Help coping with emotions re elderly parents

Why should we expect our parents, who probably worked very hard for what they have, should give us 'handouts'? Surely it's enough that they brought us up and saw us through childhood to adulthood. Believe me, when you haven't got them you will REALLY miss them, but you may then have their money

I find it extremely hard ( almost impossible) to do anything for myself without feeling terribly guilty and selfish . There are times I wish I could say a firm “no” or make alternative plans to those that I have been forced into, however at 56 I can’t change the habit of a lifetime .

Hello oldbatty, I haven't read all the other posts but just to say I really get what you mean about parents being mean with money. There have been times in my life when an injection of £200 would have made all the difference but it was never forth-coming. Now, my Dad has died and at 92 we (my brother and I) find that Mum still has over £80k in the bank. We find we can't talk to her about it so it will probably go on Care Home fees. I wouldn't have minded if they'd spent it on themselves, not just sat on it. I'm very open-handed with my children and grand children- why would you be otherwise?

Thank you so much folks. I feel less alone. Some really kind and helpful comments. Yes, teng ran £200 is the sort of amount that would have helped. The fraud wasn't successful but it revealed a very great deal of money sitting in a bank account. The moment has passed. I am not a materialistic person and I have no wish to grab an inheritance. It is bound up in a sadness about what might have been.

Old batty, don't get upset about this. I have always been a giver, got more pleasure giving financial help if it was needed until I was told to stop. I never got anything that I didn't work for, but had the best parents. You have to ask yourself if they there for you in other ways. That is more important than money. They probably didn't want to feel a burden and saving became a habit. I had some very lean times but would never take money off my hardworking folks. It is different now, I think most children think nothing of going to the bank of mom and dad.

I find it hard to understand the line "I have to visit my elderly parents today" you do not have to, if you find it stressful dont visit.

My 92 year old FIL is exceedingly penny pinching, and this has meant he is sitting on a very substantial sum of money. I rarely think about it except for when my son needed money for a vital operation for his daughter and he loaned them £7000, which they pay back £200 a month. I think if it was me I would have just given it to them, it’s his great granddaughter after all, and he would not miss it. However I can understand that he may be thinking that he will need all his money if he has to go into care. At the moment he is very independent.

rubytut.....I really do have to, out of a sense of duty and some love in there too I suppose. Also I have a meeting with their carer and an outside agency, so it seems the decent thing to do to attend.
My sibling is facing a life threatening illness.

Well put Bluekitchen, I fully agree.
Don't beat yourself up oldbatty, see your parents as you see them.
Meanness is not an admirable trait.
As has already been said, if you find visiting stressful then reduce the frequency of the visits.
I hope your sibling recovers.

batty, I am so sorry, who knows why your parents hoarded money, could be in their early life they knew poverty or they felt a need to save for their old age, or they are mean .

Your sibling, are you fearful my love ?

Like Luckylegs, I am a giver.....gave away most of what I had to my children. I now have enough to see me through. I have a friend who is much better off than me and yet, she clings on to her wealth. I told her it's better to give your kids the money now, when they are young...to pay off their mortgage etc. There are people who love money for the sake of it and not for how it can help others.

I think perhaps the hoarding of money in older years may be to do with wanting 'control' of something, as people feel less in control in other areas of their lives.

oldbatty I relate very much to what you say. My mum is very well off but is also very tight. When I suggest her spending £10-15 on her grandchildren's/great grandchildren's birthday presents (there are only 5 of them) she says that's too much. She has the same attitude towards people she employs to help in the house and garden - reluctantly paying only the minimum wage. I end up trying to make up for the paltry amount they get by giving them a cheque at Christmas, which doesn't exactly please my husband.

Although it has never been expected or requested, we have always been happy to help our children practically and financially and I don't understand why a parent, if they are realistically able to, would not want to give their children a helping hand.

Maybe they are worried about needing care and not being a burden on their children. You don't say how much the substantial sum is, but a care home or full time carer costs £50-£60k a year, so even substantial sums can be eaten up quite quickly. Don't let resentment poison your relationship. I assume you will inherit at some stage anyway.

Were your parents mean with you when you lived with them, or is it just the knowledge of their savings, which you feel could have been used to help you, which rankles?
It is their money; they are the generation which could not spend, having been through the Depression, and you don't really have any right to expect them to use their savings. Probably they are holding on to their money to pay for their old age, which is precisely what my father did, and the whole considerable sum was swallowed in care home fees. I don't feel bitter; it was his money to spend how he chose, but I do grudge the fact that he could have given my mother a better, more comfortable life.

I suppose there are different definitions of hardship too. Long ago I was so grateful for the £7 child allowance so we could eat for the weekend, even though DH was working! I wouldn't have booked a holiday we couldn't afford and managed with furniture we had until we could replace it. It was instilled in us from childhood to pay our own way. I knew my DM's feelings about getting into debt, coming from a poor family she had a horror of the 'never never' and spending over their means. They still remember people that went into the workhouse. They had a hairy couple of years with intermittent illness where they still had to manage rent and bills. Also, as children of the war years they learnt how to make do and not be wasteful. They only ever lent us money for bills and food and paying it back was a priority. Unfortunately when we eventually got in better circumstances, as we both worked hard, it made me more prone to spoil our DC! It's not done at least one of them any favours and budgeting is not a strong point with any of them. I wish I'd been slightly more like my DPs. You can't get inside their heads to find out why they didn't help you so perhaps you can follow advice on GN to let it go.

Get over it for goodness sake Many of us have to struggle living from hand to mouth for years and years without a hope of a hand out from anyone and manage somehow and never complain. Why do you think you are so deserving?

A very helpful contribution Mabon!.

how absolutely foul of you. Did you read anything I wrote?

I have struggled for years with abusive parents. I find accidently they have a huge amount of money.

I reflect on times when a small amount would have made a big difference to me, and my children.

I , of course realise this reflection is pointless and congratulate myself on not repeating the same pattern.

I did realise when I wrote my starting comment that I would invite a range of comments. Most have been brilliant, thanks one and all.

I will get over it, no thanks to people like you 2.

batty, please don’t let that post trouble you x

I truly am appalled that parents who are well off as in the case of Batty's parents and who are elderly, will not help their children. What are they going to do with their money?

re the holiday we booked it and my husband was on strike. Not a choice you understand, the industry called a strike. No money , no holiday.

oldbatty Take no notice of one unpleasant poster. I think many people on here understand, and can relate to, how you feel.

When my daughters married, my father an ex coal miner who hadn’t worked for some years due to coal dust in his lungs and my mother paid for both evening receptions, the year my husband died they paid for me and my little girls to have two week holiday at the coast and came with us. And from the year I was widowed untill my daughters married they never failed to buy the Christmas turkey and all that goes with the day for us so I could buy the presents. This is what parents do surely?

I know you have had some very sad times Annie, but that is lovely really.

We got nothing for Christmas.