Ending 20 year marriage

I had been in an abusive marriage from day one...hard to believe, but I thought things would improve. It was only the prospect of leaving that kept me going. I tried to study so that I could have a career but I have the same problem as Anniebach, so was forced to give up. I waited until I was 60, then went to Womens Aid. I now have my own little flat, the state pension and I've never felt so content.

A good friend of mine split with her husband of 30+ years 2 years ago - he moved out into a rental house, they divided their money, filed for a legal separation and were about to go down the divorce route. Suddenly, he moved back in, and she told me that they had worked out their differences. However, she has only now told me that he has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia and has no-one else to look after him. So, she is now going to be his carer for however many years it takes (she says she feels totally "trapped"). Another friend was always scared to leave her marriage but now has a chronic illness and can't (and bitterly regrets not leaving earlier as her husband is not looking after her very well). In your position, I would seek individual counselling to talk through your options. If you decide to go ahead with the split, then the counsellor can work with you re the best way to talk to your husband about it (and, hopefully, to put things in place first re protecting your interesting in the future). Don't delay - one way or the other; you never know what's around the corner (and don't underestimate the toll this unhappiness will be taking on your health).

Please just leave. Take it from someone who didn’t.....how I wish I had. As you get older, I am now 69 and ill, it gets harder and harder to leave but more and more unpleasant to stay.

When you have no children at home, no job, find it more difficult to do the things you used to, your marriage becomes a prison, and so get out whilst you still have some life left to enjoy.

Not leaving my husband for various reasons ruined my whole life and I have no one else to blame but myself.

However difficult it is please leave.....you won’t regret it.

P.S. I was seventy at the time - and now I'm 71!

I know it's scary just thinking about putting yourself out there in the world all alone again, but you can do it! I promise! I've did it six months ago and although the first few weeks had me wanting to run back home to my 'safe place' again, I stood firm and now I'm glad I'm did. It's not all a bed of roses, but the sense of personal freedom you will gain is worth the pain, so go for it!

I’m in same position. But 57 last week and 27 years married

Now is totally the right time to take that step. It sounds like you have no kids at home, just you and the dogs. And you're still under 50! It doesn't matter whose fault it is (if anyone's even at fault at all) but the fact is you're not interested in having a relationship with him, and whether or not it's mutual, you have the right to move on. We all have that right. Don't leave it till you're any older because obviously it's better to make changes while you are still young and resilient enough to deal with the upheaval. Also it's probably fairer on the DH to get it over with so he can move on too. Good luck!

Wish I could wish I could he he !

I did it 18 years ago! It was the hardest decision I ever made but I have not looked back. I had to move in with my mum, leaving the marital home and so called stability. My children understood after a while as they knew how unhappy I was. My husband was an alcoholic and the last 5 years of that marriage was very unhappy. I was 48 at the time. I subsequently met another man and we have been married for 17 years soon. He has 4 children and I have 2, all of them have been very accepting of our marriage and we have a great life together. I do not regret making that choice and it actually made me a stronger person by taking things into my own hands. Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

Yes go for it Petal I did it after 25 years, living alone was preferable to being in an unhappy relationship. If you can get your finances in order that helps. I found a little house to rent and sorted the divorce before buying a property. I worked with my ex who was technically my boss so it was doubly difficult. I have never regretted it although truthfully there were times when it was hard. Ten years down the line I met my husband and we are really happy.
Take that first step then the next one - good luck

I left a 40 year marriage when I realised I just could not stand being in it anymore. My children were adults and were so supportive they thought I should have done it years before. He was controlling ( yiu don’t realise how much until you leave) When he became violent I decided that was it. It was very difficult he fought me financially and emotionally in court but finally got a settlement. I also had him convicted of assault in a separate court( he didn’t think I would do that) Fast forward and I live near my daughters in my own flat in another area. I work part time, volunteer , have made new friends and do exactly what I like. It’s wonderful! 5 years on I’m very happy. Only regret is I didn’t do it sooner . Get good legal advice and leave

Hi Petal49!
To cut a long story short after years of arguing we split up after 25 years, tried again and split up again. Husband took it badly. It was so sad. But I knew in my heart I didn't want the marriage. The children said we should have done it years ago- it would have been better for them. There's no way to avoid hurting your husband. And only he is responsible for how he reacts, provided you are kind in how you do it, but firm.
It will be better for both of you in the long run. He will come to realise that, because although he's clinging on, he can't be happy. But he won't move on and make a new life the way things are.
I had to move to a small house compared to the lovely one we had but I was so happy (I was 47). Luckily I worked fulltime and was able to do a p/t job to pay mortgage. (civil service pay didn't cover small mortgage!) Money was tight but you cope and adjust. I joined a social group who usually did things that didn't cost much, made a new life and have had so adventures and done so much and realised how restricted and dull life had been before.. Met lovely man and now married. We still do things alone with separate friends as well as together. Much healthier.

Go for it..feel the fear and do it anyway. Life is too short for both of you to live like this.

I'm still in the same marriage of 40 years. It really doesn't work for everybody, some say I'm lucky others wonder how on earth I've done it.

Petal, your first post is a tough one for you but I say - Go for it, you only have one life. You have MANY, MANY more years left, make them happy ones, please.

As others have said you will need to work out your financial position, but just bite the bullet and start that difficult conversation sooner rather than later.

Then live that dream!

Very best wishes

I don’t think the total reason for not doing this, is because of your husband’s reaction, with all due respect. So...perhaps after taking this first step-take some more-actively look for the sort of flat that you’d like to be in...imagine being there in detail...imagine how you’d cope financially....what each day...and night..would be like on your own....how family will fit into your picture, if you have any. When you really focus on the practicalities of it, it will take you out of the ‘fantasising’ gear and make it more real. If by then, you’re still sure, I think you’ll be able to tell your decision to your husband....we only usually find that hard, when we aren’t so sure ourselves..

Do it Petal. You only have one life. Good luck.

Hi Petal49. If I can just give you some advice with regards to planning what's ahead (I have been divorced twice). If you have a joint bank account you need to sort a one out on your own before you tell your partner. If you go to a solicitor straight away it can cause awful acrimony which was not there before and I think now they ask you to go to mediation first. All very costly and only one winner there. Life is too short you need to think of yourself, you went to counselling and nothing has changed, familiarity is too easy and you lose the years, think of yourself, you have made the decision, be brave. Best of Luck.

My almost 30-year marriage ended 3 years ago. My then husband had had a series of affairs and had behaved despicably towards me, yet he was the one who, in the end, walked out. He is now on his third marriage. I divorced him and have been on my own ever since (I'd never married before and don't intend to again). I'm about to move house. Selling our former home has proved extremely stressful, but it's all been so worth it. I no longer have to wonder what he's doing or who he's doing it with behind my back. His new wife can deal with all that - as I'm sure she will have to one day. Not my problem any more. As others have said, you have one life. You deserve to be happy instead of being dragged down. It'll be hard for a good while, but you'll be so much happier in the end. All the best, and let us know how it goes.

You went for counselling 4 years ago, that must have taken courage, but nothing seems to have changed. Has he made any effort to rekindle your marriage? Do you do anything together? But maybe you just don’t love him anymore.

As you discussed things in depth 4 years ago he must be aware you are not happy and it must suit him to live with the status quo. So he should not be surprised if you told him you are going to leave. Yes he maybe upset but don’t be emotionally blackmailed into staying as you are unhappy all the time.

As others have said make a plan then go for it. I think in the end you might both be happier.

Gosh! what a very sad unhappy time you are having. I split from my 1st Hubbie after over 28yrs at about your age, not only had we drifted apart he had been unfaithful ( many times).. won't go into that here but I will say it was the best thing I did.... Had support from my kids ....

Spent a few yrs on my own, but am very happily married to the best most lovely man in the world... and sooo Happy! It may be hard to start with as you go down the splitting-up road but you must put yourself 1st. Be strong and Good Luck!

I was in a similar situation years ago, and had walked out several times to stay with family. He was always full of promises of how he would change and persuaded me to return. Nothing changed of course.

Eventually I walked out, and rented somewhere until the divorce settlement was sorted out, and then bought a house of my own cash.

You could arrange to rent somewhere and then just go when he isn't about, which would save any confrontations. Believe me once I had my own place there was no way I was going back.

Good luck it's great being independent x

Can’t advise sorry as I’m in exactly the same position but for much longer. What a waste of our lives.

Hi Petal49, if you're finding it difficult, fearing you will be upsetting your husband, maybe remembering that he only has one shot at life too will help? Treading water in a miserable environment is a waste of both your lives; you both might end up having a second shot at happiness and find fulfilment elsewhere. Go for that flat with your dogs, it sounds a whole lot better than the awfulness of a sterile marriage. Good luck.

Hello Petal, Well done for deciding to make a first step and discussing your thoughts here. I don't post much but wanted to share my story briefly as yours resonates so much with mine. I left me husband of 20 years when I was 50. I decided I didn't want to grow old with someone who I seemed to share little with. We went on luxury holidays together but apart from that I felt he was indifferent to me as I was to him. It was a tough choice - we were financially stable and it meant leaving my lovely home to move into a small flat that I could barely afford to rent independently.
Nevertheless it's what I did. He didn't like it and was constantly looking for a reason why I left. The family (grown up) were shocked and I felt as if I had let everyone down with my selfishness.
I went to counselling to work through the issues and found that helped tremendously.
Cutting a very long story short he finally agreed to a financial settlement which just about enabled me to move on and buy a little home of my own. I still felt guilty and didn't push for a 50/50 split which was a decision I felt more comfortable with. I was so excited at the possibilities for my future
My career developed and I had new interests and met new people, made new friends.
I am just about to retire now and in a very warm and caring relationship.
Clearly it's a hard thing to do but I don't regret it. Life is so precious and so short to be spent with someone who at best you may be indifferent to but which gradually changes to contempt.
In terms of where my courage came from? It came from within I guess. I had dreams of what I wanted to achieve which spurred me on.
Am I glad I left? Too Right I am!! I feel like a different person!
It can only be your choice but you only have one life. Good luck xx

It doesn't sound to me as though you really wish to part company or you'd have done it long before now. The older you get the less likely, or the more difficult it becomes to make that break and as the years go by you start thinking about " being there " should one of you fall ill.

Go for it! My ex forced me to admit we were better off on our own, it was tough but we are both way happier now and better as friends than partners. He’s found someone who makes him happy whereas I’m happy on my own with my cats, our kids still think of me as their home....both grown up, one travelling and one at uni. We were lucky to be able to split financially so neither suffered and I was able to keep our house as a base for the kids. It’s not easy by any means I had a real feeling of failure, but to quote another advert...your worth it!