth mothers quite recently, after they became parents themselves. One didn't strike up a relationship but he met a half sister and they are still in touch. He was glad to see what she, bm, looked like and how he got the colouring he did etc.
The other one hasn't yet met his bm but has spoken to her on the phone. I think he will be satisfied with that.
Both boys have always known they were adopted ( and much loved)

Sodapop - it was much earlier when adopted adults could search for their birth family but it was 2005 when birth parents could search for their adopted adult children. The children can search independently but the parents have to go through social services or other official bodies.

I thought it was long before that Missfoodlove I was given details and had counselling from Social Services in the 1990s.

My husband and his birth mother were two of the first people reunited after a law was passed in 2005 allowing birth parents to trace their children.

It was an interesting journey!

Perhaps for some it just that they need to know their generic roots. I am sure that the relationship with the family that raised them are looked on as true family. I feel sorry for those women in the 50 and 60 whose family didn’t support their young daughters when pregnant and forced them into having their child adopted, at the time it was practically impossible to raise a child without family support. Different and hard times for a lot of girls and it must have traumatised them having their babies taken.

Relative of OH turned up. Nobody had known about this girl.

Biological mother didn't want to meet her

All families and reactions will be different

I met up with my birth mother, it started out well but later resulted in my being blamed for all her life problems. Like rafichagran I didn't let it affect me too much. I had a good life with my adoptive parents and knew from being very young that I was adopted.
I have never had contact with my biological father.

For some people it can work out wicklowwinnie but don't expect too much.

I did, she was quite easy to trace. We spoke on the phone, had nothing in common and never spoke again.
I do not feel hard alone by. In fact I dont feel anything

I would love to meet my older sister but if she does decide to trace us, she will find my mum first and I'm estranged from her. So likely we will never meet.