Strained relationship with daughter

I think the key here is how you respond to her behaviour! You have said I (ubderstandably) upsets you but how does that manifest itself in front of her? If she is rude / sharp / moody? It sounds like she has to take no responsibility for her behaviour! I don't mean that you have to enter into big arguments though! A few suggestions all said calmly and with no drama......" Good heavens, did you mean to sound s rude as you did then?"; " Oh well I'm happy with it ....so no worries!" ; "You seem angry/upset/ uptight today. Can I help?" ...depending on response followed by "Oh well, I offered!" or " Ok, let me know if you change your mind"; "I seem to be annoying you but I have no idea why, so best if I go. See you soon"; "I seem to be annoying you, would you prefer me to leave as soon as I have finished my lunch?" If the answer is yes ..." That's a shame, but probably best as don't enjoy having to put up with ..."; " what is the matter? " ...the depending in answer, followed by"why do you think that?" ; "what did I do that made you think that?; " why would that make you think that?"; "why didn't you say?" ; "I abt read minds but now I know I will make sure I..." (if it is a reasonable comment Ofcourse! I cant put all examples as your calm response that is adult and putting onus I her has to depend on the specific behaviur/scenario. If you would like to share more specific scenarios to me in a private message, I am happy to suggest possible responses

would a talk with her partner get to the bottom of it? If you get on well with him you could try calling him for updates on her condition and to see how she is emotionally.Maybe she thinks you dont care/arent worried about her and thats why she lashes out

I think Starlady has some wise advice for you Sue421, but I also wonder if your DD has some elements of Borderline Personality Disorder (no reflection on your parenting, by the way, as you say, your DS is fine). It's worth looking up: Wikipedia has a good article. I had to deal with a SD with BPD over 20 years, and it was very difficult, but knowledge helps you to understand and to stop walking on eggshells! In reading threads about 'difficult' children, and sometimes difficult parents, I am often reminded of Step D and our experiences with her. Every good wish in dealing with DD. Remember you will not be doing her any favours by allowing her to abuse you.

Is it possible your DD’s MIL didn’t realise you were well aware of your DD’s hurtful ways? Was she maybe hoping you could advise how to better get on with her DiL?
It’s sad situation for you and those remarks would certainly be hurtful.
My DD and I both used to get exasperated by my mother. When a friend of mine passed a sweepingly critical remark about her we both leapt to her defence. We knew other sides of her and as DD said afterwards ‘We can moan about DG but that doesn’t mean your friend can join in!’

Saggi has the right idea.

None of us are perfect parents, we have all made mistakes, and if your daughter wants to put an overly negative spin on her childhood, that is her issue not yours. It must be hard for you not to take it to heart, but it sounds as if she is unhappy and taking it out on you for whatever reason. None of us should be made to feel uncomfortable by our own kids, whatever age. I am not one for arguments, however, I am plain speaking and intolerant of any rudeness. I would calmly ask her if it makes her feel better by continuously putting you down in front of others. If she explodes, that’s the time to leave, but I would hope that it pricks something in her conscience. By not saying anything tho it enables her to continue to hurt you, I wish you well .....

Luckylegs9...... ?? Really ...bite you tongue. My tongue’s been bitten through after 45 years of marriage. For goodness sake all you married long...houseworked long...worked longed...worried long feisty real women out there...start fighting back. Did feminism completely wash over you all???!!!

It is often more hurtful to cut contact than keep on seeing them. They are your daughters and you still care for them.

Are we more nervous because we expect the hurt.

Maybe the 2 people who told you she was hurtful were looking for a reason and a way they could help and sharing their distress and wondering if they had done something wrong not meaning to hurt you. If you think it is possible talk with her husband. Your daughter may need support and counselling. If it is an hereditary illness this maybe the backlash against everyone.

By the way Willsmadnan.... I totally agree with you...treading on eggshells all my married life..... don’t do it for him now and certsinlyWONT do it for kids!! Well done us!!

My daughter can be ‘difficult’.... but letting her outspokenness... shall we call it... “wash over you” is just not the answer. With my daughter I stopped her in her tracks and told her what she was saying was upsetting to me and I didn’t deserve it ..which is true. She apologised to me and hasn’t expressed nastiness since. Teenagers bad /rude behaviour is one thing...with adult children it’s totally unacceptable . Pull her up ...stop her talking...and tell her she either straightens out and apologises or you walk!! My daughter is like her father.... he was the same with me ( because I’m soft) and was a verbal bully. I stopped him as well! No more of it Sue. Your the mother ... now start proving it.

do ask her for that meal, bite your tongue. You have the rest of Christmas to relax and enjoy. She sounds a very unhappy woman and despite everything she is your daughter and you love her. I think it is always important to let the people you do love know it. You don't have to continue to put up with any behaviour you find upsetting, perhaps it is time just to reduce contact.

" - she criticises , ridicules and is disgusted by everything I do , wear or say,"

Seriously, tiredoldwoman? How would dd react if you treated her this way? Maybe it's time you told her she needs to treat you with the same respect that she expects from anyone else.

"I keep supporting her , financially and practically but I'm getting weary "

Why does she need your financial support if she's working? Is there a goal for when she'll stop needing your help? Could it be she's testy because she feels too dependent on you? The sooner she's on her own two feet, the better things may be.

Is it possible for you to cut back contact with her? If my dd made me feel "jumpy," she would be seeing a lot less of me.

(((Hugs)))

Sue421 and TerriT , I share the same problem so was delighted to read your posts this morning . I thought that I was alone in my suffering ! I feel that my daughter hates me - she criticises , ridicules and is disgusted by everything I do , wear or say . I'm jumpy when I'm with her . Her sister is exactly the opposite but interestingly it's the disgusted one who ran out of her work hysterical when a customer told her that I was off work ill !
I keep supporting her , financially and practically but I'm getting weary . Mothers and daughters !

I would have the meal and keep trying, she IS you DD. I would never give up on my DDs.

I can empathise with you because I have the same problem. Being around dd1 is so difficult. I can do no right and if it wasn't for my lovely grandchildren I would choose to see little of her. She is a closed book and even when I recently asked her if we could talk about why she feels as she does towards me she just refuses to have any discussion. She says she doesn't like emotional conversations. She is coming forthe day in a couple of weeks time and I really dread it as it is such hard work being so careful what I say. My dd2 is the opposite and we have always got along and ironed out any issues with a discussion. So I to think I'd brought home the wrong baby if it wasn't for the family resemblance!

I've just re-read the last few lines of your posting Sue 421. if she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't bother to speak to her. So, as she is obviously upsetting you why bother? Why should one's children make us cry, get us down? When we arrive at what is probably the last third of our lives why should we be worn down by the attitude of our adult children. We do our best when they are young and vulnerable, but we cannot keep walking on eggshells to please them, especially when they have their own lives, partners (for better or worse) and children (which they very probably raise with an entirely different set of values).
There' s a time to say 'We've done our best, if it doesn't suit, well ... tough. '
As you've probably guessed I don't hold with the 'blood thicker than water ' thesis.

But now the first, and I suppose, more significant issue. Your own struggles with dd. You seem to think her illness is a factor and I'm sure it is. But are you and dh also treating her like a child? That might be another part of the problem . Please try to approach her as an adult and respect her choices, etc. the same way you would any other adult (if that's the problem).

I agree with pps that you should do that lunch with her. If you agree to meet up somewhere, as you say, then there will be a natural limit to how much time you're together, which may help. As cornergran says, "minimize the time together, and so, minimize the risk." If you don't mind a couple of other suggestions, please avoid any subjects she's sensitive about, If things start to get tense, change the subject - don't let her draw you into any arguments, if that's what she does (Idk, of course, you didn't say). Be prepared to leave early if you have to, but I hope it doesn't come to that. Object if she's too "sharp" with you ("Excuse me? That was harsh/rude/whatever the appropriate word would be!") and then move the conversation onward. Mostly, please try to keep the conversation light and pleasant, exchange gifts, if any, and enjoy. It's Christmas, after all!

It seems to me there are 2 issues here: 1. your problems w/ dd; 2. her mil's and the other person's making negative comments about her in front of you.

I'll respond to the second issue first. Imo, it was very rude and insensitive and mil and whoever to make these comments to you. They must know it hurts a parent to hear bad things about their child, even if that child is an adult. Was it their intention to hurt? I hope not. Do they think you can persuade her to change her ways? Maybe, but again, I hope not. She's an adult, not a child whose "Mommy" can/should correct her. If they're approaching her that way, then that may be the reason for THEIR issues with her.

But if I were you, I think I would have objected. I would have let them know I don't appreciate their gossipy remarks. And that if they want dd to change, they have to take it up with her, not complain to me.

So difficult, but I empathise with you Sue 421. My elder DD has always been hypercritical with both me, her dad and our DD2. We always thought she had a better childhood than DD2 but for the past 15 or so years she consistently brings up perceived injustices ... stupid things like dragging her 'all over Europe'(her words) on holiday, moving house when she had just started primary school ( honestly ... I really don't think it traumatised her that much) and then we had the selfishness to move again when she was about to start secondary school... the list is endless..
DD2 's childhood was far more impecunious as we had several financial crises when she was growing up (there was 10 years between them) but DD2 has been my soul mate though the difficulties of bereavement, even though she has grieved for her father at the same time as supporting me. DD1 is her usual ...'Oh for God's , get over it'.
I can't get my head round the attitude of two children, brought up with the same loving parents... one sees her childhood as neglectful.. the other as carefree and happy.
I find the only solution is to let it ride..... we raise our children as we think best , but in the end they are their own personalities for better or worse and how they turn out as adults is up to them. I have very little in common with DD1 but I just accept it. I have often thought I came home with someone else's baby, but she she is the image of her dad, so that blows that one out of the water

Yes I agree with Anniebach invite your daughter, keep trying with her.

Do invite them for the lunch. You may regret you did, you may not, but better that than regret you didn't x

Yes, so hard to hear others be critical of someone we love. I’m wondering, how do you get on with your son in law? How does he react when your daughter, his wife, is difficult? Would he be supportive of you? If your instinct is that you want to see them on Christmas Eve, then I think I’d go ahead, no matter the risk, but do prepare yourself as much as possible and minimise the time together and so minimise the risk. If it’s a case that you think you should do something for them but don’t really want to then maybe your husband is right and it’s not a good plan. Or perhaps opt for a morning coffee instead. I’m so sorry for your pain, sue, it sounds a very difficult situation. It’s plain you love your daughter, as I am sure her Dad does, but loving and liking behaviour are two very different things.

I really feel for you how ever difficult our child may be we don’t want to know they are unpopular with others Do ask her for that meal you will feel bad if you don’t and maybe she needs it too She must be very unhappy to be so harsh to everyone ......I d keep it very lighthearted and let any nastiness float over your head and not bite back or criticise don’t let it go on too long and don’t EXPECT anything back
Good luck xx

How hard for you. You can love someone, but still not like them, or their behaviour.

I am sure that you know that objectively hr behaviour is troublesome, but it is hard to have others endorse that. Sometimes our children do not turn out quite as we would wish. x