Porn

We all find reasons to justify enjoying things that we know are fundamentally wrong. We wear cheap clothes from supermarkets knowing they will have been produced in sweatshops; we drink tea knowing that the pickers are probably paid a pittance. Exploitation is part of what fuels production and consumption.

But none of these many things strike at the heart of the central relationships in human society that are the glue that holds it together.

There is a difference between these things and directly buying items to watch people being exploited.

To dissociate sexual relationships from loving considerate relationships is damaging to everyone, especially the young.

There is exploitation of women in particular in the porn industry that cannot be ignored. For every well paid apparently well-balanced porn star there are dozens of exploited vulnerable women.

I was a social worker and know the sort of challenging upbringings that these women have suffered, and how vulnerable they are to exploitation. And human trafficking plays a part in this "industry."

I would find it extremely hard to justify a few moments pleasure for me against the suffering of those who find themselves forced to take part.

Thankyou Carly, that's a much more comprehensive explanation than I gave.

Yes, there are some highly paid porn stars. But as someone who worked in social work, I can tell you that they are the very rare exception, and that most are from vulnerable backgrounds, who have often been in care; they may have been sexually abused as children or at least beaten/neglected; they are "groomed" by vile individuals who just see the chance of making money from them. Most are on drugs - even if it's strong painkillers - just to get through the "performance" - and when they're not "fresh" enough to be wanted anymore (if they survive it all) then their "boyfriend" often puts them on the streets to make more money for him there. The most heartbreaking young woman I ever met was one in her 20's who had already had 4 babies taken into care (she was a heroin addict); and had been making porn since she was 8. The glossy films and highly paid porn stars are only lauded because they're the "respectable" veneer on a truly squalid, dangerous and vile "industry".

Interesting that he doesn't like you initiating sex? Porn is about control - men can lie back and enjoy watching what's going on, when they want it and in the form that they want it, without actually having to DO anything about it. There IS research that suggests that overdoing it on Porn can affect men's sex drives (the receptors in the brain get overwhelmed by the chemical reaction to the intensity of what they're watching and their body's response, so that the brain kills off some of the receptors, in order to keep the reaction under control - this is why men get habituated to milder porn and need more hard core stuff to turn them on as porn use increases). So "ordinary" sex can become a struggle as they try to get turned on by that - with fewer receptors in the brain to respond. As for your dilemma - I think I would demand to see what he's watching to make sure it's not violent / demeaning or involved under age people. If it's fairly soft porn, then you need to decide whether or not you can live with it. If it's hard stuff, then I would be asking for a divorce. Good luck.

You will find that some of the young girls that perform in these porn films come from being sexually abused when younger and do not see sex in the same light as someone who was brought up in a loving environment.

I will just leave that here.

My late husband watched porn and bought girlie magazines too. A computer man told me that he sees that porn sites have been viewed in nearly every house he's visited.

I perceived it the same way as men watch football . . . some like it, some don't. It really didn't bother me to any degree.

my feelings/opinion

porn abuses other people, both men and women, I should say the production of porn abuses....

not for me thank you

PS I may say my own ex husband declared the be all and end all of a sexual encounter was for the man to penetrate the woman.

Smedley's Wife, nobody can do sex like porn stars so please do not set yourself up for failure. Your curvy body is absolutely good enough.

If you or your husband have doubts about enjoying sex enough, ask a sex therapist rather than porn films. Have you asked your husband what he would like to do? If so is what he would like to do something you would like to do?

I think Maria Miller was launching a commission into the effects of porn on young people, because of the concerns being expressed and the issues being presented to the health service. Not sure where that got to. As long as some people earn money from it who cares about the damage it does.

Luckygirl's post shows how porn is not true to real life. Few people are as sexually energetic or as beautiful as typical porn stars. I do hope schools are addressing the problems of porn influencing young minds with unbalanced ideas about sexual relationships.

I have to agree with vampirequeen that when it comes to wages and conditions the porn industry is the only business were women can leave men standing. ??

Vampire Queen makes a good point. She is right but only when the porn user also knows what is and is not true to real life.

For instance if a child watched nothing but old Wild West film plays she would have a skewed notion of American history.
Role playing is good only when the players know they are role playing.

In the past he has laughed at my attempts to seduce him so I don’t
He actually sounds quite unpleasant and not someone whose porn use is likely to improve their relationship.

themes

Porn informs about sex, including the anatomy and physiology of sex. However porn's lack and great disadvantage and potential for harm is it is unbalance about the psychology of sex. Porn is biased towards interpersonal control, even to the extent of rape of smaller persons and animals.

The harm porn does therefore outweighs its benefits. The harm porn does compares with the harm done to gullible people by stories that portray _ themes _that are not true.

I'm not suggesting that she pretends. I'm suggesting that she looks at it and if she likes it then great. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to watch it again. But at the end of the day, watching porn doesn't mean that her husband doesn't love/want her no more than watching horror movies or action movies does.

Okay, vq. Even if you are right that porn is harmless entertainment (which I don't think it is nowadays) smedleyswife does not have to pretend that she's okay with it, if she isn't.

If she regards her husband differently because of his porn use, that is entirely up to her.

I'm not being trendy. I enjoy watching porn.

Some of the best paid actresses are porn stars and it's one of the few, if not the only industry, where women regularly earn more money than men.

All industries have their bad side. How many women and children are abused in the domestic industry? How many find themselves working in fields and sweatshops?

Porn is fantasy. It's no more real than any Hollywood blockbuster. We can't all look like Angelina Jolie and most men can't look like Jason Statham. We all know that it's make believe. Porn is the same. You may not like the activity that is being portrayed but that doesn't mean that it doesn't take place within a normal loving relationship in real life. Everyone enjoys sex in a different way. Some like basic missionary position sex and others like to swing from the chandeliers.

It's not trendy to enjoy/accept different versions of the sex act. It's just human nature to enjoy things in different ways. We're not all the same.

As far as I can remember the issue is with the 20 - 30 year age group.
Also the fantasy as someone mentioned frequently involves the degrading treatment of women. There isn't a great deal of choking women for enjoyment in downtown abbey.

It is interesting that 2 of the posters who have this problem with their partners have felt the need to say that they try and look nice and look after themselves etc. This is just one of the things that is wrong about porn - it makes women feel that they are failing in some way or do not come up to scratch. That is very destructive indeed.

It also sets up expectations in men - particularly young men - that leads some girls into feeling they have to do things they do not want to do.

The secrecy element is also destructive to relationships.

Those who trendily say why not watch it with him are glossing over the exploitation of women involved in the porn film industry - that is a fact that cannot be overlooked. It is too glib to say that there are women who do this quite happily and merrily pocket the dosh. Firstly I find that in itself sad and demeaning of women; but the truth is that many women are forced into this in many ways - induced into drug addiction and forced to continue to do this to get their drug supply. It is a thoroughly nasty and corrupt "industry" and those who take pleasure in it (both men and women) are fostering women's misery.

To the OP I would say hold your head up high - do not be intimidated into thinking you are in some way lacking or narrow-minded or old-fashioned - partners who tell you this are simply gaslighting and are not worth your time.

I am sorry that your relationship has been undermined in this way - you must be feeling very sad.

Nonogran has the right idea.

I don't think the problem is porn per se. It's more that young, impressionable boys are seeing porn before they understand what love and relationships are all about. They mix porn up with reality. As with any form of entertainment porn has to go slightly or totally OTT. Downton Abbey wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable if the true drudgery of downstairs life was shown or the sense of entitlement of the rich was made clear. We want to see the fantasy side of Victorian and Edwardian England just as people who watch porn want to see fantasy. The problem is not porn but that, unlike when I was young, it is too easily accessible. A grown man who is in a mutually respectful relationship won't see porn in the same way as a teenage boy.

They are not sure, the studies hypothesise that men with excessive porn use are unable to become aroused during sex because of expectations from porn use. Lots of concern around the increase in cases of erectile problems in young men.

How does excessive use of porn cause erectile disfunction?

You are entitled to your boundaries. I loathe porn, those participating in it are frequently abused and exploited, and it is leading to some men having horrific expectations of women. The numbers of hospital admissions for anal injuries in young women is increasing as women are pressured to do what men see in porn. Excessive use of it also causes erectile dysfunction.