Is my friendship formula wrong

I have found my friends were just fair weather people since i became virtually housebound and apart from social media messages i can spend weeks with only dh who works during the day to chat to. I have lost confidence because of this and i must be very boring. So, hopeful1 i hope you can find something that makes you feel good and that you do it for your own pleasure and maybe friendship will develop over time. Please feel free to private message me. Good luck. flowers

so sorry about your partner's harsh cruel words.

I agree with a couple of others on here & I've accepted I wont make friends as easily as when I was younger.

I moved from England to Ireland about 16 years ago, I still meet up with old friends from England whenever possible and am heading over for a wedding this week.

Moved again 4 years ago and did make a few friends but they are all busy with their own families who live close by whereas mine are all a long way away. I'm still working so chat to work mates each day but haven't made actual close friendships. Last week a newish friend got a bit upset when we politely refused her invitation to join her family for Christmas lunch (I will actually be working all over Christmas). So have decided to just enjoy life with my husband and have given up on making new friends.

Like OP I joined slimming club and although members were friendly and I met a few for coffee all seem busy with family/grandchildren.

I think its a good idea to join groups and meet new people, hope it works out for you xxx

Keep going hopefull...it does take time believe me.

I don’t have loads of friends but try as best as I can to make new ones along the way. Don’t take anything personal...some folk are not worth knowing...so do take your time. Don’t be too full on, just be yourself and let others know you bit by bit x

Hi Hopefull. I think it has all been said and I hope you are taking on board some of the wonderful advice.

I know it isn't everyone's choice but 5 years ago my daughter got a puppy and as we were all working we took in turns to walk him. I also took him to obedience classes. Can honestly say I have never met so many people before - there are all sorts of things going on with my doggie walkers even trips out further afield. Coffee mornings etc etc.

Now IF you were to ask me if any of them I consider 'close' friends then the answer would be no. I enjoy their company when am there, but wouldn't confide my darkest secrets to them (done more of that on her bahaha). My closest friend from childhood died this year and t.b.h. I don't think I could ever replace her so not even looking.

So, taking from that perhaps just join something you are really interested in. Get talking. Don't look for a 'friend' as such. I am not interested in things like WI, U3A for instance, but recently met a whole bunch of 'walkers' who were and all seemed to be having a rare old time.

I think the secret is not to be too sensitive when meeting new people if they seem a bit off or expect to be part of a 'click' straight away. Just persevere and...keep joining in. If it is something you love doing you will find you are having a good time.

Take no notice of your partner btw. Nasty comment.

Loads of good advice here! I would just add - don't try to make friends. Find a club or group that you would be really interested in joining, and go because you want to participate in the activities. Enjoy what you went there for. Obviously, be friendly and open with the people there, but, as others have said, don't be 'desperate'! (And don't let people know that you are there to make friends.) You have lots of friends and a full life. Just pretend.

In my experience it's very off-putting to meet someone who seems so 'needy' that you know if you offer friendship they are going to take up too much of your time and energy. That sounds a bit cruel, I know, but it's a fact!

So play it cool! And be patient.

And, I have to say, that your partner sounds just horrible! What a rotten thing to say to you. No wonder you feel down. You've got to just ignore him. (Hard, I know.) But he's not doing you any favours at all. He is not your friend. (And I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want you to find any friends, for his own selfish reasons.)

So get out there and find some! I wish you all the luck in the world. Stay positive and happy, and your friends will find you!

I've had this problem in the past. Sadly, I realised that everyone isn't automatically friendly, and that has nothing to do with me, it's just the way some people are. I think I expect too much.

Getting involved in an activity I enjoy has been my way out of feeling lonely. I wouldn't put a slimming club into that category personally, but it's horses for courses.

Don't take your husband's comments as gospel truth - I doubt very much that you're disliked by everyone. If he undermines your self-confidence, that could have a big effect on how easily you get to know people.

Oh hopefull, I understand!! It is really hard to find new friends. I am at that point in life where the children have moved out, the grandkids are old enough where they are too busy, and everything that my life has ever centered around... moved on. I felt bereft, and after a short time very lonely. Then I decided to find a part time job. It has been a blessing and the money doesn't hurt either!! Volunteer, find a class, a group, a new hobby you have always wanted to try. I wish you the best! It will get better! As far as your partner is concerned, set what they had to say aside and move forward.

Lot's of great advice here Hopefull. I agree with Doramarr don't expect to make lifelong friends but warm acquaintances.This sums it up very well. Take up something you enjoy doing, have always wanted to do or try something new. WI, U3A, crafting classes, dancing, yoga, walking groups the possibilities are endless. Everyone is friendly in the groups I belong to but we do not socialize outside of them. The reasons are varied because we don't always know what is going on in other peoples lives. They can be Carers, look after their grandchildren, travel to see family and friends, belong to lots of different groups. Sometimes it is just not possible to form closer friendships but important to enjoy what we have and the time we spend together at our meetings. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Years ago, I was visiting my mother in the small village where she had moved to.

I went for a walk and an elderly man stopped me with the line "You ain't a local yokel!".

We got talking and it evolved that he had suffered severe depression after his wife had died two years previously.

He went to his doctor who told him to: find an activity (he volunteered to man the local museum);
to exercise (he walks every day to and from the museum); talk to a total stranger once every day (I was his stranger of the day).

He says this advice totally changed his life!

Anniezzz09 Sounds like many of us need to be our own best friend.

yes triple yes. That is key, to try and be comfortable in your own skin, to have nice satisfying hobbies, to eat as well as we can, to give ourselves treats from time to time, to get out and about every one or two weeks on a bus or to eg an NT property. If time starts to hang heavy, then watch an uplifting film or clear and tidy a cupboard or down tools and just go out or get your bike out and do a short cycle ride. You need strategies in your mind, rather than get into that rut of feeling sorry for yourself, which can be a spiral downwards

What an illuminating thread and rather sad. I've got a few good friends but find it hard since we moved and downsized to make new friends.

The WI is excellent and I go to an art class but moving on from acquaintanceship to a deeper level of friendship is so difficult. It often seems that people already have enough friends or they have family near at hand. People also sometimes seem to be friendly if they're needy and can then use you to offload onto. I try to be helpful and friendly and not mind too much if I get rebuffed but sometimes it's hard.

Sounds like many of us need to be our own best friend.

Possibly you're trying too hard. If you feel tense this will communicate itself to others. I wonder if you've thought about getting a dog, there's nothing like a furry friend, they offer unquestionable friendship and they get you out of home meeting like minded people. A dog is a great ice breaker, you'll probably get to know someone as Fido's mum/dad but mighty oaks from little acorns grow and all that. If you decide to get a dog please consider a rescue, not only will you make an enormous difference to that dog's life you'll also meet like minded people at the shelter you'll soon meet up with like minded people, there are a lot of us out there. All in all, like yourself, if you do others will too.

just a thought, for most mainline churches, you don't have to be a member, or religious to go to events held in church halls etc or during week-days.
the respectable ones welcome everyone, religious or not, and see it as part of their outreach/community action.
why not put your toe in to something, give it a go.

often one hears of other events/groups through people at these type of things.
why is your partner being so negative. is he always like this. how strong is the relationship. is it mutually enhancing.

It's not all jam and Jerusalem at Women's Institute these days. More and more younger women are joining them and they have sub groups to follow your own interests. The one I'm in as well as the monthly meet up offers a walking group, a book group , crafting, a social meet up ( coffee , meals out , cinema/ theatre/ bowling )
I've made several friends by joining mine.

I am a bit of loner and enjoy my own company but a few weeks ago joined a knit and natter club. At first I felt I didn't belong but 4 weeks later I am nattering along with everyone. Just give it time. If you are not happy you do not have to return

Could you be coming out too strong to people? Too desperate?

I don't think a slimming club is the best way to socialize. The purpose is to lose weight, not make friends.

How about knitting/crochet/sewing club? They are called stitch and bitch for a reason.

While your partner sounds mean, he is up to something. Ask him to elaborate why or what you do

Friends is something that happens, no matter how much you look for it sometimes.

I can remember when I was a teenager and so much wanted a boyfriend. I told my Gran and she said I should stop trying to get a boyfriend and focus on doing lots of interesting things instead. Maybe its a bit the same with friends. If you concentrate on doing lots of things you enjoy then you meet more people and become more interesting to them because you have lots to talk about. I have three volunteering jobs and in two of them I enjoy long chats with other volunteers just like you would with a friend. We dont meet outside of the jobs, but it doesnt matter. Once you have spent a few hours working alongside someone, talking as you work, you tend to get your friendship needs met. The only volunteer role which is not particularly friendly is listening to readers in the local school. I enjoy the time with the children, but I am there on my own to carry out a specific task and dont meet other volunteers, nor do we sit with the teachers. The friendlier jobs are with the Royal Voluntary Service at the local hospital and on reception at U3A.

I'm not sure this " joining things" is all it's cracked up to be.

That was for cas58

Being too intense and demanding of time and attention? Being too serious? Worrying too much about tiny things? Going over and over old discussions? - I'd find these draining.

It's a complete mystery to me . I have joined lots of different groups and l have never made any lasting friendships. Do l try to hard or not hard enough. Some
people seem to make friends so easily. It would be great to have a local Nottingham group

What does he mean you're draining his life? Has he explained that to you?

Apologies I hit the return too quickly! Despite a lack of friends, I've established a lot of meaning in my life, and have a lovely daughter and granddaughter. I am trying to practice gratitude, and nurture hopefulness that when I (eventually!) retire that I will make more connections with others.

I hope you find what you need

I think it's more difficult to make friends when you are older. Everyone 'seems' to be in long-standing friendship groups. I'm really sorry to hear what your partner is saying to you. If this is indicative of his general responses it can affect your self esteem. Sometimes it's absolutely nothing you're doing wrong in trying to find friends; and more indicative of the people you are meeting are already established in friendship groups.

I actually do not have any friends at all. I have a full-time job that drains me. I've always preferred not to nurture friendships in my working-life, but I'm now paying the consequences of that. I am friendly and I know most people would say, if asked, that I am a nice person. I'm also single so have no one to go to a move with, walk, or coffee and chat when I have a little free time at the weekend - aside from my sister when she is free.

Thank you so much for your kind and honest messages, certainly given me food for thought. I will try to hold back the desperate bit lol and get interested. Didnt realise so many people feel the same. Can be a lonely world out there.. thanks again for the support. X