Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

I feel very sorry for you, Rowan55. There has been some good advice given here and I hope you consider it carefully, work out your own feelings and then take whatever course of action you decide is best for YOU. Maybe if you have close family or good friends you might want to talk it over with them but do not let these two men manipulate you or make you feel guilty in any way ... any respect you have for your husband and his son has to be earned by them. Good luck, whatever you decide.

I was in a similar situation. Husbands son( aged in his 20's) made my life hell, he spent years trying to split us up. I finally got evidence that the son was a liar and there was a tremendous argument between husband and the son, son left house. The son still had a key so I packed all his belongings up which made him move out. SUCCESS!

I gather he is your STEPson and you are your husband’s second wife.
This makes more sense of the fact you seem not to be respected by either of them.
As others have stated, if neither of them takes you seriously, you need to examine your relationship with your husband. He doesn’t sound like he will change. Decide if the price of staying in the relationship is worth it. If not, considerypur options including a PLANNED withdrawal from the situation.
Good luck.

My daughter married a man like your husbands son!
Whatever anyone does he will not change his ways and is in his 40s now,so not likely to change.
Like your husband,I can only think that she loves him despite his many failings.
As others have said, you can't change them, only how you react to them.And if all else fails then consider if you'd be better off out of it.

You have a number of options suggested, not an easy task.

Another point to bear in mind when considering all the options is, if you persuade your husband or he decides that the son should go, your husband will be forever torn between the two, maybe blaming you, even though it is not you who throws him out. And you have to carry on living with this as backstory, which won’t be easy.

Who does the house belong to? Don't move out if it is your house or even if it is half your house. Be careful

ReallyMabon people in your world dont support their children? What a horrible world you inhabit.I'll be their mother until the day I die and after so why wouldn't I support them through times of trouble or hardship?
No wonder the worlds in the mess it is with "mothers" and fathers who cant offer support to the people they gave birth to!

We had the same attitude from DH's son, but otherwise the situations were not comparable, because DH and I were in agreement about not putting up with this sort of behaviour.

I think you need to tell your husband that you are at the end of your tether about this. However unreasonable he and his son may find your attitude, you are entitled to your opinion and entitled to think that a 26 year old living in your home should wash himself and his clothes often enough to be pleasant company, air his room daily and clean it thoroughly once a week.

It sounds to me as if you are fast approaching the stage where you will tell your DH that either his son goes or you do, unless your stepson begins behaving like an adult not a teenager.

Son has learned his behaviour from Dad by the look of it. I'd think hard about your future with these two. They sound hopeless.

It's really your call as nothing we say can make up your mind. You are the one living the 'nightmare.
Lots of sound advice but one thing to remember. The decision you make might alter the rest of your life, for better or worse and there will be no going back on that decision as it would be thrown back in your face every time you argued.
Your home isn't a hotel and you need to ensure that your OH/DH understands that his son laughing at you is, in fact, belittling you, saying that what you ask if him is of no consideration...in other words, 'stuff you'.
Perhaps you could stay with your family for 2 weeks after telling your husband that you need a break or plan 2 weeks away with him.
When you return, the state of the house will tell you what you need to do next but in any case, plan carefully. You don't say if you work, what your finances are, who owns the house, whether you have your own car, whether your husband works or if the son pays his way.
Meantime, stop cooking his meals, stop clearing any mess he leaves in the rest of the house including the bathroom and make no excuses for your views on his slobby son.
While you keep on doing what you're doing, nothing will never alter.
I wish you luck and strength to make a choice that suits you.

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@Rowan55 I really feel for you. My husband’s son was living with us at the same age. He was working. His room was filthy. I’ll never forget the crispy socks littering the floor. As well as the lack of hygiene, we also had random women arrive during the night. One stole my ring. Luckily it was cubic zirconia. My husband worked long hours so I was the one who had to cope with him. One day I found drugs and binned them. I also had my 11 year old daughter living with us and when he showed her his new intimate piercing I told my DH enough was enough. The difference was that DH supported me. We found him a bedsit. Gave him food, no money and he turned his life around apart from running up debts. Standing on his own two feet made all the difference to his attitude. He emigrated a couple of years later and has been self sufficient ever since. We were plagued with debt collectors for years afterwards though! Your DH’s support for you is the key and without it you may need a plan B.

The son has obviously been behaving in this way when he lived with his mother, as she washed her hands of him and threw him out. With hindsight it would probably have been a good idea to have had a few ground rules in place when he first came to live with you and his father, so that you could have enforced some of them before it reached this stage with yourselves. All the while your husband is in cahoots with his son these problems won't go away. Perhaps you could have some counselling with Relate to try and resolve some issues regarding this situation, if your husband won't go with you, you can still go on your own to this and hopefully get some advice on how this can be resolved or at least move forward in some way.

I gather the son is your STEPson and from a previous relationship of your husbands. It sounds like the son is not the Cuckoo, in their eyes, maybe.
Both your husband and stepson do not respect your opinion on the situation...or respect you by the sound of it. The relationship with your husband sounds less than secure.
You have choices including - stay and tolerate, seek professional advice regarding your marriage and also the option to leave. The latter is not advisable unless other avenues have been explored.
All this is pure speculation on my part and I may have got the wrong rnd of the stick. But if anything on this Gransnet post resonates, I think I would be serking some relationship guidance, at least, because your stepson might be the symptom of a bigger issue

paddyann
I admire your stance, I really do and I've always felt that you can divorce your husband, make new friends but you can never cut yourself off from your children...ever. A mother's love forgives everything but forgets nothing. We may hate what they sometimes do but love always underlies the help we offer.
This, however, is not the OP's son and she doesn't have the same connection.
Personally, I'd hate to skivvy after an AC, mine or not but this isn't my life.
The OP's DH obviously enjoys having another male in the house and, as it's his son, is bound to have a biased opinion.
Mess is anathema to many people and there is nothing in the OP to suggest that the son has any issues with his health.
I think he should clean up his act as it isn't his home, just a temporary? extended stay. Why let your children behave in a manner which would cause concern if it was a lodger?

A variety of advice and suggestions have been offered. I wonder if your husband may actually be overwhelmed with anxiety about the situation ( and maybe guilt over thinking he has failed his son in some way in the past). Maybe his anxiety doesn't allow him to talk to you sensibly about the situation as he is terrified of losing you or his son or both?
I doubt that giving an ultimatum or renting your own place would lead to a proper resolution of the issue.
It sounds as though you and your husband need to be on the same page first (and it was not fair of him to discuss plans with his son in a way that excluded you from the decision making). It needs the two of you to talk in a cooperative, not confrontational, way. Maybe this would be easier with counselling. If that's not an option for you, an approach might be for you to try to get time alone with your husband in a relaxed situation and start by saying something along the lines of you being a bit unhappy/concerned but you are also confident that two intelligent. loving people like the two of you can find a solution together. Maybe say (even through gritted teeth), that you want to make it very clear you are not going to ask him to make a choice between supporting you or supporting his son - that may take enough stress off him to allow him to open up.
Explain you want to do the best for his son too and all three of you deserve to be happy and stress-free. Explain that staying with you may not actually be in the best interests of his son, but whatever happens needs to be a joint decision.
If you and your husband get onto the same page, it should be easier for all three of you to have a calm discussion about the future and what rules need to be applied if your stepson is staying a while longer.
Legal matters of who owns the house, other financial arrangements, any wills you have drawn up, and any issues of possible mental health concerns for your stepson might have to be looked at.
Good luck.

Your tolerance level is almost self-abuse Paddyann....my son was 20 and he’d been smoking since 16 .... I gave him an option...give up the fags or give up a comfortable soft-option home with his non - smoking parents and non-smoking sister with extreme asthma!! He couldn’t or wouldn’t give them up. He left! Our relationship has never been better...he looks after himself...he cooks..launders..cleans himself and his flat and works full time! It made a man of him! Rowan55 ...kick him out...if husband complains put your boot up his backside...tell him he can join his stinky son !!

Your stepson needs to have a chance of being a man ...his father is emasculating him .

Supporting adult offspring doesn’t mean allowing them to leach off you forever. Sometimes tough love is required to help them find their way in the world.
I experienced this with one of my DSS when he moved in with us for about a year after dropping out of his final year at Uni. The situation was very stressful all round. Thankfully, he sorted himself out and now is a high flyer in London but more importantly, is a lovely, kind and very capable young man who I love just as much as my own son.
The OP’s situation is completely different because her DH isn’t working with her as a team to support the adult DS. He sounds abusive and controlling so in the OP’s situation, I’d be visiting a lawyer to find out where I stand financially and then I’d make my move.

I'm with Paddyann on this my sons will always have a home here should they need it. I have one son coming back to me in May while he sorts himself out are returning from overseas. He's welcome to stay as long as he wants. I really don't understand how else I could feel but for the OP I think you all need to have a very matter of fact conversation with all 3 of you present. I found when my ex was here he tended to leave me out of conversations between me and his kids, giving me an abridged version later whereas me and my kids tended to include him in the conversation. I never considered leaving because it was/is my house. His way of dealing with things good or bad caused all kinds of issues unnecessarily. His kids were ok just a bit immature for their age but he treated them like children when they were mid 20's. I always thought he painted me as the bad guy in everything which definitely rankled when I was doing my best to treat them all equally. What you should do definitely depends on who owns what and how you feel about your husband and we can't advise without knowing those two things. Good luck whatever you decide.

Lot of good advice given. I think most are saying move out and leave turn to it. I do think you should seek legal advice. I have a feeling that you are not in the UK though. Is there an equivalent of the free advice unit we have called The Citizen's advice bureau?

If you feel you can't move out, initially, then try withdrawing all services for both the son and your husband until a suitable solution is found. So, only shop, cook and wash for yourself and see what happens.

Have I missed something ?but what financial support do you get for being 'mum' to H's son.

Aw his somebodies son, wish my son was alive so I could tell him off for leaving his room n a mess and to use the shower a bit more.
Instead I have his lovely d our gd who leaves her bedroom in a mess, uses the shower a lot but leaves that in a mess too.
Happy days .......

My post seems to have bern removed. Is it possible for someone to give me some feed back as to why, please?