Divorcing my husband of 21 years

SuzLee I really feel for you, 21yrs is a long time and yes you tried but forever felt alone but it is now time to move on and start your own journey. I would suggest you read 'Stop walking on eggshells' and I hate you don't leave me'. I believe there you will find your answers, and would be interested to hear you thoughts after you have read them. Also in answer to Hithere when ask you wonder what kept Suzylee in the relationship so long its a combination of the cohesive control, intermittent reinforcement and the fear, obligation and guilt. I wish you luck on your journey which hopefully will bring you some level of understanding and certainly so personal growth.

Please take care lovely lady.?

OP
I wonder what kept you for so long in this bad relationship when you had such a good one with your first husband.

Sounds as if you have had a rough 21 year ride which begs the next question - how many more years do you want to live in a very unhappy marriage? Life is too short. There is someone out there who is waiting to love and respect you and you will find him, but not if you stay married.

You have given him plenty of your life now please move on without him. You deserve a life so get the divorce and no giving in to him.

Suzy Lee sending you much love.
Believe in yourself and keep reminding yourself how strong you are - even if it becomes a mantra “I am strong...... I am amazing....... I have survived so much”
All the lovely memories are yours to keep forever - but shouldn’t pin you down and stop you moving on.
I am in awe of how much you have dealt with already - and you did that because you love!
Good luck for the future you deserve ??

You never had a real marriage with him- just a legal one.
He was never a husband.
Not even a roommate or flatmate would behave like that.
You are his cash cow and he doesnt want to stop mooching.

If I were you, I would be in therapy to find out why I put up with it for so many years and why I wanted to go back to him.

You deserve better but you have to realize that.

RUN

Not to put to fine a point on it - he's absolutely bonkers. Unlike you. You are well out of it but obviously it will take a little time to adjust.

Give yourself time, please.

Whatever you decide to do - please don't go back to what is basically an abusive relationship with a master manipulator.

Thank you, when I see all your comments and indeed my own post I know that you are right.
I just remember this or that and think I must be making this all up. For the past 5 years I have been the only wage earner as he has moved twice because of my career.- so although I do sound weak I do have a responsible job - but he has made it so hard doing what I do, it’s like I’ve been carrying him, trying to make him feel important etc. So he now has nothing (in a few months he will have some money when we have both agreed on the amount etc). He says I have ruined his life, and will destroy him. I didn’t ever expect to be in this position. I appreciate all your replies and will try to stay strong.

He let his parents control him after his marriage; and he chose to do what they say, as a compromise over being disinherited. Vows of silence are for Carthusian monks, not husbands - they encouraged him to be cruel to you, because communication is an integral part of marriage. So he wants to eat his cake and have it, which is actually possible if he manipulates you - he gets you, and he inheritance, if you decide you "are worthy of him". And who's to say whether his parents will think up some new trick, like, for example, telling him that you have been seen with another man?

SuzyLea, thanks for getting back to let us know that you are ok.
whenever you feel blue, or low, or just bored, come and talk to us.
and you have achieved something very rare on GN board: near unanimity. we are all singing the same hymn from the same book. may you flourish as the green bay tree.

There is sadly a term for what he is doing now. It is called "hoovering", when manipulative/controlling people (which sadly, he is) find themselves in a situation where their "supply" (you) are no longer around so they try to "Hoover " you back again by being lovely to you, possibly promising to change for good, saying they can't live without you, etc rtc. This is a ploy to get you back, so they can continue to control (as they are empty inside and need to control others to validate their existence). It is not to be confused with love. If you give in now, you are setting yourself up for repeat after repeat of this unhealthy, toxic cycle. I urge you to look on Facebook to Melanie Tonia Evans who posts videos daily, and runs free seminars called NARP (narcissistic abuse recovery programmes). She was once in your position and became seriously, physically ill through the stress of it all. She recovered and pulled away from her abusive partner (what he is doing is mentally abusive) but only by making clear, unbreakable boundaries that you have to promise to yourself to keep. Please look her up. Good luck.

Dear Suzylee you have lived in a difficult marriage for twenty years with a man who has mental health problems. He will not change. You have also been widowed, possibly quite young, which is so sad. Going back to that man will stop you moving forward with your life. You deserve better and life will get better. Please keep strong and look after yourself, especially during this lockdown period.

Thank you all for your advice, I am living on my own and have been since mid January. I have secured my doors and have security cameras. My ex has never been violent but just never seemed present in our marriage in many ways and I had no idea until we went for marriage counselling that he had these grudges against me, and that he had held them nearly all our married life. He also would appear to everyone as the life and soul of the party, easygoing and fun. but at home I noticed if he was upset with anyone this simmering anger would be there, accusing them of an almost personal vendetta against him.
We are both practicing Christians which is why the accusation of being possessed by an evil spirit hurt so much.
I realise that because of lockdown I am lonely and although I work from home I still have time to dwell on things.
Thank you all again you have helped me as I was on the brink of thinking about going back to him.
Ps my username is slightly different as after I posted here the second time I felt that I shouldn’t have done this so I unregistered
and it wouldn’t let me have suzylee

SuzyLee, from one who has been there divorcing him is the right thing to do. My ex constantly brought up trivial things from the past to justify all manner of bad behaviour, stuff like you've mentioned, even after we were separated, if they have that sort of stuff stuck in their head for so many years they will never get it out of their head, unless of course they think of something else to beat you with. There's spiritual abuse there too, and do not discuss anything about the bible with him, if the Bible meant anything to him he would not have behaved like he has done. As others have suggested write down a list of what he's done over the years, keep adding to it when you remember things so if at any point he is nice and you think we'll maybe it's not too bad, read it and remind yourself that yes it was.
Mine went odd towards the end, and then only then, when he was caught acting weirdly at work, "did he go and see a counsellor, and lied to him, he'd managed to control himself round other people for years, and I bet your stbx likewise behaved normally too. Mine also confessed to things he'd done and I had absolutely no knowledge of, I wonder if something is happening in your stbxs life, you are indubitably better off without whatever it is in your life. It can do a lot of good to talk about your experiences, I had some counselling also I did the freedom programme which was a great help
I hope you manage to get your divorce as soon as possible, even if he drags his feet your solicitor will help move things along

Inishowen, I was thinking along the same lines as you, Coronation Street has really opened up my eyes into how controlling a person can be, nice and loving one minute and then the next so horrible and blaming the other half of the relationship for everything bad that is happening. It is hard to watch, but to be in that kind of daily living must be terrible. I hope that things work out for you SuzyLee and that you get away as soon as possible from this person who is making your life a misery. Good Luck xx

stay away from him Divorce IS the right thing for you

It sounds like you’re in love with what might have been. When trying to make my mind up about something big I get a piece of paper and write the pros and cons in two columns . See which one is longer. I suspect it will be the one which tells you to run from this man and don’t look back . If even your counsellor has told you he is unstable, then take her at her word!

I am worrying for you SuzyLee, reading these posts, and you haven`t come back and told us that you are secure now, that you have left him for good, and you have contacted a good solicitor and started proceedings..

I am just hoping and praying that you have told a good solicitor of his behaviour... and keep away from your husband

Please?

When someone is having a psychotic episode they also hear voices.
And you believe what they say to you,as there your best friend!
They are mostly manipulating,and the devil!

I strongly suggest you stay where you are,DO NOT be alone with him under any circumstances.

Has he suffered mental health problems before this episode?

It's strange what we can put up with for years isn't it? The relationship you describe sounds like a marriage in legal terms only. For me marriage is about warmth, love, companionship, understanding and forgiving each others' shortcomings, talking to each other about everything and anything, helping each other and a happy sexual relationship. Why on earth would you go back to a relationship you describe that did not seem to contain any of those characteristics? Surely it's better off to be alone, but independent, than lonely and miserable in a travesty of a marriage. Your 'husband' does sound mentally ill, in need of professional help and very, very manipulative. His parents sound like a nasty couple of freaky manipulators themselves.
As other posters here have said keep going with the divorce, look forward not backward. In a few years' time (or sooner) you'll look back and know you are happier, better off mentally yourself and that you did the right thing to finally be able to get out of a travesty of a marriage. Stay strong and run for the hills!

This is definitely coercive control. I would personally walk and keep on walking. I have a very good friend who has been through a coercive relationship and it was awful to watch what she went through and what he did but eventually she contacted the Police got some very good advice and eventually he left. Like your Husband he can turn on the charm, offer to help with decorating and the garden and picks the moment when she is at a low ebb but she has resisted as we have to keep reminding her how bad it was, and she finally admitted she is scared of him. I appreciate it is so hard to walk away and it is our nature to try and see the good in people but this man sounds extremely ill and you must think of your own well being and safety.

SuzyLee, have you changed the locks on your doors? If not, do so now.

It sounds to me as if your husband has serious mental problems and might well become violent if you let him into the house.

However good the memories are, please do not go back to this man. He has forced you to live an unatural life for 21 years - get out while the going is good.

I wanted to just say that it is highly unusual for a Counsellor to suggest that there are mental health issues and you need to distance yourself. If that were me I would be taking that very seriously because they wouldn't have said such a thing without being very concerned about your safety.
Disregard what he is saying about his reasons for being the way he was because, even if they were true, he has not been honest about his feelings and given you a chance to make things right.
Of course you are upset. It is hard enough to deal with the breakup of a relationship without the added stress of someone who is mentally ill. The only thing you can do is encourage him to get help...from a distance.
I can only urge you to have as little contact as you can and to ensure that you do not allow him to visit you in person. Take any threats or 'stalking' very seriously and maybe talk to the police about your concerns about his mental health so that they can flag your address if you ever need help.