Feeling used, feeling guilty

crazyH.... I know exactly what you mean but I won't be taken advantage of...even if it means somebody taking umbrage...I have had it all, the emotional blackmail the lot. I just stick to my guns because after all...I am not super human. I would suggest you do what you can and say a resounding NO to what doesn't suit! I know mine always come running back but even if they didn't I am not sure I would be blackmailed in any way. I've brought up 6 kids and now got loads of grandchildren....I love them all but am not going to be at everyone's beck and call so sometimes we fall out! I just say "OK... phone me when you are in a better frame of mind" In the meantime, get on with my own life.

My parents were NEVER so involved in bringing up my kids...I wouldn't have expected it but this generation seem to think they have an automatic right to feel grandparents are part and parcel of the child rearing! They don't seem to appreciate that they cannot continue with life as if they haven't got any children and 'mum' will sort it! NO... set boundaries is my advice. BTW...I love helping where I want to and where I can...but enough is enough lol

going to University is an excuse to drink to excess and act irresponsibly really?

I’ll tell my nieces who are Nurses, my Sister in Law who is a Headmistress, and the other professional people in our family who worked hard to get a worthwhile degree.

My AD and I talk a lot by text, and yes there is the occasional misunderstanding but a quick phone call usually solves that. I also am the only grandparent so get all the joys that brings.
I am also the only one who babysit as the 12 yr old is autistic, and the youngest, at 6 1/2 yes, has multiple life threatening allergies.
I do school pickup at least once a week and often childcare during the school holidays.
However I do not hesitate to say 'No' if I have a prior commitment and my daughter has learnt to ask if I'm free to childcare, often 6-9 months in advance.
CrazyH I think you did the right thing in telling your daughter that you weren't available, and I see nothing wrong in suggesting that your daughter speak to her ex. She might not have considered that as an option.
Feeling guilty is normal, especially when you put yourself first, but don't let that guilt stop you, also don't 'second guess' your decision.
Not having your GC for one night, or one week, isn't going to stop them loving you, and your daughter will appreciate you more when you do babysit/childcare.

Yes, us grans can easily be taken advantage of.

My Dd certainly would if I let her. I am nearly 73, and just can’t manage more than a few hours looking after dgs.
Even that tires me out.

It awful to think that we are being used by our AC, but it’s up to us to create boundaries. I have had to do this for the sake of my health.
Only do what you are capable and willing to do.
I also feel guilty if I say no, but we have to occasionally.

When I married my second husband aged 30 I told him there would be no children and he agreed. Seven years later I came off the Pill against my better judgment and my darling son was born soon after. Most ladies don't give it much thought if you ask me. I thought my life would be over. No more holidays, cinema etc. Now at 66 I do all that and sometimes sharing it with my lovely son and his girlfriend and my husband.

To be fair, the other GPsdo - but my daughter had words with them last week because her ex f.i.l. accused her of putting her job before her kids - so she told me she was not going to ask them to have the kids - she was cutting her nose to spite her face, well, my face really?- her ex hardly contributes - he doesn’t earn much and has another woman and child- so basically, I am the fall guy- and now she has got off on her high horse- much as I adore my gc i’m not going to let her use me / perhaps she has already made childcare plans for next week when she goes to France (for her friend’s wedding)-

Not all GC 'go off to uni'. It's an excuse to drink to excess and act irresponsibly, often in the pursuit of degrees of litte value.

I think it's incredibly cheeky to make arrangements to go away for a whole week beforeasking you if you would or could manage to have the GC.
IMO you did exactly the right thing in texting that you expect her ex to take some responsibility. The other GPs could help out too.
Stick to your guns whilst reassuring your GC that you love them to bits but are not in the best of health and want mum to share their care with their father and other GPs.
Good luck

nannapat1 no no grandparent should have to feel that but enough threads on here show that they need to think about it carefully!

I have to agree with Bridgeit and JanaNana: some of the views expressed here are really rather judgemental and odd. I would hope that looking after your grandchildren (if you are able to) should be a pleasure, not an obligation leaving you feeling over burdened: that's too much. I certainly don't think that any grandparent should feel that they have to say yes to every request for care for fear that they might be denied seeing their GC if they don't.
As for expressing a view on the ex husband's responsibilities, if you are involved enough to be constantly asked to provide care, then you surely have a right to comment on his support, or lack of it.

Texting is the normal method of communication these days, so I don't think there was anything wrong at all in what you did. DD won't have taken offence I'm sure. As for the other matter, surely the other dgps could take their turn at hosting the dgds? They might be delighted to do so.

Dont feel guilty you have a life as well .minhave grandchildren and look after them when I can but still working full time in childcare job so I think theybknow my limitations . Texting migh nit have been the answer but at least you've made that step of compromise. Good luck to you and watch your health.

Speak to otherwise your feelings might boiler over and you might lose all of them.

Who knows but one day your daughter might feel the same about being the only one getting asked to help look after you, and love you as she does she might feel the same.

Just the same I'd be telling her you're feeling your age/health a bit recently with these more frequent and longer visits and you don't want to let her down, and do love the g/kids to death but you simply don't always feel up to it.

OR do what these kids call chilling out. Just tell them they might want to do teenage stuff but you want to Grandma stuff. You don't have to entertain them....or make the tea....or drive them to places, unless you feel like it.

Sorry crazyH I should have also said that you are quite right not to want to be landed with the GC for a week if you don't feel up to it. And if your daughter contacted you by text there is nothing wrong with responding by text.
Looking after the GC should not need to be a chore. If that is what it has become then something must change. Its a shame that your daughter is not asking somebody to share the load with you.

I'm not really clear whether your daughter has fallen out with her ex inlaws crazyH? They might love the idea of looking after the GC but never be given the opportunity.

Personally I love looking after the GC when asked - DIL and her mother works full-time but I can be around when needed. Typically I'll do half-term or pick up after school for a few days, but I live a long way away so it is not a regular event and I stay in their house for a while which is easier.

I do very much enjoy seeing them. I'm only in my mid sixties and in good health, but I am on my knees by the end of the week!

Sorry but I’m a bit lost here, I don’t think that this should be a daughter problem, but more of a spending time with your GCs ‘problem’ unless they are a real handful, then that’s a different ball game.
If I sat and thought about it, I and my DH have probably been ‘taken advantage’ of, but who cares? It meant and still means that we get to spend lots of time with our GCs who are still a delight to be with, the children love coming here to stay and for us that’s the main thing, they always say that it’s their holiday too.

It won’t be too long until they are off to University and we probably won’t see much of them.

As grantante says, get them to help around the house, my GD is making cakes as we speak and GS is tidying the sitting room, although I use the term loosely! Surely it’s nice to have them to stay?

I think you're wonderful, crazyH ! Grandchildren are hard work and expensive , so you've done well all this time .
Maybe now a wee bit tired and needing time to yourself , the kids will soon be up and away and you've helped them on their flight . Having said all this , what does your daughter do for childcare this summer - maybe one more year of your excellent help , they won't need you next year . Big hugs and a medal for being a strong loving support !

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. Unless you have a very formal relationship with your daughter, and that is not the impression I get, you are well within your rights to ask why the children's father is shirking his responsibilities and to suggest that the grandchildren spend some time with the other grandparents.

Phone your daughter as others have suggested and explain the position. If she blows up - that just can't be helped, can it? Frankly, a mother of a fifteen and sixteen year old may need a week's holiday on her own, but she cannot possibly expect to get it, or indeed should want it, if she has not made reasonable arrangements as to where her children are to stay.

My blood runs cold at the very thought of what unsupervised 15 - 16 year olds can and probably will get up to.

When the GC come to stay, tell them that at your age you are not as strong as you used to be (as their mother is) and that you need them to help. They know you love them, and I am sure they love you, so rope them in preparing meals, making beds, cleaning bathroom etc.

Hi crazyH

I'm with you all the way. I disagree with other posters who suggest texting isn't perhaps the right medium for your response. Your daughter thought it ok to use it as the way to connect with you to ask so why not respond that way if it's the family method of communication. You've done the right thing. There are times when you need to put yourself first, it would be ridiculous for anyone to consider that a refusal to help on an occasion sends a message about your feelings for your grandchildren. Also I don't think you've done anything wrong in suggesting the children's father steps up or at the very least takes some responsibility for arranging alternative care. That's what families do - they suggest, they voice their thoughts and why on earth shouldn't you state the obvious in this regard? Hang on in there and I wish you well with your health and your seniors group, hope you are having some fun. x

crazyH your daughter texted you and you replied, stick to your guns! Don't make it too easy for her too always rely on you.

Your daughter is being inconsiderate and certainly not accepting that you are on your own, 74 and not in the best of health, be firm, stand by what you have said and definitely don't feel guilty.

Lucky you flexible friend I left my 15 (nearly 16 year old) daughter and a friend at my house while I took her two much younger sisters camping for a weekend, in countryside 20 mins away! There was a neighbour checking in with them and their father popped in once a day too, meals were prepared and only had to be heated up.
I have recently been accused by her (now an adult) of negligence in doing so? seems you can’t win?

I imagine your daughter has always seen you as the rock on which she can depend ,and probably simply didn't pick up on the resentment you feel towards her. I really hope this situation does not escalate . Probably best for us all to contact Gransnet before dashing off texts rather than after!

Why does your DD think she has a right to depend on you for looking after her children so much. Has she considered looking for a job that doesn't take her away from home. The children are her responsibility, not yours. Obviously you want to have a good relationship with gc. However the way things are you may well end up resenting them. Your daughter needs to address her responsibilities.

CrazyH you seem quite angry with your daughter "mean business" "first move" etc. My instincts are that your anger is about more than this incident but only you can know that. Please please be careful that this doesn't escalate to "not speaking"/Cut off/estrangement. You seem to be determined to stubbornly "not give in" ....does your daughter also have that trait too? If so it is a recipe for disaster in situations like this! And as there is so much potential for further upset, then please please leave to your daughter the problem of organising childcare/finding solutions, without commenting, and just focus on your own needs to her ie you just cant manage to do so much anymore! Tho advice is meant kindly!