Hubby Gone off Physical Relationship

Nanaplenty
There are many older men who due to health issues cannot have a full sexual relationship in every sense of the word.
There are ways in which we can give satisfaction to our partners so an expert in that field would advise. If your husband is not willing to go for some advice, no not down some back street seedy establishment but a fully qualified person, on how you can have a loving and sexual relationship then I would question why?
Do you still share the same bed?Did you previously have a satisfying sexual relationship ?How long have you been together Until the two of you go together and get some advice you are not going to find a solution.Dh may be happy with the situation but you at 58 do not have to go along with it Can you visualise the next ten years in celibacy?

This is a very difficult situation - if your husband is depressed and knows you are missing sex it could make him worse to think he's letting you down - the same thing goes for you using a vibrator. On the other hand you are very young to go without for the rest of your life. Do you think there is any chance of his being willing over Christmas to try the viagra as a present to you? Perhaps treat it as a joke, - a "let's see what happens if you try it" sort of attitude, treating it very lightheartedly and not showing that you care or have great expectations from it - so that if it doesn't work he will not feel that he has let you down.
I suppose it's not possible to grind up a tablet and put it in a brownie!
For many people the cuddles and affection are worth far more than the sex, you are very lucky to have them, but at the same time, you are entitled to expect a full physical relationship and it must be very hard to manage without when you live with someone you love. I can only suggest lots of physical exercise - running, swimming etc, and try to avoid falling for the hunky trainers you meet at the gym!

I think you still need to feel/have "the desire for sex" in order for Viagra to work properly . It won't work otherwise .

Do you still share cuddles or has all physical contact stopped? Has he been checked for prostate issues? That can cause discomfort in the nether regions and put men off.

Hi NanaPlenty.... experienced it!? I’m living it. My husband got to 50 and just stopped having any interest at all. Just stopped dead. Said he’d never really liked sex and now felt he could make the decision to stop. I was 45 at the time. Tried everything, but to no avail.... wasn’t interested in sex at all anymore he said. No explanation was given and we’ve both been celibate since then. That’s 19 years and counting! He did try viagara...it was useless. Doctor said it only works if you WANT sex... he didn’t and doesn’t! Our relationship is null and void. I keep house for him ( unpaid of course)...and he watches television 15 hours a day!! Go now girl...go..go and don’t look back.

Our marriage licence cost 37.5 pence I think... what a bargain he got!!!

Most relationships consist of 2 people and both of their wants and needs are of equal importance. When there is a difference of opinion, some argue, some negotiate, some give and take, some compromise. You don’t have to actually have penetrative sex, there are many other ways for him to satisfy you and as some one already said, vibrators, maintaining the intimacy. I am of the ilk that when there’s an elephant in the room, I have to jump on it ! Have you asked your husband what he expects you to do ? Have the conversation about a lover, paid or not, even if you could never do that, test the water and gauge his reaction to see the depth of how much he is considering you. If he is dismissing everything, the Dr, viagra, counselling etc., at some stage your feelings for him will just start to erode thro total lack of consideration. I wish you well ...

You're not alone. Following a severe bout of depression my DH gave up on any form of sexual action in his 40s. I tried everything & pleaded with him to get some help but he just said he wasn't interested anymore. That was it! I was heart broken.
He knows that now -about 20 years later -I still miss sex & I have told him straight that if he goes first I will take a lover although I'd not want to live with another man. He just says good for you!
I think it is extremely selfish TBH but men are delicate about their libido & there was no way he way going to ask for help.
I feel for you & totally understand how you feel.

I think with men it's to do with a loss of testosterone as they get older. Sex drive goes down, but they often become gentler, good with grandchildren, shopping, gardening etc, in fact almost feminine traits. I know you can test for testosterone levels, and have injections. If it is a hormone problem then all the talking in the world won't help.

Robot lovers, that's what we need. One day. I bet that'll be the norm, and the human man might be consigned to the wardrobe.

I think its far more common than we're led to believe. A lot of men just go off sex as they age. It's assumed that men are 'up for it' (pardon the pun!) far more than they actually are.

I feel for you but have no answers as I experienced the same thing. The lack of intimacy is rejection and it cuts like a knife. I eventually split up with my partner of 14 years because it turned into a battle ground and I resented him terribly.

You're still obviously very affectionate with each other, so try a vibrator for the sex.

Some people have date nights...or lunches...no pressure...both relaxed....doesnt have to cost the earth...something to look forward to...just an idea?

lovebooks is right - if (lack of) sex is the only issue, use a vibrator. It sounds as if you still love each other. Is there still physical affection, ie you can cuddle up together?

Nanaplenty your situation mirrors mine. I too was in my late 50s and DH almost a decade older. I had a bad fall and experienced severe pain in my leg for about two months and then realised that there had been no sex between us for a good while. My raising this made it an 'issue' and then it did become the elephant in the room. Like marionk I have learned not to care and if I could have an affair and not get caught I would do so as I can't believe that any man who would withdraw from his wife in that way still loves her. It's not necessary for a man to complete the sex act to give a woman pleasure so in my book there's no excuse other than laziness or just not caring. Unfortunately, it's not always possible to extricate yourself from a marriage late in life when there are children and grandchildren so we put up with a situation which is far less than what we want. Glad you made this posting because it's something that I have never had the courage to talk about with anybody at all.

There are lots of men whole wives have lost interest.Perhaps you could meet up a few times a week without telling your husband.

Have you tried sexy underwear, or anything else that used to turn you DH on? I assume you have; but could the problem basically be that what you always has done, have become a little boring? Perhaps you need to try something new.

Seven years isn't a big age gap, but your DH may suddenly be feeling old and undesirable and can't get round to telling you so. I felt like that for most of the year following my sister's death and didn't really want sex, but kept on for my husband's sake. Now, happily, I want him and sex again, so perhaps it will come right for you and your DH too. In that particular case, it saved the marriage, but finally my friend got tired of being the other woman and broke off the relationship.

Right now you must be feeling pretty frustrated, so a vibrator might help, but it is not going to solve the basic problem: why your DH no longer wants sex.

It sounds to me, as if he does not know what is wrong himself, and until he does know, he can't tell you what the matter is either. A lot of people shrink from discussing sex with others - and the thought of talking to someone outside the relationship can be very off-putting.

Be patient a little longer, then if things don't right themselves, perhaps you should consider whether you and your husband could live with you having a lover? I know it isn't morally the best choice, but as you don't want to leave your husband, it might be worth considering very, very seriously, as obviously, it could be a potentially very difficult situation, if you do choose to go down that path.

I had a good friend who was the mistress of a married man whose wife, due to illness, was no longer able or willing, I don't know which, to have sex. She knew and had suggested to her husband that he should find an "accommodating" friend.

Kircubbin that’s a horrible thought
I can’t believe people are actually saying take a lover Surely marriage is about deep love for another through thick or thin with sex as a beautiful extra (if you enjoy sex) and if one or othe4 doesn’t or is ill and can’t, you adjust either to cuddling / closeness or to a vibrator or similar Surely you don’t consider adultery just because your partner can’t or doesn’t want to perform
If the sex is more important than the person then leave and start again if the person is more important than the sex you find a way round it surely it’s not the only thing in the marriage that’s important
If he lost a leg or arm or became ill would you leave him for a new whole person ?
How would all you folks saying take a lover feel if you weren’t too interested in sex and the man started going to prostitutes ?? I bet he’d be in the wrong and you d all be decrying him for being selfish or a sex mad or something

I was interested to read this as I have a marriage which has become celibate. We've been married almost 10 years and lived together for a year before that, following a slow-paced (my husband's choice to keep it slow paced ) year of dating. My husband has since explained the slow pace as he wanted to get to know me without being influenced by a sexual relationship. At the time I wondered if he was in another relationship/ did he just see me as a friend/ etc. However, once things changed and we started living together a few weeks later things went well ! Then, six years ago, he had a very bad year : he was made redundant from a job he enjoyed, had 6 months of unemployment and then had to take on a job he doesn't enjoy. The same year he had heavy losses on the Spanish property market (the properties he owned there were meant to be his pension), his family which he had thought of as very close seemed to fall apart and his mother, whom he absolutely adored, died. After her death he said that life had no meaning without her in it. He has since said this was a grief reaction. He's never really been the same since that year. He talks of feeling really tired all the time, he finds it hard to raise enthusiasm for anything and the back problem which he has had since an accident in his early 30s has become worse. His libido faded rapidly after that and now seems non existent. I've tried telling him how upsetting and hurtful I find this but he just says his back hurts/ he's too tired/ I'm always moaning at him. Perhaps I am because I feel hurt and angry. I've contemplated ending the marriage but we get on well, he's very affectionate, my grandchildren adore him. I've tried asking him to see a counsellor but he won't even discuss doing so. I've tried telling him having a celibate relationship is damaging my feelings for him. I've tried persuading him to see the GP to discuss the constant tiredness, the back pain, the lack of libido, that sometimes he flares up and over-reacts to things which happen which really aren't that big an issue. Friends have suggested depression/ testosterone deficiency/ the possibility of something seriously wrong. He refuses to see the GP. He's currently using Poundland reading glasses rather than go to see an optician for an eye test, even though as he's 63 it would be free. I'm at a loss to know what to do as in other ways it is a happy marriage. It seems from the posts that I am not alone in this situation, which is was beginning to feel as friends don't have the same problem. I feel helpless not knowing what to do to make things better and wonder if I should just accept that the physical side of our relationship is over.

I'm overwhelmed so many of you have offered advice. Babylayla you sound very like me, sometimes months go round with no physical contact. I have a vibrator but it doesn't make up for the closeness that comes from intimacy in marriage for me. The more time passes the more I can feel myself shutting down - a bit like marionk I'm not at the point of leaving but I'm starting to feel unattractive and undervalued. It's a bit like being a live in housekeeper - my hubby is t always the easiest personality to live with and some days I think without a physical relationship I might as well be living with anyone or on my own. Maybe it will take a shock to make him do something about this. The trouble is our GP is t really helpful and just says try viagra or I can send you to a urologist.....he isn't on any medication so that's not the problem. I wonder if maybe I should go for Counselling on my own I just can't seem to face admitting what's wrong - which is very unlike me and a sure sign my self esteem is low!

Marion6 sorry you are having these problems too.

Its hardly surprising that the women are struggling to know what to do. The truth is that you can't 'sort it out' on your own. It takes input from both people in the marriage to work through problems.

MissAdventure - you're right and that's what I expect. If the shoe was on the other foot I sure wouldn't expect him to just put up with it.

Your last sentence jumped out at me, marionk. I still feel sad
sometimes that our relationship has changed so profoundly.
But I tried so hard for years to "help" my husband who became impotent after prostatectomy. He had support and advice from doctors, we did counselling etc etc.
He will not talk about any of this. And to save my sanity I have stopped trying and concentrate on my wonderful friends instead.
We live together but I feel we are like housemates....sad