Affair

As he is willing to go to counselling, I would say he is trying to meet you halfway. Also a visit to the GP would be helpful - a very low dose of antidepressant for a few months may make all the difference as your partner is managing to get up and go to work, which is good. If he needed medication for a physical problem and would take it, then why not for a probably temporary depression problem. Perhaps a blood test to check the basics would help too. Are you GIVING him affection or have you given up? Perhaps do some small thins to please and kick start better times - a walk after dinner instead of TV, a cup of tea in bed in the morning etc. Good luck because I think your heart is not in a possible affair simply because you are procrastinating and asking us.

So if his needs are met and so are mine, yes he's experienced ? is there anything wrong with it?

If fidelity has never been the 'potential' mans strong point, then he must have had lots of practice!

That could be a good thing, depending on what you're actually expecting out of an affair.

I wouldn't bank on anything other than Mr Fling getting his needs met.

He has no need for anything more if he has a partner.

I guess because he's said he's always fancied me, it was an attractive proposition.

Tangerine, I would say the same thing to someone else. I do know he doesn't sound a good bet. I know in my heart, it's not a good situation.

I think he's turning into his dad, who's very much like that. Maybe age related. Yes we've been together for a very long time. He says I've changed and I have but I can't be a twenty something for my whole life.

If fidelity was never your potential lover's strong point, he doesn't sound like a particularly good bet.

If you want to leave your husband, perhaps think about the pros and cons of doing that but I'd think carefully about going off with someone who has a poor track record.

He says he’ll go to couples counselling but not on his own. ?? The idea is you go together and someone hopefully helps you to work through the problems in the relationship, even if that means separating. He’s probably not going to take the initiative if he’s depressed - but he’s said he’ll go. Are there specific reasons for the depression - has he lost his job, become ill, money worries, erectile disfunction? Have you been together a long time? Children?

Better to find a man your husband doesn't know.

Lisagran
It's because of the 'now' that I say this, the 'now' has been going on for about a year. I don't know exactly how to support him. And it's not a relationship I know how to be in. He says he'll go to couples counselling but not on his own. I suppose that's a start. But I'll have to arrange it because I've given him the option of making an appt and he's not done it.

Bluebell what do you mean? Please explain.

Missadventure
I do crave those things, and romance/seduction. I've been telling him but I don't think he can bring himself to being romantic because of the depression. He just eats, works and sleeps, poor thing. He doesn't see it as depression, just says he's "flat" and "existing"

Do you picture your life in the future without your partner because he’s depressed now, or has it not been good between you for a long time? Has your partner tried to get help for his depression / have you supported or suggested this? Do you or your potential lover have children / grandchildren? I consider myself to be fairly liberal, but you know sex in a meaningful relationship is much more satisfying. fidelity was never his strong point. All sounds a minefield to me! I feel you must communicate more with your partner, whatever the outcome. Would he go with you to counselling?

Well it kind of changes things that the man has a partner too doesn’t it ?

I suppose I'm stereotyping, but I do think a lot of women crave love and attention more than sex.

Is your partner getting help for his depression, by the way?
Perhaps that's the key; you need to see there will be better times ahead.

Reva thanks, you balance your points well and interesting to see what you said about sex and guilt. L I got the message that I will have to live with the consequences of my actions. Of course I havent taken the leap yet. I know I will agonise over it.

Agnurse
Good point about the affair partner. We both know him well and over the years, fidelity was never his strong point. It would be so easy to go with him. I think I'd actually feel more deceitful towards his partner than my own!

I really don't like deceit in any shape or form. Its not my style to be thinking of having an affair..

Sara65 if I'm honest, no. But he's done nothing wrong. He's just depressed. I can either go under with him or try and find some affection elsewhere.

It's not fair to him for you to stay in a relationship while pursuing someone else on the side. You either make a choice to leave, or you put up with what you have.

Keep in mind that if your affair partner is willing to help you cheat, there's no guarantee he/she will be willing to remain faithful to YOU. They've already demonstrated that fidelity doesn't mean anything to them.

Hi Joyfulnanna

How many times do you thing before eating something or going to sleep? Not much right?

Then why so many thought before having sex with any one you want to?

Here is the reason - Sex has been the most powerful control tool used since centuries - through religion primarily, institutions like the military which is why even the very thought of sex creates guilt feelings and guilt complexes in the minds and hearts of many thousands

Marriages are not made in heaven, nor are the relationships we have on Earth either.

Further, there is only one life - this life that you will live, only nice!

You can either make yourself miserable by living up to other people's standards or live happily doing what makes you feel satisfied and happy.

There is just these things you will need to understand -

1. come clean of the past before you start something new because the past has a way of coming back when you least expect or want it and messes up life big time. In simple words, break clean with things you no longer want to hold on to

2. 4 things are very basic to being alive - sleep, food, sex and though - without any one of the 4, anyone - human, animals, birds get unbalanced, disoriented unless you want to become celibate or enter monkhood.

3. Think before you leap - The universe works on laws one of which is the law of cause and effect. Think before you get into that one-night swing on the consequences and ramifications it may have. We live in societies which have their own rules and will never leave a chance to drive anyone underground with vile looks and remarks, comments without knowing what is going on inside you

All said and done – the life and therefore the choice is yours, but the consequences are not yours to do want you want to do

Cheers

Tedber my (potential) affair partner is in a similar position to me.

Aggie
I've told him my needs but he's in too deep with depression.

Yes if I can picture my life in the future, it's without him but I'm not brave enough to do it. We both know the man I want to have an affair with. I'm wondering if my desires are a cover for wanting to start the journey to leaving, or a distraction. Ive never wanted to stray before, and how I feel is surprising me. I might even be confusing wanting sex with wanting affection.

Joyfulnanna. You too have needs. It's very sad that you're in this predicament.

If you feel you can have an affair and not suffer any guilt I'd say go for it.

Don't worry about what people think. It's your life.