Do you socialise independently or together..?

gillybob
I know you work hard, but you have to have some time to yourself as well, it’s essential.

To answer the OP, like others we do both, but I go out far more than DH does, he is fine with that fortunately.I have felt a little guilty at times, but I’m a ‘joiner in-er’ and he isn’t.

It’s not just about having time to myself lemon . I am on my own most of the time during the day in “that place. It’s about having something to look forward to . Something to get excited about . Anything .

Sorry lemon I didn’t mean for that to come out as confrontational at all.

gillybob sorry for your situation. Hope things improve

“I’d love to get out more” .... then you should go. We only live once and are all each responsible for our own happiness. It would be very sad to reach the end of your life and have so many regrets because you have not followed your own dreams. DH is allowed to do whatever he wants but equally, so are you. Who knows, if you did start going out and “living” it might even make him feel like joining you ... so please don’t let your life fritter away watching tv, you have nothing to feel guilty for we are all entitled to do things that we enjoy.

For goodness sake. Get on with your life. Go out and enjoy yourself. If he wants to sit on his backside all day, that’s up to him. I’m not sure why women even have to ask the question.

gillybob, can't you find anything you want to do? The WI, a friendship group, the Red Hatters? If you were a Girl Guide there is the Trefoil groups who arrange outings. I may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick so there may be a reason you can't put yourself out there but if I am ever left without my husband, I am determined that I will make myself find something which will give me something to look forward to apart from family, as much as I love them.
My DH is a stay at home person but with my last boy just off to Uni, I am looking for a way for us to enjoy life outside as well as within. He always enjoys things when he gets there but is less motivated than me to get out and about. If he doesn't want to go, I won't feel at all guilty as he is as able to choose his lifestyle as am I. That said, I won't desert him all the time because I love his company, it's all about balance.

My partner is exactly the same, try as I might he never wants to go anywhere unless it is garden related. My late husband was very sociable as was my partner when I first met him. He’s quite a sweet person, who was badly burned financially and emotionally by his divorce (before I met him). So now I just do my own thing - after all we only get one life. I’ve gone past feeling guilty, the options to go out are there if he wishes to take them.

I so understand Birchermuesli...my husband is stay at home...why go out for lunch when I can make it for him!!! I kid you not. His life fir 12 years passed has been tv in at 8 in the morning and it goes off when he goes to bed between midnight and 1am. He used to get annoyed with me fir wanting ‘a life’. When I turned 60 ...I decided it was either divorce or make my own life! As divorce would have meant me being considerably worse off than him, I settled for regaining my life back. I now have a smallish social life , I flit here there and everywhere ...albeit usually involving grandkids, which he takes umbrage about! I have two good friends that I share lunch with occasionally , or a trip out to London fir the day. I used to feel guilty...but know more. He would rather I sit watching him, watching tv. It ain’t gonna happen!! Find your own way...make your own social circle, even if it’s only small steps. Otherwise he’ll suck you into this passive life ...that I think is worse than death ...it’s a living death!

I used to feel like that birchmuesli.but my husband says he would rather I go out enjoying myself,doing things I like doing,rather than staying indoors with him being bored. I make sure i spend enough time at home with him. Don't feel guilty,go out enjoy yourself.just try to spend some quality time with your husband.

This is my first post, so Hello!

So sad for your situation, Gillybob..I do hope things improve.

My husband has never been particularly sociable, although always friendly and pleasant. After we retired, we always did lots of things together, mainly with our family and mutual friends, and I had friends and followed my interests separately.

However since a major stroke 10 years ago, his interest and ability in DIY and gardening have declined. We still do family things together, and thankfully I am still able to do things ...meet friends, and sing in a choir...but have all those guilty feelings when I leave him at home. He doesn’t complain, but....

Just because he wants to sit around doesn’t mean you have to. Besides, why feel guilty about doing what you want to ( and living life) when he is happy doing what he wants.
I am off on a weekend with 8 ‘girls’ soon and I won’t worry about DH. He can do or not do whatever makes him happy. Neither will I be leaving meals ready for him. He is fit and healthy and old enough to sort himself out.

Just to answer the actual op. We do things together and separately.

We go out for days and holiday breaks regularly and see very longstanding friends together but I also see friends and go to a couple of groups on my own. DH has lots of hobbies at home and I think it all works well. I shouldn't feel guilt about doing your own thing and how about one last effort to get him out somewhere/anywhere.

My husband and I moved house 2 years ago just before I retired to a bungalow as he could no longer manage stairs. Where we are is halfway between my daughter and two sons so we go manage to visit them easily. Being in a new town, we didn't know anyone so we very much did everything together. Now he is in a nursing home, I am stuck here alone. I can't sell the house to be nearer any of my family as he will not agree to it, believing, wrongly, that he will be able to return home soon. He still has capacity so would have to sign for the sale. I love my little house, a very quiet street, but no one to talk to. My oldest grandson used to stay every weekend with us and that was great when my husband went into care. However he has now turned 18, is at college and has just got himself a parttime job at weekends. I am really glad he is getting on with his life, but I do miss seeing the family when they brought him over each week. I have discussed this with my daughter and we have decided that I will stay here as long as possible, then if I feel I can no longer cope on my own, I will move to a sheltered housing complex where I will have more company. I thought I would be happy on my own and most of the time I am but it can be too quiet sometimes. I dread the dark nights coming.

I ended up staying in all the time as slowly my husband managed to alienate my friends. I hardly noticed having the children to care for. The he became ill and died. I am on my own alone. I have a choice to either become a new person who will enjoy socializing and having a life or staying as i am. Lonely alone sad and no friends. I choose the new person. I have friends now, i get out and about doing things i had forgotten i enjoyed. I feel regret for most of married life i dislike my husband for what he did to me but i did not realise it at the time.

Both, we are like chalk and cheese- and it has worked all these years (49 so far) because we agree not to be velcroed at the hip all the time. We have common friends and interests, and we have our own separate ones. That's great.

I think you should do just what you want to do and what makes you happy, you sound like a lovely caring person, I’m sure your husband won’t think less of you because you would like to go out sometimes shopping etc, why don’t you say to him I’ve decided I’m going out shopping probably be gone most of the day, if it makes you feel less guilty birchmuesli bring back something yummy that you can both share like cupcakes and watch tv together eating them

I go out at least once a week without DH. I go to our local theatre with one friend- WI with another- various cinemas showing ballet etc live from Royal Opera House & occasional meals with a group of girlfriends.
He goes to an evening class & sometimes for a drink with a mate.
TBH I enjoy going out with him just as much but we tend to stay in unless we are going out with friends. We can then have a couple of glasses of wine & not to have to worry about who drives home!

I go out and about alone and so does DH and we sometimes go out together. I love it when he goes out because I have the house to myself and I think he feels the same when I go out. You should certainky go out when you want to. Otherwise you will resent him. Does he make you feel guilty when you go out?

Oh gillybob , I wish I could come and give you a hug and help you to find and arrange something to look forward to. I don't know what your circumstances are, so don't want to offer inappropriate advice.

I know the feeling you are describing, birchermuesli,. I have it to a certain extent too, when I go off and do something, just to get out of the house and see and talk to others than DH, who usually prefers to stay at home.

Logically, we shouldn't feel guilty, as neither your husband nor mine have ever expressed a wish that we should go out less, but logic doesn't help much here, does it?

Have you tried discussing this feeling with your husband? Probably, like mine, he will tell you there is absolutely no reason you should feel like this, as he doesn't mind in the least that you have interests outside the house.

Oh that’s so lovely Amagran thank you , but I’m afraid I’m a hopeless case

Luckily my dh and I share many interest including watching live cricket matches and other sporting events. We also take foster child out most evenings to engage in his numerous activities. We also like to dine out together now children are adult we can go when we like as they happy to babysit foster child one evening a week. I do not feel guilty if I go down to see grand children or my sisters while he carries on at work. I also go out occasionally again whilst he works.

Christ Gilly.....you sound like I was five years ago...almost suicidal. Is it really that bad. My OH drove me to drink at one time., but I managed to pull myself back from that brink . Now I spend as much time out of my own home as possible ..... my health and sanity depend on me being loose and free of household /wifely duties.