Porn

This posting brings back memories! Anyone who watches porn should be ditched, because it IS an addiction. At the workplace I told a colleague I did not want a relationship with him and to go on a website if he wanted to find someone. He went onto a porn website and was fired. Am I sorry? No!

Smedleyswife
Quote.In the past H has laughed at my attempts to seduce him.Why ?that in his mind he cannot perform to what he sees as ' your expectations of him 'so the only way out is to laugh which in turn is cruel but gets him out of that which he is unable to fufil?This is not a hopeless situation if both you and H are together in wanting to 'get back' what I am sure you both once had, before his need of porn, then your GP will be the one to direct you both to those persons who can get you out of your present situation.

Men will be men - what a poor view that is of men.

The fact that he laughed at your attempts to seduce sounds like he likes to control if he knows that what he is doing is upsetting you but isn't prepared to stop shows his lack of care for you . The men who watch girls as young as their own daughters for sexual gratification I find disturbing .

I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it. I know that my OH has been watching porn on the quiet for years. He knows I know as I saw some on his lap top. He knows I don’t like it but we have a good loving partnership and have been together 20 years. Men will be men, boys will be boys just put it to the back of your mind and try to ignore it like I do.

This is a very hard post to write. So I hope you read it.
As a norm porn starts off as incidental or curiosity. The problem is, that it does not stop there for many. My exhusband was convicted because of watching child porn which is obviously illegal. My understanding from the police and courts is. That those who watch on a regular basis become desensitised to what they are watching and are forever looking, like a drug addict, for their next hit.
If they are doing regularly this will become their norm so they will continue to search for their ‘hit’.
With my ex I would / could not accept his actions to which he has never apologised. Thus him being my x.

For those who suggest that the original poster or anyone else whose man watches porn 'watches it with him' - try asking him to let you and see if he wants to. 99% of men would say no. They look at it as their me time/fun time or whatever. It rarely would turn them on to have their wife watching with them. And if they say they have stopped watching it to please you, most of them are lying. Once they've started it's too addictive.

Porn is degrading and disgusting. I have an alternative (non serious) suggestion. Next time he's viewing this, join him and make sure you ask his mum and sisters to come too. He may not be so keen with you all clustered expectantly round the, er, laptop!
Sorry for facetiousness. I do know the poor OP has a problem.

If you are uncomfortable with this, and I would be, make it clear that's the end of you engaging in any further bedroom activities for the foreseeable. Include sleeping. You don't want to lie next to a man with those sort of images in his head.

I think porn is for lazy men who can't be bothered to put in the effort, physical or emotional. Also, there is evidence that it isn't just men that have sexual problems after watching too much porn . Some women report being unable to be aroused during sex.

No experience of this but a friend did have a similar problem some years ago. She asked her husband to find her some sites where she could view porn too- but slanted towards women.
He was not at all keen on her ogling naked men & very soon agreed to stop himself if she would.
As far as I am aware it has never happened since.

Smedleyswife. I noticed at the end you mentioned that you look after yourself well etc. The problem is not yours. Men watching porn can erode a woman's self esteem... the message being that you're not good enough, attractive enough, sexy enough etc. Don't let his behaviour steal your self worth.
Please put the issue firmly back in his court.

Porn is not reality... the woman have had endless manipulations of their bodies.. breasts larger, lips bigger, bums smaller etc etc.. again, to satisfy the fantasy world of men.

Love your beautiful body, with all the wrinkles and human imperfections. Thank her for all she does for you every day, stay close to your self worth.

My husband returned to looking at porn about 10 years ago as I was going through the menopause. As you can imagine at the time it did not help my self-esteem much as I was upset that he needed to look elsewhere to satisfy his needs and no longer found me desirable.

Before reading this post I found him in his office once more looking at porn. I was shocked and disgusted as I assumed after the last incident he had stop. However my first reaction was to inform him that it was not fair that he has neglected me all these years yet can still lust after young women.
In my ranting I also reminded him that these are not fictional women but young vulnerable girls the same age as his own daughters or younger. Exploited by men so dirty old men like him can satisfy their lust. I also asked the question of how would he feel if I lusted after young men, an questioned dismissed as ridiculous.

Thankfully he was ashamed or more likely embarrassed at being caught and apologised but I suspect it will happen again as old habits die hard.

I see control here. It seems that he is in control of when you have sex. I also wonder about your user name...Smedleyswife This indicates that you are not your own person. You are obviously very sad about what is going on. I see no happiness in this relationship. Is there any love? Lovemaking is a term used when people care....not sex.

I guess for me it would feel like a betrayal of our marriage and a form of violation. It is also a very unhealthy addiction and can lead to other unfaithfulness. A close friend has left her husband because porn addiction grew into using prostitutes. There are porn addiction helplines and groups you might find helpful. Get good advice and support before making big changes. If a man truly loves and respects his wife he would not choose to engage in practices that cause her harm. Remember that how this makes you feel is totally valid.

Sorry numerous typos!

But you are telling people to do something they dont want to. I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn I think its abusive. So no I cant my partner stop watching porn but I can choose whether to remain in a relationship with him of he does it.

If your husband has a problem with porn addiction, it will cause many problems, lying is usually step one, feeding themselves on usually degrading porn and practices that cannot be met in real life leads them to impotence, step two, and also that impotence then can cause you to feel like it's your fault, step three, especially if they've concealed it and are habitual liars.

I found it also leads to decreasing respect for them and eventually disgust but do acknowledge they need help, just not from me.

I feel for you Smedleyswife. I think porn is an abuse of women plain and simple. Its also degrading to the men who watch it. Why would a well adjusted, loving man want to watch women being used purely as objects, for self gratification. Why would a partner/wife collude with this?
There is a general theory that men are unable to control their sexual urges? Is this true or is it that throughout time men have had a sense of entitlement and have been able to dominate and use and abuse women in any way they choose.
Many women in porn movies have been sexually and emotionally abused as children and therefore have very low self esteem and they may have a drug habit they need to finance. They may be a single parent trying to keep food on the table for their kids.
Some women argue that what a woman does with her own body is a personal choice but I think looking deeper you would find an unhealthy emotional life and very little self esteem. There is nothing wholesome about porn! There are a lot of informative videos on Youtube about this topic.

The problem being skirted over here is that Smedleyswifes husband (And lots of other husbands)feels that he has to lie and hide the fact that he enjoys watching porn. If the man likes watching it he should watch it. If you don’t like watching it don’t. He isn’t forcing you to watch it, but you are virtually saying stop doing something because I don’t like it.
My husband watches porn sometimes, I watch it sometimes, sometimes we watch it together, ok I realise that is us, but even if I really didn’t like it I would not say to him you have to stop because I don’t like it. If the position was reversed and it was him telling you to stop doing something because he didn’t like it, I can guarantee half the people here would be up in arms.
Having said that, if someone male or female can’t stop watching it then that is a problem.

janebuck, why ? What if OP doesn’t want to ?

Watch it with him!

People vary on this. Personally, it would really upset me. Porn, some say, is a harmless outlet, but would they still say so if he was watching it live? Having an affair? Most porn is exploitative in some way and much is very degrading to women.

Personally, I’d find it horrible too. Tell him honestly how it makes you feel. It’d one now, the only thing you can do is discuss it.

CarlyD7 - I endorse what you are saying - from professional experience with vulnerable people - your post appeared whilst I was writing mine.

Smedleyswife, firstly a big hug from me, I notice your last sentence says you don’t know what to think, Perhaps you could concentrate on how this situation makes you feel, once you can understand how you feel about it, you can decide more easily what you want to do about the situation. Either way please please do not be coerced into anything that is not ok with you & your own soul. Best wishes