Affair

You are married and the man you are thinking of having sex with has a partner. Not a good basis for a relationship. have a break from your husband and start a new life without ties.

Affairs are devastating and never the answer. Believe me I know!

You are trying to justify the reasons for you both having an affair. Don’t do it. If you are both in loveless, sexless marriages then do the right thing and leave

Isn't it strange that the 3 threads have a "thread" between them. Joyful nana I wish you the very best for the future ?x

To the posters who recommend to go ahead with affair: how would you feel if you were the depressed spouse and your dh wanted to satisfy his needs with the wife of a friend you both know?
How would it make you feel?

I think it is still a rather unknown fact that some allergies can cause depression - I have experienced this myself. It might be worth you & your husband sitting down & thinking about any new food &/or drink in his diet, at the time the depression first manifested.
Just a thought.

Life is short ,too short to be unhappy , enjoy yourself and enjoy being desired .You don’t need anyone else’s permission , your life is your own so go girl x

If your marriage is so bad, why not leave, then have sex with whoever you please. As it is, your husband is just being humiliated.

I suffer with anxiety and depression and acknowledge it can be very difficult to live with, my long suffering husband is testament to that. I cannot speak for your husband but I know if I found out my husband was sleeping with someone else I would be destroyed. I would prefer the relationship to have ended on mutual terms before that, however, upsetting I would find it. I’m definitely not going to tell you to stay with your husband purely to look after him as it sounds as though it’s gone beyond that. Hard decision for you, I wish you both well.

My friends loves her DH very much. Intellectually and in humour and a ‘take on the workd’ They are totally in tune. However, her husband developed MS and he cannot fulfil all of her needs. She had an affair, it went on for a year, he knew, they never spoke if it but she knew he knew, and he just quietly accepted it - she often wonders why, was it fear of losing her if confronted or was it because he was aware that some gaps needed filling.
Anyway, the affair fizzled our and they are as strong as ever and she appreciates him for his mind and intellectual compatibility more than ever.
They are fairly young, she late 49’s and he mid fifty’s.
They both, she says, know that there will be other affairs, but that’s ok.
Every relationship is different and I think you should just do it.

I’d go for it. One thing though. If it’s purely about sex, can you control your feelings? Men it seems can. Therefore you may fall in love and him not. Can you bare the pain?

Having been the one that was depressed, suffering from PND, I would say yes it is wrong.
You cannot believe the hurt and distress this can cause your long term partner/ husband / wife that can be ongoing once they have climbed out of that big black hole they find themselves in. There will be no way to hide it, the secret will always come out not necessarily straight away, but along the line.
You would honestly be better leaving your long term relationship and moving on. It is easier to deal with a complete end to a relationship for whatever reason than to leave your current partner feeling dirtied by your actions

You are the only person the planet who can say if it is right or wrong.

Is your friend being totally honest about his wife or is he taking advantage of your vulnerability. Will you end up being the one hurt and feeling guilty for the rest of your life. Why not both sort out your relationships, then see if you feel the same way as unencumbered singles or formally seperateds. You would benefit from councilling. I don't think you're having a life currently. Best wishes.

I think if you start having sex with someone you both know than you obviously will get more feelings for him and think you are in love. Whilst your OH would be totally distraught.

Deal with what is in front of you first. If you are not happy stop making excuses and discuss with OH as adults. If you need to start again so be it as your OH seems stuck in his own issues and it doesn't sound like he is fully happy either. Don't carry on in something that is dragging you both down. Dealing with it rather than being underhanded and start an affair. Which is like putting a plaster over a wound that never heals.

Without going into too much detail, when I was separating from my Husband I did some things which I am not proud of. No one got hurt and I had some 'fun' for a while. The consequences I feel were mine, in that I felt bad about the lying and the deceit. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if things happened again I would not do it. I think always finish one thing before going on to another. Depression is an awful illness and it maybe that your Husband could get help and support which could benefit both of you. If your marriage is truly over I would suggest to tread very carefully, but make the break cleanly. Hard that it is. You must also consider how this 'affair' may impact on everyone else and if fidelity is not his strong point, he may just be after a good time. I do hope things work out for you. Good luck.

Is it sex you're really looking for or just the excitement of an illicit affair? Are you just maybe bored with life and want to spice it up?

Surely it all depends on how long this depression has gone on and whether he is trying his best to get help.

Most of us vowed to stay together "for better or worse".

If it really is just the depression which is the issue, that can change and if you love him, wouldn't you be putting all your effort into helping him through this? You don't say much in your post about how your relationship was before and how you feel towards him?

I think his depression might accelarate if there is to be a splitting up, and you may have a guilty conscience then. It is hard to live a cloak and dagger life,then being found out and hurting a lot of people.
If you can get away with it, good luck to you.

Remember, this man is definitely going to hurt you in the future. Have you got a friendship with your husband? If so, stay and settle for a brother sister relationship, it would be better than nothing. This man isn't going to leave his relationship for you and when the affair with you has run its course, as they do, he will embark on another one and you will be left with absolutely nothing at all. I don't know how old you are, but consider the future. Yes, an affair is exciting while it's happening, but the downside can be devastating. The very best of luck with whatever you choose.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joyfulnanna, The grass is never greener on the other side, I left my marriage after 38 years, through abuse, I walked out of the house with nothing except the clothes I stood up in, eventually I got a divorce, I was in a women’s refuge for 7 months, when I came to find a place of my own I had nothing, not even a teaspoon. It’s 10 years later I’ve made myself a lovely home, and I have a partner who I met on line, things are never the same second time around, if I’m truthful I still love my ex husband even now.
Good Luck what ever your decision is, please try and think about the other guys wife, and if they have children, it could be devastating for them..
❤️?xx

As others have said, this has to be your decision. Whatever you do, it doesn't sound as though it's going to help your husband's depression, but leaving him may just get him seeking help from professionals (if he's not already). I would say if you're going to leave anyway, then do that first, if you possibly can.

Joyfulnana.
You/ all of us would have to be made of stone to not want affection.
Having sex is not the answer unless you count those who are paid for this service doing so because they are needing affection. What do you know of the man who is willing to give you sex. ?You are wise to consider counselling.

If you are going to have an affair that your partner would not approve of you will have to be very careful 1, to keep it secret and 2. to protect your own welbeing if the other man is unreliable and fickle and many of them are.