Help please, husband problems

My ex husband was abusive emotionally and financially. When he went off with yet another woman, I filed for divorce and managed - shortly after taking him to court - to get him to meet me privately so that we could negotiate a settlement rather than go through another court appearance and have a judge decide on the house, finances, etc. He agreed to my terms. I ended up with the better deal. He married the woman. I suspect this is why he agreed - he knew that as a married man, he'd be entitled to claim half if they ever split up. I'm now on my own and enjoying my freedom. There's nothing about him that I miss.

What about the society like A A that supports those living with alcoholics? They might be helpful.

Given the circumstances of your husband's unreasonable behaviour and irresponsibility re. finances I would have said a 60-40 division of monies/assets----get a good solicitor.

I’m afraid the marital assets division works in both directions, women who are breadwinners are just a vulnerable to the divorce rules as men.
I’m sure you feel just as agrieved as a man in the reverse situation, although you will get a lot more sympathy on this forum.
Any woman who is a high earner should think hard before she gets married because it can cost her dear in financial as well as emotional terms, If divorce happens, a wastrel husband will serious damage your bank balance as well.

I was in a similar situation, ended up well out of pocket, my ex was abusive, although he didn't drink. We'd have been better off financially if I'd stayed. But at what cost. Sort out all your financial stuff and see a solicitor asap.
I was nearly 60 when my divorce came through, nearly 3 years ago, and I'm looking forward to a calm future, no upset, being able to do things I want to do without anyone objecting, it was scary but so would the prospect of been of living with a drunk which is what you're looking forward to. If you file for divorce now and he starts 'pissing money up the wall' this will be on record as wasting money, if you merely separate and he does get into financial difficulties then you'll lose out, even more, this happened to a friend. It will be tough but an investment in your future

Hi.. I'm a journalist doing research on divorcees that got divorced after 65. Would I be able to speak to you about this? Thanks so much

To those who 'just separate'..... Please sort your finances. We were able to sell the house by agreement, sort bank accounts etc and by the time the two year separation was up everything was sorted and just needed to apply for the divorce.

I was the earner although just on a modest salary. My h did not work despite having a B.Sc. Engrg. Slept all day literally, He was mentally unstable and would not provide childcare. I would not have trusted his abilities anyway.

I was responsible for everything. Knew I should have left long before and that the day would come when I couldn't cope any longer.

To this end, I started my own account. Here a £5, there a £10. Over time I had £1,000 and this seemed a fortune because it would see me though a couple of months, with my ds, when the time came.
Some of you will likely flame me for that, that it was dishonest !! It was my rainy day fund and I had no guilt whatsoever.

So much good advice on here Pudding. I too am part of the 'Been there done that' Club. I made the mistake of just separating and 15 years later after not one penny towards the mortgage and maintenance of our 3 DC nor even any contact with them he rang up and demanded his share of the house. Not only that but he didn't want a divorce despite living with another woman and having taken half share of her house. I was quite horrified at the Law which eventually said he was entitled to at least one third of the peoperty and that only non payments over the last two years would count. Of course by then the children were grown up! To cut a long story short a small inheritance (which he had somehow heard about) helped me pay for a divorce and keep my home though he refused to work with his solicitor so it cost me even more in fees for letters, calls etc. I had to work an extra 5 years after retirement age to keep up payments. He was on benefits so had free advice. Unbelievable! Nevertheless the weight lifted from my shoulders on getting rid of him was well worth it. Good luck to you. Prepare yourself well and look forward to a better future.

The fact that your husband has earned less than you wouldn't, in my opinion, be grounds for him receiving a smaller divorce settlement. It's his behaviour that would really make me feel it was unfair for him to receive an equal share. Having said that, I think legally he is probably entitled and, in my opinion, it is probably not worth all the unpleasantness (and cost) of trying to get a more generous settlement for yourself.

However, you do need to get proper legal advice as to what your position is. Try and get a personal recommendation or, if you can't, I think there are probably online reviews of matrimonial solicitors.

You are not alone pudding, but I came out the other side, it was hard but I took the bull by the horns and we separated after 28 years of Marriage, although initially we stayed in the matrimonial home, as my son was just going off to uni. My now ex became very sneaky and devious so I would suggest you be one step ahead, I.e. I would get a separate bank account for yourself, at the time I could not trust my ex as far as I could through him and the lies and deceit was unbelievable. I ended up being homeless and friends took me in, a few years down the line, I have my own rented flat from local authority, everything I own is mine, hard earned, but the sense of freedom was unbelievable. I have also met an amazing man, yes it took time but I am truly happy, so get your big girl pants on and go for it, you owe it to yourself. Good luck to you!

What an awful situation for you love.You do not need to take this sort of grief every day.So ok the money situation needs sorting.Get some legal advice,from wherever.But just remember how free you will feel when you can do what you want,whenever you want,without all the hassle/heartache etc.Yes it may be tough to start with,but just think where you want to be in one year or two.Totally free to do what you want!lifes too short go out and live how you want-in peace.I wish you well.

Pudding, all is not lost. I retired early and my wife continued to work. I was and still am the main earner. I have a decent works pension, so money is not a problem, although at retirement, it wasn't as good as now. I was going to the pub/club with my friends and neglecting my wife. We were drifting apart. She could have left me, but, thank God she didn't. It suddenly hit me that, after 34 years, we were drifting apart. We sat down and talked things out and decided to move, to the South Coast, for a new start. The best decision that we could have made. We are now a couple, again and are nearing our 50 years together. We still have our disagreements, but our love has been restored. We are extremely happy. Perhaps a new start, elsewhere could be the answer. We see more of our children, now, than we did, when they lived round the corner. Life is Great and it can be for you. The proviso is, 'Do you still love your husband?' If you do, it is worth persevering, but you must talk. By having a new start, together, with a blank canvas, has made both our lives much happier. Long may it continue. Give and take is essential, but I have learned not to be the a**hole, I was. I have no intention of doing anything that could result in me losing her. Good luck.

practical advice - also visit yr GP and describe his behaviour - controlling/abusive unbearable - however you want to word it - make sure it goes on your notes and every time you visit repeat the information. It could prove very helpful in the future, especially if he tries to contest a divorce. Divorces can be denied if there is no proof of unreasonable behaviour and by registering this on your medical notes could help enormously.

Some people wonder why people stay with someone like this if it's so dreadful. Please be kinder to people who don't leave.
Sometimes it takes years and years to leave and in my work I know of at least one bright, generous, strong and lively woman who managed to leave but actually went back FIVE times after pleading and manipulation. Now though she is out and her own person. She is happy, has friends, makes her own choices and is enjoying life.
These people get in your head and make you believe you can't cope without them and that they care for you and that they can change. Sparklefizz and dbDB77 have got out (hooray and congratulations!!)... And what the OP needs to know is that she could do it too.
Why she hasn't done it before is NOT helpful.

Although I am not in your situation, I do know that feeling of dread, waiting for someone to come home the worse for wear, only in this case it was my father. Never physically abusive, but he could win prizes for mental abuse, hurtful words and so on. But waiting for the key in the door, wondering what state he would be in, is just awful, so you have my sympathies there. Like others have said, you need a good lawyer, maybe start first with Citizens Advice just to get some basic idea of where you stand. You sound so unhappy, and obviously don't want to carry on like this ad infinitum, and galling though it is, maybe it would be better to give him his half if he's entitled to it, just to get rid? To get some peace of mind and be able to live your life as you want, you're only here once is a trite saying often bandied about, but it is so true. Good luck.

If it were me dreading Friday nights so much, I would try spending every Friday night elsewhere, e.g. with my daughter. Then perhaps my OH would realise how badly his behaviour affected me and agree to discuss the situation.
I would find it very hard to suggest divorce because I made a vow in church before God to always love my husband, in sickness and in health. Alcoholism and/or depression to me is an illness.
I know my views sound very old-fashioned these days and accept that few people will agree with me.

dbDB77 Snap! Well done to us both for getting away!

If you go ahead with a divorce (after seeing a lawyer) you may well find youself worse off financially - hope this doesn't sound harsh (it's not meant to) but that's the price you will pay for not leaving him a long time ago (it sounds as though it's never been a particularly happy marriage). But don't let this stop you from doing what you feel is right. You still have a lot of living to do, and you never know what wonderful things are ahead for you.

A number of posters have wondered why Pudding & others have put up with the situation for so many years.
I've lived it and the situation develops & deteriorates over the years - I know how you can be made to feel that his drinking is not a problem - it's your imagination, your nagging, your fault - he's sorry, he'll stop, we'll have a fresh start - I tried it all and always felt guilty that it was my fault because that's how he made me feel - alcoholics can be very manipulative. As a wife and mother I was primed to believe that I should be providing a happy secure home - why was I failing? I also hid it from family, friends and work colleagues who all thought he was just a heavy social drinker. Al-Anon made me realise the three "Cs" - I didn't Cause it, I couldn't Control it and I couldn't Cure it. My children were starting be affected by it and that gave me the strength to get out.

When I hear of women staying in physically or mentally abusive relationships I understand how it happens and I wish them the the strength & courage to get out.

Say they "separated". She buys a flat, he blows his half, he can then go after half her flat!

Could you just seperate and sell house? You could then buy a flat as could he.
Whilst married they will remain financially associated.
My worry would be that if he is doing destructive behaviour like drinking a lot, that can also extend to hidden debts, which could affect the OP down the line if she doesnt formally separate herself sooner rather than later.

Destructive drinking aften goes hand in hand with dodgy dealings with dodgy people, gambling and debt.

Divorcing a self destructive alcoholic is different from divorcing a rational conscientious man that you just happen to not love any more

Pinky67 , don’t be scared of being on your own. I felt like you, and stayed in an unhappy marriage for too long. Nothing is as lonely as being with someone who does not love you. I was scared of managing financially, of sorting out the finances, of doing all the diy and servicing the car, all the practical things he did, as well as the emotional aspect. It turns out I am ok at most house diy, there are other people who can service the car, I am fine financially, and being on my own has meant I have made friends and am happier than I ever was in my marriage. You deserve a fresh start: be brave.

Hi Pudding123,

He is definitely entitled to half, it’s irrelevant you earned More than him or what his spending habits were in comparison to yours; pensions will also be equalised so you both have roughly the same.
However, you are right (in my opinion merely from reading your post of course and my own experience of leaving an unhappy relationship) to leave.
I can give you a mantra that worked for me every time I had doubts about leaving, particularly bearing in mind that one can’t change anyone else, one can only change oneself.
I kept reminding myself that ‘ life isn’t a rehearsal ‘. also work hard to let the money niggles go and accept that things are fifty fifty and thus out of your control. Being angry/sad about what you may perceive as ‘unfair’ division will only hurt you.
The very best of luck, in a couple of years post divorce all the trauma will have faded provided you let all your annoyances, etc., go and you will live a happy life . Take care

You will be expected to go through mediation before you can divorce. This can be a good way to save money as you may be able to iron out a lot of financial issues this way.

You need advice, get this for free. Then if you need legal assistance get the best you can afford!
My sister’s husband COULD’VE taken his exes house from under her feet - despite their young children living there with their mum - her sloppy legal team left gaping holes in her claim. Having had to take legal assistance twice in past 2 years I urge you to not skimp on this front. Good luck!