Ending 20 year marriage

Hi Petal49,
I’m sorry to read your story. And I don’t normally post much, but your sadness resonated with mine about 20 years ago. Yes - have the divorce t-shirt, sadly! I’m sharing this only to show all can be resolved - if you stick at it. For several years in my 20 year marriage I’d felt alone as the ex was difficult, argumentative, awful at contributing to household finances but as we were ‘born again” Christians & supposedly faithful till death do us part, I’d decided to make the best of it. Big mistake! Not long after my 50th he started an affair with a younger Columbian woman, our son was 12 at the time. I found out, was so shocked, we made a reconciliation attempt, he said he'd finished with her. I found out he was still living with her (in another town, where he was located for work during the week), whilst lying to his family & me. Once trust is gone, there is no foundation for a relationship…so to cut short a long story we divorced. It was long, messy & painful. He was pretty nasty, accused me of all sorts, did his best to blacken my name, so he could appear to be the injured one. 2 years into divorce proceedings I moved from low income self-employment, (he wasn’t contributing financially to house or child), grudgingly returned to my better remunerated previous profession which meant moving into rental. Ugh, very hard work, tough starting over, new job, new area, new people, etc. So 19 years on now..our son lives 20 mins drive from me, successfully running his own company; has had a lot of growing up problems drugs etc, but really come out of it on the right side. Post decree absolute, (took 5 teeth clenching years to get there, both a sadness & huge relief) about 8 months after that, met someone, & we’re still in a steady relationship 13 years on, have lovely home, comfortable life,etc inc dog.
During the whole messy process outlined above - at some point a wise solicitor said ‘Ask yourself where you want to be and how you see yourself in 10 years time? Then act to achieve that aim.”
So Petal49, my thoughts for what they're worth,
In the end - if the relationship’s done for, then it will all come down to finances..so protect yourself!
1)If you haven't already done so - get a separate bank account, & know everything about your household finances, mortgage etc
2)Go to a solicitor, get a free half hour consultation (if such a thing still exists) find out your legal standing and anything else you should do to protect yourself financially. And likely costs! Try more than one, till you find one you feel confident with, and one that’s got a reputation for being tough. To be blunt, if you’re not ‘in bed’ together, the marriage is dead, so why not act before you’re confronted (maybe) with a much more difficult situation, as I was, (although we were, I thought, mistakenly 'in bed'.) Hope you won’t be, but never say never! If there are no children it’s easier too. Is there a good reason to stop you making a new independent life? Religion? Money? Disapproving friends/relatives?
2)If you can’t talk to him now, what’s his reaction going to be if you start separation/divorce proceedings? Will it get nasty - that’s why you may need an experienced family law solicitor. But if he’ll be co-operative you could cut costs and do a sensible DIY divorce.
3)Get to know as much as the solicitors, (well almost), read up about it, there’s info out there on-line.
5) Take Courage, coming from the knowledge of what’s what legally, financially.
6) What Ariana6 1st page said is great practical advice.
7) At 50 you’ve the youthful time and energy to recover from moving, re-establishing your life how you want it to be…the longer you leave it the harder it will be, both mentally and physically. And it does take time - longer than you think.
Am I glad I left - well he left, and then I had to leave the place I’d wanted to call home for ever, to survive financially. So - no choice there.
Now 20+ years on- Life is immeasurably better. It was/is worth all the hard work. You've only one life - go for it.

Can’t commet either as I am the same, how many of us are there must be loads. Been married 32 years and certain I now have depression and low self esteem because of it. I haven’t held a passport since I was 24 years of age but because my Daughter has now left home and goes abroad I sent for one 10 days ago. I will go away with her when she wants me to. My husband when I told him just looked blank like I was an alien and said what about me he will fill his in soon he said, doesn’t matter I’ll get mine and I can go with her. What is depressing is we have one life and I watched my Mam die of bladder cancer and dementia and now I am 54 it does worry me god is this it. Women who leave have a lot of courage and I admire them as especially from a financial point of view it is hard.

Petal49, first of all, welcome to Gransnet - you should find support and people who share similar experiences on here. You are obviously unhappy and your husband may also be unhappy - maybe he has his own fears of being alone, facing a future without you etc. As others have said, you need to be honest with yourself, and if you decide to take that leap be sure to have at least a basic plan in place. I think it was a sensible suggestion that you draw up a 'Pros & Cons' list...things you 'need' and things you 'want' or 'would like to have' etc. Without knowing more about your circumstances it is hard to give solid advice but things to consider would be: Is your current home rented, jointly owned or does it belong to him or you? Is your idea of a flat for yourself to rent or buy? Be aware that some rentals do not allow any pets or have limits on how many you can have. Most rentals also require a deposit and a month or two's rent in advance. Your finances are private but if you can afford to buy you need to decide where - nearby, near kids, somewhere new. If you work and have an income maybe you could afford to rent or buy regardless of any divorce settlement, or lack of it. The Citizens Advice Bureau or Benefits websites may be able to help if you need to claim benefits. Even if you have fallen out of love with your husband is there any chance of a discussion so that decisions can be made to make the split less painful for both of you. Leaving doesn't equate to heartless, and maybe it is because you once cared for and loved this man that you have stayed in the marriage as long as you have. It might be nice if you could agree on some points, even things like division of property like photos, furniture etc or were you planning to leave with just your clothes/personal bits and the dogs? Does hubby like/love the dogs too - will he miss them or want access/walks with them - or are they 'yours'? It sounds as though you have been living in limbo for long enough and if you don't want to stay in the marriage I hope you find the courage to leave and start your new, independent life..it might seem scary, but maybe you could view it more as an adventure, exciting, fresh, invigorating, positive rather than negative. I wish you well and hope both you and your husband can be happy in your 'new' lives. I hope we will continue to hear from you - this forum is good for all sorts of stuff!

I was 55 when my husband died. I found another soulmate in time and if you want to I am sure you will.
50 is not too old to change the kind of life you have ended up with.
Nowadays we could end up living into our 90s. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who gives you no joy?

I think once you’ve told him you’ll only feel relief, we are only on this earth such a short time don’t waste anymore years, live the life you want sometimes you just have to hurt someone else’s feelings, you never know it might be a relief for him too.

It always surprises me that more people do not part - it is a massive challenge to stay with one person for the whole of your life.

Gingergirl is right. Think twice about leaving. I'm a widow and older then you and it's very lonely on your own. Stop fantasising and think very carefully about how you are going to manage financially and on the pratical side.

The grass always seems greener.

Saggi, in answer to your go go go, I say no no no. Get help, see a proper counsellor. Don't use money as an excuse. DO IT.

Just remember there is nothing you can't do you could have years of true happiness ahead of you,have you a good friend to discuss any issues with ?Good Luck.

I divorced my first husband after 27 years but there's no comparison between our relationship and yours. We talked about everything, divorced amicably and still remain friends. All I would say is no one can make the decision for you, everyone's circumstances are different, some people would hate to live alone and others love it. Just think it all through, you know yourself better than anyone. Just plan carefully.

Go for it. Grit your teeth, take advice from all the other comments and enjoy your life. Being unhappy should not be your life choice, you deserve better

I left my hubby after just over 25 years and had the added complication of him having a long term illness. I had been so unhappy for several years, had got support from our doctor and health visitor and finally went for counselling together. The councillor took the unusual step of asking to see me alone after several sessions where my then hubby talked about anything and everything apart from our marriage. She basically said that she thought that he would never change now and that as I was still young enough to start a new life myself, I had to think clearly whether I should go or stay. By staying, nothing would change, possibly even get worse or leave and start over. It was so hard, but I knew I couldn’t carry on as we were. I even phoned up a careers support group and the woman on the phone said ‘there must be something in the water, everyone is phoning up with exactly the same problem!). I think I was looking for someone to give me permission to leave him and strangely enough, it was my eldest daughter who told me to go.

It was very, very hard and I was convinced the whole town would be talking about me. As he was ill, I left, taking a few things that I stored in my sisters spare room. I had no home, no job to speak of, no money. It was dire, but I got there eventually. It took me a good few years of hardship, sleeping where I could, but so worth it in the end.

As long as you know in your own heart that you have done everything possible to save your marriage you just have to go for it. It will be hard and there may even be times you think ‘should I just go back’, but things will get better. Let your family and friends help you. I am now happily married again and living in Spain. Would never have dreamt I would be where I am now. Good luck.

Hi Petal49, I have been happily divorced for 30 yrs now. I always thought he had a wandering eye but it was when he was caught out I asked him to leave, which he did quite happily after 22 yrs of marriage.
I sold the marital home and bought my own little haven which felt so good. My son was doing A levels at the time then went on to Uni so it was hard going for a while but we got through it and have never looked back.
He married 3 times before he died but I was never interested in meeting anyone else.

I did it after 30 years, best thing I ever did. I'd been miserable for years, but it never seemed like "the right time". Then I had a brush with a life-threatening disease, and after that I knew it was time to get out while I was still able.

I dreaded the actual day, so I went and got my hair done, and rehearsed my little speech. When he got home I just said it, and no matter what he said ( which was plenty) I stuck to my guns.

About a week later I found a little flat through a girl at work. Packed up my little car with my precious things and drove off to my new life.

My kids thought I was having a mid-life crisis...my husband thought I'd see sense and come back. 15 years later I've never been happier . When I see my ex at the odd family function I just think how lucky I am to be away from him.

I'd suggest that if you want to go, don't waste any more time - life is too short to waste yourself on an unhappy existence. Good luck !

Do you honestly think you will be happier on your own, or does your happiness depend on finding someone else to share your life with?
If it is the former, work out your finances and make the break.
If it is the latter, you may end up just as unhappy and frustrated, and alone.
Can you lead an independent life while remaining married?
Think very carefully.

The number of posts on this thread speaks volumes, doesn’t it? I’m on my second marriage to a man who has always been wary of emotions, has problems opening up to people.
I thought I could overcome these issues with love and commitment but after more than 10 years together and nearly 8 years of marriage I have nothing left to give. He has
complex mental health issues. Anger, depression, self pity -
I’ve had it all.
We are still living together, waiting for the house to sell. I’ve moved on emotionally but feel he just doesn’t want to face up to what has happened. There is no closeness, we hardly talk . I feel sad for him because he has little contact with other people including his family, but we all have choices.
At nearly 70 I look forward to the freedom I have not had in this relationship, spending time with friends and family.
We only have one life.....

Hi Petal49
Agree life'a too short.
But please to borrow a phrase from Mumsnet get 'Your Ducks in a row.'

As others have advised,
A free 1/2 hour interview with a solicitor.
He/she will be able to explain your entitlements regarding pensions, house, joint money etc.
Also move some money into personal bank account.

Hopefully you will then have a plan and will also be able to budget for new home and will have an idea what your out-goings could be as a single person.
Good luck

I would say if this is the end of your marriage then get your finances in order and accommodation also be aware there will still be times ahead when you are lonely and question have you done the right thing however if you are sure go ahead I did it 9 years ago we had been together 27years I was in my early 50s and I look back now and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner but I put other people's happiness mainly my children's before my own but better late than never

Think I've read every comment. My first marriage ended after 20 years. I'd had enough and it took me. 5 years to actually get the courage to end it, knowing it would be messy, and I'd lose all his family that had been mine. I'd waited so long because of the children. It was so hard that 1st year. He didn't pay a penny towards the children, and I was on a low wage - but I never regretted it. The only thing I miss is having someone to say ' you remember this 'in regards to the children, and sharing the joy of our grandchild.
My 2nd marriage lasted 13 years. He cheated and got someone else pregnant. In this regard it was shattering because I loved him very much. I also then found out I was his 3rd wife and not 2nd, and he had a son after telling me he had no children when we met and giving me grief because I couldn't have more children.
It's taken me 18 months to put my life together, I recently rented a room which has worked well, I made new friends, volunteered one day a week at a charity shop, and had my children and grandchild to focus on.

I love being on my own now, no tension, worry, stress. And I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship, but thats okay. I go to counselling, and try not to look back.

Funnily enough my ex and I still talk and see each other - and I see him for what he is. I won't ever go back now.
Life is brief. Every day is a new day of opportunities. You can be lonely in a marriage too, at least being lonely on your own is down to you and what you do to change it. I've never been more at peace now. I'm 55 - and a lot to look ahead too. If the love has gone it's gone, but try to retain a friendship and be amicable.

Some people here are saying they should have left or want to. What is stopping you? Be brave. do it.

I left mine at age 44. Took youngest son aged 9 the eldest stayed with his dad, he was 19. I went and lived with my brother. My husband kept the matrimonial home. It wasn’t easy, money worries etc. But worth it. 30 years on my ex and I are good friends, I remarried as he did, but his wife died. I had to leave as life wasn’t at all good. Nevertheless it was difficult and a struggle. No regrets.

We only get one shot at this life - if there's something you want to do find every way you can t make your dreams come true - it may not be easy but with careful planning anything can be achieved. Try to be kind to,your husband - the more amicable a split can be the better for the future. Look after yourself - I hope all goes well for you.

I empathise with Saggi &Karinu. Now have health issues so am stuck. Should have gone in mid forties. Controlling jealous husband. Now he appears to be “ losing it”. You don’t realise the “control” initially. Men of a certain age can think it is normal and also they seem to have no conscience of what they do/act.

Well, after reading all your kind replies, last night I bit the bullet and had that conversation with him. I felt sick before I did it, and did think about doing it the following day, but I realised I was just putting off doing it because I knew it was going to be difficult. So I made myself do it. He was really upset as I had suspected he would be, but I remained firm.

I feel incredibly selfish also, that I am putting him through this, but also trying to remember that its ok to put myself first instead of always putting him first. It’s a strange feeling!

And in answer to some question, no we have no kids so that’s a good thing in this instance, just us to worry about.
And Yes I agree with the comments about our counselling, in hindsight she wasn’t at all good. I was hoping she would either help me to decide I wanted to stay and be happy in that decision, or to decide it was right to go our separate ways. She did neither of those things, I felt like everything that had started to come out got shoved back in a box and the lid hammered back on, nothing resolved.

Felt relieved after I had done it, this morning felt very strange. And I’ve been a bit up and down today, tearful at times but trying to stay focused on the long term, and keep my little flat in mind.
I think we are both going to be better off in the long run, its just very hard for both of us at the moment.

Thankyou all for all your kind words, you really did make a big difference. Its just so nice knowing I’m not alone, that others have done this and not only survived to tell the tale, but been very happy and fulfilled 

Glad you felt brave enough to make a decision Petal! You will have times you feel lonely and strange on your own, but that's just because of the changes in your life, not because you did the wrong thing. We all feel a bit funny inside when our home changes, people leave, or we leave, and we all adapt after a while