I feel I am living in a prison

I’m a divorcee and don’t think you’re being selfish. I agree with others that you need your own space but also that maybe you should try and find the underlying reason why this is happening! Cancelling his own plans to join with you is strange and in a way a threat. I don’t think going out without telling him will help because if it’s stress related it will make things worse. Does he have friends that you could talk to? Every sympathy for you. Keep us posted.

I dont have personal experience of this sort of behaviour, but I have seen something similar with close friends. My perception is that the husband is bored and somewhat anxious about declining into old age. When he was working his time was structured for him by the demands of the job, but now he cant find things to do that are meaningful for him, or the self-motivation to do them. At work he had job tasks to complete each week, the encouragement of work colleagues and an order to his life. Now there is a blank space where he reads the paper and watches daytime TV, or tags along with his wife to help carry the shopping she can perfectly well carry herself, as if he is looking for a role in life again. Maybe your OH needs encouragement to take up some hobbies, or even get involved with volunteering. The do-it web site has lots of opportunities to do something useful and meet other people.

*leave

I feel that this message is for you:

Oneness! What a devine privilege to have your spouse want to be so actively apart of your life. For both of you, your years are numbered. Leaf your ego behind and with a grateful heart be thankful to share these last years together.

How did he manage when you went away on business? I wonder if he was looking forward to not being apart so much now that you're both retired. It's obvious that you need more 'space' than he does and I'm not surprised you find it irritating.
I'm concerned too that it may be the beginning of dementia or hopefully simply different needs. Either way you need to talk though it seems that you've tried that and it didn't work. You have my sympathy. This suggestion isn't meant to sound trivial but what about a shed? It could either be a 'she-shed' or a 'man-cave' and could at least provide a separate space for you.

Maybe in his retirement he feels lonely? My mother continued a fairly trivial routine she’d established before my father retired, eschewing time with him. He had worked hard in a physically demanding job with excruciating back pain and had looked forward to retiring and doing things together with my mother. He had a terminal illness and my mother was so wrapped up in her own life she didn’t realise he was dying (although everyone else did). When he died she realised that she should have spent more time with him. So my advive Tuppence21 is ‘be careful what you wish for’

You don't say if he has any friends or interests of his own. Perhaps you could encourage him to take something up which he can do independently of you.

I've suffered with anxiety off and on for years, one of my symptoms is I couldn't go out on my own to somewhere new.
Could this be the case with your DH? Since giving up work he maybe worried about being alone and something happening to you when you're out and about? I know it's unreasonable to expect to go everywhere as a couple and you need a life of your own. Does your DH have hobbies or do voluntary work? Maybe he needs find a passion in retirement.
Visit to the GP would a good start.
Flowers

Oh dear, discounting early signs of dementia, perhaps he just loves you and wants to spend time with you?
Or perhaps he has health worries which he has not yet shared and feels insecure without you?
If I had known that my time with Paw after his last illness in hospital was only to be 8 weeks I know I wouldn’t have “escaped” to Waitrose when I did

He is obviously feeling deeply insecure for some reason. Bottom line is tho that if he continues to smother you it will slowly but surely erode any love that you have for him, and you will then walk out the door permanently. So his “ controlling” behaviour is only succeeding in pushing you away. As you have tried to talk without resolve, ask him to go to marriage guidance and maybe he will take heed of a stranger. If he refuses to go, or change ... then you have to make some decisions, because if he truly loves you, he will try anything to resolve your issues. Good luck ....

If this is new behaviour I would be most concerned and as OP have said seek advice. My sister's FIL gradually became very ill with some sort of dementia and wouldn't let his wife (my sister's lovely MIL)out of his sight. When I sat and chatted with him at a family get together and asked why he needed to go home (after he'd been standing in front of his wife asking to go) he exhibited real fear. Only you can know if this is "just!" Controlling behaviour or something else.

Have you sat down with him and asked why he appears to be so worried etc if you are going out anywhere without him? Talk about how he goes out on his own without you interrogating him etc and ask him why he feels he must do this with you. Try to ask questions and really listen ...tell him you can't go on like this but you really want to understand why he feels this way and you really want to find solutions to suit both of you. And make sure you keep telling him that you enjoy your outings together as part of the conversation. Hope you can sort it out.

Dear Tuppence 21, you are going to make yourself ill with this worry. Taking your mobile with you in case you need to contact your H is an easy compromise. The only thing I can think of for a few months until this settles down is a weekly planner, stating where you are going together and when you are out on your own. Do it 50-50, hopefully he will soon get used to this, and you can relax. Stick to your guns though if you are visiting a friend that is what you are doing. Good luck

Oh Tuppence I can relate to this! Maybe not quite as extreme (no joint hairdresser visits!), but my DH frequently wants me to accompany him on any trip out. E.g. he's in the middle of a project outside and finds he needs more screws. "Going to B&Q - do you want to come?" Yes, sounds innocuous enough, but if I say no (which I often do, especially if I'm in the middle of doing something myself!) then these little refusals are stored up and used against me, "oh you never want to do anything with me, do you!" (always shouted, always accusatory).
Equally when he sees me putting my shoes on, he immediately asks "where are you going?" with an offer to come with me. I've so often had to say no to him, that I just like to go out by myself and have a browse around the shops, but I know I'm risking a row each time I do this.
What I've taken to doing is getting ready, quietly, upstairs, then coming down, picking up my keys and bag and saying "I'm just off down the road, won't be long" not giving him a chance to draw breath, never mind invite himself along. Then if I want to stay out for longer than I implied, I'll text and let him know that I won't be back till xyz o'clock after all.
The thing is, when we were both working, I worked Mon-Fri and had the weekends off. He worked on Saturdays, so I was used to pleasing myself then, often going out if the weather was good, visiting different places in the area and wandering around. But as soon as we retired that all changed and I felt utterly stifled. I've had to dig my heels in, and to be fair, after several years, the moods and rows are less frequent. So maybe you need to take a very firm stand and tell him in no uncertain terms that since you are not surgically connected to him there is no earthly reason why he should accompany you everywhere, 24/7!

I remeber my mother telling me ruefully that, after she retired, she couldn't even go clothes shopping without my father 'tagging along'. You really have to get to the bottom of what is causing this and put an end to it, as the longer it goes on, the more entrenched your OH's expectations are going to be. Very best of luck.

I'm really sorry for your situation, whilst it's good to have time together but not in the way you describe, it seems your husband has developed some anxieties It's so important to have that one to one time with an elderly parent in their final years, assuming they are compos mentis and you get on well, I'm glad I was able to do that with my mother it was invaluable for our relationship and it's something I will always look back on. I hope you are able to negotiate time alone with your mother at the very least.

Perhaps he feels lost, early retirement for health reasons isn't a choice , possibly he feels unnerved being alone in the home.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I have never posted before and I was beginning to think I was just being paranoid. I now realise I am not and will start to make some house rules. Thank you all

Baggs wrote:
"Can you not just go out without saying anything?"
That's what I do (almost). He worries about me a lot, so I just say "I'm going out - see you soon."
He also insists I take my mobile with me so I can call him if necessary.
I don't do that when he goes out - it's a relief!

You must feel stifled. It is becoming an unhealthy obsession especially considering his previous tolerance when you were working abroad.
It doesn't sound that he is afraid from being apart from you as he goes out alone but seems that he can't bear for you to go out alone, hence the inquisition when you return. The question is why? Does he fear you may get lost, get run over, skip off with some toyboy and never return?
Most men would not be the slightest bit interested in details of a meeting with girlfriends and even less in a trip to the hairdressers.
If this were posted on Mumsnet you would be inundated with replies about bullying and controlling behaviour.
As for getting away for couple days and he reporting you missing to the police, well he would get short thrift from them as you are not a vulnerable adult and had left him a note saying that you just needed a break. I too think a chat with his GP may be a good idea.

All good suggestions but try to think about other things about his behaviour that have changed. If other things have altered, a trip to the gp might be in order. Otherwise, as Monica says, a serious talk not a discussion.

The time for discussion is gone. The time has come to sit him down and tell him firmly that as much as you love him, if you are to remain 24/7 in his company the result will be murder. Tell him how many days or hours you want to yourself each week and what you may be doing with your time and present it to him as a fait accompli. No discussion - then do it.

Suggest he find things to do to take him out of the house without you.

I haven't faced this problem, thank heavens. I need my

So sorry to hear this. No solution, this is beyond my experience but you do need to find a way out of this. It cannot go on.

I wonder why suddenly he has to be with you every time you go out. Has anything happened that you know that might have set this off? It does seem very odd. OK, he hopes to spend more time with you now you are both retired, but wanting to go with you to the hairdressers is a bit OTT.

I am in a similar situation in that my OH never goes out - at all - and hates it if I do. He certainly does not want to come with me!

I hope you can find some way of sorting this out between you.

If I understand you correctly Tuppence21 this behaviour is something quite new on your husband's part. Is there perhaps a connection to the health issues that necessitated early retirement?

I certainly would not be able to put up with the behaviour you describe, but I gather discussing it with him hasn't really helped. Have you asked him why he feels the need to be with you all the time?

I am wondering whether he rightly or wrongly feels that time is running out for him? Could it be an indication of the onset of Alzheimer's? I'm no expert; perhaps you could have a word with your husband's doctor?

If there is no sensible reason for his change of attitude, I think you certainly need to put your foot down firmly and tell him that to you retirement does not mean that you have to spend all twenty-fours hours of every day of the rest of your life in his company.

You should in my opinion still be able to visit your mother, sisters and brothers or friends on your own. Going to the hairdresser on your own is not an unreasonable demand either.