Hubby Gone off Physical Relationship

I was interested to read this as I have a marriage which has become celibate. We've been married almost 10 years and lived together for a year before that, following a slow-paced (my husband's choice to keep it slow paced ) year of dating. My husband has since explained the slow pace as he wanted to get to know me without being influenced by a sexual relationship. At the time I wondered if he was in another relationship/ did he just see me as a friend/ etc. However, once things changed and we started living together a few weeks later things went well ! Then, six years ago, he had a very bad year : he was made redundant from a job he enjoyed, had 6 months of unemployment and then had to take on a job he doesn't enjoy. The same year he had heavy losses on the Spanish property market (the properties he owned there were meant to be his pension), his family which he had thought of as very close seemed to fall apart and his mother, whom he absolutely adored, died. After her death he said that life had no meaning without her in it. He has since said this was a grief reaction. He's never really been the same since that year. He talks of feeling really tired all the time, he finds it hard to raise enthusiasm for anything and the back problem which he has had since an accident in his early 30s has become worse. His libido faded rapidly after that and now seems non existent. I've tried telling him how upsetting and hurtful I find this but he just says his back hurts/ he's too tired/ I'm always moaning at him. Perhaps I am because I feel hurt and angry. I've contemplated ending the marriage but we get on well, he's very affectionate, my grandchildren adore him. I've tried asking him to see a counsellor but he won't even discuss doing so. I've tried telling him having a celibate relationship is damaging my feelings for him. I've tried persuading him to see the GP to discuss the constant tiredness, the back pain, the lack of libido, that sometimes he flares up and over-reacts to things which happen which really aren't that big an issue. Friends have suggested depression/ testosterone deficiency/ the possibility of something seriously wrong. He refuses to see the GP. He's currently using Poundland reading glasses rather than go to see an optician for an eye test, even though as he's 63 it would be free. I'm at a loss to know what to do as in other ways it is a happy marriage. It seems from the posts that I am not alone in this situation, which is was beginning to feel as friends don't have the same problem. I feel helpless not knowing what to do to make things better and wonder if I should just accept that the physical side of our relationship is over.

Kircubbin that’s a horrible thought
I can’t believe people are actually saying take a lover Surely marriage is about deep love for another through thick or thin with sex as a beautiful extra (if you enjoy sex) and if one or othe4 doesn’t or is ill and can’t, you adjust either to cuddling / closeness or to a vibrator or similar Surely you don’t consider adultery just because your partner can’t or doesn’t want to perform
If the sex is more important than the person then leave and start again if the person is more important than the sex you find a way round it surely it’s not the only thing in the marriage that’s important
If he lost a leg or arm or became ill would you leave him for a new whole person ?
How would all you folks saying take a lover feel if you weren’t too interested in sex and the man started going to prostitutes ?? I bet he’d be in the wrong and you d all be decrying him for being selfish or a sex mad or something

Have you tried sexy underwear, or anything else that used to turn you DH on? I assume you have; but could the problem basically be that what you always has done, have become a little boring? Perhaps you need to try something new.

Seven years isn't a big age gap, but your DH may suddenly be feeling old and undesirable and can't get round to telling you so. I felt like that for most of the year following my sister's death and didn't really want sex, but kept on for my husband's sake. Now, happily, I want him and sex again, so perhaps it will come right for you and your DH too. In that particular case, it saved the marriage, but finally my friend got tired of being the other woman and broke off the relationship.

Right now you must be feeling pretty frustrated, so a vibrator might help, but it is not going to solve the basic problem: why your DH no longer wants sex.

It sounds to me, as if he does not know what is wrong himself, and until he does know, he can't tell you what the matter is either. A lot of people shrink from discussing sex with others - and the thought of talking to someone outside the relationship can be very off-putting.

Be patient a little longer, then if things don't right themselves, perhaps you should consider whether you and your husband could live with you having a lover? I know it isn't morally the best choice, but as you don't want to leave your husband, it might be worth considering very, very seriously, as obviously, it could be a potentially very difficult situation, if you do choose to go down that path.

I had a good friend who was the mistress of a married man whose wife, due to illness, was no longer able or willing, I don't know which, to have sex. She knew and had suggested to her husband that he should find an "accommodating" friend.

There are lots of men whole wives have lost interest.Perhaps you could meet up a few times a week without telling your husband.

Nanaplenty your situation mirrors mine. I too was in my late 50s and DH almost a decade older. I had a bad fall and experienced severe pain in my leg for about two months and then realised that there had been no sex between us for a good while. My raising this made it an 'issue' and then it did become the elephant in the room. Like marionk I have learned not to care and if I could have an affair and not get caught I would do so as I can't believe that any man who would withdraw from his wife in that way still loves her. It's not necessary for a man to complete the sex act to give a woman pleasure so in my book there's no excuse other than laziness or just not caring. Unfortunately, it's not always possible to extricate yourself from a marriage late in life when there are children and grandchildren so we put up with a situation which is far less than what we want. Glad you made this posting because it's something that I have never had the courage to talk about with anybody at all.

lovebooks is right - if (lack of) sex is the only issue, use a vibrator. It sounds as if you still love each other. Is there still physical affection, ie you can cuddle up together?

Some people have date nights...or lunches...no pressure...both relaxed....doesnt have to cost the earth...something to look forward to...just an idea?

You're still obviously very affectionate with each other, so try a vibrator for the sex.

I feel for you but have no answers as I experienced the same thing. The lack of intimacy is rejection and it cuts like a knife. I eventually split up with my partner of 14 years because it turned into a battle ground and I resented him terribly.

I think its far more common than we're led to believe. A lot of men just go off sex as they age. It's assumed that men are 'up for it' (pardon the pun!) far more than they actually are.

Robot lovers, that's what we need. One day. I bet that'll be the norm, and the human man might be consigned to the wardrobe.

I think with men it's to do with a loss of testosterone as they get older. Sex drive goes down, but they often become gentler, good with grandchildren, shopping, gardening etc, in fact almost feminine traits. I know you can test for testosterone levels, and have injections. If it is a hormone problem then all the talking in the world won't help.

You're not alone. Following a severe bout of depression my DH gave up on any form of sexual action in his 40s. I tried everything & pleaded with him to get some help but he just said he wasn't interested anymore. That was it! I was heart broken.
He knows that now -about 20 years later -I still miss sex & I have told him straight that if he goes first I will take a lover although I'd not want to live with another man. He just says good for you!
I think it is extremely selfish TBH but men are delicate about their libido & there was no way he way going to ask for help.
I feel for you & totally understand how you feel.

Most relationships consist of 2 people and both of their wants and needs are of equal importance. When there is a difference of opinion, some argue, some negotiate, some give and take, some compromise. You don’t have to actually have penetrative sex, there are many other ways for him to satisfy you and as some one already said, vibrators, maintaining the intimacy. I am of the ilk that when there’s an elephant in the room, I have to jump on it ! Have you asked your husband what he expects you to do ? Have the conversation about a lover, paid or not, even if you could never do that, test the water and gauge his reaction to see the depth of how much he is considering you. If he is dismissing everything, the Dr, viagra, counselling etc., at some stage your feelings for him will just start to erode thro total lack of consideration. I wish you well ...

Our marriage licence cost 37.5 pence I think... what a bargain he got!!!

Hi NanaPlenty.... experienced it!? I’m living it. My husband got to 50 and just stopped having any interest at all. Just stopped dead. Said he’d never really liked sex and now felt he could make the decision to stop. I was 45 at the time. Tried everything, but to no avail.... wasn’t interested in sex at all anymore he said. No explanation was given and we’ve both been celibate since then. That’s 19 years and counting! He did try viagara...it was useless. Doctor said it only works if you WANT sex... he didn’t and doesn’t! Our relationship is null and void. I keep house for him ( unpaid of course)...and he watches television 15 hours a day!! Go now girl...go..go and don’t look back.

Do you still share cuddles or has all physical contact stopped? Has he been checked for prostate issues? That can cause discomfort in the nether regions and put men off.

I think you still need to feel/have "the desire for sex" in order for Viagra to work properly . It won't work otherwise .

This is a very difficult situation - if your husband is depressed and knows you are missing sex it could make him worse to think he's letting you down - the same thing goes for you using a vibrator. On the other hand you are very young to go without for the rest of your life. Do you think there is any chance of his being willing over Christmas to try the viagra as a present to you? Perhaps treat it as a joke, - a "let's see what happens if you try it" sort of attitude, treating it very lightheartedly and not showing that you care or have great expectations from it - so that if it doesn't work he will not feel that he has let you down.
I suppose it's not possible to grind up a tablet and put it in a brownie!
For many people the cuddles and affection are worth far more than the sex, you are very lucky to have them, but at the same time, you are entitled to expect a full physical relationship and it must be very hard to manage without when you live with someone you love. I can only suggest lots of physical exercise - running, swimming etc, and try to avoid falling for the hunky trainers you meet at the gym!

Nanaplenty
There are many older men who due to health issues cannot have a full sexual relationship in every sense of the word.
There are ways in which we can give satisfaction to our partners so an expert in that field would advise. If your husband is not willing to go for some advice, no not down some back street seedy establishment but a fully qualified person, on how you can have a loving and sexual relationship then I would question why?
Do you still share the same bed?Did you previously have a satisfying sexual relationship ?How long have you been together Until the two of you go together and get some advice you are not going to find a solution.Dh may be happy with the situation but you at 58 do not have to go along with it Can you visualise the next ten years in celibacy?

My ex gave up wanting sex more than once every couple of months before he was 50 which was a huge problem for me as I was 10yrs younger, there was a lack of intimacy too. I tried to find out the reasons, tried to get him to go for counselling or the GP for 10 years before I quit - he was shocked when I said I was leaving him and suddenly he wanted to do the counselling etc, but it was too late for me, I had taught myself not to care anymore in self defence.

Get yourself a vibrator.

Sometimes it is a zinc deficiency - try oysters?

Good luck!

I suppose he is not on the way to diabetes type 2?

All kinds of feelings around a partner not wanting sex OP. Touch is important to human beings. If there's none of that either n wonder you are feeling anxious.
It can make you feel bad about yourself and you start to doubt your own attractiveness and that will make you feel bad about yourself.
Or the resentment at his lack of understanding and effort. He could still play a part if not a full one.
But if it's that "I'll explode if I don't have sex" feeling can I suggest a vibrator - just to take some of the pressure off (or on!).

All sorts of medication can have an effect on erection so it's worth checking that out. You obviously still have a close relationship and there are other ways to enjoy ech other without penetration. "For better, for worse" and all that!