Respect?

Thank you thank you. How funny blondenana...’the really big adventure’ as one artist put it, perhaps that’s the healthy way to see it. I remember asking my six year old daughter to make a card for my granny I was visiting and to stay ‘as she was dying’ and she drew a figure on a tightrope, with a pretty border of coffins...I kept it in my bag but was amazed by its openness.

The dog flap. It’s just bigger than a cat flap and for security reasons I did have a lockable gate made for the small back garden ... and built up supports for climbing plants above the wall, after I found my springer/cross standing on it surveying the street and the road. So now I have a safe small walled garden which is a haven for wild life and birds. I just like the idea that if they want to ‘go’ in the night they can. Like we do.
And toots... yes. It’s a strange one isn’t it ... the desire to clean loved ones houses. My mum always arrived to stay with us with her best rubber gloves, and now my daughter!
I do a fair amount of housework every day. I think it is a way of showing care. So yeh I shut up and though my daughter won’t let me help in her house at all so it’s complex....

Grannygranby ..sounds like you have a lovely caring family .. ok I agree that a proper greeting etc. should be in order and they shouldn't have expected you just to drop everything but maybe it was the only time they could get round to you..we sometimes forget how busy our children's lives are. I remember my late mother-in-law saying sadly one day, about one of her daughter's, that she wished she would stop all the perceived need to clean everything when she visited..which was really not necessary..MIL was actually quite houseproud..and sit down and have a cuppa and a chat instead.. Food for thought indeed...I see my own DM often and always sit and chat, or we go out for a drive, but I am guilty of having a little sneaky clean if I spot anything amiss.? Go easy on your family (and your friend) Grannygranby, they obviously love you very much...and that's the most important thing isn't it. ?

I've enjoyed reading this thread but I have never seen a dog flap. Don't you have all the neighbourhood dogs wandering in?
I agree it can be annoying being patronized by one's DC or any young people for that matter.
How very dare they!
I have a lovely young friend but her flaw is she tells me she'll call but is either late or suddenly busy and calls off. It's worse than waiting for a parcel.
Either way I could have gone out and not wasted my time. Now if she just called by unannounced it would be much better.
Unfortunately none of my DC live near enough to pop in. You are lucky.

My sons and daughter just walk in when they come, which is often, i would hate for them to have to wait and ring the bell, although i do keep the door locked after teatime, but its usually during the day when they call,
I was feeling a bit fed up last week, and said to my daughter what is there to look forward to at my age, she said only death i suppose, she didnt mean it nastily, but i did laugh at the way she said it

Saggi that all sounds wonderful, you and your DD appreciate each other...

Dear Luckylegs9 I'm sorry about your pain. and yes of course our complaints can range from the serious to the trivial. I have by now - a whole day later largely forgotten my irritation and am so pleased with the new dog-flap! We can't always have everything we want. And even thinking about some things makes us come across as too demanding- its a fine act.
So many of you seem to have got it right. I have a friend who lives in the middle of a wood and you almost have to queue up to have a cup of tea with her. People always taking her cakes and whisky and flowers too because of her unstinting welcome and generosity. But as any of you that do work from home might know you have to have a structure and rules for yourself to function and it is infuriating when people just think as you are at home and they have nothing to do they may as well drop in. There is an Oscar Wilde line that makes me laugh ' The point of visiting others is to waste their time not your own'.
Self compassion is the way and I am grateful. And as many of you have said it is a fact of life that we lose power as we get older and the more graciously we do it the better for everyone.
the other weird thing which others have mentioned is how time changes on this one. I never remember having such a thought when I was young...but you see it in dogs. Puppies love everyone, everything and older dogs get very discriminating...and certainly don't assume that everyone is a friend but they are not so much fun but don't do so much damage... and some people get visited, some people visit others. I've never quite worked out that one.
and there is a generational thing dont you think?...I am expected to put up with no end of criticism and put downs and rudeness with a laugh, but any criticism from me is received with such drama and horror...and I think more than twice before I criticise them because it seems to go so deep. Bless them. and thank you all for your answers so far.

After an operation, which has left me in pain, I am feeling very low, my d has never rung or offered any assistance in 2 months. To hear of those lovely daughters and friends that do care but seems to have no respect, I do think perhaps you should count your blessings, they care. That is what matters.

My daughter and I have keys to each other's houses - and I must admit that we both tend to just walk in , and start doing the dishes or wiping the counter tops without a "by your leave" ! I think it's just that we're very familiar with each other and feel comfortable doing things like that.

As for visitors, that is a different story. I'd have a comment ready for people who just drop in like that - "Oh sorry I'm busy " or " Maybe another day". I also hate it when people presume to come to see me with no warning - make it clear that you don't like that sort of visiting and it might die out.

Mine is pretty much an open house to all and sundry. The house is not huge, but it's Edwardian so quite big and there have been many times when someone is at home whilst family/visitors have entered and left. All of my children, and my parents-in-law have key access to my house at any time and I don't wish to be facetious, but I would truly be delighted if they let themselves in and started doing jobs. My mother-in-law sometimes drops off flowers and takes the trouble to find a vase to put them in and leaves food in the fridge. I once was doing some admin work in my sitting room when a close friend walked in bearing a cup of tea for me as she knew from an earlier telephone conversation that I was really busy; in the past the same friend has also has turned up and put food in my oven. (Sadly she's too busy herself now to do that any more. )

I quite understand that for some people home is a safe and secure place where privacy needs to be guarded; most of my friends love visiting my free and easy home, but they would also be horrified if asked to emulate my lifestyle.

A good post Saetana. I agree. The trouble is if we speak up we're labeled as the 'the funny bugger'. ( awkward) I too have friends who just turn up when it suits them when i'm cooking or we're eating dinner. They know what time this is but just walk in and in amazement say 'oh you eating your dinner? I'll sit in the living room until you're finished then. Can't just walk in their house though. Not that I ever do that. I always phone everyone to arrange things. To me, it's just plain rude to just walk into anyones house and expect to sit and chat for an hour or three.

I come from a country and a culture, where the door is always open. Pop-ins are regular. The kettle is always boiling. So, I recreate the same cultural attitude here. I have no problem with anyone calling in anytime, and they do. Love it.

there are a number of ladies (and a few men)
That's the problem! Emphasis on "few"! We need more (assertive) men to restore the natural order of things and create more harmony!

Seriously - there are a number of ladies (and a few men) on here who really need some assertiveness training! Never let yourself be pushed around, stand up for yourself and generally don't be a bloody doormat! If you have an issue with family or friends then tell them! The longer these things are allowed to fester, the more chance of an explosion which is way beyond the severity of the matter in question. Remember ladies (and gents) - we ARE strong wo/men, no matter how old we are - and never let anyone forget this

Gabriella
Parents are not supposed to do that kind of thing

As it happens, I don't have keys to their homes but I wouldn't let myself into their homes unless I seriously thought they were lying injured or ill but I think that's probably a dramatic example.

My children have a key to my home. They live nowhere near me so would always tell me in advance if they were coming to my home. If they lived near me, I think I would say "you're welcome any time but please try to let me know if you're coming".

I wouldn't expect them to enter without ringing the bell or calling out but I don't think I'd go through the roof it they did.

If I had a partner, I think I'd feel differently but there's only me here.

Although we are in our 60’s bedtime is for sleeping as at the end of the day we are tired. But earlier in the day? Who knows?
I wouldn’t like anyone to have a key just in case .... ??

My son has a key to our house and uses it when he comes round for any reason. I have a key to his and his wife's house but I never use it without telling them in advance.
Before we moved to our current house I had 2 good friends who were welcome to visit without warning and we often popped in to each other's houses for coffee and a natter. One has passed away and the other is now 400 miles away. How I would love for them to be able to pop in unannounced now.

I don't think the fact that there are lots of lonely people excuses people from using good manners.
If someone prefers you to knock, then knock!
Its not difficult.

Sunnysusie My feelings too. I love it when the ACs come home.

I like your post Breeze but don't agree with giving my AC keys. They have their own homes now and would no more give me the keys and have me turn up unexpectedly than I would.
I think it's cheeky just to turn up.
Had that one afternoon when one daughter apparently rang, and getting no answer turned up, knocked front and back doors after climbing the side fence, and peered through the windows and letterbox.
Her father and I were upstairs
but, it being summer, the windows were partially open and she knew someone was at home but not sure who.
She called the police and, when they turned up, we had a bit of explaining to do. Had she had keys...oh my! ?☺??
We were in our 40s BTW.

I understand your dividend feelings. My advise is to lean to the feelings of gratitude rather than pride. It’s people intentions that count not their flaws/mistake they have/made whilst doing offering help.

Aids better sleep and generally makes life easier.

I am, in almost every respect, like the OP. Independent, capable, intelligent etc., but I would never, ever assume a kindness to be a bad thing or treat it as a lack of respect.

If I did, I would seriously question my motives for doing so.

How can kind gestures possibly be turned into insults like this? It's beyond me.

Millions of people would desperately love someone to care this much.

I love that my DD and partner have keys to my house and breeze in, usually shouting hello, but not always. DD grew up here and I always think of it as the family house, not my house. I always welcome them and if they want to stay over en route to the airport or after a night out with friends its fine by me. DS is abroad with Visa problems so he hasnt been home for two years and thats what I find really upsetting.

Riggie - not on the original post, but you suggested leaving the key in the door so poster's daughter cannot get in. My DD who, by the way, always knocks, told us off for keeping the key in the lock for just the reason that nobody can get in if you are taken ill or have a fall.