Christmas, feeling a bit sad

I can see how some estrangements might happen, unrealistic expectations. We all need to realise our grown up children are entitled to make their own choices and not guilt tripping them.

Smileless, I do wish things were different for you.?
Dilly, I would think of your dil's feelings, it must be so hard for her not seeing and being with her family, how they must miss her. Is there no way she can afford to go and see them?

'the eldest GC since he was 8 months old'

Be thankful for what you have Dilly and I don't mean that unkindly.

Due to our estrangement from our youngest son, we haven't seen him at all in nearly 7 years and as a result haven't seen the youngest since he was 8 months old, and never seen the youngest. All we do each Christmas is send them a card which I very much doubt they'll see.

My mother doesn't see her only GGC and my m.i.l. has lost two of hers. Our DS lives in Aus.; it will be 3 years this year since we last spent Christmas with him. He is divorced with no children.

We are so lucky that we can afford to go over there to be with him once a year and will do so again in January. The high price of flights for the Christmas period are prohibitive.

I'm not unsympathetic to your disappointment, and I know how annoying it can be when you're feeling upset and others tell you to 'count your blessings', but I do believe there are times when it's good to do so.

Perhaps for you, this is one of those times.

Mr. S. and I will spend Christmas alone this year, just as we did last year. That makes me sad in the run up from time to time but I know we'll make the best of it, enjoying one another's company just as we do throughout the year.

Dilly, you simply can't expect them to be there every single time! Wish them a happy holiday and don't show your own upset about it.

I think my advice would be to wave them off happily for this year, they may well change their minds for next year if you do.

For the first time in 45 years my eldest son will not be spending Christmas with us, or even in this Country. He has chosen to take himself and two granddaughers abroad to live, so we can't see them, he won't allow us to go over there to visit, and says he is not going to set foot in thid Country in any foreseeable future. And yes, it hurts like hell! No falling out, he is happy to accept presents, (but says he is too poor to give them, or even a card) his wife lives with us three days a week for work, he just sees no need to see his parents at all. DiL did sent us photos of GD's eighth birthday, ( GD blowing out the candles on the cake I had made for her to take out), and I could have cried with longing.

Enjoy finding suitable presents they can take out with them, and wish them well. If you manage that, they may well be back with you next year, and alternate after that.

If

Thanks Alexa for your kind words. I am not marvellous at all, but when DD married her Aussie husband in 2001 and made her home there, well it’s just life. She had not lived at home since age 19 because of her job (she was a live-in nanny), so we were used to her not being around, but that is of course different to moving to the other side of the world. It is sad not to have seen her three children grow up, we have visited several times, but I can’t pretend we know them like we do our son’s two children who live locally.
We spend Christmas with them usually, it would be lovely to be all together, but not able to.
So that’s why to me the OP needs to ‘get over it’ really. I sympathise with her DIL, as she seems to be the one never spending the festive season with her own family, just like DD.

Just go with the flow, tell your son and daughter in law to have a lovely Christmas wherever they go, and perhaps you can have a special day with them another time to exchange presents etc. And enjoy your Christmas day with the rest of your family. With my parents one year they used to come to me, and the next year they went to my sister's. But we spoke Xmas morning wished each other a lovely day. And then got on with our own festivities.

Sorry, but I'm siding with several others on this one.
If this is the only time that he and his wife can take a much needed holiday, there is no way that you should try and stop him !
Ok so your cooking is not much - get other people involved on the day, doesn't have to be your DS! There are lots of prepared foods available from a turkey crown or turkey roast to pre prepped veg and desserts that basically need unwrapping and bunging in the oven for the right times and it's done!
Tell your DS that you hope that he has a lovely break and he'll be welcome to come round at New Year.

BlueBelle and Calendargirl, you are both marvellous for adapting to the prolonged absences of your children. I hope I'd cope as well if I had to but God willling I won't have to.

Have either of you any advice to give about this situation as it affects you?

Our daughter lives in Australia. Have spent ONE Christmas with her and her family in 20 years. Seen her on her birthday TWICE in the same period.

Get really irritated when I see all these daft Christmas posts about who is going where, why is so and so cooking dinner, why have we not been asked etc, etc.

It’s ONE day for heaven’s sake, be thankful if you can share it with loved ones, and just get over it if you can’t!

For goodness sake!
Leave them alone about ruddy Christmas!

Its one day, and it doesn't actually matter if they want to spend it doing their own thing.

Its not the end of the world, and if it is, then something is askew with some peoples thinking.

Or they might feel that theyve been forced into Christmas even though they said no. Same thing that stresses her out, just at another time.

Not sure this is a good thing to do..........

He seems to be being very fair and reasonable and I know this must hurt. A good idea is to have an 'early' Christmas - no need to have everyone round - that way they, and you won't feel as if you're being let down and with a smaller number of people you DiL won't feel perhaps so overwhelmed.

Well first good on you for taking it on the chin because I think 99.9 % posts have told you you are wrong and you ve accepted it Dilly so a brownie point for that but you still don’t really get it do you ? as you say ‘I ll still be sad’ ...why? They are living with you for goodness sake you see them every flipping day of course they need a break to be on they own it s not good living with family however nice they are to you
My son moved to NZ 22 years ago I ve had two Christmases with him in those years My youngest moved to Europe 19 years ago I ve had one Christmas with her and will have my second this year ? you have them living loving and cooking for you year in year and you still chewed your sons ear off You owe him and especially your long suffering daughter in law a very big apology and never ask your friends for advice again

Oops ..... ‘their own’.

Accept your ‘children’ are now adults and have a life of there own. It might have taken some thought and courage from them as to how they told you that they wanted their own Christmas.
Be thankful that other family members will be joining you - some people have no one and spend Christmas Day on their own.

Let it go. You recognise all the reasons for their decision. I have family all over and have never had all the AC etc for Christmas. I respect that they have their own lives and don't want to spend a short holiday travelling to and fro. Maybe one day you will go to them for Christmas.

"I've already chewed out my son about it in front of DIL and said I was hurt and that it was odd to go away on their own rather than be with family. I will have to be positive about it the next time it is raised."
'Chewed out'? Ouch. I think you have to do more than wait for it to be raised, because I somehow doubt your son will be in a hurry to raise it, since he will expect to be chewed out again.

I think you really really should apologise. To both of them. Say you realise you were being selfish, that now you've been on Gransnet thought about it, you understand completely, you support their decision unreservedly, and for their Christmas present would they like some money upfront to help pay for their holiday?

Seriously, I think you should actively smooth over your 'chewing out' and mend those bridges well in advance of them moving abroad. As soon as possible.

And if my mother or MIL acted the way you did, I'd make a point never to spend Christmas with them again. Adults have a RIGHT to plan their lives as they wish, and the fact that you're a mother, doesn't trump over your adults childs rights either.

Sometimes I feel I would be happy if I didn’t do the Christmas meal, however that is only a passing thought.

My dsil has just said he presumes they will be coming to mine for Christmas Day. Of course I said yes. Other daughter has also asked if we can have Christmas dinner a bit later as she has to work. Of course I said yes to that too! So with new arrival (born in February) that’s dinner for 12.

It is of course lovely, but exhausting, to have them all and I am really very lucky to have such a close family. However if they did want to go away or have Christmas dinner with ils I would accept that and would definitely not try to guilt trip them into having it at my house.

You're being extremely selfish. This is not about you, how your hurt or what you want. I'm sure they are relieved to be moving abroad if you literally did this below:

I've already chewed out my son about it in front of DIL and said I was hurt and that it was odd to go away on their own rather than be with family

When you went on your vacations without them did you find it odd to be on your own without them as "family?" Nope! You packed your bags and went right away not caring about a thing. Now that they are finally getting a breather you want to guilt trip them by making this about you and your hurt and "family?" Not caring that unlike you they've not had any vacation to themselves?

But you have double standards to your selfish behavior and are using the umbrella of "family" to insert guilt and control and manipulate their emotions so that you get your way. "Family," does not act like you doing and make things all about them.

Leave them alone. You should apologise to them . Speak of entitlement

Our adult children, whilst still our children are adult and should decide for themselves what they do at Christmas.
I issue invitations but am not put out if they want to make other plans.

Oh now the bold thing has gone wrong.

The OP is Dilly *and the person who said she “allowed it” was elph. Think *Dilly is getting some unjustified flak here.