Am I a prude?

Porn has been with us since time began for mankind - disguised sometimes as a religious thing - but definitely there. You only have to look in the history books! He has been very honest with you and, if the thought that he might still look at porn upsets you then you need to be equally honest and tell him. If he is determined to continue then you would need to decide if the relationship should continue or not. I don't think you are a prude, it is just something you haven't encountered before (and don't won't too). My daughter reads the modern day Mills and Boon books which my Gran used to love to read, however Gran would be very displeased with the way these books are now written, graphic in every detail, when things used to end with 'and they closed the bedroom door behind them'

Ashcombe To quote Edith Piaf, “Non, je regrette rien.”
For someone who feels the need to correct others' spelling etc I'd like to point out that the correct quote is "Non, je ne regrette rien."

Runs for cover!

No, you're not a prude.
I wonder why he felt the need to tell you about it. Perhaps he has had other lady friends who have ended the relationship when they found it, and he thought it best to tell you now.
I hope he didn't suggest that you watch it together as a prelude to sex?

I have visited some of these porn sites and lots of them are quite hilarious. You see nearly as much in some television shows. Game of Thrones for example. Do these TV shows denigrate women? It is all a matter of opinion. What some people find denigrating, others find entertaining. We all have a choice as to what we watch. I like soppy romantic films and those with a dog in it. My other half would rather watch something like Peaky Blinders. We have different tastes but don't let it spoil our relationship.

Onaclearday, if your male friend watches his legitimate porn, by himself and doesn't expect you to watch with him, I can see nothing wrong. The way you describe him, he is, otherwise, a decent chap. Only you can choose how far your relationship goes. Sit down and discuss it with him. It is surprising what can be sorted out by just talking about it.

Good luck.

You'll never really know whether or not he stops looking at porn, as what he does in the privacy of his home is his own business. That is unless you are hoping to live together at some point.

Not all men are into porn. But many men are addicted to porn.
You are uncomfortable, he clearly isnt. Imcreeped out he spoke with his girls, have no grid for that. No advice sorry, never dealt with that.

I do think it sad that all men have started to be labelled as porn watchers - that porn is so accepted that no-one is surprised to hear that teenage (and younger) boys look at this stuff.

Sadly, they cannot "unsee" what has been put before them. And from then on will judge women by what they have seen.

You are not a prude - I would find yourself a different man; or live peaceably alone, rather than link yourself with someone who is hooked on this degrading material.

It may be common, but I don't believe it is yet the 'norm' for men (or women) to look at porn.

When our sons were younger we discussed porn with them and asked if our sons would be happy to see their mother, sisters, nieces etc. in a porn film. The answer was a resounding 'no', so we discussed why that was the case and decided it was because, at best, it was a degrading thing to be involved in, and at worst it could be abusive.

My husband has also mentored men who have a porn addiction and we have discussed with our sons the difficulties this has caused in their relationships.

According to Chambers Twentieth Century Dictionary a prude is a woman of priggish or affected modesty.

I don't know if that really helps, though I think OP was really asking whether she was being unreasonably fastidious.

Most of us agree with her, which makes her neither unreasonably fastidious, nor a prude.

Rufus2 I think most of us are fully capable of checking our husbands' computers, phones etc. but would find doing so just as wrong as reading a letter addressed to them, although I do realise that the law hasn't caught up and made accessing another person's computer a felony yet. To my mind it ought to be a crime, comparable to intentionally reading a letter addressed to someone else.

As Grandad1943 says, no it's not at all what every bloke does. In my last place of employment it was made very clear to all staff that viewing porn was a sackable offence so we were all very aware of it. Only you can decide what you are prepared to accept. I hope things work out for you.

Could you discuss it with him? Tell him that as you are up for a good physical relationship, can he see his way clear to not need the porn anymore. Tell him you don't like it.

Reading your original post OP, you say that he started reading porn to relieve his needs as his wife wasn’t interested in sex. Therefore he may not need additional stimulation if you go on to both enjoy sex together, it may be worth checking this out with him ?

think you will find with lots of men ( not all) that they do it in secret and keep it from the wives
Juicylucy; are you saying that the modern "wife" is incapable of checking her husband's hard-drive?
Lovely name btw.

Thank you, Rufus.

I do think that porn degrades us all. I worry that coercion is involved in the vast amount around and that because it is available expectations change but that is really for another thread.
I think is is important for gransnetters to distinguish intelligently when iPads are replacing words and when the poster has no idea how to spell. In the latter case surely it's more polite to sit on your hands even if your eyes itch( to borrow from Mumsnet)

It does amaze me how many ladies are certain there husbands/ partners don’t look at porn.I really don’t think the husbands/ partners are going to say I’m off to look at porn.
I think you will find with lots of men ( not all) that they do it in secret and keep it from the wives.

Ashcombe what a horrible comment why not just try and be helpful or shut up.
Violet; Your comment is the unhelpful one and was uncalled for! I may be wrong here, but I think the issue centres around the "deletion" of a post without any indication as to why; a frequent problem! Obviously some one "reported" and no-one was allowed an opportunity to express a view. I coudn't care less what the content was; we are all supposed to be old enough to make judgements without being held by the hand To my mind that smacks of censorship and not encouraging free and vigorous debate. Otherwise, we are always looking over our shoulders as we compose, wondering who might take offence.

Have a peaceful Remembrance Day

I would be concerned about the comment that OP's late wife never liked sex. It looks like he did not manage to entice her sexually. My questions would be why did she not like sex and if she did not like sex how come he has children.
I have never been aware of my late DH, exh or current DP having access to porn. The only porn I have seen was a DVD given to me by someone who should have known better. (A person in a trusted position dealing with vulnerable women and children). I was not impressed.
It all depends on your own attitude to sex I think. Are you willing to have a full relationship or would you not be willing and therefore the questions arises would you accept his use of porn?

Violetham
I thought I was being helpful but my attempt to be so was not well received.

It is absolutely normal!

I'm not sure I know what a prude. (is)
Alexa: of course you do! They're all over the place! They start a discussion with. "I'm not a prude, BUT.".. etc, etc.; a sure give-away!
Have a peaceful Remembrance Day.
OoRoo

Coolgran, erotica is a name for the sort of porn that rich people could afford in the olden days when servants and wives were not permitted to enjoy it.

Ashcombe what a horrible comment why not just try and be helpful or shut up.

I'm married twice and several long term relationships - I've never been aware of any porn, it's never been discussed.

I do wonder how some people define porn. Years ago some stuff used to be called Erotica. Would Erotica be just a little bit 'edgy' ?? Or would that be 'soft porn'
Not having watched any porn I don't know.
And is soft porn edgier that just edgy.......
We almost need a grading system.......
Is a movie rated 18 with sex scenes considered erotica.
Note: I am being tongue in cheek here

Bottom line - if it makes you uncomfortable, it's not for you. I'd be just the same.

Porn needs to be discussed. Porn is similar to old fashioned stories about romantic love with happy endings. The similarity is that both are entertaining in their own ways.

The disadvantage of both porn and escapist romantic stories is that they may be taken to be true to life. Masturbating to porn has an almost guaranteed happy ending , but in real life there is more to sex between real people than what these superficial porn stories tell.

The benefits of porn is it can instruct about novel ways to enjoy sex and it can be exciting.