Advice on Dad

It's a difficult one - no doubt other grans will also identify with this situation.

It's all very understandable that he expresses the desire to just "die in the apartment" but that would mean he'd virtually die of neglect which is a horrible prospect.

If he is needing 4 hours a day now, he is obviously pretty dependent already . Even though you are 6000 miles away, you really need to take charge because he will obviously not do anything if left to his own devices.

He probably needs to be in a nursing home in the future , so you need to have that conversation with him and emphasise that he can't just "die in the apartment" .

I'd suggest that you talk to the care agency which is providing the daily care now, and find out what the next step is. Your Dad's finances will have to be looked at too - do you have Power of Attorney ?

No doubt , he never thought it would come to this ....but it has and he needs to face up to it. It's very necessary for someone to take charge, as he is not thinking clearly at the moment.

Well to be honest I think it is his decision and I feel uncomfortable with people being made to go somewhere against their will however I can also understand how you want to know your Dad is safe I can also totally understand how your dad just wants to fade away in his own bed and familiar surroundings
Because of the wording am I taking it this is in US ? I don’t think you can be made to go to a home by a company in UK

My Aunty became completely bedridden at the age of ninety plus and the Carers continued coming in 2 hours a day consisting of four visits per day (for less than half an hour each time) absolutely nothing changed, she was adamant she wanted to stay in her own home She had no immediate family (she never had children and was an only child herself) so she was totally alone between the visits and couldn’t get out of bed BUT it was her choice and she was not pushed into changing her mind She spent her last four or five years like this and quietly passed away in her own bed as she had wanted
She was compos mentos and it was her choice

Perhaps a different care agency would be able too provide the type of care that Bluebelle's aunt received. A live in carer may be the current providers policy when a client's needs become more challenging.

In the meantime it might be an idea to look at care homes, maybe in your area then at least if he has to make the move he'll be closer to you.

What a hard decision to make. You love your Dad and want him to have his last years with dignity but neither do you want to force him to go somewhere he does not want.

He has to make the choice: a live-in carer. No carer at all and then what? Or in a rest home where he is taken care of.

Is there anyone nearer whom you trust, to talk to him?

I assume you are in regular contact with him by phone or Skype even. What does HE want to do. And when he chooses, can you bear to go along with it, knowing he will be upset and angry if you go against him?

If this were me, I would fly in and speak to him face to face, explaining what he is doing to you - because there are two of you in this situation.

Even take him to look at care homes as so often it is the fear of the unknown place which makes someone reluctant to go.

I do hope you can resolve this awful situation - I feel for you and your father, not easy for either of you.

Your father is being irrational. he has reached a stage of his life when he has only has 2 options. Either he stays in his appartment until he dies, but to do that he has to accept a live in carer, or he goes into a care home.

Once he is bed-bound, his preference for staying in his appartment without full time care is not possible because it is not safe and the care agency, quite rightly do not want to take responsibility for giving unsafe care and then being held liable if anything goes wrong.

You could discuss this issue with other care agencies to see if they can come up with a package acceptable to your father, but I suspect the answer will be the same; if he is bed-bound he needs live in care.

I can understand how difficult it is for your father, but like it or not all of us have, at times, to make decisions where we choose not what we want, but what is in our best interests. For him, this is one of them.

You need to talk to your father and try and get him to understand that he can make the decisions about his future care, but the choice must be between what is possible and safe for him, and not keep hankering for solutions that are simply not suitable for a man in his condition.

A lot depends on if your father still has the mental capacity to make decisions. If so, then I don't think there is anything you can do other than gentle persuasion. But here in the UK, if medical professional say that someone does not have the mental capacity to make decisions then someone with power of attorney can make those decisions or social services would have to get involved. I would imagine that there is a similar process in the US.

Teacheranne

This is my go-to as well. I cannot speak to specific laws in the UK, but it is generally accepted that if an individual has capacity, that person has the right to informed consent - and informed refusal.

If he has full capacity, then it's his right to live as he wants, even if that puts his life at risk.

If you're concerned that your father may lack capacity, I'd suggest getting in contact with adult social services and maybe his provider. (Obviously the provider can't tell you about your father, but you can certainly let the provider know about your concerns and this can prompt the provider to do some investigations.) They may be able to begin the process of determining whether your father has capacity, or at the very least they can advise you on next steps.

My dad has decided he will go to a facility to take care of him. I think that is best.

I am glad that there has been a happy ending to your worries about your father.

Thank goodness!

That's fantastic.