Ending 20 year marriage

Hi Petal49, I have been happily divorced for 30 yrs now. I always thought he had a wandering eye but it was when he was caught out I asked him to leave, which he did quite happily after 22 yrs of marriage.
I sold the marital home and bought my own little haven which felt so good. My son was doing A levels at the time then went on to Uni so it was hard going for a while but we got through it and have never looked back.
He married 3 times before he died but I was never interested in meeting anyone else.

I left my hubby after just over 25 years and had the added complication of him having a long term illness. I had been so unhappy for several years, had got support from our doctor and health visitor and finally went for counselling together. The councillor took the unusual step of asking to see me alone after several sessions where my then hubby talked about anything and everything apart from our marriage. She basically said that she thought that he would never change now and that as I was still young enough to start a new life myself, I had to think clearly whether I should go or stay. By staying, nothing would change, possibly even get worse or leave and start over. It was so hard, but I knew I couldn’t carry on as we were. I even phoned up a careers support group and the woman on the phone said ‘there must be something in the water, everyone is phoning up with exactly the same problem!). I think I was looking for someone to give me permission to leave him and strangely enough, it was my eldest daughter who told me to go.

It was very, very hard and I was convinced the whole town would be talking about me. As he was ill, I left, taking a few things that I stored in my sisters spare room. I had no home, no job to speak of, no money. It was dire, but I got there eventually. It took me a good few years of hardship, sleeping where I could, but so worth it in the end.

As long as you know in your own heart that you have done everything possible to save your marriage you just have to go for it. It will be hard and there may even be times you think ‘should I just go back’, but things will get better. Let your family and friends help you. I am now happily married again and living in Spain. Would never have dreamt I would be where I am now. Good luck.

Go for it. Grit your teeth, take advice from all the other comments and enjoy your life. Being unhappy should not be your life choice, you deserve better

I divorced my first husband after 27 years but there's no comparison between our relationship and yours. We talked about everything, divorced amicably and still remain friends. All I would say is no one can make the decision for you, everyone's circumstances are different, some people would hate to live alone and others love it. Just think it all through, you know yourself better than anyone. Just plan carefully.

Just remember there is nothing you can't do you could have years of true happiness ahead of you,have you a good friend to discuss any issues with ?Good Luck.

Saggi, in answer to your go go go, I say no no no. Get help, see a proper counsellor. Don't use money as an excuse. DO IT.

Gingergirl is right. Think twice about leaving. I'm a widow and older then you and it's very lonely on your own. Stop fantasising and think very carefully about how you are going to manage financially and on the pratical side.

The grass always seems greener.

It always surprises me that more people do not part - it is a massive challenge to stay with one person for the whole of your life.

I think once you’ve told him you’ll only feel relief, we are only on this earth such a short time don’t waste anymore years, live the life you want sometimes you just have to hurt someone else’s feelings, you never know it might be a relief for him too.

I was 55 when my husband died. I found another soulmate in time and if you want to I am sure you will.
50 is not too old to change the kind of life you have ended up with.
Nowadays we could end up living into our 90s. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who gives you no joy?

Petal49, first of all, welcome to Gransnet - you should find support and people who share similar experiences on here. You are obviously unhappy and your husband may also be unhappy - maybe he has his own fears of being alone, facing a future without you etc. As others have said, you need to be honest with yourself, and if you decide to take that leap be sure to have at least a basic plan in place. I think it was a sensible suggestion that you draw up a 'Pros & Cons' list...things you 'need' and things you 'want' or 'would like to have' etc. Without knowing more about your circumstances it is hard to give solid advice but things to consider would be: Is your current home rented, jointly owned or does it belong to him or you? Is your idea of a flat for yourself to rent or buy? Be aware that some rentals do not allow any pets or have limits on how many you can have. Most rentals also require a deposit and a month or two's rent in advance. Your finances are private but if you can afford to buy you need to decide where - nearby, near kids, somewhere new. If you work and have an income maybe you could afford to rent or buy regardless of any divorce settlement, or lack of it. The Citizens Advice Bureau or Benefits websites may be able to help if you need to claim benefits. Even if you have fallen out of love with your husband is there any chance of a discussion so that decisions can be made to make the split less painful for both of you. Leaving doesn't equate to heartless, and maybe it is because you once cared for and loved this man that you have stayed in the marriage as long as you have. It might be nice if you could agree on some points, even things like division of property like photos, furniture etc or were you planning to leave with just your clothes/personal bits and the dogs? Does hubby like/love the dogs too - will he miss them or want access/walks with them - or are they 'yours'? It sounds as though you have been living in limbo for long enough and if you don't want to stay in the marriage I hope you find the courage to leave and start your new, independent life..it might seem scary, but maybe you could view it more as an adventure, exciting, fresh, invigorating, positive rather than negative. I wish you well and hope both you and your husband can be happy in your 'new' lives. I hope we will continue to hear from you - this forum is good for all sorts of stuff!

Can’t commet either as I am the same, how many of us are there must be loads. Been married 32 years and certain I now have depression and low self esteem because of it. I haven’t held a passport since I was 24 years of age but because my Daughter has now left home and goes abroad I sent for one 10 days ago. I will go away with her when she wants me to. My husband when I told him just looked blank like I was an alien and said what about me he will fill his in soon he said, doesn’t matter I’ll get mine and I can go with her. What is depressing is we have one life and I watched my Mam die of bladder cancer and dementia and now I am 54 it does worry me god is this it. Women who leave have a lot of courage and I admire them as especially from a financial point of view it is hard.

Hi Petal49,
I’m sorry to read your story. And I don’t normally post much, but your sadness resonated with mine about 20 years ago. Yes - have the divorce t-shirt, sadly! I’m sharing this only to show all can be resolved - if you stick at it. For several years in my 20 year marriage I’d felt alone as the ex was difficult, argumentative, awful at contributing to household finances but as we were ‘born again” Christians & supposedly faithful till death do us part, I’d decided to make the best of it. Big mistake! Not long after my 50th he started an affair with a younger Columbian woman, our son was 12 at the time. I found out, was so shocked, we made a reconciliation attempt, he said he'd finished with her. I found out he was still living with her (in another town, where he was located for work during the week), whilst lying to his family & me. Once trust is gone, there is no foundation for a relationship…so to cut short a long story we divorced. It was long, messy & painful. He was pretty nasty, accused me of all sorts, did his best to blacken my name, so he could appear to be the injured one. 2 years into divorce proceedings I moved from low income self-employment, (he wasn’t contributing financially to house or child), grudgingly returned to my better remunerated previous profession which meant moving into rental. Ugh, very hard work, tough starting over, new job, new area, new people, etc. So 19 years on now..our son lives 20 mins drive from me, successfully running his own company; has had a lot of growing up problems drugs etc, but really come out of it on the right side. Post decree absolute, (took 5 teeth clenching years to get there, both a sadness & huge relief) about 8 months after that, met someone, & we’re still in a steady relationship 13 years on, have lovely home, comfortable life,etc inc dog.
During the whole messy process outlined above - at some point a wise solicitor said ‘Ask yourself where you want to be and how you see yourself in 10 years time? Then act to achieve that aim.”
So Petal49, my thoughts for what they're worth,
In the end - if the relationship’s done for, then it will all come down to finances..so protect yourself!
1)If you haven't already done so - get a separate bank account, & know everything about your household finances, mortgage etc
2)Go to a solicitor, get a free half hour consultation (if such a thing still exists) find out your legal standing and anything else you should do to protect yourself financially. And likely costs! Try more than one, till you find one you feel confident with, and one that’s got a reputation for being tough. To be blunt, if you’re not ‘in bed’ together, the marriage is dead, so why not act before you’re confronted (maybe) with a much more difficult situation, as I was, (although we were, I thought, mistakenly 'in bed'.) Hope you won’t be, but never say never! If there are no children it’s easier too. Is there a good reason to stop you making a new independent life? Religion? Money? Disapproving friends/relatives?
2)If you can’t talk to him now, what’s his reaction going to be if you start separation/divorce proceedings? Will it get nasty - that’s why you may need an experienced family law solicitor. But if he’ll be co-operative you could cut costs and do a sensible DIY divorce.
3)Get to know as much as the solicitors, (well almost), read up about it, there’s info out there on-line.
5) Take Courage, coming from the knowledge of what’s what legally, financially.
6) What Ariana6 1st page said is great practical advice.
7) At 50 you’ve the youthful time and energy to recover from moving, re-establishing your life how you want it to be…the longer you leave it the harder it will be, both mentally and physically. And it does take time - longer than you think.
Am I glad I left - well he left, and then I had to leave the place I’d wanted to call home for ever, to survive financially. So - no choice there.
Now 20+ years on- Life is immeasurably better. It was/is worth all the hard work. You've only one life - go for it.

Oh Saggi that's so very sad.

I imagine you've looked into solutions like getting him carers and still going ahead with your plans?

We only have one life.

Oh Petal....your marriage sounds so like mine...but my misery has gone on for 20 years. We’ve been married 45 and we’re happy for 25 of them. But the last 20 have been dire. I made excuses....I stayed coz my youngest was still at school ....then he went off to uni and even he told me to leave his dad and asked how I could stand the way I was being treated. No love ...no respect ... no affection left for us. Then as I was about to leave (deposit on flat paid for by my mother )... my husband had a stroke. Not a bad one but enough to evoke sympathy from everybody ...so I stayed , I thought just give him coupla years to get himself sorted , and I’d update my plan and go. No such thing happened ...he made a decision to stay an invalid. Wouldn’t do his physio...wouldn’t get walking ( did when I wasn’t there I was told )....wouldn’t take medication...wouldn’t keep docs appointments .. he went out of his way to make me his skivvy and prisoner, and I obliged him. I’m still here ...I hate myself for it, and my life. Go now...go go go . Dont let fear defeat you.

We only live once and owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. We are not responsible for others happiness as they are not responsible for ours. It’s in both your heart and your head to go ... so you must. I gave my 1st marriage 12 years, then my 2nd, 10 years.... there will not be a 3rd and I am ecstatically drunk on my freedom. No one trying to control me or drag me down with their issues, I have found an inner happiness I never knew existed. A relationship must be 50/50 and I always felt I was giving a lot more in both marriages. None of us know how long we are here for, so go and find some peace of mind while you still can. Good luck ......

We wen to marriage guidance - more than once - discussion there enabled me to tell him it wasn’t going to work and that we should split, best thing I ever did. Go for it if it’s what you want, not easy but if you have been this unhappy and distant for so long it doesn’t sound as if much is going to change for you both. We only get one life and shouldn’t waste it - good luck

Do not hesitate to leave once you’ve sorted out your finances. Five years ago I left my ex husband after nearly 43 years to be with a widower I’d been seeing for 10 years! We were at school together in the sixties (thank you, Friends Reunited!) and we have a semi detached marriage as his main home is in France and I have a flat in Torquay.

Initially, I worried about finances and coping with things that my ex had always taken care of but it’s proved to be easier than I had feared. My three children have adjusted well to my new man although it was hardest for the daughter who had alerted my ex to the affair.

I would say go ahead while you have youth and health on your side! Good luck!

You have tried to alter things to no avail,you have a clear view of what you want ;your own flat and your dogs.i divorced at 50 after 28 years of marriage in 2006, I look back and realise apart from my sons and the first 5 years of marriage my marriage drained the life out of me.I wasted 23 years of my life. Breaking up isn't easy but if you were content in it you wouldn't want to leave.i wish you luck and make sure you have people to support you if you decide to leave

You are right Readymeals I should've said in my post it would've been resolved one way or the other.

I last 25 years l decided l wanted the next 25 to be for me. Best thing l done and that was 17 years ago. I live alone never married again but thats fine with me. Go for it.

As someone else had said .... "Set yourself free" !
This ain't a rehearsal.....!!!!!!

I echo all the comments from GNs, make it your project and go for it. I wouldn’t worry too much about your husband post divorce; every couple I know, without exception, that have divorced or where the wife has died, the husband has some way or another found a replacement within a relatively short time. Even the most unlikely ones. Good luck!

Do it Petal49! You will only regret it if you leave it until you feel too old to leave. Wasted years. I knew a woman a few years ago who worked for me. She was full of life and wanted to do all sorts of things. Her husband didn’t. In the end, she took night classes, got a better job,left her husband and met someone else. They now live in Rumania and she visited us last year. She is very happy and living with someone that enjoys the same things in life. It can be done.

Life is just too short not to enjoy it and if you are healthy that is a bonus. Take the chance and good luck x

Hi Petal, I can only echo what others have said here, so much good advice. My marriage ended after 25 years. I wanted out but took a long time to make a move partly due to his sapping my belief in myself and also due to our children and the timing of their various exams. I didn’t want to add stress. I did use that time however to save a secret escape fund. Don’t let others control your life. I remember a ‘friend’ saying “if you think things are bad now, it’ll be a lot worse when you’re on your own” What a load of crap! I felt like a huge weight had been lifted the day we split! Yes it’s strange and unknown at first but I also felt relief and calm, without all the stressful thoughts going through my head. My advice would be to do it. You will find the person you are now will change and when you’re out of that environment you will cope and start to enjoy life again. My life has been transformed in the 10 years since my divorce. You may find your husband copes very well too- mine was married again within a year (how long had he known her !) He’s now with his third wife.