DH goes off table hopping at weddings etc

Some posters try to make it so black and white ‘’Don’t go then’ or ‘walk round and talk to people yourself’
I so understand Kestrel I had it for 12 years Anything we went to, from a party to a ‘do’ I would get sat down given a drink and dumped, if it was a house party I wouldnt know where he was in the rooms or garden I was very shy and self conscious and would hate it ...lif a chap came and spoke to me and he saw I was accused of flirting or cheating he would even disappear to give someone (always a female) a lift home without telling me
Anyway that wasnot the only reason he became an ex but fitted in there somewhere

My husband always does this so much so I could have written the post ! We’ve also been married a ling time 38 years so it’s not affected our marriage! I just look for the person I know the best in the room and plonk myself on that table since I’m not really a social butterfly. It’s slightly annoying but nothing more . Really I see it as more a fault of mine that I don’t mingle more than an error on his part .

If you are not a sociable person then why go to events?

I doubt your husband fully enjoys his time as he knows you are unhappy and are going to complain about him being sociable.

It's all very well, those of you saying, 'Talk, circulate!' But not all of us are good at that. I'm not. I hate it and I'm bad at it even when I try. It's called social anxiety.

My bloke is VERY outgoing and loves talking to anyone. I get more and more anxious in that environment, and eventually cramp his style and stop him enjoying himself fully. It's why we compromise. Sometimes he goes alone. If it's an event where I'm expected/needed to be, I go but leave once I've had enough.

He gets his frantic social whirl and I get my own space and peace and quiet.

You can't hold everyone to the same standards.

Oh why oh why does disagreeing have to amount to “baiting newbies” ?
I am with those who think family occasions are an opportunity to develop relationships and perhaps even make friends in your own right. My DH’s family were (are?) my family by extension and I would agree that to go to any social event and only talk to the person you went with sounds like a waste of time .
Wait until you have to go to “his” family’s events on your own because circumstances have changed . Or do I stay at home alone?
I am deep down a shy person but recognise that there are times when you have to pin a smile on your face and make friendly polite conversation.
Your DH sounds like a friendly man who finds it easy to circulate , you have chosen not to , but so often what goes around comes around, ie if you hold back, people may see you as stand offish and not bother either.
A hard one , but please don’t think anybody is being deliberately controversial or provocative, just saying it the way they see it.

I’m another who completely agrees with you paddyann!
?

Are you trying to be provocative grandtanteJE65? As I explained above I do go round socialising/chatting to new people (esp others on their own) etc etc. Part of the problem is that others do stay chatting with their partners at their table. I do not. This was my first post as a newbie - thanks to those who replied constructively. Have noticed other newbies being baited - what is wrong with people?

Give the poor man a break! His wife obviously makes no effort to make small talk at these occasions.

Why do you attend them if you are not going to try to talk to others?

No-one attends a funeral, wedding or any other event and talks solely to their spouse!

Thanks @Baggs and @jeanie99 - I have decided to limit it to essential functions - and then I might get a migraine at the last minute and not be able to go lol

No why would you, find something interesting to do on his family events.
To be honest if my husband behaved like that I wouldn't be very happy I consider it extremely rude and no consideration for how you feel said on your own.

I'd stop going to these contrived functions if I were you, kestrel.

Thanks for comments - good to get some points of view. @GagaJo I think we feel the same way - thanks for your comment. I'm probably an introvert - I love small gatherings - my bookclub, choir and walking group but flounder a bit in large gatherings with people I don't know too well (getting better at it over the years tho). @Lemongrove - I think it's a big attempt to get to know his rellies at these things. They can be a grumpy lot tho and it's usually him who contacts them between events.

I don’t go to parties anymore if I can help it. They’re never fun for me. Sometimes I’ll go with him but then leave earlier and let him carouse until the wee hours.

Well, he sounds a lovely sociable chap! A bit like myself and my DH except I am the more sociable one. In the same situation (ie me wanting to catch up with rarely seen relatives of mine) I tend to wait until DH gets into conversation with someone and then I pop off for a while. I do keep an eye on him to make sure he is alright, though, and if he was sitting on his own I would wave him over and introduce him to whoever I was talking to.

I don’t think it’s right for him to leave you for long periods of time at functions.His relatives hardly sound to be over friendly anyway, either to him or you.
I would say that you will go, but only on the understanding that he doesn’t leave you high and dry for very long.Then try and have a word or two with others there, if they don’t seem to want your conversation, then at least you will have tried.
In the end, it’s your choice to attend or not, if it’s making you anxious.

Isn’t it called “circulating” ?

Well his wings should be clipped for the foreseeable future!

I do go over and speak to people on my own, including people I've never met before, people who are on their own, people I've chatted to before at similar events etc etc. Its interesting but exhausting after a while. Just wondered what other people's experiences were - everyone has different ideas about what 's acceptable at social functions I know

Why not stay at home if that's what youwant. He is doing what he wants which is absolutely fine, you get to choose what you want to do too.

Surely only approximately half the guests can be relatives of your dh’s? Why not go and talk to the guests who are from the other side of the happy couple?

You could go round the room with him and make him introduce you. Join in the conversation.

In a shock new development, I agree with paddyann. These events offer the opportunity to meet new people. Chances are that people will be welcoming and friendly and glad to speak to you.
My DH is very good at 'working the room'. If he meets anyone he thinks would be interesting for me to speak to he brings them over. On my part, I look out for people on their own and go and chat to them. At smaller events it's a good opener to be the one handing round the snacks etc. That way you have a reason to talk to people but also an excuse to move on if necessary.
I'm actually less sociable these days somehow but I enjoy people watching and am not shy sitting on my own.

I would say blow you if you can’t be bothered to be with me for at least three quarters of the time I’m not going to come with you, surely he can speak to people when he’s on the way to the loo or going to the bar, he doesn’t need to leave you sitting there on your own for so long.

Most people at these functions do sit glued to 'their' table in their pairs - hence why he goes round to chat - his sister does the same. I have made the effort to get to know many of his relatives and I do approach them and chat, keep up with them on fb etc but it all seems to fall flat fairly quickly and they turn back to their spouse and I'm left floundering . I have spoken to him about it - he says he wants to go off and chat by himself and not be tied down by having me go round with him (!) but on the other hand he insists that he'd like me to attend functions with him, it would look odd if I didn't go etc etc. Social anxiety has worsened with menopause so may all be in my head

Well, it obviously won’t be a problem at the moment.

You’re unlikely to be able to change your dh’s behaviour after all this time but you can change yours. Make more of an effort to chat to other people. Ime there are often people sitting alone at tables, certainly not everyone is sitting as couples. Be prepared with some chat eg introduce yourself and ask them how they know the couple eg relative/friend etc. If you find it’s slim pickings, say farewell and move on!

I’m not a naturally gregarious person and have had to come up with this strategy by means of experience over the years but it’s nice to end the day knowing you’ve got to know some other people, even if you never see them again.

Don’t suppose you are going to many weddings or funerals at the moment anyhow.