Mumsnet discussions about estrangement

Oh that’s well known saying on MN - the advice is ‘Nethuns is that way ->’ if the OP wants everyone to agree with them. It’s not according to notanan

Smileless2012, I din't post on your estrangement threads, many feel as you do. Many feel I should try to talk to my own daughters to tell sils to talk to the sils mums. None of my business and I'd not consider getting in the middle to their estrangement. This seemed to be a different post. Enquiring about mumsnet. My idea is to see what is in the other persons shoes.

I don't know how anyone reading mumsnet can have missed the type of advice Joyfulnanna is talking about. On the relatioship boards a few long term mumsnet posters are strong advocates of NC . They advise on very little information. Having said that estrangement is an emotive subject and I have sometimes seen posts on gransnet which show poor insight. I have also seen posts from people in a lot of emotional pain. Lots of labels like "narcissist" are also thrown around easily. We never really know the truth of a situation as posts on both sites only give one side of the story. Mumsnet is quick to jump to conclusions and recommend estrangement,

I find people on "nethuns" generally more sympathetic to parents of adults than on mumsnet, there is a vibe on mumsnet that extended family aren't important.

I personally found nethuns/netmums really shocking when I browsed it but granted its been a good few years

Posters who did reckless/dangerous/downright neglectful or stupid things getting told "happy mum happy baby" etc and told to ignore concerned family members or professionals...

...but it might have changed

No-one is saying that it’s not there long, just that a)it’s not constant, b)that it’s not the default position and c)it’s a tiny minority who advocate
it at the drop of a hat with the vast majority offering alternatives (when appropriate)

Sirch.. When I used the word "constant" it was in relation to 'throwaway' remarks (like going nc). There's a difference between what you have understood by my post and what I have said. It's an easy one to misunderstand. I just wanted to express my views about what I had seen on mumsnet and I would recommend anyone to take advice on there seriously. I actually think it's damaging. I have more confidence in GN. I am not weak minded so any unhelpful comments aren't taken to heart (by the way this is not meant to offend anyone)

"wouldn't" not would

MN has a much wider membership base than GN or Netmums

What exactly did you see on MN that would warrant this thread? Remember that MN has thousands of users and many hundreds of threads each day - and within that you will see a great number of threads on a variety of the boards, and within that number you will see a tiny minority who will advocate going NC while the vast majority of posters will offer constructive alternatives. That’s the nature of online forums - and if MN isn’t for you then there are many others to pick from.

Maybe joyfulnanna thought there was some great NM Vs MN rivalry and we would all agree by default?

MN & GN are sister sites, theyre different but theres an intersection. And there are LOTS of nans on MN its not all young'uns

Sirch.. Thanks for taking the time to contribute but I'm bored now.

I have noticed more balanced responses recently on MN but I do think there is still a tendency towards advocating NC. In some situations I can see why, but sometimes it seems harsh. I think it would be frowned on to copy and paste from MN or name prolific posters from MN with strong opinions.

Notanan2 no I didn't think there was any rivalry nor did I think everyone would agree by default, I just reflected on what I had seen because it shocked me. That's OK isn't it?

I didn't think there was any rivalry either but I have found some posts about estrangement on MN shocking too. I found it useful to read as it opened my eyes to a way of thinking that surprised me. In reply to SirChengine, It's not the point to say if MN doesn't suit you find a forum that does. M N is quite influential in forming opinion and there is no point posting into an echo chamber anyway.

Our generation was brought up to tolerate our older relatives out of respect, but sometimes the respect only went one way. Many young people put up with horrible treatment , which only ended with the death of the older person. "Going no contact" would have saved a lot of heartache I'm sure

Thank you for saying this. The generation of "mini-god," parents has quickly become obsolete, and now they are shocked at how quickly they can get disposed if they are not respectful. Like someone said on here, respect no longer comes with seniority - it has to be earned. There's no point for anyone to tolerate/maintain/stay in any relationship that they deem to be abusive/toxic/makes them unhappy (for any reason) just to make another person happy. If someone doesn't want you in their lives, why do we keep pushing back?

I don't see any harm in taking advice from strangers online. Isn't that what people often do here?

Granted, I think you (general) have to mull over the advice and decide if it's right for you, maybe tweak it a little bit to better fit your personality and values.

But yes, I kind of wish our generations didn't defer so much to their parents/PILs. I would never have gone totally NC w/ MIL, no matter what anyone advised. Nor would I have kept her from seeing the grands. But I wish I had stood up to her more firmly and cut back my contact w/ her. No doubt, sometimes, AC/CIL today are cruel, but many of them are showing a courage, IMO, that I wish I had back then.

I do think it is a good thing that respect no longer automatically comes with seniority and no one should have to put up with horrible treatment from their parents. Sometimes things can swing too far in the other direction before they reach an equilibrium and I have seen grandparents spoken about as if they are naughty children. They are expected to help when asked, never express an opinion and generally be subservient. I did read a thread on MN about who should take "precendance" in a family, as if they were walking in to some sort of medieval banquet. The words "greatest status" were used.I think the ideal is mutual respect and a bit of tolerance. I think it is sad to think of family relationships in terms of status. A difficult person in any generation can enjoy weilding power.

If someone doesn't want you in their lives why do you keep pushing back? Pushing back and chasing is probably an unwise thing to do but it is similar to the way some people behave when a marriage or romantic relationship ends. It is hard just to switch off and move on when rejected by someone you love, especially when they take children who you love with them. In the long term real love means putting their feelings before your own and moving on with your own life but it takes a bit of time to get to that point. The answer is that most people love their kids

When we became aware of the lies that were being told and the almost desperate attempt to come between us and our other son, we backed off pretty quickly.

I love our ES, as does Mr. S. but my desire for us to move on with our lives was not because I was putting our ES's feelings before mine and Mr. S's; I was putting ours before his.

longtime yes, it is the point. MN isn’t a hive mind, but it’s certainly more direct than GN or Netmums probably due its size and therefore variety of views. If anyone feels that the more direct approach isn’t for them then it’s time to move on - but it’s simply not true to say that going NC is the advice of MN. You seem to be taking individual threads or posts out of many hundreds and claiming ‘the advice on MN is X’. There are individuals on here who say the most ridiculous things - that doesn’t mean GN advice is collective. Automatically deferring to your elders, or putting up with their demands out of respect for your elders is no longer the way of the world so you’ll probably see more modern ways of thinking on there - which might not chime with your own views. Families are more fluid and as a result the grandparents role as patriarch and matriarch has changed too, so again you’ll see those views reflected - but calls for instant NC is very rare on MN.

My sincere apologies if that bores you Joyful.

To be fair SirChenjin I probably am focussing on a few specific MN threads and vociferous posters. For the record, I wouldn't like to return to the days when everyone was supposed to defer to their elders however they behaved but I think the trend on MN is for things to have swung the other way. Not uniformly, just a trend. I read MN more than GN and usually like the direct approach. I do think there are a variety of reasons why estrangement happens and MN often tends to jump to conclusions. I am not advocating that anyone of any age should tolerate their lives being made a misery. I do not find advice to go NC rare on MN at all.

I think it’s the trend because it’s a younger demographic who consequently have different viewpoints to the trends on GN. They’ve probably watched their parents or grandparents defer to their parents and put up with some shocking behaviour simply because they’re elders and decided that they (the MNetters) don’t want that for their own families. Minimising contact seems to be the most common advice on MN, rather than going NC - which seems to me to be quite sensible when faced with behaviour that you wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else in your life.

You know what I remember about my grandparents?, who my mother didn't go NC with?: her complaining bitterly about them in the car on the way there and back & the terrible atmosphere between her and them during the visit.

Did I really benefit from her not going NC? She takes great pride in the fact she didnt and actually bears a huge amount of resentment which gets thrown in my face about how she spent time with them for my sake but what for? There were no happy family times with my GPs, just tension and bitching.

As for respect, I dont agree that respect "has to be earnt". I think that everyone should start off with your respect... but respect can be lost!