Ending 20 year marriage

I was 45 when my marriage ended after 25 years. I lived on my own for 2 years and then met my now lovely husband and am very happy. I feel very lucky but it wasn't always plain sailing by a long way. I was told by a friend The Grass Is Not Always Greener On The Other Side It Still Needs Cutting. I found that advice very apt for me. Good Luck with whatever you decide.

I ended my first marriage after 19 years due to my husband’s drinking. It took a lot of courage but at the end of the day I feared for my sanity and didn’t want to leave it too late to find happiness. I am now married to the most wonderful man who fortunately adores me too!

That is just such good advice, I did this before I split with my ex partner.
When we are unhappy it affects our whole life and can make us ill.
Check what you have what you can afford and tell him once you have sorted it all out.
You will have more courage then.

I was also 50. Best thing (other than my children) that happened in my life. Now nearly 18 years later I live on a narrow boat...bought 2 years ago after working hard and saving. I am alone...except for two cats. I have done so much in the past 18 years that I would never have done. Go for it...enjoy your life. There is a whole wide world out there waiting for you.

Chocolatenoodles8.Quote 'he wasn't interested in sex with me'!!! Who then was he interested in sex with.?Patient you to have tolerated this for as long as you did.

I kept putting it off and I regret that because I met someone whilst I was still married which gave me the impetus to leave but obviously it was more traumatic all round. The other downside to doing it the way I did was that it gave my ex a gold plated ‘reason’ to paint me as the bad guy, to this day he refuses to acknowledge that the reasons for the breakdown of our 20+year marriage are shared, he says it’s all down to me betraying him. I have now been with the man I left him for for 15 years and married for 7.

Not so easy to find someone new or making that the reason to leave. I have been divorced for 12 years and still not met anyone that I can feel fulfilled with. I have however found “myself” and am happy on the inside on my own and only now feel ready to share that with someone again. If you leave look at doing something they lifts your own spirits and makes you feel good about your life again. The rest will just fall into place. Good luck x

Not everyone can stay together, even though it's expected.

Relationships can come to an end as we change; we don't stay static all our lives.

Be sure in yourself, as much as you can be, about what you really want and, if you don't meet someone else, will you be happy to live alone?

Would you miss that 'someone around', even though your relationship has changed?

I think some honest discussion is needed between you.

Do you actually talk to each other. You have all already been for counselling four years ago are you at the same point as you were then, if so did it help? Apparently not. I would suggest you make two list. One list would be all the things that would make you happy and the other list would be all the things that make you miserable or is lacking in your marriage. Then ask your husband to make his two list.
You read his and he can read yours. When you read his list tick off the things you agree with put a x on the things you don’t agree with. If you both do the same there just maybe room for you both to improve matters. However if there is no hope when you both compare each other’s list. Then you can say what is the point of staying together.

One does not necessarily leave a relationship in order to find another partner. I lived alone for 10 years happily for the most part before meeting my second husband. It has helped me as I am independent and am not scared of being alone.

Ive sent u a message :-)

My daughter ended her marriage just before Christmas when she found her husband was cheating on her. The first thing she did was talk to a solicitor. They advised she gave her husband three days to pack up and leave. He did this and went straight to his mistress's home. So, my advice is to make an appointment with a solicitor and they will guide you how to proceed. Good luck. You deserve happiness.

I think the challenges of a long and monogamous relationship are very rarely , if ever, discussed.

Abuse should never be tolerated. Infidelity , it seems some people recover from it?

It's not easy being alone, its not easy being with somebody.

Hi Petal, I can only echo what others have said here, so much good advice. My marriage ended after 25 years. I wanted out but took a long time to make a move partly due to his sapping my belief in myself and also due to our children and the timing of their various exams. I didn’t want to add stress. I did use that time however to save a secret escape fund. Don’t let others control your life. I remember a ‘friend’ saying “if you think things are bad now, it’ll be a lot worse when you’re on your own” What a load of crap! I felt like a huge weight had been lifted the day we split! Yes it’s strange and unknown at first but I also felt relief and calm, without all the stressful thoughts going through my head. My advice would be to do it. You will find the person you are now will change and when you’re out of that environment you will cope and start to enjoy life again. My life has been transformed in the 10 years since my divorce. You may find your husband copes very well too- mine was married again within a year (how long had he known her !) He’s now with his third wife.

Do it Petal49! You will only regret it if you leave it until you feel too old to leave. Wasted years. I knew a woman a few years ago who worked for me. She was full of life and wanted to do all sorts of things. Her husband didn’t. In the end, she took night classes, got a better job,left her husband and met someone else. They now live in Rumania and she visited us last year. She is very happy and living with someone that enjoys the same things in life. It can be done.

Life is just too short not to enjoy it and if you are healthy that is a bonus. Take the chance and good luck x

I echo all the comments from GNs, make it your project and go for it. I wouldn’t worry too much about your husband post divorce; every couple I know, without exception, that have divorced or where the wife has died, the husband has some way or another found a replacement within a relatively short time. Even the most unlikely ones. Good luck!

As someone else had said .... "Set yourself free" !
This ain't a rehearsal.....!!!!!!

I last 25 years l decided l wanted the next 25 to be for me. Best thing l done and that was 17 years ago. I live alone never married again but thats fine with me. Go for it.

You are right Readymeals I should've said in my post it would've been resolved one way or the other.

You have tried to alter things to no avail,you have a clear view of what you want ;your own flat and your dogs.i divorced at 50 after 28 years of marriage in 2006, I look back and realise apart from my sons and the first 5 years of marriage my marriage drained the life out of me.I wasted 23 years of my life. Breaking up isn't easy but if you were content in it you wouldn't want to leave.i wish you luck and make sure you have people to support you if you decide to leave

Do not hesitate to leave once you’ve sorted out your finances. Five years ago I left my ex husband after nearly 43 years to be with a widower I’d been seeing for 10 years! We were at school together in the sixties (thank you, Friends Reunited!) and we have a semi detached marriage as his main home is in France and I have a flat in Torquay.

Initially, I worried about finances and coping with things that my ex had always taken care of but it’s proved to be easier than I had feared. My three children have adjusted well to my new man although it was hardest for the daughter who had alerted my ex to the affair.

I would say go ahead while you have youth and health on your side! Good luck!

We wen to marriage guidance - more than once - discussion there enabled me to tell him it wasn’t going to work and that we should split, best thing I ever did. Go for it if it’s what you want, not easy but if you have been this unhappy and distant for so long it doesn’t sound as if much is going to change for you both. We only get one life and shouldn’t waste it - good luck

We only live once and owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. We are not responsible for others happiness as they are not responsible for ours. It’s in both your heart and your head to go ... so you must. I gave my 1st marriage 12 years, then my 2nd, 10 years.... there will not be a 3rd and I am ecstatically drunk on my freedom. No one trying to control me or drag me down with their issues, I have found an inner happiness I never knew existed. A relationship must be 50/50 and I always felt I was giving a lot more in both marriages. None of us know how long we are here for, so go and find some peace of mind while you still can. Good luck ......

Oh Petal....your marriage sounds so like mine...but my misery has gone on for 20 years. We’ve been married 45 and we’re happy for 25 of them. But the last 20 have been dire. I made excuses....I stayed coz my youngest was still at school ....then he went off to uni and even he told me to leave his dad and asked how I could stand the way I was being treated. No love ...no respect ... no affection left for us. Then as I was about to leave (deposit on flat paid for by my mother )... my husband had a stroke. Not a bad one but enough to evoke sympathy from everybody ...so I stayed , I thought just give him coupla years to get himself sorted , and I’d update my plan and go. No such thing happened ...he made a decision to stay an invalid. Wouldn’t do his physio...wouldn’t get walking ( did when I wasn’t there I was told )....wouldn’t take medication...wouldn’t keep docs appointments .. he went out of his way to make me his skivvy and prisoner, and I obliged him. I’m still here ...I hate myself for it, and my life. Go now...go go go . Dont let fear defeat you.

Oh Saggi that's so very sad.

I imagine you've looked into solutions like getting him carers and still going ahead with your plans?

We only have one life.