Harassment at home

I think it would count as harrassment ( although not in law)
If either a husband or wife kept being demanding when they knew full well that the other didn’t want it.
I gather you are not talking about actual rape here,? That would be different.
Shows the importance of speaking up for yourself and having some understanding.

Could be other issues at play though.

If the person demanding sex from or harrassing their partner has dementia (particularly the types like vascular dementia where inhibitions are lost) and they have lost understanding then it needs reporting to SS, the GP, the mental health team and, possibly, the police.

To what end Kitty what would you expect them to do about it?

I think this is very difficult to judge and talk about.
My H has dementia and has basically forgotten!!
But this is the difference in the sexes, a man with an ill wife might still expect and continue to have sex with his wife/partner.
A woman in the same situation could hardly do the same in my humble opinion.
It would probably never be found out in the first case depending on the level of illness.
If a man forced himself on a woman just fed up and feeling too old I imagine she could have him charged with harassment or assault.

Just as marital rape is now recognised as a crime so I guess harassment within a marriage might also be seen as unacceptable, or indeed a crime.

As annsixty rightly observes it is not always about sexual incompatibility, but it can be caused by dementia/PD/other neurological conditions; and also by some of the medications used to treat these - an increase in libido is a known side effect of some drugs used in these conditions and the challenge for the spouses is huge. How to deal with this kindly with someone whose behaviour is drug-induced? So hard.

In the case of a dementia patient, they might be able to suggest medication that might help. In any case, it is good for all the services to be aware.

Although it is fairly rare, it is something that the Alzheimer's Society is aware of and can give advice on.

On one of the Alzheimer's Carer's courses we had a woman who had a 'safe' room that she could go into and then call for help.

On another course for people with an early diagnosis, we spent a lot of time avoiding being alone with one of our clients and another wasn't allowed to be alone with his very young granddaughter.

My friend's father spent a whole funeral asking women who were there if they would 'sh*g' him because his effing wife wouldn't. He was the loveliest man imaginable before the dreaded dementia got to him.

I knew a woman whose illness made her paralysed from the waist down, and her husband still expected sex.

Actually, it was from the neck down, although I'm not sure if or why it would be relevant.

Personally if I don't want to then I am not able to make the effort.

To clear the harassment at home bit NO means NO and if you say no and you are not listened to then YES it is harassment and that man needs a kick in the Bal#s

I think when someone is very disabled, they are aware that rocking the marital boat may well result in their main carer; their partner, leaving them, which could be disastrous. That was the case with the person I knew.

kittylester has highlighted some important issues.

If both partners are healthy, then I’d consider continued and unwanted sexual advances to be harassment. Very difficult to address. Frank and open dialogue needed.

I wouldn’t consider it to be an expression of love if the other partner is unwilling. Desire, maybe, but honouring the other partners place in this is important.

Without getting into the nitty gritty of exactly who wants what, it depends on what is required, and finding a place of contact that suits both.

That is an awful situation, MissA.

Yes, it was awful, but then the whole illness was just terrible, in so many ways, I think she just accepted it as yet another thing to endure.

It is a very difficult situation when one partner wants more sex than the other partner is prepared to give. But when we are in a relationship, do we have a duty to at least try to satisfy our partner?

granny23, if you know someone in the position please suggest they get help.

Morgana when we are in a relationship, do we have a duty to at least give some consideration to our partner's feelings?

I agree FarNorth. In a relationship, and with all things being equal ie no medical conditions, domestic abuse etc, surely compromise is the way forward.

The topic came up in a carers' group when the senior nurse from a care home was describing their protocol (or rather lack of protocol) for a situation where the visiting spouse requested 'privacy' with his wife within the Home but the wife was considered to lack the capacity to consent. The staff decided to 'play it by ear' and judge whether the resident was happier or distressed after these visits.

Then someone in the group asked what would happen if it was the person in care, who lacked capacity, who was pushing for 'alone time' with their spouse. Time had run out but informal discussion over coffee revealed that everyone knew someone who was now or had been pressured in this way. No one said that they had personally suffered in this way - it was all about a neighbour, cousin, old friend.........

We have a newish Elderly Mental Health Consultant in our area. He makes a point of speaking with his patient and main carer, both together and separately, which, surprisingly. was never done before. This gives him the opportunity to gently probe for any abuse or difficulties kept hidden within the relationship. He has recognised that no-one will raise this when both partners are present. I have heard, via the Senior Psychiatric Nurse at DH's Day Therapy, that the whole team has been shocked by the abuses that have been identified using this approach, and are now in discussion as to how best to support those involved.

Or maybe they need to go to Relate and get some marriage counseling.

Morgana my response is a resounding No.

This is the "your body is yours to choose what you do with it" debate and if you don't want sex then you don't have to.

Having sex when you really "don't want to" just because you want to be "kind to the partner" is no way to run a relationship and can easily kill off all desire. Believe me! I am not talking assualt here.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
Low testosterone . Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically.

A very difficult issue which really does need airing on here.

Morgana my response is a resounding No.

This is the "your body is yours to choose what you do with it" debate and if you don't want sex then you don't have to.

Having sex when you really "don't want to" just because you want to be "kind to the partner" is no way to run a relationship and can easily kill off all desire. Believe me! I am not talking assualt here.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
Low testosterone . Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically.

A very difficult issue which really does need airing on here.

(Dont know how I got a double post it has happened a few times lately.

Far North
"when we are in a relationship, do we have a duty to at least give some consideration to our partner's feelings?

yes but Our partners should have a similar duty to at least give some consideration to our feelings? It should work both ways .

Starlady , you are misunderstanding some of our concerns.
We may be talking about no mental capacity for counselling and giving consent.
I did have concerns about a couple once but kept them entirely to myself, now I wonder.
The wife was so incapacitated that I wondered how they had ever come to marry, the fact that I found the husband odd didn't help me adding together 2+2 and probably making 5.
I can't explain more it might identify although very unlikely.

What a relief - all you hear from the 'meja' is how people enjoy sex for ever!