only daughter distanced herself and tgecwholecfamily followed suit.

Depends on the situation. Trespassing is a crime. And I’ve read many accounts of EAC who have called the police on their parents who are outside their door causing a scene. The police did arrive and did follow through on the reports.

What a totally ridiculous situation to get into!

You also say the whole family followed suit and they do not talk to the mother. Did I read that correctly?
I am afraid you are not getting the whole picture and fact, just only one side

Totally agree with this. If the entire family followed suit, then something she must have done something quite egregious.

Depends on the situation. Trespassing is a crime

It sure is, and if the police is called they won't look at it as a case of "poor old granny knocking on her daughters door," as implied by another poster. Everyone has a legal right to be left alone, and any continued contact after one going no contact is a form of harassment.

Did she not tell you what exactly happened that led to her daughter and the entire family cutting her off?

Cuckoo22. I have just reread all the very kind replies to my post and when I saw yours I feel so sorry that your only child has estranged herself. You are on your own so do not have the emotional support of a partner or another child. Glad you have good friends there for you. When you have been a friend for decades, gone through such a lot together, you do get a very good insight into their personality. People have said there must always be something must have caused it. I dont agree with that statement. I have friends who are very interfering with their child, but not ostracised, some just need an excuse not to bother as it doesn't suit them. If my child did that to me and was cruel, no reasons given for the estrangement just say you have really hurt me but don't want to talk about it, as in my friends case. She would have to get on with it, I would be disgusted and ashamed of her. You don't treat your mother like or anyone for that matter. So I hope you are enjoying your life Cuckoo despite your daughter. Sometimes friends can be better than some family. I love my friend and she will always be part of my life.

Going round to a home uninvited is asking for trouble.

That the whole family is NC is telling. Two sides, maybe friend should look to the other side in the transcript. There are always two stories or more.

Norah, her whole family is daughter, son in law and children 8 and 10. Asking for trouble by going once to ask your daughter if you cannot just try and put things right, is not asking for trouble, except perhaps in a police state. It is almost bullying to treat your mom in this way. It is not the way to behave with anyone. Even a murderer gets a trial. It is not just one sided, judging and cutting someone off without explanation is.

It isn't almost bullying Peonyrose it is bullying. As other posters have said, if she believed her mother to be as bad as she's now claiming, why on earth didn't she walk away years ago.

If the poor woman was good enough when she was providing free child care and financial support, she's good enough now.

I agree Smiless. If the AC had such big issues enough for her to wish to go no contact, why on earth would she be happy to leave her children with her mother! And is tge issues arose during the childcare being provided why didn't she cut off then!! Hmmm!

There is such a thing as the FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. People sometimes take years to come out of the FOG and realize that an individual is toxic. It's also possible that they've been conditioned socially to behave a certain way, and it can take years to get past that conditioning.

Sadly, there are people who are capable of being extremely charming to outsiders and absolute monsters at home. This is classic sociopath behaviour. I'm not saying that is what is necessarily happening here, but my point is that we can never truly know what happens behind closed doors. We received a Christmas card years ago from our former landlady who told us her husband had just filed for divorce. She said it was an abusive marriage from the beginning, you name it, he did it. We lived next door to them and had no idea what was happening.

I 100000% gree with agnurse.

It is almost bullying to treat your mom in this way

Really?

Bullying is trying to reach out to someone who has chosen to go no contact by any means possible, simply for the estranged wants a relationship that the estranged does not. Its sad that the daughter has cut her mother off, but I'll never understand why people fight so hard to be a part of something that they are no longer wanted or needed. And if she feels its bullying when why just not leave her alone and put an end to this alleged bullying?

Peonyrose, you come across as being heavily invested in this scenario, and only interested in seeing your "friends," point of view - I just hope that this is not a personal script of your own life, but in third party narration.

Its unnatural to try and subdue another into having a relationship that they don't want. Its not "bullying" if one wants to be left alone.

I'm not saying she's a sociopath but once again I agree with agnurse when she defines the classic sociopathic syndrome. You may have known your friend for 10 years but since her daughter isn't 10, she has obviously known her much much longer than you have/will ever know. I hope she gets some counseling.

And those asking why she didn't cut her mother at xy and z point other life, or with her kids - we all know that there's always that very last straw that finally breaks that's camels back. No one wakes up and decides to go NC for nothing, and most of the time NC occurs when the person estranging, finally realizes that the estranged will NEVER change.

At times peace comes with simply accepting the things that one has no control over, and that they can never Chang.

OK agnurse so in relation to Peonyrose's friend was it fear, obligation or guilt that made the D use her mother as her financial support and free child care giver?

You refer to "classic sociopath behaviour" and by saying that you're not saying this is the case with this poor woman, you are suggesting that it could be. Why her? Why the mother? Why not the daughter.

The daughter who appears to have taken all that she can from her mother is a much more likely candidate for sociopath behaviour.

Yes MovingOn it is almost and IMO definitely bullying to treat your mother in the way the OP's friend has been treated.

You'll "never understand why people fight so hard to be a part of something that they are no longer wanted or needed". Of course you don't because the AC you spent your life loving and caring for hasn't told you to go away and never come back.

You've never stood on your AC's door step, broken and bewildered because they refuse to have anything to do
with you and have taken away your GC.

Like agnurse you appear to be more than happy to associate sociopath behaviour with the mother in the case rather than her D.

Although I find it increasingly irritating the way agnurseappears to always leap to the defense of the estranging AC, I kind of get it because her husband is estranged from his own father.

Why do you find it necessary?

Let's remember something.
We know one side of the story, which has very few details.
We know more about how peony's friend feels about the CO, not what happened, what profanities the daughter said when the mother just appeared at her door, what kind of relationship they had growing up, etc.

This has been going on for a decade or more. Op's friend has been slowly and gradually pushed out for years. This indicates an ongoing and serious problem.

We cannot especulate anything about the financial situation- did the daughter demand it or the mother threw money at the problem hoping to see it gone?
Same with babysitting - did the daughter ask for it or it was the mother offering the daughter a break?

The only people with the answers to all our questions are not in this board.

We only ever know one side of the story and even if the mother in this case has thrown money at the situation and offered babysitting rather than the daughter asking for it, that does not alter the fact that the D took the money and her mother's offers of help when it suited her.

To allow your mother a relationship with her GC and then take it away is cruel. Goodness knows its bad enough when you were never given the chance to have a relationship with your GC.

Peonyrose This is why both you and your friend need to look for help elsewhere, on open forums like this it often turns into a bunfight with people projecting all over the place. I do think that it is over the top to suggest that knocking on the daughter's door once to ask to discuss things could be a police matter. It isn't the same as continually attempting to make contact or attempting to waylay the children. I also find it hard to understand why some people think it would be easy to just accept you aren't wanted and walk away. I do think chasing and pushing for contact isn't usually helpful but support is usually needed. Some posters just don't seem to understand how devastating estrangement can be.

Like agnurse you appear to be more than happy to associate sociopath behaviour with the mother in the case rather than her D

Read my post again and don't take my comments out of context. I'm sure you understood my point with regards to that and if not, a simple request to clarify it would suffice, as opposed to taking my words and trying to fit them into a different meaning.

Although I find it increasingly irritating the way agnurseappears to always leap to the defense of the estranging AC, I kind of get it because her husband is estranged from his own father

Why do you find it necessary?

People reserve the right to be left alone. You give a sorry description about never knowing how it feels to be shut out, am sure her AC can also comment on the mom not knowing how painful it is to be harassed after going NC. So because mom feels left out its OK to force her will onto someone else? What about her daughters feelings?

A few years ago, one of our daughters took great offence at something we did, not directly affecting her at all, but she thought we were being unfair, and this resulted in a few difficult conversations, and some nasty emails.

My husband, who hates any discord, took a day off work, and drove the three hour journey, to try and sort things out, he did tell her he was going, and she wasn’t best pleased, but he did make a bit of progress, and gradually things returned to normal

Had I heard that he’d been arrested for attempting to talk to his daughter, I wouldn’t have believed it could be possible.

Sometimes you have to keep trying, especially if you feel there’s far too much to lose

Thank you Hithere. Your post sums all of this quite we'll. There's too much judgment and speculation being based off off of a one sided story that has very little, background that's pointed towards making one party look like a villain and the other as a victim.

Refusing to be a part of someone's life is not bullying. You can't force a relationship on someone. That's abusive.

I spoke with my friend, she said she is going to try hard to rebuild her life and she has looked at this forum.
Thankyou all. I do admire you, I am just pleased you are there for each other, as sympathetic and understanding as someone who hasn't experienced the rejection, nothing compares to actually going through it, I know that.

Well said Peonyrose, I have to say, I’d never heard of no contact till the last few months, apart from my situation with my mother, which isn’t really the same, I don’t know anyone, or even heard of anyone affected by it.

I’m shocked and saddened by some of the stories I’ve read on gransnet, I don’t know how some people cope with their situations

But I still feel, that in most cases, it can’t be completely one sided, it’s hard to imagine a sound stable relationship disintegrating so completely and permanently , all seems so sad.

Just be there for your friend Peony and don't beat yourself up about what happened. You were doing your best, which is all any of us can do, and I am sure your friend appreciates all of your support. Try to encourage her to re-build her life, as best she can, by developing interests. It will take time for her to heal, but hopefully she will in time, or at least the wounds will scab over.

She needs to give her daughter some breathing space - it's the only way, difficult though it is. Please see if you can persuade her to go for counselling, as situations like this are akin to bereavement, even though the lost one is still living, and are very painful.

There is every chance that, in time, she and her daughter will be reconciled or that the DGC will get in touch, so she needs to stay well and strong. I have seen posters on other threads produce a 'memory box' with cards and photos for the DGC. Is that something you could encourage her to do. Try to encourage her to be positive but realistic.

I hope she found some help and comfort from this forum Peonyrose. If there's no change in her D's decision, the road to rebuilding her life and eventually finding peace and happiness is a long and at times difficult one.

She'll need all the help and support she can find and without a doubt she'll find it in you.

I didn't take your words out of context MovingOn or try to get them to fit into a different meaning.

Your last paragraph in last nights' post of 22.05 is an example of the point I was making.

Absolutely HEARTBREAKING. Sadly I agree with a lot of other comments that there is actually nothing you can do OP other than be a good friend.

Sometimes there simply <aren't> any reasons behind NC. (have witnessed this myself but too long and complicated to go into now and nothing to do with me directly) It could be due to mental illness (as I think is the case in the example I am thinking of) and not specifically any one thing that anybody has done.

I really don't know how you cope in such circumstances but in a practical sense you have two choices (your friend am talking about) You either sit and torment yourself for ever more wondering IF, WHY? WHAT? asking questions you may never get answers to ...OR you can try to live as great a life as you can for yourself. I am pretty sure which one I would take but am not underestimating the pain by any means.

See if your friend is open to positive suggestions about moving forward. Doesn't mean 'closing' the door, she can still send occasion cards with small gifts if she shouldn't send with the expectation of a response. This may (or may not) come in time.

I wish you both well and fwiw I would have suggested she went to see her too on the basis that face to face is better than texts or phone calls...but...no more!

Smileless your post at 19:06 is spot on...