AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

Grandad1943, I think you'll find coronavirus got in the way of my replying and even I see that it is more important than my problems with my mother...

It was a routine appointment that could have been on any Friday (they only do appointments downstairs on a Friday and she needs a downstairs room as she has convinced herself she can't walk now, despite having no real physical illness and despite medical advice that she should exercise more for her own good). My husband 'forgot' it was my birthday. No, it wasn't that important in itself but it is hard, as some of you kindly recognize, for the child of a narcissist to stand up to them after being trained for 50 years to appease them at all costs. I might have hoped that my husband, who has seen me suffer from severe depression before, might be a little more supportive, that's all. Yes, it is odd that my husband gives in so much to my mother (though she does praise him in ways she never does her own children, so maybe that is part of it); I wonder how he would have been if his own mother had been in this position, but then again I don't think she was a narcissist.

Grandad1943, you will no doubt be happy to hear that my birthday was a wash-out anyway; I felt ill and my brother chose to ring and tell me all our mum's latest list of complaints against us, which you would probably say we deserve...

MOnica, you are right in many ways, though it is not simple; I am having counselling to see if I can find a better way of coping for all of us.

Not sure if I've got the jist of this correctly but seems like it has nothing to do with your mother narcisstic or otherwise? You say your husband made the appointment and then didn't listen when you said there were other options of transport?

Personally I just think you are making too much of it. My children love their birthdays. I couldn't care less about them any more. I think your husband sounds lovely and caring and probably thinks the same way as me? Your mum is, presumably, elderly and won't be around for ever. Maybe the issue runs deeper than just your birthday?

Oh, sorry, now they have come back. Why can't there be a delete/edit button?

Why do my answers go on and then disappear?

Let us know the outcome, Newgran2019! Oh, demanding mothers! I recall when DH's late mother banged her stick on the floor demanding to know our holiday address (so she could bombard us with phone calls). We both got up and walked out.

Let us know the outcome newgran2019! Oh, demanding mothers. I recall when DH's late mother banged her stick on the floor demanding to know our holiday address (so she could bombard us with phone calls) We both got up and walked out.

Point out it’s your birthday and you want to go out and have a nice day. The local volunteer scheme can take her or she can cancel. Two options for her to decide!
You insist on going out for your birthday end of. No contest !

Hetty58 is 100% accurate.

I was in a similar situation some years ago, my mother died three years ago now. She chose my husband as her "golden child" and whenever there was something she needed done, she knew that he would be too polite to refuse. She could then go on about how he had helped her when I didn´t. I have only sympathy and my advice would be to speak to your husband and arrange to coordinate your repliess in the future, when she asks him, he should say, I will speak to "newgran" and we will see when we have time to take you. Narcissists like to drive a wedge between the partners, don´t let her.

Although it seems that some weddings can be celebrated for whole weekends now.

Stella, yes, true!!

I'm not sure if they still have 'birthday weekends' now they're all responsible working adults

Exactly what nipsmum said up thread.

My birthday is just another day. No big deal . Although I know others like to do something special.

It has become very much a trend on this forum for a new member to open a thread which contain very personal but controversial issues. That "sets off" strong argument between those contributing to the thread, while the opening poster never returns to the thread they began.

I suspect that with this thread and others the opening poster is now somewhere on Twitter or Facebook laughing with others on the "controversy and argument " they began on this forum.

That sounds like a really good idea Chewbacca especially the part which includes pyjamas and gin.

Yes, what has happened to Newgran?

New gran hasn’t been back to make a comment ???

the queen wears a night gown; any slobbing around on 21/4 is done in that.
after she's schlepped over to Phil's den for a quick round of (strip) poker. he is the one with the PJs.

Is there any reason that your mother is not able to make the appointment herself and go on her own or make arrangements for her transportation?

Maybe we could be like the Queen? Have our own "proper" birthday where we can do whatever we wish --slob around in pjs all day and drink gin--; and then another, "official" birthday where we entertain friends and family in an orderly fashion!

Callistemon - really? Maybe it will eventually be ‘his/her birthday month’

It’s immaterial what any of us think the OP should or shouldn’t do on her birthday - it’s not about us and our preferences, it’s about her and her (perfectly valid) wishes.

I've known some of the younger generation celebrate a birthday weekend, Stella

It's his (or hers) birthday weekend was heard frequently when youngest DD was at university.

When did we start needing the entire day to be devoted to our birthdays? I really don’t get it! I’m 60 and when I was young (child and young adult), this wasn’t a thing at all. People (if they were lucky) had a celebration arranged. This may be a birthday tea, visit to a restaurant or something similar. Everyone went to school or work as normal. Now it’s normal to take the day off work, do no normal activities and the whole day be in celebration. I’m not knocking it. I just wonder when the change happened for those who do this!

The answer to the OP question is, yes, you may be being a bit unreasonable. If he will buy you a gift, a card, maybe take you out for tea, it may be a little OTT to be upset about him arranging the appointment and being willing to take your mother to it.

Perhaps he and your Mum have hatched a surprise lunch for you?

You definitely are not being unreasonable ! If I were you I’d just book myself on a luxury pampering day and stay overnight !!! Xx