Mean Daughter-in-law

Dear GrandmaFaye,
I was that child over sixty years ago. Don’t fall out with your daughter in law, stay in their lives, probably better if you can have the children spend time with you in your house if that can be managed naturally and without increasing the aggravation. This will provide respite for your GD as well as letting you enjoy both of them singly or together away from the tension which must be existing when you are in your DiL company.
You might very well find as she gets older your GD May take the decision into her own hands and decamp to your house permanently. If the adults can stay civil this can work. Best wishes to both you and your GD

I agree. So many use the kids as bargaining chips not caring the damage they are doing.

I agree with travelsafar. I am in exactly the same position. DIL fell out with me after I expressed concern over a comment that she made to my GD. Result? She has not spoken to me since and has stopped me from seeing my grandchildren. Son in the middle, although they have since separated. As Saggi says, quite rightly, children should not be used as pawns in these situations. They did not ask to be brought into the world. We are supposed to be the responsible ones and their role models.

I agree with you about calling Social Services. That would be a last resort.

Please be very careful about calling Social Services. From experience I can tell you that they do give enough information to the parent to identify you. My sister did this to my daughter and it has torn the family apart. You would probably find that all access was stopped to the children.

I would gladly raise my granddaughter but my son would never agree to that. There aren’t any Grandparents rights in the state I live in so I doyhave a leg to stand on

I agree it is a small price to pay but it is so sad to have to live like that. You never know what will cause someone like that to explode. I think sometimes it is a “control “ issue. I wish you well

Maybe you should have your grand daughter live with you - this could really effect her mental health....calling social services is a big step but intervention is needed

I had similar situation with my now daughter in law who really has anger issues( doctor advised help) she used to blow her top over silly little issues. My son is quiet lad who just wants peaceful life so my husband and me keep our distance visit at intervals and dont upset her.small price to pay to see our grandchildren.

Thank you

It sounds to me that you know what to do and you are doing it.
I wish you luck your DGD has a wonderful granny and I think she appreciates it.

I think my granddaughter knows that she can talk to me. I have not particularly mentioned an episode to her but In general conversation assured her that I will always be there for her and if she needs to talk about anything she can count on me. I will never abandon her. My granddaughter has a huge heart and is a very loving child, I don’t ever want that to change

My dil says my granddaughter cleans her brothers room because he doesn’t like to do it and she likes to clean. Arrived about 2 months ago to find my gd sitting in middle of living room floor with piles of clean laundry around her ( she was sorting). My gs was in chair playing video game. I asked him why he wasn’t helping so she could finish and they both could play. He replied to me that he didn’t want to help. My gd said “ it’s ok grandmama I don’t mind”....... if my dil had heard me ask my gs why he wasn’t helping it would have been another explosion.

I talked to my son yesterday on the phone while she had took kids and gone to her moms. He said he was washing the kids shoes ( they need it). I think he does try to help his daughter at times but keeps quite most of the time to try and appease her. I fault him for not standing up for his daughter 100% of the time. I don’t believe she is being physically abuse it is a “mind” thing with my dil but my son needs to be a man and stand up to her and stop giving her Her way to keep the peace.

This is not good. But stay calm. Keep notes on what you witness and keep texts. Give your gd lots of love and encourage her to confide in you just in case she needs to talk about this at some stage. Don't antagonise your DIL. Just be nice to her.

For the sake of your family especially your granddaughter you need to address this problem. I would at least let her know how hurtful her messages are. Then address your concerns for the health and well being of this family if she continues to behave so selfishly and expect prefertional treatment for her child, who is equally important to you. Do not seek or expect revenge, it won’t help and it certainly won’t do anything to resolve this horrible situation.

In my opinion there are two separate issues here, the first the text messages & the second your dils treatment of your gd.
I agree with previous posters, you’re best off ignoring the texts. Mentioning them to your son could cause a bigger upset, and confronting your dil could well give her further ammunition.
I’m more concerned with your dil’s treatment off your gd, which in my opinion is bordering on abuse. Where is your son when this is going on? Could he not help your gd clean her room? Or if dil thinks gd is old enough to wash her own bed linen and your ds doesn’t agree, could he not wash it himself? I know there is common opinion that men will always side with their wife for a quiet life, but surely he could speak up when the emotional welfare of his daughter is at stake?

Don't give her the satisfaction of reacting the children should be treated equal and I'm sure she knows this

Is gd cleaning her brother's room because she had been asked to or to try to make stepmother like her?

In this situation your ds is probably aware of the problem but pretends he isn't as he does not now how to respond to it or just chooses not to. If it has been like this for a while it will seem normal within the family.

Very important to do nothing that could worsen relations so you see less of gd.

In this situation the best approach is to observe quietly and wait. Why? Because your loving presence is the best thing your GD has going for her. The best way to stay close to her is by keeping the 'enemy' closer.

As others suggested, document and/or save everything ...emails, texts etc. You can learn more about your granddaughter's situation by asking her questions but be discreet. Keep a journal and write down anything that you find objectionable especially where it concerns your granddaughter.

She will soon be a teenager and abuses are likely to escalate. Once you intervene, the gloves will be off so to speak, so keep saving the 'ammunition' and bide your time.

In a very similar situation but have resolved to keep quiet or I will lose my grandaughter. I aim to kill her with kindness instead! I give her absolutely nothing to be able to take issue with and am NEVER alone in her company. It's not worth it.

Wow this is verging on wicked stepmother. These are just the instances you know about. You need to be there for your DGD - she needs to know you are on her side. This is tantamount to bullying. Your son must see what is happening unless she does it sneakily.
I am really not sure what you can do about it but I would certainly let your DGD know how much you care about her without seeming to favour her.
The situation needs monitoring I feel.
I wish you well.

I would keep very quiet about the texts and in fact not reply to them at all, certainly don't mention them to your son as you need to keep in touch with this family and make sure the GC are being looked after. It seems you aren't going to win if you do intervene as she will just stop you seeing the GC. Your GD is now 11 so a few short years and she will be able to see you when she wants. I agree it does sound as if Dil has a mental health problem of some kind.

Dear GrandmaFaye . Your responses have added colour , depth and detail to allow us a clear picture of your DiL's personality and behaviour. It does not sound like there is a particular problem between you and her - as it seems to affect nearlty everyone that she has a relationship with. So your son , DGD and DGS, DiL's family are all having problems . That suggests that your DiL may have a personality disorder (PD) - and it sounds like she may have a narcissistic type of PD. That is my impression . Why don't you look up Narcissistic behaviour and Narcissistic PD and see if this describes your DiL . If it does - you are going to need to learn how to best deal with someone like this - the approaches likely to help and those to avoid. Your son and granchildren will benefit from seeing how you are managing to get on better with her ( I am not saying it is all up to you to change - but you are a key person in this family and many can potentially benefit from your experience and skill in adapting to get on better with her - for everyone's sake ) If you don't think this description is of her (DiL) - please ignore everything I have written !.

Not trivial at all - verging on the abusive. The most disturbing bit is that child aged 11 cleans brother's room. IMHO the best thing you can do is be a very good GM to your gc. make a fuss of her when you can , when DIL not looking probably better.

She tries to come off as being this “perfect stepmom” but in my opinion she is not at all.. I say that for a few reasons 1. One picture of my granddaughter on fridge.... the rest are grandson. 2. My granddaughters room looks like bomb exploded and dil refuses to clean because gd is “ old enough to clean own room”. 3. Granddaughter also cleans her brothers room. 4. Granddaughter has to wash her own linens from her bed. 5. If they both have something alike and grandson breaks his she will take away granddaughters and give to him...... I realize some of this sounds very trivial and it may be BUT my granddaughter is 11 years old now and there is no doubt that she notices these things as well and I hate that. I do blame my son for tolerating this because they are BOTH his children and he should not tolerate this even if she is his wife. I know he does it on an attempt to keep peace with her but that doesn’t make it right.