Told your toxic

BlueBelle, as always we can only judge by what we've been told.
The man may have had legitimate complaints about the way the relationship was going. If so, he chose a very hurtful way to try to get those across.

OP How much do you want to continue the relationship? Did you have any doubts about it before the radio programme?
It sounds as if you made all the social arrangements, had he been leaving it all to you then suddenly realised he wasn't making himself heard perhaps.
While you're away you'll be able to take a long cool look at what you really want for the future.

But Farnorth we don’t know what happened before the remark so how can we judge

I would demand that he tells you what he means before you go away or you will end the `relationship` immediately . Why should this be hanging over your head all the time you are away supposedly enjoying yourself . Do you think it has anything to do with your trip? . If it were me I could n`t carry on with someone who was so hurtful but you may feel differently .

I don't think it matters who is right or wrong.
This man has chosen a very hurtful way to try to make his points.

I don’t understand what you think the three months will do is it punishment ? but after the three months punishments is it a clean slate and expecting everything to be dickerty boo if you are totally surprised shocked, upset and don’t understand where it’s all come from then you should talk to him in person
Now my next question to you is how have you behaved in this relationship for him to believe you and it are so toxic something you haven’t told us must have inspired it We are all judging just on your story I wonder if we would be damming him so much if we heard his side, now that would be interesting

Why assume that he will be waiting after three months. Everyone is perhaps assuming that it is the OP who will choose the future and her partner will await instruction. If he is loved and valued then don't risk leaving him to think alone for such a long time. He may take great offence and not be there when you return.

It doesn't really matter too much who is right or wrong. The crux of the matter is that the relationship isn't working.

Why are you all assuming that he is wrong?
We don't know this poster and you are all taking this as fact.
I could post about several people in my family who have negative traits but they wouldn't recognise themselves.

Well if he thinks it's a toxic relationship, if he's right about that then it's better that both of you are out of it. If he's wrong about it, then it's better that YOU are out of it cos he's obviously short of a picnic. No two ways - it's over.

Tell him the programme he should be watching is the one which ends in “You’re fired”!
But in answer to your question about being right or wrong, Yes you are wrong to set this 3 month stay of execution.
How do you think he is going to change?
It’s not the three months on the naughty step he needs -it’s the DOOR.

My reaction would be to immediately make him sit down, if necessary nail his feet to the floor, and discuss openly then and there, exactly what he meant, why he did it and what this meant for your relationship, including discussing whether it should be brought to an end. Whatever the problem, it has obviously been festering for a long time, for him to come up with a plan as contrived as this.

The three month break is a good idea, but only if BOTH of you have a planned and structured agenda about your relationship to think about during this absence so that the discussions when you return have a clear purpose and he cannot hedge and shuffle to try to avoid reaching a clearly understood path for your future relationship or its end.

What an awful way to express his feelings! Did he feel he had to do it this way because he has difficulty talking to you about his concerns in person? Is that on him or you? Have you brushed him off before when he tried to talk about his feelings?

Enjoy the 3 months w/ dd! Meanwhile, think if this relationship is worth saving. If it is, then Relate might be in order. Think about it.

Why does he want a relationship with you if you are so awful?
Has he any suggestions for how he would like you to be instead?
Can you see any truth in anything he's said, or in the radio programme?

You could let him know when you'll be back and ask him to contact you then, if he wants to try to save the relationship.
You can then let him know if you also want to try to do that.

If you do, it sounds like counselling could be a good idea.

Enjoy your time away.

Don’t know why you’d even want to hold onto a relationship like this.

What are your reasons for thinking there’s a future for you both?

ooonana, what a horrible way for him to act and how hurtful for you. I would certainly hold firm on not letting him join you for your visit to your daughter, and I wouldn't be in contact with him during that time either. Use that breathing space to decide what you want from life and whether you want this man to be part of it.

The three months apart sounds like a good time to evaluate what you really want - a relationship with him or a complete break. Hope you find the right solution. Enjoy your holiday.

ooonana I hope you are able to have an enjoyable three months. away and. Use the time to make plans for your future with or without your partner.

I expect that your partner will also be contemplating his future over the next three months

Good luck

The three months bit sounds strange either you are cross enough to finish it or you realise he’s crap at talking through his feelings and carry on
Do you think you ve got a toxic relationship?
Do you want to mend fences if so go to relate or get some private couple counselling otherwise if it’s the nail in the coffin go off to your daughters as a free womanznd only you know the answer to that one
Good luck

Yes it does sound very odd. Did it come completely out of the blue? Think I would find it hard to get over.

Take a break then decide what you want. IF you want to try again I suggest having a third party to help discussions - Relate maybe? Enjoy your break with your daughter

Not sure about the three month embargo, I realise you are going away but think this needs to be talked through sooner rather than later. Some questions, why did he feel unable to tell you how he felt? Why has this erupted after all this time ?
I can understand how upset you feel and very angry but you do need to talk and see each other's point of view.
That's not to say you should continue with the relationship but at least you will have given it your best shot.

Cherrytree59 The reason I threw out three months is because I am off abroad to see my daughter and not around til then...... he was actually due to join me as he always has done for the last eight years or so..... think he may miss out on his winter jolly this year.... I’m really fuming!,

Why on earth choose a radio medium to vent his feelings? Surely after 16 years he could have had a heart to heart discussion with you.
No you are not wrong, it is not you who are toxic, don't mend fences with him, broaden your horizons and build new ones.

Why 3 months?
What are your intentions after this time has elapsed?
Have you told him you are going to see him again in three months?

Sounds a bit like saying your grounded.