Unfaithful hubby

Talk to him now and tell him how you feel. Then forgive him, if he has been a good husband since his infidelity.
I was married to a serial adulterer - I ended up leaving the marriage behind.
I have just forgiven him in the last few months, after not seeing or speaking to him for many many years. So you can do it and you will feel better and can get on with fighting your ill health with his help. Good luck xx

As many others have said I think deep and honest conversations in which you both speak about how it was from your own perspectives is the path to tread. This is really, really hard and painful stuff. If (and it is a very big if) you can do this it is a way of laying ghosts and also leaving legacies of forgiveness and grace, (hopefully not in the immediate future) but also in the longer term. This is not necessarily in a religious sense unless that resonates with you but as a person, wife and mother, grandmother. At this time, when you are facing serious health issues, it is not the time to contemplate the upheaval of separation or divorce. You are going to need all the support you can get. I do hope you receive all the love, care and support that you need over the coming months or years.

You can't leave a letter like that to be read after your death that is cruel. you are angry. and you want revenge. I expect only sometimes you feel like that. You are better than that. What is frightening you about dealing with it now? that he'll leave you? Might he just not say he is sorry and comfort you? be direct. Be angry now and get over it. Don't be dependent on another for your happiness, life is a short gift make the most of it.

Faraway gran, did you know for sure he had cheated? Did someone else tell you ? And you know he is still with you. I think you are dwelling on this at the moment as you are feeling so rotten. Yes perhaps you should talk to him about it. I wish you well.

I had an online 'affair'a few years ago, we never met but it was intense nonetheless...I was utterly flattered by the attention..As I'd only ever had one lady look twice at me (my good wife)..I was short and ugly growing up, with buck teeth..It hurt so much when girls used to say Urgh! About me at school, I've never forgotten it..Needless to say my dalliance was found out by my wife and daughters..And I am so deeply sorry...I dont think I'll ever be fully forgiven, that hurts, and so it should...It turns out, the lady, a married schoolteacher, was merely leading me on..As she enjoys doing with other men constantly........Just to put the Male side of the story....

Sounds like you are hell bent on revenge. The thing about revenge is that there is no satisfaction in getting it unless you are there to see it happen. As it is, you will write a spiteful letter which you will never see opened, and yes, the hurt and upset you cause at that time will be devastating, but you won't be there to witness it. Instead, after writing such a letter, you will think about it all day, every day, imagining the effect it will have. This will eat away at YOU and I imagine you will become more bitter and upset the longer it goes on. So, you have two options. You either shut up and live with it (as you have for so long) or you confront him, probably have an almighty row, but at least clear the air as far as you are concerned. Chances are, being a man, he has absolutely no idea of your festering resentment and the whole thing will be a shock and surprise, because he thought it had been dealt with and gone away. Then you can both deal with it (once again, in his view), make up and move on. I wish you both well and hope you can resolve this together.

My wife and I both worked in the NHS I 38 years and my wife 42 years, in that time my wife was asked numerous times for a date by doctors / visitors /male/female nurses.
I myself worked with some wonderful colleagues
it is fair to say from a platonic point of view I was very fond of most of them [not all] I was also asked by some of them if I would I like to know them "Better" . My wife used to come home and tell me that so and so had asked her for a date and her reply was always "No thank you I already have a date with my husband" My reply to those who asked me was "I wear my wedding ring for good reason not just for show".

If my wife was being pestered by another staff member she told me and I went and told them in no uncertain terms to back off. I thank god every second of the day for my wife and feel honoured and proud to have her as my wife. I can well understand the hurt that must be felt when one finds out that they have been cheated on. Try to put it out of your mind the best you can and let your husband carry the guilt that he was the one who cheated not you.
There is no way in a million years I would cheat on her.

I wonder if talking this through with someone else before you decide whether to write that letter or confront your husband as some people have suggested. Relate (used to be known as the marriage guidance council) will not only see couples but are happy to talk with one partner of the relationship. It might help to talk through your feelings and consider your options first. And asking hubby to go along with at a later date may help too. I think it's important that if you talk your hubby you focus on how you have been feeling without making further accusations because he's likely to get defensive. I do think the most important thing is for you to get support and counselling. It's true as we get older we do reflect on our lives and this certainly can affect how we view past experiences. Please don't let it fester any longer. You do t deserve to be unhappy. Xxx

Write the letter now as easier than a conversation and then talk talk talk it out, you do the talking, let all your feelings out in a calm but honest way, that will immediately release that horrible knot in your guts. Talk and cry until you are done then listen to him. It will bring it all back for a while but I think better than stewing and then gives you both the chance to spend the rest of your time together in peace hopefully x

I do hope your death is not just round the next corner, but having said that at our time of life most of us have faced up to the fact that one day in the not too far off future we are going to die. Certainly, you as a cancer patient have had that fact forced upon you.

Years ago you chose to try and forgive your husband for his infidelity and to stay with him - maybe, I wasn't sure reading what you wrote, mostly for your children's sake.

Please try for both your own sake and his to talk to him about this now, explaining that it is taking up too much of your thoughts and your energy, which you do need to fight your cancer.

I think it is important that you get the best possible out of life for every minute of it and that obviously just is not possible while you are spending so much time and energy thinking of the fact that he did let you down very badly, all that time ago.

I hope I don't sound critical - I admire you for staying with your husband and forgiving him and I think it is fair enough to tell him how much he hurt you behaving as he did.

I hope you and he will be able to finally talk about his infidelity and its consequences for you and move past it, so you can enjoy this stage of your life together.

If you can't talk to him, or he won't talk to you, then I can see why you might want to write a letter, but please unless you really do want to hurt him, which I don't feel you do from what you wrote, do remember that if he does not get the letter while you are still alive, he can't ask you about anything you wrote that he might want to discuss.

How about writing to him now, asking for a free and frank discussion of the past?

I have read and heard it said that adultery does not necessarily have to be the thing that breaks a marriage, but it is a symptom that the marriage needs some attention.

I am not for one minute saying adultery is ok, but the remark points to it being less than a black and white issue.

There must have been some substance to your marriage for it to have survived all these years, but now you are facing a new phase, it is not surprising that you ponder these things once more.

Like others, I do feel it would be better to bring your feelings into the open with your H. They have not been faced and dealt with. You may not even want to 'punish' him really, but the turmoil you are in needs to be relieved.

I think some men are never forgiven, some men never forgive themselves and if you can work on this together, even if the beginning is raw and needs must you have to express hurt again, it might be an opportunity for you both to find more peace of mind.

Only you will know if you have nursed these feelings over the many years that have followed, or if you were able to forgive and forget for a time and that other things have triggered a return of sadness - possibly because you feel vulnerable in life for other reasons now. Maybe there is a positive balance to be found with sharing and receiving what seems to be necessary reassurance from him, without making him feel he has burdened you all the way through.

With your illness comes vulnerability. Perhaps this unfaithfulness has become important as a way of expressing fears surrounding your cancer. You need, very badly, for him to be steadfast and by your side throughout this time. Maybe this is all about reassurance that he'll be there for you now, no matter what.
However, I think you absolutely must not suffer with worry and stress related migraines, you've got to talk with him and put yourself first now. You've borne this for so long. It's time to be free of it.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support.
My husband certainly falls for the 'Damsel in Distress'
I believe had an affair with (who I thought) was a good friend. I suspected things at the time and didn't take up the offer of another friend who suggested going round to X's house to see if his car was there. I said No as I realise now that I didn't want to face the truth. This was in the early years of our marriage. I never confronted him. We moved away, and years later we met up.
She said 'I thought you wouldn't want to speak to me' and from the expression on my face she thought I didn't know what she meant.
Funnily enough, I can accept his infidelity more easily than the other one.
I never accused him then, so I think he thinks he got away with it.
He strongly denied the affair with the woman from work, even when he came home with a love-bite on his neck.
I recently found a strange door key on his keyring and lost the plot. I accused him of infidelity and he was so angry and wouldn't speak to me for ages. Said he didn't know what the key was for.
I have to admit I am apprehensive about confronting him. The letter is probably a bad idea. As you said, I should get it all out in the open, but I know how he will react - deny, deny, deny and we will have had a row with no closure.
I shall tell you all something that I have never told anyone.
As we were preparing for the wedding my mother said to me - 'If it doesn't work out don't think you can come running back here' What do you make of that?

Oh dear FarAway you really are exorcising demons from the past aren't you?

I think your mother's comment was a pretty typical one from that era - my grandmother said it to my mother on her wedding day and even in my younger days it wasn't unheard of to hear a parent say something similar.

The thing with your husband though is something else because the past is obviously intruding into the present. I think perhaps you could ask yourself if remaining married is better than the alternative and if so is there anything you can do to improve life now. Is there a friend or family member who knows you both and you can talk to? Someone who can listen as you talk through your feelings and the options you have?

What a horrible situation. I understand why you stayed but if it is causing so much angst please be open and honest on what you know and how you feel. How can he rectify his side of the problem if he is unaware of your true feelings. Even if he denies everything he should at least shoulder his guilt and let you live your life with relative peace. A frank honest airing at least is needed for you to decide your way forward, he appears to have had his cake etc about time you had yours.

Try talking to him now. To leave a letter for him to read would be a rather nasty thing to do. You say that this happened a long time ago, so I really think that your illness is causing you to let all your negative feelings take over. Try to get it sorted as soon as you can, because you need a positive attitude to help you through your ill health. I had cancer almost 20 years ago, and was told by my surgeon that it was my attitude that helped me through. If you can't talk to your husband, then write a letter, but give him it now. My best wishes to you, xxx

Why stay with an unfaithful man? There's no reason to be miserable, grumpy and unhappy giving yourself migraines. Divorce him and spend you final years in peace.

I think most people from our generation had that warning from parents. Most of us were married at an age which is still considered almost still childhood today - we were engaged at 19 and married at 20 ( we still needed parental agreement at that age) and the priest who married us said "oh, you ARE children"). So I don't think you can read too much into the comment made so long ago. Like I say, you really need to either discuss it and reopen all the old wounds, or choose to forget and move on.

I so feel for you ?And there is no easy answer. I have supported several friends thro this, and unless you have absolute concrete evidence, most men will just deny everything. Many will try and make out that you are paranoid for even suggesting it, turning any guilt back on you. Then if there is concrete evidence, you will get the " it didn't mean anything" as if that makes it ok. One husband who was caught out, actually said to my friend " you would really like her if you met her" ..... speechless. Unless you have a lie detector you will just never know. Tell him that you 100% know he cheated despite his denials, then only you can know deep down if you want a divorce. He should have the decency to give you the truth and peace of mind at this time of your life too. You don't say if you still love him ?

FarawayGran. Having just read your reply I think I would now suggest you find the help and support you need from talking to a councillor...maybe one could help you through your cancer care. It would allow you to get all this unhappiness out into the open with someone who is trained to deal with lots of different problems and to help you feel better. You need to feel free of all this stress so it can help with your recovery.

a long long time ago my hubby had a one night stand and I found out about it by looking in his diary which he left on his desk in our bedroom. needless to say I was furious. our relationship went from bed to worse while I sulked about this. eventually ( after several weeks) he told me I had to stop or our marriage would be seriously damaged. I thought about this. Neither of us had the money to move away. so we stayed together. now, after a couple of months of brely speaking we were sitting together one evening watching telly. he turned to me and said, 'Christ, love, you should have seen her tits. They were like ski-jumps!' I just started laughing. I had always had nice boobs. This was the start of the thaw. we have got along famously ever since. I don't think he's strayed since. so it can be lived with. in fact, last week, he leant across from h is arm chair and apologised for his transgression. needless to say it had been acdepted long ago!

My mother-in-law suffered from mental health problems and always kept notebooks. After her death my father-in-law read them and was devasted by some of the things she wrote in there about him and their relationship. It's obviously up to you, but I think it's only fair to both of you talk about it now.
My husband was unfaithful once but we moved on. It happened very early in our marriage when we were going through a difficult time. We've just celebrated our 38th anniversary. He's an amazing man. Been a wonderful father and grandfather, and is my best friend. I'm so glad we were able to move past it.

Bluebelle Walk in another ones shoes.
An illness if terminal and strong medication necessary can bring to the surface that which has laid hidden for many years..To not know can be worse than knowing.Giving another kindness is not an excuse to be unfaithful .Leaving a letter for 'after' is of no benefit as the questions will remain unanswered and the suffering of the recipient, if there should be. unknown to the writer of the letter.

I would not write a letter to be opened after your death. You say he denied it when asked, and you stayed with him which some form of acceptance.

You cannot change the past and, although you are now ill, there would be little point in continuing to have negative thoughts. It will be of no help.

Ask yourself this question - would you be any happier if he did admit to it? You have a choice - talk to him about it again or leave it.

Me? I would leave it and look at all the happy/positive times you have spent together and let it go. If you would gain happiness from an admission then fine, go ahead and and broach the subject, but I guess you would not be happy and it would just add another layer of sadness to your life.

Take care lovely lady. xx

farawaygran.
I have a feeling that it may also be
The 'Other' woman who is also causing pain.
If you do decide to write a letter to your husband and then burn it as others have suggested,
Would it also be cathartic to write and burn a letter to the 'other' women in question?
And maybe a letter to your late mother to explain how her words had such a negative affect on your life.