Ending 20 year marriage

I think the challenges of a long and monogamous relationship are very rarely , if ever, discussed.

Abuse should never be tolerated. Infidelity , it seems some people recover from it?

It's not easy being alone, its not easy being with somebody.

My daughter ended her marriage just before Christmas when she found her husband was cheating on her. The first thing she did was talk to a solicitor. They advised she gave her husband three days to pack up and leave. He did this and went straight to his mistress's home. So, my advice is to make an appointment with a solicitor and they will guide you how to proceed. Good luck. You deserve happiness.

Ive sent u a message :-)

One does not necessarily leave a relationship in order to find another partner. I lived alone for 10 years happily for the most part before meeting my second husband. It has helped me as I am independent and am not scared of being alone.

Do you actually talk to each other. You have all already been for counselling four years ago are you at the same point as you were then, if so did it help? Apparently not. I would suggest you make two list. One list would be all the things that would make you happy and the other list would be all the things that make you miserable or is lacking in your marriage. Then ask your husband to make his two list.
You read his and he can read yours. When you read his list tick off the things you agree with put a x on the things you don’t agree with. If you both do the same there just maybe room for you both to improve matters. However if there is no hope when you both compare each other’s list. Then you can say what is the point of staying together.

Not everyone can stay together, even though it's expected.

Relationships can come to an end as we change; we don't stay static all our lives.

Be sure in yourself, as much as you can be, about what you really want and, if you don't meet someone else, will you be happy to live alone?

Would you miss that 'someone around', even though your relationship has changed?

I think some honest discussion is needed between you.

Not so easy to find someone new or making that the reason to leave. I have been divorced for 12 years and still not met anyone that I can feel fulfilled with. I have however found “myself” and am happy on the inside on my own and only now feel ready to share that with someone again. If you leave look at doing something they lifts your own spirits and makes you feel good about your life again. The rest will just fall into place. Good luck x

I kept putting it off and I regret that because I met someone whilst I was still married which gave me the impetus to leave but obviously it was more traumatic all round. The other downside to doing it the way I did was that it gave my ex a gold plated ‘reason’ to paint me as the bad guy, to this day he refuses to acknowledge that the reasons for the breakdown of our 20+year marriage are shared, he says it’s all down to me betraying him. I have now been with the man I left him for for 15 years and married for 7.

Chocolatenoodles8.Quote 'he wasn't interested in sex with me'!!! Who then was he interested in sex with.?Patient you to have tolerated this for as long as you did.

I was also 50. Best thing (other than my children) that happened in my life. Now nearly 18 years later I live on a narrow boat...bought 2 years ago after working hard and saving. I am alone...except for two cats. I have done so much in the past 18 years that I would never have done. Go for it...enjoy your life. There is a whole wide world out there waiting for you.

That is just such good advice, I did this before I split with my ex partner.
When we are unhappy it affects our whole life and can make us ill.
Check what you have what you can afford and tell him once you have sorted it all out.
You will have more courage then.

I ended my first marriage after 19 years due to my husband’s drinking. It took a lot of courage but at the end of the day I feared for my sanity and didn’t want to leave it too late to find happiness. I am now married to the most wonderful man who fortunately adores me too!

I was 45 when my marriage ended after 25 years. I lived on my own for 2 years and then met my now lovely husband and am very happy. I feel very lucky but it wasn't always plain sailing by a long way. I was told by a friend The Grass Is Not Always Greener On The Other Side It Still Needs Cutting. I found that advice very apt for me. Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Just to add my experiences/suggestions. Similar marriage situation to yours, separation was inevitable, BUT my husband chose to get a new partner 1) when I was in hospital having major surgery 2) spend loads of money on a trip to S America with new partner 3) shortly before I was due to retire. After the split involving moving home etc I suffered with depression for about 12 months (never thought it would happen to me!). Now 7 years on, we are OK friends (easier for the children at family events where he and I both attend but not his partner) and I love my new life.
Advice - Minimise the trauma - Choose a time, soon, when you have NO OTHER BIG LIFE EVENTS & pack up now any things of particular sentimental importance to you. Keep a very close eye on your finances. I requested just one thing from my children, that his partner should not be called Grandma or similar. That has worked well.

Petal49 You do not mention children so assume ?there are none in your marriage.What initially drew you together? Your husband does not from what you describe appear be as dissatisfied with this relationship as yourself. You want affection why not ? are not we all entitled to be loved and wanted. Maybe he feels unable, in his mind,to come up to expectations, inadequate ? hence no sex.We are all different and you should not look at other relationships and expect how another ended their marriage to work for you. My only advice is that you obtain professional help from those with the expertise ,have heard it all before, to help you end this what seems a no hope of a marriage and what it will financially involve.
It may be long haul but then breakups very rare come easy.

Petal 49
I divorced my first husband after a 19yr marriage that was only happy in the early years. He wasn’t interested in sex with me. Ten years of zero affection, I plucked up the courage to go and see a solicitor. Solicitor wrote to husband advising divorce proceedings had begun and that we were now Tenants in Common.
I was on my own with my children for five years before meeting a lovely man. We’ve now been married for 24 years. I found happiness at last, and I hope you will too.

Being alone together is horrible. Have you thought long and hard and envisaged what life would be like living alone, and without OH? If this feels right, then why cling to what is wrong for you.? You have dreams of meeting someone else and being happy - this really says it all. You can likely realise that longing but first you must take some of this excellent advice given above; check finances, see where you could live, and then bite the bullet with your OH. Good luck - be brave!

Peta I was married for 22 years to first husband now 13 to second and huge huge difference.

Breeze, slight correction. If it had worked they would have either been back in the same bed or separated, because counselling is meant to help people find out what they really feel and have the determination to act on it.

Just an extra point. In my opinion, it is important to find a good Solicitor, who specialises in Family Law, asap. Some people say getting Solicitors involved causes acrimony. That doesn’t need to happen. Remember, you need to listen to their advice and take a lot of it, but you don’t have to agree with every bit and you can insist that they modify their approach. It is really important to have good legal advice early though. I am pretty ‘on-the-ball’, but my Solicitor raised issues and points that I would never have thought of. Without her, I could easily have ended up paying my ex 1/3rd of my pension (lump sum and monthly amount). With her advice, instead, I took on a £10,000 loan and paid off a credit card of my husband’s, as it made things much easier for him and when I retired I had my own pension. That’s just one example. I really can’t recommend a good Solicitor enough.

Peta I was unhappy in my marriage but believed I had made the commitment so I had to soldier on and make the best of it. I would probably have carried on in this unhappy state too except I found out my husband had been having an affair. This instead of making me sad made me feel relief. Relief because now i had a justified reason for ending my marriage.It was hard because we had three children together, a home and a business we both worked in together although me part-time. It was difficult going through the divorce but mostly because my husband suddenly decided he wanted to remain married to me, stopped seeing woman he had affair with, but I was adamant I was not taking him back after being unfaithful to me. It took a year to get through the divorce and financial settlement, again mostly because my husband kept telling judge he did not want divorce. Eventually I got my divorce and husband had moved out but still refusing me 50% of business even though I had 50% shares. Out the other side my life transformed. My sister commented she had got her sister back again. The relief of not having to pretend everything was ok when i was miserable inside was enormous. A year on and to my surprise I met someone else and life is wonderful. My new husband treats me with respect, makes me feel special and life is a joy to live again. If my first husband had not cheated I would probably still be with him and miserable. I only wish I had plucked up courage to divorce him 10 years earlier. If you are not happy life is not worth living. It can be so much better living alone than living in misery. Only you can do it but on Gransnet we can support you as you go through the process. Don't waste your life, you could have so much more. Go for it and set yourself free. I have never regretted my decision for one second even before I found new partner.

The counselling you had didn't really work did it. You ended up staying reluctantly. If it had worked, you would've been back in the same bed. Not that being with someone is all about a sex life, but you were still young. As you get older it's more about being with your best friend for many. You didn't explain fully 'how' your husband 'didn't take it well'. I hope he didn't bully you into submission.

If you feel sorry for him, not afraid of him, I would sit him down and explain you've tried but you cannot continue. Let him absorb the news, then sit down again later to decide how to divide up your assets etc. Best not to do it at the same time as he may be angry and spiteful and not open to a sensible discussion.

Just be sure it's really what you want and not a mid life crisis where you are questioning your life and thinking it will be exciting out there. When you said you love the idea of being by yourself in a flat with your dogs, I thought that if you would rather be alone than with him, then it does sound as though you no longer love or like him and would rather be by yourself than under the same roof. So it does seem it's not a mid life crisis but do be sure before you act. You could meet someone else with bigger faults. Or you could be lonely by yourself if you don't plan to meet anyone else. Grass is greener and all that. Just be sure. Then if you are, act.

All I would say, is that if you are sure in your own mind that you want to part company, don’t just stay because it’s the easier option. Get as much advice, and as much planning done as possible in advance of telling your husband, so you don’t spend any longer with him than you have to, once he knows you are going. I wish you luck with your plans.

Sorry, that should have read "protecting your interests in the future". That includes, of course, getting legal advice. Personally, I would do all this before telling him - unlike my cousin who tipped off her husband too early, allowing him to hide lots of his money from the divorce lawyers!

I understand. I was 49 (a few months of 50) when I ended my 29 year marriage for the same sort of reasons. I also dreaded telling my then husband. When I did so, I was crying, he was ‘fine’!

Once it had sunk in though, he reacted badly, initially trying (not very hard) to make me reconsider, then becoming verbally aggressive, threatening suicide and telephoning our adult children, telling them I was being a bitch, ripping him off and leaving him with very little. This was not even slightly true. Since I earned more than him, he walked away with more than me and I was trying to be as kind as possible! The process of the divorce, separating the house and finances was also a nightmare.

I am now 11 years on, and it’s been absolutely worth every difficult moment! I am happily married to my soul mate. We have a lovely life together. I’d say, be ready for the dramas and the stress of the practical side, and hold on to the knowledge that this is the right thing and it will be worth it!

Good luck!